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  1. #1
    Missouri Star

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    Default Has anyone encountered your partner not being okay with gifts?

    Now that the guy I live with understands the cost behind quilting, he doesn't like when I give quilting gifts to co-workers. I see it as I'm not spending money due to I have a huge stash. Has anyone else experienced their partner what I feel over stepping into their hobby? Just wanted to see how others handled it when faced with the issue. I'm not looking for judgement or anyone saying you shouldn't put up with that. I'm looking for a compromise or what has worked for others. I guess it's all in how we see our stashes as well. I've been quilting for over 14 years so my stash is extensive. He sees the cost when I have to replace fabric and he's gone to quilt stores with me. I'm the first quilter he's ever been around.

  2. #2
    The Guild President

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    Default Re: Has anyone encountered your partner not being okay with gifts?

    That's one of those "depends" questions.
    TRUTH is seldom appreciated, unless you happen to agree with it. When you don't agree, you just call it rude.

  3. #3
    The Guild President

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    Default Re: Has anyone encountered your partner not being okay with gifts?

    No, I haven’t experienced this. I would separate my hobby,and not go to quilting stores together, etc... You might try explaining that the giving is PART of your hobby.

  4. #4
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: Has anyone encountered your partner not being okay with gifts?

    My dh is supportive. I don't make that many quilts for gifts and I am a hq so it takes me a long time to complete anything. His only criticism is he thinks recipients are not aware of the time I put into it and so he feels the gifts are under appreciated. And when someone barely thanks me I think it hurts him almost as much as it hurts me. As far as costs he never says a word about that. I made a gift quilt recently that I had to buy ALL new fabric for as it was batiks (had none in my stash) and I think it cost around $325. When I told him all he said was Wow, she'd better appreciate it. (I am giving her the quilt tomorrow.)

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  6. #5
    Batting Beauty

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    Default Re: Has anyone encountered your partner not being okay with gifts?

    From this guys perspective... It's kinda hard not to comment without appearing to pass judgement on this. Maybe it's because I don't understand your partners view. Your hobby, and the giving is who you are, and that's what attracted him to you- or at least a part of it was. He wants to change you?

    Quilting is a hobby, and I feel a hobby is most beneficial for one's health in so many ways- physical, mental, and just overall happiness. If your partner has no hobbies, he needs one. Over the years my wife and I have always had hobbies. Sometimes our interests align- sometimes they don't. Regardless, to make ones hobbies tough to pursue is sure to cause relationship problems.

    Compromise? I don't think there is a satisfactory compromise, and often compromise isn't normally fairly shared. Our compromise was allowing for hobbies within your budget. Beyond that, spend your personal allotment anyway you wish. If the hobby doesn't take away from other important things, like paying the bills and putting food on the table, it should not be an issue.

    This is a situation where communication is key. If communication is a problem, especially where there is a lack of understanding, I've found counseling to be invaluable. Counseling can take on many forms. Don't wait until there's problems before "seeking" counseling.

    I could go on and on about hobbies and relationships, but it boils down to forming a good partnership. Do what you gotta do for happiness, as long as one isn't out of control with the spending.

    You can spin this anyway you want, but "A happy wife is a happy life." And it really isn't necessary to sacrifice to make your partner happy. You gotta work on it together, even if your interests differ in some areas.

    OK- Time to remove my "Dr. Phil" cap. LOL Don't let my wife read this. She'd think I'm getting weak. LOL
    You gots to risk it to gets the biscuit-

  7. #6
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: Has anyone encountered your partner not being okay with gifts?

    You have to find a system that works for the two of you. My DH and I have what we call our personal budgets. We each get the same amount of money each week to spend on whatever personal stuff we want. All my quilting supplies comes out of my personal budget. We have also jointly agreed by how much we are allowed to temporarily overdraw our personal budgets (like for a big sale or an emergency unexpected gift) Overdraws have to be paid back. If I am making a gift for a joint friend or relative we agree to a budget ahead of time that comes out of the unusual expenses category instead of the personal budget category.

    This is what works for us. Its not for everybody. We are both retired engineers so that is probably skewing our prospective. I get that we are not normal.

    Addressing any quilting supplies that you acquired before he entered your life and what you do with them is not any his business.
    Stash Treasure Acquisitions Beyond Life Expectancy. My stash keeps me STABLE, oh yeah.... and dark chocolate.

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  9. #7
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: Has anyone encountered your partner not being okay with gifts?

    I'm thinking more of my son's 'addiction' to buying musical instruments. They have a family budget. J has an allowance, x goes into savings for his kiddie purchases. Mom and Dad have their own line items- Morgan's fun money, Jim's fun money. Jim will save his 'fun money' and buy stuff for his instrument collection. He knows what's set aside, how much is available if he didn't spend anything the month or months before. He'll save up for his goals. Only thing is, Morgan's new stipulation- any new instrument purchased, an old one has to leave!

    I could shop my stash for years and a lot of what I have is from a friend that passed. There's still blenders, backings and batting to purchase. Depending on the size, long arm fees too. It still can run up into some money. I get budget constraints.

    Set yourself a budget that you can live with. Fix your monthly budget and keep a tally of what you've spent and what's left over to carry over to the next month. Your partner should do the same with his 'fun' money.

    My DH was supportive of my habit, after all, for years I didn't bitch about all the money he spent on toy cars. I might have rolled my eyes, but it brought him joy, so I kept my mouth shut. Bless his heart, he really thought we'd make money off of those things. Insert another eye roll here! Those cars made a lot of kids at the Salvation Army happy!

    I make and I give. A. it keeps me sane, B. it seems like there are a lot of family members dealing with illnesses recently, C. there are always babies being born at church. It makes me happy to make and give. I think if you bottom line it, have a plan for a modified budget and present your case in a straight forward manner, you both can come out happier in the long run.

    Then as a last resort, there's always the nanner nanner boo boo with the fingers in the ears waggling those quilty fingers and the tongue sticking out face. You can always add a raspberry to go along with it.
    Katrina


    “Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.”
    ― Maya Angelou

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  11. #8
    Quilting Royalty

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    Default Re: Has anyone encountered your partner not being okay with gifts?

    My husband thinks I am a bit quick to give away my quilts. He has come to understand that the reason I quilt is to give the quilts as gifts. Quilts can not truly be appreciated just in terms of money because they are so expensive, but because of the time and care that we put in to them. I would lose interest in quilting if I was doing it for money. He mails my quilts for me so he is very good at letting the post office know their worth and insuring them. He worries more about my time invested not being fully appreciated . He does not begrudge me what I spend at fabric stores. I think a good portion of that comes from the fact I don't waste money, nor I indulge myself . Once he realized what some women spend on shoes and fake nails, lol, he sees what I spend is not that much. I just say when asked what do I charge to make a quilt, that I don't. I only make quilts as gifts because they are so expensive to make and that the time and love sewn into a quilt can not be bought. That said my husband is planning to make his own quilt when he retires, his quilt of valor. He wants it to say he gave 34 years serving and protecting Canada.
    Is it possible that it is the time you spend quilting he notices more so than the cost ? Sometimes I quilt while my husband watches tv so he doesn't feel alone. Most times tho' I find a tv distracting when sewing, unless it is a Jenny video because many I know by heart.
    Unless it evolves into a problem, I wouldn't worry it . After awhile spouses adjust and find their own things to do.

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  13. #9
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: Has anyone encountered your partner not being okay with gifts?

    Thanks, I appreciate the responses. I make small projects but no more than a baby quilt for co-workers. I don't invest money, but maybe it is the time, I never thought of it that way. We're homebodies and always around the house. Thanks, that's helpful. I'm making two birthday wallhaging/tabletoppers this weekend. It does make me happy to make people things and I don't want that to change! I use what I have so it's not costing anything either.

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  15. #10
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: Has anyone encountered your partner not being okay with gifts?

    If I understand correctly, your husband/partner is only objecting when you gift a quilt to a co-worker? Does that mean that he's OK with gifting to close friends and relatives?

    I love Old Newbie's advice, that "giving is PART of your hobby." So if it's only gifts to co-workers that your partner objects to, could the two of you possibly compromise by setting a maximum size of quilt for a co-worker? Perhaps crib size or lap size? That way, he'll feel you're listening to his concerns and seeking a frugal way to make you both happy.
    Toni ... If I keep sewing long enough, will they make their own dinner?

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