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  1. #1
    The Guild President

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    Default What should we ask?

    We are having a family meeting with a Social Worker tonight regarding putting MIL in an assisted living or nursing home situation. It is now to the point that she can not care for herself and FIL's health is failing from the care he is having to give her-he also is no longer able to assist her when she falls which is now almost daily. We were told to be ready with all questions but DH and I do not know enough to even form a relative question. What questions can you wonderful/helpful quilters suggest?
    Thanks for any suggestions or help you can offer.


    Beth
    Happiness is a FULL bobbin!

  2. #2
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: What should we ask?

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. It's definitely a hard process to go through.

    My suggestion get everything in writing and have all parties sign any decisions made. Take lots of notes, so you can refer back to them as needed. Get everyone's direct phone number and use them if needed.

    If you have any concerns, or if your MIL has any quirks let them know. Be sure to go and check on her at different times of the day.

    I guess I should qualify, Mom wasn't in assisted living, but in rehab. Our experience wasn't a great one. Uncle Horace is loving his assisted living experience. So I know there is a different level of expectations.
    Katrina


    “Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.”
    ― Maya Angelou

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  4. #3
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: What should we ask?

    Difficult times. we had a couple meetings with social workers when caring for mom at home. Most of our concerns were how to keep her at home, which we did until the last 2 months. Cost I guess would be the most obvious. if assisted living, how much time will she be allowed to spend alone, in communal area, group dining etc. Are there activities designed to keep residents active as conditions allow? How much freedom will family have when visiting?, like can they help her cook a favorite meal to share with her? assuming there is communal kitchen. nursing homes, again are a bit different but still info on visits, laundry is helpful. Will she be taken to dining room to eat to encourage social skills or will she be allowed to stay in her room? will you do her laundry or will the faucility handle it? Security for her personal items(both places)
    “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world, is and remains immortal.”

    ― Albert Pine

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  6. #4
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: What should we ask?

    Oh I sympathize with you. When you don't know enough about something it is hard to think of good questions to ask. I have never been in this situation shopping for nh or assisted living. They will probably give you a big spiel about what is included at their facility and that info will likely be in the brochures they give you to take home. I would be more interested in hearing them explain what kind of services are excluded, or provided at additional cost. Also I would call the local library to get a line on resources you could call, like senior citizens hotline if there is one, so they could give you ideas. Or even wander into a senior citizens rec center and ask at the desk. Good luck.

  7. #5
    The Guild President

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    Default Re: What should we ask?

    Fortunately for us, both our parents were at home until they passed. Unfortunately, my Grandmother lived in a nursing home for about a year. My Dad visited her at various times of the day and evening and my Mom did her laundry. She had dementia - could rattle off the doses/reasons for medication but couldn't figure out there was enough water for everyday living ... anyway, from my Dad's observations, the patients were given better treatment if the patient had frequent visitors. My Grandmother had five sons and one daughter who visited her with regularity. Good luck with making this decision ... remember, you are doing the best you can at this time ...

  8. #6
    The Guild President

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    Default Re: What should we ask?

    Had to do this for my father. We visited a few places. Some places would not take him because he was combative and had alcoholism which I;m sure you won't have that problem. Will she be able to move to nursing care from the assisted living facility. The elderly hate change and it helps to move them within the facility. Will she start out with Title 19. If she starts out paying private will they still keep her once she goes on Title 19. Some facilities only take private pay and will not keep them when they go to Title 19. After a certain time when does the cost go up? I kept a notebook with all my questions and whatever they provided me with. I also kept all my siblings informed of everything, not that that meant much to them. Does she have her HCPA and FPOA. If it's your FIL is there a backup say your husband. If they have some money she can gift it, pay for funeral costs, etc. so she can go on Title 19 right away. That takes a little planning though. Of course I don't know the situation. I worked for a law firm that dealt with estate planning. The previous forum replies were all good replies so I didn't want to duplicate and was just replying from a different angle. Good luck. I'm here for you.

    PS" There is also County and local help with social workers, etc. Contact your local county and they will direct you to who to talk to and lots of literature.
    Last edited by Georgie Girl; February 28th, 2018 at 06:05 PM.

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  10. #7
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: What should we ask?

    So sorry you're going through this, but so many families have to deal with this issue. If your MIL is falling on a daily basis & needing help with her personal care, it sounds like she needs nursing home, not assisted living. Many elderly people resist going to a facility, so make sure there is a designated power of attorney who is willing to make the tough decisions. I wish you well. Maybe there are web sites that can give you suggestions for questions to ask the social worker. I didn't check, but it seems like there are answers for everything on the web. You can do virtual tours of nursing homes, etc. & let your fingers do the walking until you 've zeroed it down to 2 or 3 options, then you can go visit in person. Let us know how things turn out. I know of two friends who are in Brookdale facilities. One is in assisted living in CO, the other is in the memory care unit in OR.

  11. #8
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: What should we ask?

    I just joined AARP two weeks ago so am not familiar yet with what they have but maybe you know of someone who has been a member for awhile? To me they seem like a logical starting point and surely they must have put out magazine articles on this subject. Just a thought.

  12. #9
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: What should we ask?

    FRom customers at the restaurant before we retired, the husband (age ;82) wanted to be able to take her (age 92 ) home on weekends and on frequent day trips. Will that be allowed? He was fighting with Soc Sev. because they wouldn't let him take her home due to his age. They were sad. They would let him bring her to the restaurant on Sunday afternoons for dinner.

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  14. #10
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: What should we ask?

    Regarding gifting money/assets...I worked with the Kentucky Medicaid agency for over 25 years. In KY, if money or other resources are given away prior to entering a facility, Medicaid may consider it a prohibited transfer of resources and determine the person ineligible for assistance for a period of time based on the value of the asset(s) given away. The transfer look back period can be as much as 5 years. The policy may vary by state, but I recommend not transferring any resources without checking into this first.
    *~* Myrna *~*
    *~* Quilters lead pieceful lives *~*

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