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  1. #11
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: Discouraged today...

    I see this in a totally different light so bear with me. You don't say how old your father is, and we know nothing of his background. My father was a very stoic man who never showed affection and I actually grew up feeling he didn't love us - I was in my 20's when I found out different and it was the first time I ever saw him cry. Through the years I watched and learned to recognize those little signs. Dad was full of love - yet he had been taught that men didn't share their feelings. I was in my mid 40's when Dad put his arm around my shoulder and told me "I'm so sorry that I was so harsh with you when you were growing up." And it was easy for me to look that wonderful man in the eye and tell him honestly, "I'm glad you were the way you were." I went on to tell him that his way formed who I had become and I have been happy with myself for quite some time.

    There are so many ways that people see and read actions and emotions of others. I'm guessing that your Dad secretly does like his present but he may be more content to sit at the sidelines peacefully and enjoy rather than joining in the hullabaloo of Christmas. I'd say he knows you love him, he may not know how to show you that he loves you right back.
    Sometimes, when there's a raging fire,
    it's best not to try to put it out with gasoline.

    "...pal carajo con la negatividad..."

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  3. #12
    The Guild President

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    Default Re: Discouraged today...

    Oh David - I so understand what you're feeling. My Dad is from that older generation (he turned 78 this year) and he used to look down upon handmade gifts. They reminded him of the depression years when he was growing up when everything was make-do and homemade. For too many years, I didn't understand that and I would labor over something that I gave him. Here I was thinking "homemade = Love" and he was thinking "homemade = too poor to buy a present". It wasn't until I was much older that I understood.

    This year I made him a quilt that I gave him on the 4th of July (late Father's Day present). I was very proud of the gift I made him. You know what he treasures more? The letter I wrote to go with it. I know he finds comfort in the quilt especially on these cold days - and he's always cold. When we were there at Thanksgiving, it was still folded up in the closet. I made sure it was brought out and put on the end of his bed. Do you know he wanted me to bring it out and show his friends who dropped by, telling them how proud they were of me. Months later.

    Too often I fell into the trap of assigning a feeling to another person's actions. Unless they specifically say something, I can't really know what they're thinking. Yes actions speak, but too often the actions are misjudged. I hope one day your Dad will see the gift for what you wanted it to represent. In the meantime it might be worth a conversation with him at a later date - just to check to see if your assumptions were correct. Tell him from the heart what it meant for you to make the quilt, and see if it doesn't change his attitude. Personally, I'd wait until the holidays are over, and do it in private, not at the dinner table . Love him for who he is right now, and let yourself off the hook for having expectations.

    Here's a (((big hug))) for you for being courageous - being yourself.

  4. #13
    The Guild President

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    Default Re: Discouraged today...

    I am estranged from my mother..."hurt people, hurt people" as my pastor says. I am 51 years old and my parents never were proud, never said, I love you, never said I was pretty. It is sad how we are a product of a chain of parenting from generations back. I haven't been the model parent, either. But you know in your heart that you did good, and even if he never said anything...maybe that's his hangup...not yours. Don't let others steal your joy!
    "She who dies with the most fabric wins"

    Ecclesiastes 9:10 "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom."

    Julie

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  6. #14
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: Discouraged today...

    I know it is hard to focus on the ten people who love what you do and hear only the one who says little or remains silent. This is natural for a child who has always felt a lack of closeness from a parent. My own mother focused almost totally on my brother after my Dad died when I was nine. I always felt that I wasn't good enough, clever enough, sporty enough, ambitious enough for her. The truth was that I was very like my Dad. Maybe she found that painful.

    I think we forget that our parents have their own experiences that mold them and why should we think of that? We are the kids after all! It is their job to be there for us and be what we need . Well yes it is but we grow up and are different from the child they knew in the same way as they are different from the person we think they are.

    I am so sorry that you feel this hurt, believe me I know it well. I don't say try to understand..........often that is too hard. But do try to hear those who loved their quilts. I wouldn't try to talk to your Dad about it, that path in my experience leads to more hurt either for you because you may not get the reaction you hope for or for him if he feels he has let you down.

    Maybe what I am saying is not that you should understand him but perhaps work towards accepting who he is and be proud of who you are.

    Good luck

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  8. #15
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: Discouraged today...

    I wish my dad were still here so I could make him a quilt....Sorry about your dads reaction. Last Christmas, I made all five grandkids quilts, not small ones either...they were twins, and one was a queen. My middle grandgirl took hers out of the bag for a photo then folded it back up and put it back in the gift bag where it remained for three months! That really hurt my feelings, and I finally asked her why she was not using it. She said she didn't want to ruin it! Here I thought she didn't like it!
    pat.

    No rain....no rainbows!



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  10. #16
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: Discouraged today...

    I can relate, dr1987. My family hasn't had our extended family Christmas yet, it won't happen until New Years weekend. But yesterday I felt very unappreciated.
    To slightly explain...I don't text on my phone. I think texting is totally impersonal and on Christmas day in the past, family usually call and we catch up on life. I got two phone calls yesterday from my uncles. My Dad nor two sisters didn't call and there was lots of texting. I didn't answer any of them. And it wouldn't surprise me if my Dad was within two miles of my house yesterday at my step-siblings house for Christmas and didn't even bother to come by or call. I appreciate your vent, I feel the same way. Very unappreciated and not to mention I wrapped three of the UFO quilts for my kids with an apology that they hadn't gotten finished for Christmas, feeling as though I had failed myself. And yesterday made me miss my Mother that much more when I didn't receive the family connections I had in the past.....
    Sherri

    "Don't let someone else's ugly spoil your beautiful. " Thanks, Bubby!!!!!!

  11. #17
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: Discouraged today...

    Hugs to you David.
    Donna
    MSQC: Where Strangers become Friends and Friends become Family!

    "The soul would have no rainbows, if the eyes had no tears."native American wisdom


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  13. #18
    Applique Angel

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    Default Re: Discouraged today...

    You should tell your dad how you felt about his reaction. However, I sometimes think it is a guy thing (at least certain guys) do not show their appreciation for handcrafted items. I don't think my dad would have acted any different, were he still alive, if I made him a quilt as your dad reacted with you. It could also be a generation thing. I'm sorry you were hurt and her is a (((BIG HUG))) to make you feel better.
    "Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime." Martin Luther (founder of the Lutheran Church)


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  15. #19
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: Discouraged today...

    You need to be you. My dad and I were never close as I didn't grow up with my mom and dad. Even as an adult I never felt that he was proud of me. Now that he has passed, it was his loss for not knowing the real me and appreciating it.
    But I have a good job, a nice house, a beautiful family, two wonderful sons, a wonderful daughter in-law and a granddaughter on the way. I am so proud of each member of family. They are all different and it's those differences that make me love them so much. They don't pretend to be someone they are not and I hope they never do.
    HUGS - Just be you and know that you are awesome.
    Sometimes people have a hard time expressing their emotions and maybe that is your dads challenge.
    Thank you,

    Ginny K

  16. #20
    Missouri Star

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    Default Re: Discouraged today...

    Sorry he didn't react the way the other family members did. Focus on the others though, and know that you did your best with love for the recipients.

    My son is like your dad - very unappreciative of anything I give him. Sometimes I feel like I'm jumping through hoops trying to find something to make him happy. I finally gave up and realized that's how he's going to be and there ain't nothing I can do. I feel better, but it still stings.

    Where are the pictures of these quilts???? We need to see too!

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