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I Need Your Thoughts on This

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  • I Need Your Thoughts on This

    HI everyone,
    It makes me sad to post this but I need your thoughts and help on this situation. We have three children who are married and every year for their birthdays we send them a card and a check. The one child/husband always thanks us but the other two and their husbands do not acknowledge the card or gift or even give us a call to say they received it. We send to the grandchildren also and with the exception of one, they do not acknowledge the gift cards and cards that we send either. They are all out of state. We are thinking of discontinuing the check/gifts to the adults and just send a card to them (they are all in their forties). What are your thoughts on this situation and what do you do? Do you have a certain age that you stop sending money to your grown children? Any ideas will be helpful. Thanks.

  • #2
    Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

    I have also been in this position for several years. My son, for the last 5 years, has completely ignored Christmas, my birthday and mothers day even tho I continued to send him a card and $$. So starting in 2019 I did not send him money for birthday( I did send him a silly e-mail card and he picked it up but didn't reply) I'm am going to send a Christmas card but again no $$. He hasn't called me in over a year and in the past asked me not to call him as his wife is jealous and always thinks he is talking to a girlfriend. Starting in 2020 I may stop the cards also. I have taken this position, "If I can't do anything about it I won't worry about it". I find that my life is O.K. without all of the drama.

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    • #3
      Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

      I have the same problem and when I chastised the teen grandchildren on their manners all communication was stopped by the parents. I still send the child who is not an adult a card and a little money since I know she has to do as she's told. The parents and the 20 yr old might get cards or not depending on my mood.
      sigpic

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      • #4
        Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

        I let my children know that at age 21 they may or may not get any $$ in their cards.. Grands, I did the same. I've never gotten a thank you from any, but did get a phone call or 2 from My children. The grands, nothing: so I don't feel bad when I "forget" a card.

        After I turned 75 and they lost their father (divorced over 30 years), I've gotten more attention from them. calls, gifts and visits. Time heals a lot of old hurts.. whether they are real or imagined.
        Judy

        Click HERE to find me and My imagination

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        • #5
          Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

          I never started that president. I make my kids and my 1 granddaughter things. My oldest doesn't talk to me due to I told her to get a job...I didn't raise kids to live off the state. So I don't get to see my Rosa. I really think people have become more ungrateful with technology. Buy yourself some nice fabric with the money and don't stress. When I feel bad I didn't send anything, I think I have 4 grown children when was the last time I got more than a text for a holiday, birthday or mother's day?

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          • #6
            Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

            Cut the string & count your losses, explaining you did not raise them to be so disrespectable. It's also called common courtesy!
            You think you have it bad? try having an EX husband kidnap your twin girls at the age of 8, not finding them for 9 years.....
            and they hate YOU because they believed all the lies of me not wanting them anymore. I died the day they were taken.... now
            all I have is nightmares for memories. A person can't make another believe or act the way they should, painful to say the least, but like it or not you have to say NO MORE...
            When you have decided what you believe, what you feel must be done, have the courage to stand alone and be counted
            Eleanor Roosevelt

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            • #7
              Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

              KTDid, I am so sorry for your loss of your children and pain.

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              • #8
                Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

                Kay4- I'm sorry you have to live with this pain and sorrow. My mom (95) had no communication with my brother for over 19 years, since my dad died. Before that for 20+ years, only sporadic communications, never acknowledging birthdays, Mother or Father's Day or family occasions. I know this bothered my parents and attributed this to his wife, but he is a grown man with free will. Mom would send cards and cheques which were never cashed. I stopped sending them years ago, on her behalf. She doesn't have much to give and she has given them so much over the years. Then this January, he and his wife showed up asking for forgiveness. My mom was happy to see them, but no communication since then. I'm not certain, he may have heard that she broke her hip, and that would be her end. Fooled him - she's stronger than than. Perhaps, he thought there would be an inheritance, but the joke is on him, mom has been enjoyed the fruits of my parents' labour, and so it should be.

                I have always sent xmas/year in review newsletter to family and friends. This year I decided he wasn't worth the postal stamp. If this was a friend who treated you in this manner, you would end the relationship. It is heartbreaking I'm sure, but like my mom, she had to learn to grieve the end of that one.

                Enjoy life and do what makes you happy. Everything else will follow.

                Every day I try to do one thing that challenges my comfort zone.

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                • #9
                  Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

                  Reading these posts makes me so sad and my heart ache for all of you. Hugs.....
                  sigpicwww.whisperofrose.blogspot.com


                  Scottie Mom Barb

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                  • #10
                    Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

                    I have had this issue too. Always had family over on Xmas eve. Now that they are working different shifts and some have moved out of the area it is hard to get them all together understandable. I have sent cards with $ and gotten no response. So I now just send cards. If they come to visit they get the $. If that is too much trouble, well more fabric for me ��

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                    • #11
                      Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

                      I too feel sad for all the broken family relationships. Ours is not perfect by any stretch, but my kids do acknowledge their gifts. If not in person then by phone or text. Now grands, another story!! hahaha. The girl grands are quick to respond but the 6 boy ones, whole different story.. I know they get their gifts because I bug their parents about it!!! And only a birthday gift now, Christmas the parents get a check. I hope the broken families can find some reconciliation before too much time goes by. My prayer for all today.

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                      • #12
                        Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

                        I too am sad to read of the heartache going on. My family has issues all around but the family bond is stronger than those issues. We figure it out no matter what is going on. My girls, granddaughter and I find a time to gather for Christmas even if it is not until January - two nurses with conflicting shifts, one doing some travel nursing, so we adjust. Cant imagine anyone not acknowledging or saying thank you for a gift.

                        Praying you all find ways to communicate with those you love. Hugs to all as well.
                        Karen
                        Life is short - live it up while you can

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                        • #13
                          Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

                          I completely understand how you feel. We use to send cards and money to all the children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. It got to the place where I just couldn't keep up. I had them all on my calendar at work, which I seen everyday, but I still managed to forget sometimes. We would still send it, but it would be late. That made me feel really bad.

                          Christmas was another issue. I love Christmas, but it was just to difficult trying to figure out what to purchase the older ones. They really didn't need anything and if they did they just went and got it their self. So we decided that anyone over the age of 18 was no longer going to receive Birthday card or money and anyone over the age of 18 would no longer receive Christmas gifts. We still send Christmas cards and we still get together for Christmas, but that is even difficult since everyone has their own families and has several places to go.


                          We have two great grandchildren that we send B-day cards and money to. They are 10 and 14. They never call to acknowledge that they even get them let alone thank us for it. We rarely see them and their grandparents live 3 doors up from us so there is no excuse why they couldn't drop in when they are up there. We didn't see them the whole year in 2017 until Christmas when they came to get their money. We didn't see them after that until Christmas 2018 when they came to get their money. We have thought about stopping the B-day and Christmas, but I just can't do that. I guess we will continue until they are 18, and then just forget about it. It is really sad and painful, but I will do what I feel in my heart is right and what I can live with without regret and they will have to live with their actions.

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                          • #14
                            Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

                            I would only send cards to the adults that acknowledge them and cards and money
                            for the grandkids that acknowledge them. We have stopped giving gifts to a great
                            niece because mom and dad couldn't pick up the phone or even text.
                            If they ever ask why you stopped, tell them the truth in a nice way.

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                            • #15
                              Re: I Need Your Thoughts on This

                              Do whatever your heart tells you. There is no 'one size fits all' solution to your situation. Above all try not to nurse the hurt...it will only harm you.
                              No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.
                              Aesop

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