A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

[peggiep]

My daughter emailed her father and me on Monday to tell us she and her family were not coming over for dinner on Boxing Day. The reason....she is on a anti-inflamatory med because her back is sore and is afraid to take an antihistamine with it because she has an allergy to cats. (I have 2 cats). Then she suggests we bring the entire dinner to her! They are only 45 minutes away.

A little history...we made changes to the whole family tradition of celebrating together on Boxing Day after DH's Dad passed away this summer. Instead, to allow my DD time with her husband's family on Christmas, time with us on Boxing Day, the whole clan of 5 siblings, nephews, nieces, etc. would get together on the 27th. This change took a great deal of planning so that we could spend some time with DD, SIL and the 3 kids on Boxing Day.

DD is going to attend her husband's family get together on the 25th, and the whole clan get together on the 27th, but won't come here on the 26th. I am very hurt, upset, angry and every emotion in between. If it had not happened several times in the past 10 years, I probably wouldn't be as upset. But it seems every year there is a lame excuse. I can't take any more hurt. It seems that she calls us when she needs something, but will not set foot in the house. She grew up here with several cats and they never bothered her. Why now?

After talking to her Dad last night, she agreed to call me to explain. When I told her how I felt, she muttered that she hadn't hurt her back on purpose and didn't want to be pumped up on drugs just to come over here. I hung up on her, and I regret that, but I don't think she is being reasonable.

Sorry...but I had to get this off my chest! Grrrr!

[jjkaiser]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

Oh do I feel your pain! Why when we do so much for our kids it seems like they treat us like an afterthought when it comes to the holidays, but boy when they need money or their car fixed etc. who do they come to first? Not to mention who do they pay back last--if at all?

What I would do is call the pharmacy and ask someone knowledgeable if it would be ok to take the anti-inflam and the antihistamine at the same time or a half hour apart or something. It could be your dd is assuming it is dangerous or whatever but never got a medical opinion about it. It might be perfectly fine. And I would love to be there when you tell her that, if it turns out to be the case. Otherwise I guess I would go ahead and have Christmas without her, bc what else can you do? I hope this all gets resolved for you in a good way.

[Sandy Navas]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

Peggie - I suggest you and your DH book a trip on a cruise. It may be way too late this Christmas, but it sure would be good in January and I'd use that as an excuse not to be available for any function where your daughter is going to be. After all, you probably are allergic to HER. Don't be hurt - you did all you could. It is definitely on her shoulders now.

(I am ranting along with you!)

[Carolnnc]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

I am so sad for you and sending you a hug. The happiness and hurt of being a parent never ends does it. Hopefully she will tell you the real reason she doesn't want to come to your home if it's really not the cats.
My husband used me for years as an excuse for not going to his moms. She told everyone I "kept" him from having anything to do with her. The truth be told he is sick for days after being around her dogs and cats and no amount of medication helped him. He grew up with cats and dogs and we had them when our kids were little but he has developed a severe allergy over the past 15 years. He complained that it felt dirty at her house because of the animals being all over the furniture. I finally told his brother the truth and he passed it on to their mom. Now she won't speak to my husband!
Sometimes you just can't win.

[K. McEuen]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

Sounds like an excuse on her part. Unless her anti-inflamatory is a narcotic (which they usually aren't) taking an antihistamine shouldn't be an issue. Now if she is actually on pain medication, then she needs to check before adding other meds in.

[Hulamoon]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

(((hugs))) I like Sandy's idea of just going off. I'm going to sound like an awful mother, but I avoid my younger daughter. I don't want to take over your story, so I'll just say that sometimes it's disappointing on how they came out and what the heck did I do to deserve this? Your not alone ((()))

[auntiemern]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

I have to agree with Karen...as a resident expert on pain meds and anti-inflamatory's (most of which are NSaids - non steroidal anti inflamatory) any anti histamine would not be contraindicated to take them together. Tell her they DO make non drowsy antihitamines that she can take, and not be all loopy. At my current age, I am much more aware when grown kids, don't interact with their aging parents. We aren't going to be around for ever.

[kensington]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

I personally would NOT expect anyone with an allergy to come to my home. My sil had an allergic reaction here once and it's very scary... she used her Epi pen, but watching her gasp for air was enough for me. It's not worth the argument and the stress.

I am allergic to cats also... I want into a store that had a long haired cat... in minutes my eyes were watering/itching, my throat closed off and my face felt like it peeling. I left and it took a good 5 minutes for me to get to normal... I would say exactly what your daughter said.

And if I could take the whole dinner to my girls house... I would. Gladly. She is my only girl, the love of my life. My mil always put what she wanted before her kids and grandkids in matters such at this. I never want to be like her. I've learned to put my feelings back and give it up for my kids and grandkids.. years down the road, will it really matter where you ate dinner? What I really want, is to be with them, no matter where it is.

Also, if she really does have an injured back, she would probably be more comfortable in her own home. Peace.

[cjsews]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

It sounds like she partook in the planning to celebrate together. The issue with cats was not brought up them? Now she wants everyone to change plans to suit her. I would enjoy my holiday with the rest of the family and tell her you would see her family when they could manage the time with you. She will miss out on family and a great meal. Her loss not yours. If you coddle her it will likely happen again. I know you would prefer her company but are the hurt feelings worth it? Eventually she will realize what she is doing and join in again

[alliek]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

I can understand your hurt, however, I have a friend who suffers terribly to be around cats, even one. I don't know the extent of your daughters allergy so it is difficult to judge this. I would go along, this year, with the change in plan. Next year, when all the hoopla has been done and over with, have a frank heart to heart talk with your daughter and get to the bottom of this problem. Life is too short to be at odds with those we love. God Bless, I will pray for you and your family.

[pcbatiks]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

Yes, kids can cause us a lot of stress. Like Lorie said.......you are not alone.

I think you should go ahead with plans that you've already made.....especially since so many were involved in scheduling the plans.

In the spirit of the holidays I think I would call her and apologize for hanging up on her. Then tell her that if they can't come over during the set time then you will see her family on another day when it's convenient. If she wants to be there bad enough she will show up.

Hope all of this smoothes over and that you and your family will have a wonderful Christmas.

[LauraP]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

Please don't do anything that you can't live with. By June maybe everything will have blown over. Why not have dinner at a restaurant, on her of course.

[grammaterry]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

We have 6 children. Some come to events others do not. I visit each of them 4 times a yearat their homes. Some times they just want a little drama...sometimes there is a reason, sometimes not. Once plans are made, just accept. Perhaps she really isn't well. You didn't say how old she is. Remember the reason for the season and stress seems to accompany this time of year . So much of it is commercialism. Step back and breath. It will be over in a couple of weeks

[cashs mom]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

I'm so sorry about this Peggie. While I understand what everyone is saying about the allergies, it seems like she's suddenly come up with this. I could be way off base, but presumeably she has been to your house before and an antihistamine has taken care of the allergy and she doesn't have life threatening attacks so the problem is taking the antihistamine with the anti-inflammatory. She could call the pharmacy and ask the pharmacist. They are very knowledgeable about drug interactions or can look it up. She could also go to the manufacturer's website and look it up. I took antihistamines when I had to take anti-inflammatories without a problem. You usually can as has been said. I'm thinking she's just wanting her way and agree with making plans without her. Manipulation gets worse when it works.

[TMP]

Re: A Rant..but I have to talk about it!

You know life is just way too short and so is time with family. I have been in situations similar to yours and it hurts. Sometimes its really hard when our kids don't understand how much their time with us really means and how much preparation goes into planning a fun family time with them . Maybe the drugs she is taking are making her not her usual self . I would call and say I was sorry for hanging up on her but I had really hoped for this time with her , maybe suggest she call her doctor and ask if it was ok to take the additional medication. If not tell her you will miss her and go ahead with your plans. I hope it all works out for you.