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Widow....now what?

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    Widow....now what?

    My husband of 35 years died in November. I never envisioned my future without him. For the first time in my life I'm stuck. I got thru the holidays which was tough but now that everything has calmed down. I am lost. I worked for a floral designer for 25 years and took a leave of absence when husband got sick. I don't think i could go back yet because of the funeral work. Both of my son's are grown and have their own lives. I just don't know where to start. I just don't have any vision. Never expected to be a widow at 55. Has anyone been thru this? What helped you get out of bed in the morning?
    sigpic
    Kathy Jones

    #2
    Re: Widow....now what?

    I am so sorry to hear about your husband.

    Have you tried to get back into your sewing room? Maybe make a memory quilt from your husband's clothes? Sorry I can't offer up better advice for you.
    Blessed are the children of the piecemakers for they shall inherit the quilts!

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      #3
      Re: Widow....now what?

      What a dreadful thing to have happen to you. I know there are others on here who have been in the same position and will offer their wise counsel. In the meantime, as I have no experience of this to share with you, I'll offer you a hug for support.

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        #4
        Re: Widow....now what?

        I hope you can feel the hug I'm sending your way. Grief can really slow you down. Maybe a support group nearby? You will get lots and lots of support on this forum. It is good you are reaching out, that is the first step. Getting back to work will come when you are up to it. Know we care.
        No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.
        Aesop

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          #5
          Re: Widow....now what?

          It is hard to begin again after such a loss. You have my deepest sympathy for your loss. I found that the going kind of got rough right at the point you are at now, two months, when the arrangements and paperwork have calmed down and for you, now it is winter. If you find solace in sewing and quilting, perhaps you might look to make some pretty things to make for charities. We have several groups here that collect pillowcases and children's quilts and distribute them to children's charities.

          I think you also need to pamper yourself. It sounds as if you spent much time as a caregiver while your husband was sick. Take time to get a special haircut, a cute outfit. Look for social outlets around you, a club, guild, lunch with girlfriends. If you need work, since you were in retail, perhaps you could find work as a cashier or similar work. Or look into interest groups for things you enjoy. I found theatre was something to fulfill me, and that is where I use my creative sewing talents.

          The motivation will move you when the time is right. Your world is turned upside down now. You are still grieving. You will be going through the motions for a while, and after a period of WILLING YOURSELF to get up each day, you will embrace your new life. Think of the happy memories, try not to let negative thoughts take over your mind. Cry when you must, and gradually you will find that you are crying less as time goes on. I wish you the best of luck on this journey into the unknown future, many here have walked the same path as you have walked, our lives changed through circumstances not of our choosing, but given to us to bear.

          And if you are the praying sort of person, let God's healing light shine on you.

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            #6
            Re: Widow....now what?

            My heart goes out to you.
            I have not gone thru this, but I have a dear friend who just experienced this back in August.
            She said the worse for her was to be in the empty house.
            We both belong to a few local social groups, and what my friend did to avoid being in the house alone was to invite the ladies of our groups to have their meetings in her house. We all take turns bringing snacks and we enjoy socializing in a nice warm home way better than a conference room. She also has started up a daily tea so anyone is invited to just pop by between 11:30-1 to have tea (and munchies). My friend is very willing to provide all the tea and munchies, but we all still bring stuff anyway.

            She's not in to sewing or quilting, but now that I've recently started quilting, she is amazed at how easy it is to sew a simple 9-patch. She still has no interest in sewing (she hated home-Ec class), but I'm hoping she finds some sort of hobby to fill up some of her time.

            I don't know what your situation is like, but finding things you enjoy to fill up your time would be my suggestion. And always remember you're not alone.

            Sheep Farmer by day....sigpic....Quilter-in-Training by night
            The Farmmyfarm

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              #7
              Re: Widow....now what?

              Sewflower - I can't even imagine the sorrow you are dealing with. There are other wonderful forum members who have gone through this and will chime in I'm sure. Please know that I am praying for you

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                #8
                Re: Widow....now what?

                Sewflower I am sorry to hear of you loss. My DH passed Oct 2013 left me a widow at 57. I know I would have to think about the things that Wayne would want me to be doing. That helped me a little to know that he would want me to keep on living my life to the fullest. I will admit though the loneliness really can eat at one though. In that manner I have been very lucky about five years ago before Wayne became ill out good friend Sue came down to live with us. She is also a widow and retired from the Post Office and decided that W.V. winters were too cold anymore. She has been a great comfort to me this last year. Just take you time and process your feelings. I had to return to work and was then told by my employer after only 8 weeks later to basically it was time to move on which really hurt my feelings. But with all that being said take all the time you need. Find one small thing a day to make you happy.

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                  #9
                  Re: Widow....now what?

                  ((Sunflower)),

                  I wish I could give you a hug in person, I can't imagine the pain you're in. We're close in age and the same anniversary milestone. Jean had some great advise as a widow she truly understands your pain. I've met Jean in person when she visited her daughter here in the Atlanta area, she a wonderful, compassionate person. If you need someone to reach out to, she would be one of those Forum members who you could contact.

                  (edited as Lonna posted while typing this) Lonna is another long time cyber Forum/FB friend, couldn't find a sweeter, caring person as well. She would be another connection person good for you.

                  Now that you can PM me to chat if you feel overwhelmed and just need a person to reach out to. You'll find that this is a warm group of folks.

                  When you're ready and interested in doing some charity, I run Cyber Elves Give Back, a non-profit children's charity group that makes pillowcases, blankets, hats, crayon roll-ups, etc. for 7 hospitals in 7 states. Many Elves are from The Forum, you can find us under the Group tab, or if you're on FB you can join us in the closed group for more easy chatter and meeting cyber friends.

                  Prayers and huggers, Ruby
                  Last edited by HandsOffItsMine; January 13, 2015, 09:18 AM.
                  sigpic Visit my fabric shopping cart YardageALaCarte.com - PM me for a 25% Off your Total Purchase Code, just mention "The Forum" in your message. Huggers, Ruby

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                    #10
                    Re: Widow....now what?

                    I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you feel overwhelmed sometimes.
                    My friend went thru the same feelings. She now volunteers one day
                    a week with me to serve meals to the homeless. She goes to shows,
                    travels, and sews for charity. Keeping busy is a good thing.
                    Prayers and hugs being sent your way!!!

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                      #11
                      Re: Widow....now what?

                      Find something to do that occupies your heart and mind. Do you really think he would have wanted you to sit around mourning yourself into oblivion?

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                        #12
                        Re: Widow....now what?

                        Sewflower {{{HUGS}}} So sorry for your loss. The advice that I got from a friend who had lost a spouse was it takes time to find a new "normal" of life. She said the first year was really hard because it was a year of "firsts" without her husband. She said the second year was easier.
                        She did get involved with a couple of organizations she was interested in. She decided was the time to try things that she had been waiting until she retired to try.

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                          #13
                          Re: Widow....now what?

                          You have my sympathies.

                          I think I would try going back to work before writing it off as something I couldn't do. You have been doing it long enough that it probably comes second nature to you so mindless work that keeps your hands busy could be just what you need. Jobs aren't easy to come by anymore, so that is a consideration.

                          Other than that all I can say is it takes time.
                          K is for Karen 😊​..................
                          Cremation - My last hope for a smokin' hot body.


                          Before you speak,
                          T - is it TRUE?
                          H - is it HELPFUL?
                          I - is it INSPIRING?
                          N - is it NECESSARY?
                          K - is it KIND?

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                            #14
                            Re: Widow....now what?

                            All I can offer is {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} and say that it will take time to find your new normal. I'm so sorry for your pain {{{{{hug}}}}}}!

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                              #15
                              Re: Widow....now what?

                              I'm so sorry for your loss. Sometimes work can be a good distraction from the things going on in our personal lives. It might be good to be around other people to help keep you from feeling isolated.

                              I can only imagine what you are going through. Sending you a big virtual hug.

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