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    A Woman update 2

    I haven't posted very much lately, seems I'm kind of stuck in one place. I started to try and clean out some of Bob's things, and to clean up the house in general. I did manage to take 1 load to the thrift store. Everything is scattered-pilled or tossed for garbage! It was like hitting a brick wall, I just can't make myself do anything, it's to hard going into his room, I have no inclinations at all of cleaning period. I'm just frozen in place.....I'm having a love affair with the couch, tv and cups of coffee and chamomile tea.
    I relive Bob's passing every **** day...not intentionally, the images just pop in my head at any given time, while doing dishes, or doing laundry etc. and I cry..... I can't even watch the stupid tv, without being so upset if it refers to death, even if it's meant to be funny....I know I'm NOT supposed to be so touchy, it just happens is all I know.
    The other night, I was very rudely awakened at 1:30 am, with the sound of a woman screaming! I mean it was LOUD. I sat upright startled and scared, It took about maybe 4-5 seconds and I suddenly realized.....it was ME! Now I'm thinking what the hell??? then it all came back to me. I had this horrid nightmare, I was in my living room.....and Bob walked into the room very much alive!!!
    I was in a cold sweat.....it shook me to the core. I shook my head a little, got up and went to the kitchen and turned the coffee pot on, there was no way I was going back to sleep!
    I wondered if a person could still be in shock even after 4 months? It's like being on auto pilot, just going through the motions of daily rituals. wash and repeat....
    I think about the lovely ladies on the forum, my heart sinks and I have so much empathy for the one's who had to go through loosing someone so close to them. I had never thought people should ever say to some one "I know / understand what you're going through, if you yourself haven't gone down that path, it's insulting, it's patronizing.
    And to top everything off the virus.......and soon the flu! God have mercy on us! I pray every day, for God to intervene to save us from this evil scourge on the earth. It petrifies me! I'm in overload.
    I turn to the forum each morning to see what some are up to, it gets my mind off things, I can never forget the kindness shown, God Bless them all! it's almost 4 am, go get more coffee, and log on to the forum, if they only knew how much they helped to keep me going!! I need to mention it again sometime soon. Just like "Finding Nemo", I need to go and find my sewing room again!!
    Last edited by ktdid; July 30, 2020, 04:10 AM.
    Kathryn
    Man, Despite His artistic pretensions, his sophistication, his many accomplishments, Owes his existence to a Six-inch layer of topsoil and the fact, That It Rains! anonymous

    #2
    Kathryn, I’ve never gone through what you have. I lost my father and it took a long time not to “think” of him not alive. I know, not the same as you.....My mother lost her husband (sorry, a duh moment). And she took time. She’s a painter and had painted his portrait before he died. It was hung by the chair he ALWAYS sat in . Throughout the day she talked, yelled, whatever to “him.” She said is helped lots. She has now removed the portrait to another location, rearranged the rooms. It took her over 3 years to handle all his clothes and find homes for it all.

    Everyone handles grief at their own pace and speed. Be kind to yourself. Pick 1 thing, even a tiny thing, handle it and move on. Try something each day. Maybe do it, maybe not. Small steps may soon move to larger steps.

    I will keep you in my prayers. I have a soft spot for those named Kathryn.....it’s my sisters name, spelt exactly the same way. She’s as tough as steel....sometimes it scares me.

    Hope today is better and you have a good nights sleep. Love and hugs......💖
    💫 Star lover

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      #3
      Kathryn, dearest one. Anita has given you some good advise. One thing that popped into my mind while reading your post, is there a Grief Group in your area? My MIL joined a group and she loves the companionship. Everyone in the group has lost their mate. It might be worth investigating.

      Know that those of us that have walked the path you're on are here to under gird and support you any way we can. Quilter's love runs deep, and we do understand. Wrap yourself in a quilt and feel our hugs surrounding you.
      Katrina
      “Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.” Maya Angelou

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        #4
        I know what you are going through. 7 months in and I still struggle too. Things seem to be getting more tolerable and then something happens and sets me back again. All say in time it will be better. WHEN? I thought about the doctors offer of drugs but that is not the way I want to go. I do not take any drugs and think it will just prolong the process. I find if I push myself to do some cleaning it keeps my mind occupied for a bit. Sometimes it helps. I really want to go out to eat or shop, anywhere. Then a bit of panic hits. Partially due to Covid. Partially to my situation. We will get through this. Just remind yourself that you are strong. Ah well. Sounds like good advice. Maybe I will take it myself. Hang in there. We will survive and come through this in our own time.

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          #5
          Everyone's grief is different. You might feel as though you are "stuck," but don't stress about it. There is no right or wrong. Please remember that you can always reach out to this forum when you need support. There are many here to help you pick yourself up when you feel you can't do it alone. Be kind to yourself. (((((Hugs))))) to you.

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            #6
            My very first memory of anything is my father's death. I was five years old and just beginning to have self-awareness about the world around me. I have snapshot memories of him, but nothing concrete. I've often said that this caused a rootlessness in me that affects me to this day. When I lost my mother, I wanted to give the eulogy. Many people questioned whether I would be able to do so, as I did myself. Yet, in my research, I came across something from the author William Styron that really spoke to me. He was talking about a letter that F. Scott Fitzgerald had written to a friend who had lost two sons in a two-year period. Fitzgerald wrote "Who was it said that it was astounding how deepest griefs can change in time to a sort of joy? The golden bowl is broken indeed but it was golden; nothing can ever take those boys away from you now."

            Keep your memories and cherish them. No one can ever take them away from you. Take care.

            Rob
            There's nothing more directly linked to who we are than the fabric that we make.
            --Ken Burns

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              #7
              Everyone is right. Grief has no timetable and you just have to get through it somehow. I have never lost a spouse so I can't say I know what you are going through. When my mother died I thought I was handling it very well and then bam! Two years after her passing I was in Walgreens just walking down the aisle and I started blubbering like a fool as I was passing a rack of Mother's Day cards. It was so unexpected.I think the way you are feeling is perfectly natural. Just go ahead and scream and cry and yell. I think it does you good to get it out of your system as it bubbles up. Don't be so hard on yourself. It hasn't been that long. Plus I think all this self isolation because of covid makes it even harder bc you can't even socialize with friends or family. We are here for you. If it helps to come here and vent, you can do that every single day if you need to.

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                #8
                Kathryn, everyone else has said it perfectly. You'll grieve as only you know how, and for as long as you need too. Your grief is as unique as you are, and can't compare to anyone else's, for theirs is just as unique as they are. Cry when you need to, scream when you can't hold it in, laugh and smile when you can! We're here for you, we can't hold you in our arms, but we will always hold you in our hearts.

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                  #9
                  I can empathize with you. My first husband died at age 28 of suicide. I was left widowed at age 27 with 2 pre-school boys. I used to weep copious tears while taking a shower & would ask myself, "What could I have done differently? Why?" Sometimes we never know the answers to our Why questions. Everyone works through the stages of grief at their own pace. I'd say what you're going through is a normal response. Just like the saying there are no quilt police, there is no one saying you need to be pulling yourself up by your boot straps & getting on with life. Working through grief is a process. There will be okay days & other days that it hits you right between the eyes & you feel devastated all over again. There is no time limit on going through your husband's clothing & items. It will wait until you feel ready to face that challenge.

                  If there is no grief support group in your area, maybe you could find one on line. This Forum is here for you, too.

                  One of my nurse friends (when I still was working) -- her husb. (in his early 60's) was diagnosed with cancer. They were just getting used to his new diagnosis, & he started chemo. Unfortunately, he had a poor response to it & got pneumocystis pneumonia (like AIDS patients get); it was a 1 in 40 chance of getting this response. While he was sick with the pneumonia, he crashed, they did CPR, he was put on the vent. only until all family members gathered, then he died after the vent. was removed. It was a shock to everyone. His wife said she thought the 2nd year after his death was almost harder than the first. So not to discourage you, but just to let you know others have a hard time, too, & it takes time. Hang in there & take things one day at a time. Thoughts & prayers for you.

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                    #10
                    Everything written here is true. We all grieve differently and we pass through grief at a different pace. We are complex beings and it takes time. Try to be kind and gentle to yourself. Some days will be easier than others. You have friends who care about you and are willing to listen and pray for you.

                    I was widowed in 2007 and part of me was still grieving until 2013, years after I had remarried. Fortunately I’m married to a kind, loving man who understands grieving. Jeff and I moved from the house that my late husband Michael and I lived in. It was on the market for sale and it remained on the market for six years. Every year on the date of Michel’s passing I would go to the old house and spend time crying and grieving. Each year it got a little easier and year six I knew that I was done. Immediately thereafter the house sold. Grief comes and passes differently for each of us. No one has the right to tell you how you should grieve or for how long. Hugs to you as you walk this path.
                    Last edited by Bubby; July 30, 2020, 05:15 PM.
                    sigpicwww.whisperofrose.blogspot.com


                    Scottie Mom Barb

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                      #11
                      I cannot imagine the grief you have but I know it must be excrutiating. I think often of what it might be like to be left alone and I don't like what I imagine. Marriage makes us into one and when half of you goes the other half cannot conceive of continuing. I've spoken to many widowed women and the common thread is extreme loneliness and missing their loved one. But eventhough others have been there, it won't make your own pain diminish. We have all been praying for you and trying to give you some strength, but just try to know that he'll be there when its your turn . God will take care of you.
                      Walk in peace with the Lord by your side.
                      Terry

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                        #12
                        He has come to see you in your dreams, do not be afraid. That is what I believe.

                        "More often than not though, they come to us in our dreams as a way to say goodbye or at least to lessen our grief at their loss." I have taken this from this site if you wish to read the whole page https://her.womenworking.com/8-signs...ing-you-dreams
                        Last edited by Monique; July 31, 2020, 03:21 AM.
                        Blessed are the children of the piecemakers for they shall inherit the quilts!

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