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    Oh Kathryn, how I wish we lived closer, you really need a good friend right now. Everything you are going through is completely normal. Reliving Bob's death, what you did or wish you did, all normal. My sister died years ago of suicide, and my last phone conversation (she lived far away) with her we had an argument and she hung up on me. I played the what if game afterwards for years and finally got myself to let it go. Your brain will seem to play tricks on you, your memory will seem to have a life of its own recalling some things vividly yet you might not have a clue what day of the week it is. And no you are not going crazy it is just your body's way of processing this horrible loss. Let yourself cry and just do whatever it rakes to get through the next hour, the rest of the day. I am so so sorry you are hurting like this. Unfortunately there is no way to skip this part, just get through it. We are ALL here for you whenever you need us. Life will get easier but truthfully probably not for a long time.


      Morning all, Terry, your right regarding spirits. I'm not a medium, nor anything except what I call a "feeling in my bones". After coming to Oklahoma I have experienced many events in and out of this house. I know there is a woman named Maude, she lived here in the 30's and her husband was Howard. One day I was in the kitchen and the microwave suddenly turned on all by itself!, I wasn't afraid, but I knew it was her, and she was wondering what the "zapper" was, & accidently got to close! There's a chair in the dinning room from an old courthouse I bought. And it creeks and moans when anyone sits in it. Quite often, I'll hear it creaking just like someone is sitting in it, and I always get a mental picture of a man in blue overalls, coming in from a hot day, to cool off. Many times when I go to do a wash, before I get to the washer it will come on, all ready to start washing!

      2 days after Bob, I went to wash, and every & I mean every light on that washer light up like a Christmas tree, flashing like a strobe light! all I could do was say "Please tell me it's you" but nothing since then, I get the feeling he's not here, but in Idaho with his past family/. Oh! how that hurts, I HAVE to know he's here! in this house..... Later, I will post a letter I wrote to my friends sister that lost her DH. It's about my brother.
      There are moments which mark your life, moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same. And time is divided into two parts, Before this and After this


        17, April 2020
        It’s 4 weeks today…I had gotten the death certificate last week, but I just couldn’t open it. I can’t say why, I guess in some dumb way, it wasn’t “Official” up to that point…it’s like this is it, it’s the last confirmation of Bob leaving me. I have to take it to the lawyer, to file for putting the house in just my name. I’m still somewhat in the “dazed” state. You ask yourself over & over, is this really “real”? I guess a “Reality Check” is in order here. But it’s just too hard. The images are still doing a rerun in my head. I can’t make it stop …..

        My Lupus is flaring up, it’s always there, but some days-weeks- it’s worse. No 2 people have Lupus in the same way. It’s a crap shoot every time you get up, wondering what will you get accomplished today? if anything, and what part of the body is causing chaos. I usually have about 4- 6 hours a day to stand up & get something done. I get so ANGRY I want to do things, but the body doesn’t cooperate. If it weren’t for my pain med. I’d be on the couch 24-7. I’m constantly thinking of the forum family, I feel for them, and what they have gone through. I could never forget them. Their words have given me so much comfort, and support like I have never known.
        Lance, the neighbor up the street, did the most wonderful thing for me last Friday. I’m inserting my letter to him. He has been a true “Blessing”.

        Friday 10, April 2020
        Cushing, Oklahoma

        There are angels among us, living, breathing, mortal angels, doing “Gods” work. Not knowing they had been chosen to do their particular selfless act. Each of us has pondered the thought, why am I here, what is my purpose in life? I have been compelled to tell this story, this feeling will not let me rest until I do, I take it as a message from God to do this, I cannot explain this feeling, nor can I say I won’t do this, all I know is I must write this down. To acknowledge, the men that did such a wonderful unselfish act. To say “Thank You” from my very soul.

        There were 2 of these mortal angels, that came to me one morning while I was sitting on my porch. One I knew, the other I didn’t know.
        Lance Larson was a neighbor up the street from me. I mostly knew him as the guy who mowed lawns, dressed in shorts, sitting upon his riding lawnmower. He knew my husband had been gravely ill, and had recently passed away. He offered me help in any way he could, because my husband had been a Marine. He had told me he was a member of the American Legion Post 108 here in Cushing, Oklahoma.
        But that particular day, he looked so different, he was nicely dressed, in his legion shirt, hat, and white gloves. A proud handsome man who was still serving his country. Then the other man introduced himself as Jimmy Cranford. he also, was dressed as handsome as Lance.

        These 2 men, who proudly stood in front of me, representing their post and our country. Jimmy began to speak, in his soft voice, I started crying, when he thanked me for my husband’s service. His kind words touched my heart in my darkest of hours. Then he presented me with a flag, neatly folded in the traditional triangle. I clutched this flag closely with all my might. Had it been a living thing, it wouldn’t have survived. I kept saying to them how very much this meant to me, how kind they were to do this. I felt so blest and honored. Jimmy’s words came from the heart, not a scripted speech, that they had meant every word spoken. I knew Lance felt the same way.

        Getting back to the question of why we are here? what is our purpose in life? What did God expect of us? God choose these 2 men in particular, because he saw the kindness within them, he knew their strength, their patriotic fortitude. To give aid and comfort, in any way they could. Only these 2 men could reach out in the way they did, to give consoling words when I needed it most.

        They are fulfilling what God asks of them, this is what their purpose is. The act of giving, their standing proudly representing their country. The comfort they give is immeasurable, they have served their country well. I shall remember Lance & Jimmy for as long as I live, as other’s will also, when they encounter these “Angels” When all is said & done, and God looks upon these men, he will say to them “A Job well done, Lance & Jimmy, “A job well done”
        In kind regards Lance & Jimmy, you have no idea how much you’re appreciated and respected.
        13, April 2020
        There are moments which mark your life, moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same. And time is divided into two parts, Before this and After this


          What a lovely thing Lance and Jimmy did for you and hopefully you can take some comfort from that. 4 weeks already! It probably feels like time has dragged it's heels but also flashed by. Each day brings new challenges for us all especially at this time but we can all only take it one day at a time. It's lovely to hear from you again as you negotiate this new to you way of life. There will be stumbles and hurdles as you continue but we are all here for you lean on when you get weary. There are many members of this forum who have travelled this path ahead of you and know exactly what you are going though.


            That was so wonderful of those men. Brings tears to my eyes and a joy to my heart


              I have worked at a VA hospital for more than 30 years. One thing I have learned is that veterans take care of each other like they were brothers. And their brother's family, too. The saying, "Once a Marine, always a Marine" is so true.