A woman Update

[ktdid]

1, April 2020
I finally gave up on the post office sending the boxes. I’m packing it well, a box withing a box. Sending it Fed X. As I’m driving, I cry saying “You’re on your final last trip” …… I cry all afternoon
2, April 2020
It was 2 weeks last Tuesday, these tears running down my face are relentless, some say it’s cleansing ….all I know is that it doesn’t stop. I asked his sister to spread some of Bob’s ashes out on the desert. I feel sorry for anyone that has never smelled the sage brush right after a rain, it’s cleansing, a freshness one can’t describe and you never forget that scent. Bob loved going out on the desert, camping out, with just his horse, a cast iron skillet, and a few provisions. I’ll ask her to send me some sage brush so I can smell it again, I doubt I’ll ever get to see that beautiful desert that goes on for miles & miles again.
The mortuary calls, said because of the virus, they will mail the death certificate to me… now this place is about 5 -6 blocks from my house, why the hell couldn’t they just open the door a crack and give it to me…. or leave it at my house. That means, to go those 6 blocks, it will travel over 125 miles to get here……. STUPID! and no, they didn’t say anything about the flag….. I knew it!!
3, April 202
Finally got the mower oil changed, will mow and trim, I’m going to be sorry tomorrow, it always hurts the next day, but I just don’t have the extra money to hire someone., there aren’t any groups around, plus everything is closed up anyway. I tried to read some more of a book my doctor told me to get. “Don’t take my sorrow away from me” it’s written by a minister. I can only read a couple pages at a time, with tears running down, it keeps me from reading, maybe by June I’ll have read all of it!!
4, April
It’s 10 am, I’m tracking Bob’s package I sent to his sister in Wendell, Idaho, just north of Twin Falls. I start crying, as I type in the tracking #. It’s in Salt Lake City, Utah…..it will be delivered late today. The tears are uncontrollable now, I’m shaking, this is as bad as when he passed. I haven’t felt his spirit “Dear God” please tell me he will be here in this house!! Some day I may explain my experiences to the forum of all the things that have happened in this house, just hope some of them don’t think I’m losing it for good. I have experienced it myself for real, that there’s more out there that we cannot comprehend. I’m crying so hard now I can’t type. It’s just killing me! I don’t know how I’m supposed to get through this nightmare! My mind just keeps seeing Bob pass, it’s like a loop, just running constantly over & over every day. Even though I’m grateful he didn’t struggle at all, it’s of no comfort to this pain and anguish.
The forum has been a refuge, I just wished they knew how much they have helped me, and how I think so highly of them. Their kindness will never be forgotten, how could it? The only friend I had left has never called for 2 weeks it’s a blow to me, after I cared so much for her after Bobbie died. I guess she doesn’t have the same feelings for me, it’s a hard reality to think it’s all been one sided for 42 years!, she was family, I loved her dearly and told her so. What’s terrible, is I can’t tell her what I think, she’s the only one that can drive me next month for my eye surgery…isn’t that a fine predicament?? I have to swallow my pride, I can hardly drive now, but the surgery will fix that. I hate people that are hypocrites, but she’s the only one I have left to drive me. I HATE this. I need to tell the forum thank you again, I doubt they will ever know how much I have come to care about them. They’ve been so tolerant of me, and I do know of at least a couple that wish I would just shut-up about it. Maybe I should pray for them….

I'm not sure if I posted this correctly, excuse me I did a repeat my brain is slightly off!!.

[SuzanneOrleansOntario]

Oh Katie, I am so wrenched and feeling your pain. It's really difficult to sort through all the emotions but it's good that you are able to journal your thoughts, feelings and capture daily progress. I'm certain you will be somewhat relieved that Bob will be forever in his happy place. Take your time with daily chores, so you do need to rely on your body to get you through this.
I'm sorry that your friend is not there for you. I have seen that after my divorce. I guess you never know. Hopefully you can find a lift for surgery. I hope it doesn't get cancelled due to virus. Sending you hugs and strength during these challenging times.

[KPH]

Good Morning Kathrine,

I've been thinking about you, wondering how you were doing. Everything is so hard that first month, the numbness and shock starts to wear off. Then things get real. Daily chores and keeping busy helps for only so long. Quiet times are the hardest. I was gifted a book when my youngest had cancer. I couldn't pick it up without breaking down. I put it aside and waited until I could read it. I think I gained more from my reading by waiting. Then again, you have to listen to your heart.

Contact the mortuary about the flag and remind them of their obligation and that you're still expecting it. It could be that they are out with the quarantine. My uncle used to go to DC to pick up flags for his chapter of the Fleet Reserve. His group and others would provide the flags for veterans when called upon.

Please take care of yourself. You're on a hard journey, and with time and faith it does get easier.

[NancyH]

Hello Katie, My heart goes out to you. Losing someone you love is a long and painful process, but you will get through it. One day at a time. I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but with all the prayers coming your way you will get through this.

Try not to be to hard on your friend. Some people just don't know what to say or what to do. They just feel helpless. It isn't that they don't care or love you, they just don't know how to help.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[grammaterry]

I know he is with you my dear. I have experienced the departed coming to console me. Keep you mind open to it and know that it truly is real and if you are not afraid, your DH will help you get thru these things. Some experience the closeness while they are in twilight sleep others, like me can do it fully awake. Communicate with him and it will pass. You can't touch him but he will talk to you if you let him.
God will help you thru this time. Your friend doesn't know what to say to you. Don't be angry. Don't tell her how sad you are, but let her know you need her to come and be with you, to share a meal. This covid virus has everything upside down. She is your friend and she just doesn't know what to do.

[Simply Quilting]

Hugs and prayers.

[toggpine]

Katie,
I don't know what words to say. Sometimes, when we don't know what to say, we don't say anything, for fear of making things worse. There probably aren't any that would truly help ease your pain. It doesn't mean we don't wish there were!
I know I'm not the only one who wishes we were close enough to support you in person.

Please know I wish you the best. May you find moments of peace in the coming days.

[Bouse]

My thoughts continue to be with you as you learn to get through this phase of your life.

[Monique]

Words escape me, thoughts, prayers and virtual hugs headed your way.

[JCY]

Hang in there, one day at a time. There was an article in our paper today about the Honor Guard temp. discontinuing their service at veterans' funerals due to the risk of exposure to the C-19. These vets are elderly themselves. Hopefully one day this craziness will be over & things will normalize again. Hold out for your flag from the mortuary. Sorry you're having such a tough time of it. Yes, journaling helps.

[ktdid]

9, April 2020
3 weeks 2 days I’m about the same as when this whole thing started. The days seem to blur into just one single event that never stops. The only difference is how many times did I cry each day….and how many times did I wish for events or things I cannot change??

To all the women on the forum, those of you that have been thru this, I do feel for you, I do know how much you hurt. I’m truly sorry for all of you, you’re in my prayers as well, asking God to ease your pain. It would be a sin to not include you!
I’ve thought about why is it, after a loved one passes, we try to make them better than they really were, or not wanting them to sound bad, we put the blame on ourselves?? We can play the “What if’s” into eternity, and it won’t change a thing! We try to justify the reasons of them passing. The “If only” starts to creep into your brain, “If”. .. “I had done, “If only I hadn’t” If…if…if…goes on forever. Just how stupid is that?

We ask God to many questions. We also question God to many things. I’ve never asked the infamous “WHY” first of all, it’s not a fair question, and secondly, you’re not going to receive an answer. But I certainly have told “God” I do not understand”. Please help me see the meaning of this when I’m troubled or so deeply in horrible sorrow as I am now.

I’ve had the troubling thoughts of why should I care about anything… nothing changes…I’m still just going thru the motions of doing the daily crap-o-la things like a robot. I can feel nothing past what I’m going through now. I’m numb, what’s a little more pain? what’s a little more burden? I just accept it, because I don’t really care. I resign myself to “Maybe, this is God’s way of punishing me for things I did or didn’t do.

All I know right now, is these tears will not, stop flowing, the constant re-run of his passing going on & on & on in my brain. That every time I sit on the couch, I look into his bedroom, and see his cowboy hat on the bed. That hat for him was “him” he never went out the door without it. Just as you would wear clothes, he wore that hat! I can’t bear to remove it from my sight. Yet, I can’t bear to look at it…it’s an oxymoron!

A neighbor just a few houses from me is very involved in the American Legion. He passed by yesterday, and I stopped him to tell him about Bob, and how I had tried to call several veteran’s groups for any help they might offer, and that they all said no. He said he would look into it for me, and said he had known others who had their funeral expenses reimburse. I’m not letting myself think this will happen, almost, always I get let down and disappointed, but then, “disappointed” is my middle name!

I seem to have stopped calling MSQ’s “The forum” it seems more appropriate to just say “The Family”. I’ve never had a family per say, my grandma died when I was 7, I took over the household, my mother had polio. I was 10 when I was given my sister, to raise literally...her crib etc. was in my bedroom. I was her “mother”.
I also cooked my first full thanksgiving meal at 10, looking back it was child abuse, but no one acknowledged it as that. It was just life as I knew it, best not to question why.
I’ve gotten off the beaten path so to speak, to many bad memories in this brain!! I need to go do my robot things today. I’ll mow tomorrow, I’m tired….to all of you have a very blessed day! Love Kathryn

[SuzanneOrleansOntario]

Katie, I can't speak from experience but somehow people say the pain passed with time. I don't think it really does for many, but maybe switches to distant and fond memories, a moment of kindness. Today is the 20th anniversary of my dad's passing. I remember him for all his kindness, his quiet guidance. While I cried for years before he died as he suffered from COPD, we did spent moments together in silence and just being there.

[cjsews]

With all the stress of the virus on top of your DH passing may seem unbearable. It is for me. But we will get thru this. Time will ease our grief. Just hang in there. My DD decided to get married 5 weeks after. I totally lost it after the vows. Had to go home and cry the rest of the day. It is slowly getting better for me and it will for you too.
happy Easter. A time for new beginnings

[chelea]

Kathryn, from what you say you've had some rough patches in life. One saying I've heard is that the toughest steel is forged in the hottest fire. I think you're stronger than you might think. There is no time table for working through these feelings...it's whatever time your body and mind need to process it all. Be kind to yourself.

[GuitarGramma]

Kathryn, you are very sweet to share with us all that is going on with you. I know I speak for everyone here, that we are honored you are willing to pour out your heart to us. Whether you're writing anew or re-sending a prior post, we feel your pain. Many of us are praying for you. (((((HUGS)))))

[201 Treadler]

just heard 'crying in the rain' by a-ha
thought of you continuing prays for some comfort,
virtual hugs T