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A Woman Update

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    A Woman Update

    Someone wanted to know how I was doing day to day. This is lengthy, and I promise you “NOT to do this again”.

    23, March 2020
    The urns came this am. called mortuary to tell her. She said they would be & out most of the day, she needed to know when I was coming, told her I could come now. I get there, it’s dark inside, she’s in ratty old blue jeans, & sweat shirt…. her hair is a mess… she turns on some lights, tells me she’d be back in just one moment. The I hear her on the phone talking about a funeral, this goes on for 15 minutes !! all the while, I’m crying my eyes out, waiting & waiting. She finally comes, and asks if I want the ashes put into the urns… (I’m thinking, no I just wanted you to see them!!)
    Told her one was going his sister in Idaho, I needed to get back home to see about any help I could get from his military service, then she said the death certificates hadn’t come in, and she’d get me a flag, I had already told her he in was in the service when she was writing the obituary last week. I doubt I’ll ever see the flag. Most people around here think this was the best mortuary in town. They don’t want to know what I think!!
    So, I’m packing up the smaller urn, and look on the internet about shipping the remains. Seems there are some strict restrictions about that. I call FedEx, they won’t do it. I see about the post office, they will, but it has to be in a special box that says on the outside of it in large red letters, “Cremated Remains” I ordered the box, (5 days later it’s still not here). I’m sick of people screwing with me!! I cry all afternoon.

    26, March 2020
    It’s 5:45 am. Washed & curled my hair, I start brushing it out, I look in the mirror…not liking what I see. Oh, my! I tell myself “Your looking so old right now”. This is what being thru Hell looks like. I don’t know when exactly, but one day I blinked, and suddenly I’m 72 yrs. old. God had spared me 4 different times, the worst was the malignant melanoma in my arm 3 yrs. ago. They say it will come back, but in a different place. The stress of Bob, will probably give it a better chance of rearing its ugly head…. my immune system is shot from 3 other disease’s. One takes life as it comes, I’m just trying to survive this hell I’m in right now.
    Will try to make more phone calls, stupid Lawyer never called back about the will & house. I have no choice but to get the ridding mower out, change the oil & filter plus grease it. And the trimmer for the lawn also. I’m not in the mood for this…I just want to wake up from this horrific terrorizing nightmare I’m in. The forum has been such an extraordinary group. I’ve never had such support in my entire life… not even from Bob. The care and words of support have been truly a blessing. I wished I could do or say something so they know how much I appreciate them. This beautiful group has extended out their hands & heart to me…saying thank you doesn’t do it justice in how I feel about them.
    Even in his final days, he never said he was sorry about anything…not sorry for when told me he loved his sister more than me, and if the two of us were drowning he’d save her first… I was crushed…I just could never forgive him for that… things were pretty rocky after that, the last 10 years…. all lost because of words spoken. I’m reminded of a verse

    The Essence of Destiny.
    Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
    Choose your words, for they become actions.
    Understand your actions, for they become habits.
    Study your habits, for they will become your character.
    Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny.”. unknown

    27, March 2020

    Waking up I know I did to much yesterday mowing, & using the stupid weed eater, my arms ache, my legs hurt from standing to long. Didn’t trim the back lawn, I was hurting to much. Will have to change the oil next week for sure.
    I go into Bob’s bedroom…I look at the closet, I’m thinking I can’t get over this … Bob would never wear anything but western shirts, he complained they were always to short. So, I started making them, there’s a hundred pieces to a western shirt (exaggerated) Over 42 years I made at least a hundred, including wool. The don’t make western shirts in wool but I did, and every trucker that saw them, always asked where the heck did you find a shirt like that, and how expensive was it? He smiled and said they were custom handmade. They commented how good they were.
    I start crying again…there was a lot of love that went into each & every stitch in these shirts. I can’t stop crying, packing up, I get the horrendous feeling of it’s like your trying to remove every trace of them… Dear God, do you know how excruciating this is for me? I get about 60% of it done. Bob had won several awards for driving, lots of jackets, watches, plaques & pins. A beautiful driver of the year jacket I can’t seem to pack away for Goodwill. Also, the company gave a diamond ring, & watch with diamonds what do I do with them??? I can’t stand any more I have to leave the bedroom. I make some chamomile tea and sit on the front porch still, ……crying.

    28, March 2020
    Just great, it’s 12:45 a.m. still can’t sleep. I start drawing out a new quilt on the “Beast” (computer) it’s the only way I can forget for even a few minutes…I can get so preoccupied it makes me concentrate on drawing out the pattern. No, I don’t use a quilt program. I have to start cleaning this house! I’ll start on the dinning room. Well, that took most of the morning, I clutch a cup of chamomile tea & sit on the front porch, just focusing on the sound from the wind chimes, nothing else. It’s soothing not thinking about what I’m facing. I remember a piece I wrote when he had his first attack.

    I find, for the most part, disrupts your everyday lifestyle, it seeps into every aspect of it. It tries to blind you, keeping hope at arm’s length. Overcoming fear takes strength, courage, and most importantly, HOPE & FAITH. Without it, it becomes almost impossible. It can be impenetrable without it. Having faith knows no specific culture, no specific religion, it is strictly a matter between a person and their “GOD”.
    Even an atheist has hope, perhaps for a tomorrow, for a specific reason to do or accomplish something, therefore, he does have HOPE, believing in something, or that tomorrow will come, weather he admits it or not. And that comes only from “God”!
    One’s faith strengthens in the face of fear, it is there without even being aware of it, automatically taking hold. It is what makes you look directly into the eye of fear itself.
    Ones thoughts go directly to this higher power, whatever form it may be in, it is still “GOD”.
    Hope and Faith are not separable.
    I am not a publicly/ outwardly, person in “preaching” my religious beliefs, on the most part I speak very little of it. Only because I feel it is a very extremely, personal, private, affair between your heart & “GOD”, within me lies a belief so strong, it cannot be broken, not by fear, not by death, not by any imaginable reason.
    So too, is the trust, love & faith I have in my husband, I cannot live without either. He is my link to staying stable at times, He brings solace to me. A comforting hand to ease my pain. A shoulder to lean & cry upon. He is my everything, my world. There are times, I feel fearful, because I have been this way since I can remember.
    Unfortunately, this is who I am. I dislike this trait immensely...... Being painfully shy & timid of the unknown, brings out "FEAR". It looms in the shadows when there are decisions one may make. I guess everyone has felt this "FEAR", but it generally subsides for them.....
    I am still trying to get to that part of it subsiding.......

    29, March 2020
    I cried all afternoon yesterday, I watched a couple of concerts on tv from “The Eagles” last night a welcomed relief & finally went to sleep. Today I tackle the kitchen what a chore, I’m paying for not keeping things up now! Hoping to stop crying most of the day, but it’s impossible.
    Will post a note to the forum to NOT keep going on about this. I would think it’s getting old about now. I care so much about these beautiful people, don’t want to wear my welcome out.

    There are moments which mark your life, moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same. And time is divided into two parts, Before this and After this

    You will NOT wear out your welcome. You need someplace to come and sort of say things out loud and you can do that here. It's still early days for you as you go through this difficult time. And then add the craziness of this virus hitting, well it can be a bit overwhelming can't it. We are here for you. Remember to take care of yourself.
    Ginny B


      Katy, please don't ever feel you need to apologize for your long posts, and I encourage you to continue writing them as long as it helps you. In times of grief, we all need someone to talk with, to feel connected to, to know that someone cares. During these troubled times that our Nation is experiencing (Corvid-19), it's especially hard when others can't be with you physically to listen and offer the simplest gesture of holding your hand when you weep, it's especially important that we remain connected, even if it's thru a forum of compassionate people.

      I know that not all of us (myself included) respond, but know that's not for lack of compassion, but only because it's so hard sometimes to know what to say, so instead we send prayers of comfort. You have been in my daily prayers since you first let us know about Bob's passing away and will continue to be.


        Katherine, Take your time. It's going to be difficult and some days are going to be more difficult than others. Check with your Boy Scouts in the area. We were always looking for community service hours for our boys. They may be able to help with your lawn, at least the heavy jobs.
        Write as you see fit. We're all here to take care of each other and support each other. You're so right when you say this is a warm and caring group. I've never known anything like it.

        Take care of yourself. This is an especially hard with all of the social distancing that is required now.

        Sending you hugs and prayers.
        “Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.” Maya Angelou


          I agree with everything Caroline said. Never feel like you're sharing too much or too little. It's all in what works for you and there is no normal. You're journaling, and I promise you it'll help. Moment by moment, one task at a time and one day at a time you'll get through this. You have a lot of friends and quilting sisters here holding you up in prayer.

          In love and Prayer,

          Quilters make great comforters.

          Friendship is sewn with love and measured by kindness.


            Kathryn, please know that I will read every word, no matter how long. I wish all of us, your Forum friends, could surround you in person, but we'll do our best to be your virtual support group in the meantime.
            Please be kind to yourself. Take it slow. I'm praying for you.

            to the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world...


              PLEASE don't stop writing. Your words are helping me. Even with having people around me doesn't take away the feelings of being lost and alone at times. I lost my father at beginning of March. In a two month span I was dealing with hospitals, skilled nursing home and then hospice at home. He did not have a will, so I am dealing with lawyer here in California and a lawyer in Tennessee. With the virus isolation my helpers (friends/family) are not able to visit and help me, for his entire house needs to be cleared out to sell it. And I think in just a few short months I will be faced with losing another, my honey that lives with me will be needing hospice. I just hope his insurance will allow me to use the same hospice agency I used for my father.

              I know that physical feeling of "I did TOO much" on any given day. But sometimes if you don't move then the mind just goes into over drive! I keep hearing I should have a garage/estate sale, and the last person that said that to me caught me at a BAD moment. I said well you know what.. HAVE AT IT! You can sell and keep the $$. And I not talking the valuable items, those are coming to my house. But I just feel the need to get this clearing out task done ASAP. I have so much on my plate that bickering with people on the price of stuff is not what I am up to doing. I need to be ready to put the house on the market as soon as I hear that the courts have granted me administrator of probate. Until it sells I am making his mortgage payments also.

              Almost 20 years ago I lost my husband (high school sweet heart) of 25 years and my mother only 1 week apart. Both did not leave quickly, there were months and months of care involved. I got through that and I know I will get through this, but as I get older, finding that inner strength seems to be so much more draining, physically and mentally.

              Hugs to all !!!


                I know it’s hard. Just do a little at a time. Unless you are moving there is no hurry to clear things out. Feeling like you are making the house yours alone is hard. Every time I get rid of something it hurts. So a little today and then nothing for another week. Cry all you want. Write here all you want. We will all be here for you. Big hugs {{{}}}


                  One day at a time! Sorting/donating items does not need to be done in a hurry. As you work your way through things, it helps with the grieving process. Try to cherish the good memories. Tears are healing. We're hear to listen & help you through this difficult time. It might be helpful if you could set up some kind of a daily routine for yourself. Get up & go to bed at the same time, etc. Our bodies need regularity. This whole C-19 virus has put a damper on everyone's lives, so that's an added stressor. You remain in our thoughts & prayers. Trust me, it really will get better as time goes on. With God's strength you'll get through this.


                    Kathryn, I agree with everyone here. Keeping your journal is helping you to process this, and reaching out to your friends on the forum is absolutely the right thing to do. Remember, you can go through Bob's things on YOUR schedule. There's no rush. May I suggest that you keep that driver of the year jacket. It means a lot more to you than it could possibly mean to the Goodwill. And all those western shirts you made for him -- perhaps someday, when you are ready, you may want to make a quilt or a stuffed animal out of those shirts. Something you can snuggle with.

                    There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a very personal experience. You will instinctively know what is right for you to help you get through this.


                      Don't stop writing. I agree with everything everyone has said, so I need not repeat it all. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
                      Blessed are the children of the piecemakers for they shall inherit the quilts!


                        Nothing new to add, but just wanted you to know that I read your posts and have prayed for you.
                        No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.


                          Take your time. The grieving process is not a quick process. I did not clean out his clothes until I was packing to move --- after a year and a half. I had made some reading book pillows for my grandchildren for that first Christmas after my husband passed away and used some of his t-shirts as the back of those pillows. As I was packing to move last summer, I kept about 16-20 of his good shirts to use in making quilts for my 3 kids, his sister and myself. The rest of his things I donated to the Salvation Army . . . except for his very worn, brown leather jacket. He wore it all the time in the cold weather and I just felt I needed to keep it. Just take one day at a time, one minute at a time sometimes. You can do this.



                            Keep on writing, Katie. Journaling is very helpful in the grieving process. Everyone here is thinking about you and including you in their prayers.


                              Katie, this place NEVER closes. Ever. We are always gonna be here whenever you or anyone needs us. Good times or bad. Take care. Gina