A Woman Update
Someone wanted to know how I was doing day to day. This is lengthy, and I promise you “NOT to do this again”.
23, March 2020
The urns came this am. called mortuary to tell her. She said they would be & out most of the day, she needed to know when I was coming, told her I could come now. I get there, it’s dark inside, she’s in ratty old blue jeans, & sweat shirt…. her hair is a mess… she turns on some lights, tells me she’d be back in just one moment. The I hear her on the phone talking about a funeral, this goes on for 15 minutes !! all the while, I’m crying my eyes out, waiting & waiting. She finally comes, and asks if I want the ashes put into the urns… (I’m thinking, no I just wanted you to see them!!)
Told her one was going his sister in Idaho, I needed to get back home to see about any help I could get from his military service, then she said the death certificates hadn’t come in, and she’d get me a flag, I had already told her he in was in the service when she was writing the obituary last week. I doubt I’ll ever see the flag. Most people around here think this was the best mortuary in town. They don’t want to know what I think!!
So, I’m packing up the smaller urn, and look on the internet about shipping the remains. Seems there are some strict restrictions about that. I call FedEx, they won’t do it. I see about the post office, they will, but it has to be in a special box that says on the outside of it in large red letters, “Cremated Remains” I ordered the box, (5 days later it’s still not here). I’m sick of people screwing with me!! I cry all afternoon.
26, March 2020
It’s 5:45 am. Washed & curled my hair, I start brushing it out, I look in the mirror…not liking what I see. Oh, my! I tell myself “Your looking so old right now”. This is what being thru Hell looks like. I don’t know when exactly, but one day I blinked, and suddenly I’m 72 yrs. old. God had spared me 4 different times, the worst was the malignant melanoma in my arm 3 yrs. ago. They say it will come back, but in a different place. The stress of Bob, will probably give it a better chance of rearing its ugly head…. my immune system is shot from 3 other disease’s. One takes life as it comes, I’m just trying to survive this hell I’m in right now.
Will try to make more phone calls, stupid Lawyer never called back about the will & house. I have no choice but to get the ridding mower out, change the oil & filter plus grease it. And the trimmer for the lawn also. I’m not in the mood for this…I just want to wake up from this horrific terrorizing nightmare I’m in. The forum has been such an extraordinary group. I’ve never had such support in my entire life… not even from Bob. The care and words of support have been truly a blessing. I wished I could do or say something so they know how much I appreciate them. This beautiful group has extended out their hands & heart to me…saying thank you doesn’t do it justice in how I feel about them.
Even in his final days, he never said he was sorry about anything…not sorry for when told me he loved his sister more than me, and if the two of us were drowning he’d save her first… I was crushed…I just could never forgive him for that… things were pretty rocky after that, the last 10 years…. all lost because of words spoken. I’m reminded of a verse
“The Essence of Destiny.
Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Choose your words, for they become actions.
Understand your actions, for they become habits.
Study your habits, for they will become your character.
Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny.”. unknown
27, March 2020
Waking up I know I did to much yesterday mowing, & using the stupid weed eater, my arms ache, my legs hurt from standing to long. Didn’t trim the back lawn, I was hurting to much. Will have to change the oil next week for sure.
I go into Bob’s bedroom…I look at the closet, I’m thinking I can’t get over this … Bob would never wear anything but western shirts, he complained they were always to short. So, I started making them, there’s a hundred pieces to a western shirt (exaggerated) Over 42 years I made at least a hundred, including wool. The don’t make western shirts in wool but I did, and every trucker that saw them, always asked where the heck did you find a shirt like that, and how expensive was it? He smiled and said they were custom handmade. They commented how good they were.
I start crying again…there was a lot of love that went into each & every stitch in these shirts. I can’t stop crying, packing up, I get the horrendous feeling of it’s like your trying to remove every trace of them… Dear God, do you know how excruciating this is for me? I get about 60% of it done. Bob had won several awards for driving, lots of jackets, watches, plaques & pins. A beautiful driver of the year jacket I can’t seem to pack away for Goodwill. Also, the company gave a diamond ring, & watch with diamonds what do I do with them??? I can’t stand any more I have to leave the bedroom. I make some chamomile tea and sit on the front porch still, ……crying.
28, March 2020
Just great, it’s 12:45 a.m. still can’t sleep. I start drawing out a new quilt on the “Beast” (computer) it’s the only way I can forget for even a few minutes…I can get so preoccupied it makes me concentrate on drawing out the pattern. No, I don’t use a quilt program. I have to start cleaning this house! I’ll start on the dinning room. Well, that took most of the morning, I clutch a cup of chamomile tea & sit on the front porch, just focusing on the sound from the wind chimes, nothing else. It’s soothing not thinking about what I’m facing. I remember a piece I wrote when he had his first attack.
“Fear”
I find, for the most part, disrupts your everyday lifestyle, it seeps into every aspect of it. It tries to blind you, keeping hope at arm’s length. Overcoming fear takes strength, courage, and most importantly, HOPE & FAITH. Without it, it becomes almost impossible. It can be impenetrable without it. Having faith knows no specific culture, no specific religion, it is strictly a matter between a person and their “GOD”.
Even an atheist has hope, perhaps for a tomorrow, for a specific reason to do or accomplish something, therefore, he does have HOPE, believing in something, or that tomorrow will come, weather he admits it or not. And that comes only from “God”!
One’s faith strengthens in the face of fear, it is there without even being aware of it, automatically taking hold. It is what makes you look directly into the eye of fear itself.
Ones thoughts go directly to this higher power, whatever form it may be in, it is still “GOD”.
Hope and Faith are not separable.
I am not a publicly/ outwardly, person in “preaching” my religious beliefs, on the most part I speak very little of it. Only because I feel it is a very extremely, personal, private, affair between your heart & “GOD”, within me lies a belief so strong, it cannot be broken, not by fear, not by death, not by any imaginable reason.
So too, is the trust, love & faith I have in my husband, I cannot live without either. He is my link to staying stable at times, He brings solace to me. A comforting hand to ease my pain. A shoulder to lean & cry upon. He is my everything, my world. There are times, I feel fearful, because I have been this way since I can remember.
Unfortunately, this is who I am. I dislike this trait immensely...... Being painfully shy & timid of the unknown, brings out "FEAR". It looms in the shadows when there are decisions one may make. I guess everyone has felt this "FEAR", but it generally subsides for them.....
I am still trying to get to that part of it subsiding.......
29, March 2020
I cried all afternoon yesterday, I watched a couple of concerts on tv from “The Eagles” last night a welcomed relief & finally went to sleep. Today I tackle the kitchen what a chore, I’m paying for not keeping things up now! Hoping to stop crying most of the day, but it’s impossible.
Will post a note to the forum to NOT keep going on about this. I would think it’s getting old about now. I care so much about these beautiful people, don’t want to wear my welcome out.
23, March 2020
The urns came this am. called mortuary to tell her. She said they would be & out most of the day, she needed to know when I was coming, told her I could come now. I get there, it’s dark inside, she’s in ratty old blue jeans, & sweat shirt…. her hair is a mess… she turns on some lights, tells me she’d be back in just one moment. The I hear her on the phone talking about a funeral, this goes on for 15 minutes !! all the while, I’m crying my eyes out, waiting & waiting. She finally comes, and asks if I want the ashes put into the urns… (I’m thinking, no I just wanted you to see them!!)
Told her one was going his sister in Idaho, I needed to get back home to see about any help I could get from his military service, then she said the death certificates hadn’t come in, and she’d get me a flag, I had already told her he in was in the service when she was writing the obituary last week. I doubt I’ll ever see the flag. Most people around here think this was the best mortuary in town. They don’t want to know what I think!!
So, I’m packing up the smaller urn, and look on the internet about shipping the remains. Seems there are some strict restrictions about that. I call FedEx, they won’t do it. I see about the post office, they will, but it has to be in a special box that says on the outside of it in large red letters, “Cremated Remains” I ordered the box, (5 days later it’s still not here). I’m sick of people screwing with me!! I cry all afternoon.
26, March 2020
It’s 5:45 am. Washed & curled my hair, I start brushing it out, I look in the mirror…not liking what I see. Oh, my! I tell myself “Your looking so old right now”. This is what being thru Hell looks like. I don’t know when exactly, but one day I blinked, and suddenly I’m 72 yrs. old. God had spared me 4 different times, the worst was the malignant melanoma in my arm 3 yrs. ago. They say it will come back, but in a different place. The stress of Bob, will probably give it a better chance of rearing its ugly head…. my immune system is shot from 3 other disease’s. One takes life as it comes, I’m just trying to survive this hell I’m in right now.
Will try to make more phone calls, stupid Lawyer never called back about the will & house. I have no choice but to get the ridding mower out, change the oil & filter plus grease it. And the trimmer for the lawn also. I’m not in the mood for this…I just want to wake up from this horrific terrorizing nightmare I’m in. The forum has been such an extraordinary group. I’ve never had such support in my entire life… not even from Bob. The care and words of support have been truly a blessing. I wished I could do or say something so they know how much I appreciate them. This beautiful group has extended out their hands & heart to me…saying thank you doesn’t do it justice in how I feel about them.
Even in his final days, he never said he was sorry about anything…not sorry for when told me he loved his sister more than me, and if the two of us were drowning he’d save her first… I was crushed…I just could never forgive him for that… things were pretty rocky after that, the last 10 years…. all lost because of words spoken. I’m reminded of a verse
“The Essence of Destiny.
Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Choose your words, for they become actions.
Understand your actions, for they become habits.
Study your habits, for they will become your character.
Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny.”. unknown
27, March 2020
Waking up I know I did to much yesterday mowing, & using the stupid weed eater, my arms ache, my legs hurt from standing to long. Didn’t trim the back lawn, I was hurting to much. Will have to change the oil next week for sure.
I go into Bob’s bedroom…I look at the closet, I’m thinking I can’t get over this … Bob would never wear anything but western shirts, he complained they were always to short. So, I started making them, there’s a hundred pieces to a western shirt (exaggerated) Over 42 years I made at least a hundred, including wool. The don’t make western shirts in wool but I did, and every trucker that saw them, always asked where the heck did you find a shirt like that, and how expensive was it? He smiled and said they were custom handmade. They commented how good they were.
I start crying again…there was a lot of love that went into each & every stitch in these shirts. I can’t stop crying, packing up, I get the horrendous feeling of it’s like your trying to remove every trace of them… Dear God, do you know how excruciating this is for me? I get about 60% of it done. Bob had won several awards for driving, lots of jackets, watches, plaques & pins. A beautiful driver of the year jacket I can’t seem to pack away for Goodwill. Also, the company gave a diamond ring, & watch with diamonds what do I do with them??? I can’t stand any more I have to leave the bedroom. I make some chamomile tea and sit on the front porch still, ……crying.
28, March 2020
Just great, it’s 12:45 a.m. still can’t sleep. I start drawing out a new quilt on the “Beast” (computer) it’s the only way I can forget for even a few minutes…I can get so preoccupied it makes me concentrate on drawing out the pattern. No, I don’t use a quilt program. I have to start cleaning this house! I’ll start on the dinning room. Well, that took most of the morning, I clutch a cup of chamomile tea & sit on the front porch, just focusing on the sound from the wind chimes, nothing else. It’s soothing not thinking about what I’m facing. I remember a piece I wrote when he had his first attack.
“Fear”
I find, for the most part, disrupts your everyday lifestyle, it seeps into every aspect of it. It tries to blind you, keeping hope at arm’s length. Overcoming fear takes strength, courage, and most importantly, HOPE & FAITH. Without it, it becomes almost impossible. It can be impenetrable without it. Having faith knows no specific culture, no specific religion, it is strictly a matter between a person and their “GOD”.
Even an atheist has hope, perhaps for a tomorrow, for a specific reason to do or accomplish something, therefore, he does have HOPE, believing in something, or that tomorrow will come, weather he admits it or not. And that comes only from “God”!
One’s faith strengthens in the face of fear, it is there without even being aware of it, automatically taking hold. It is what makes you look directly into the eye of fear itself.
Ones thoughts go directly to this higher power, whatever form it may be in, it is still “GOD”.
Hope and Faith are not separable.
I am not a publicly/ outwardly, person in “preaching” my religious beliefs, on the most part I speak very little of it. Only because I feel it is a very extremely, personal, private, affair between your heart & “GOD”, within me lies a belief so strong, it cannot be broken, not by fear, not by death, not by any imaginable reason.
So too, is the trust, love & faith I have in my husband, I cannot live without either. He is my link to staying stable at times, He brings solace to me. A comforting hand to ease my pain. A shoulder to lean & cry upon. He is my everything, my world. There are times, I feel fearful, because I have been this way since I can remember.
Unfortunately, this is who I am. I dislike this trait immensely...... Being painfully shy & timid of the unknown, brings out "FEAR". It looms in the shadows when there are decisions one may make. I guess everyone has felt this "FEAR", but it generally subsides for them.....
I am still trying to get to that part of it subsiding.......
29, March 2020
I cried all afternoon yesterday, I watched a couple of concerts on tv from “The Eagles” last night a welcomed relief & finally went to sleep. Today I tackle the kitchen what a chore, I’m paying for not keeping things up now! Hoping to stop crying most of the day, but it’s impossible.
Will post a note to the forum to NOT keep going on about this. I would think it’s getting old about now. I care so much about these beautiful people, don’t want to wear my welcome out.
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