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A Woman in pain & Anguish

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    A Woman in pain & Anguish

    I'm numb from the head down....after the pacemaker he kept going down hill, then this last Monday 16th I get a call from a coordinator at the hodspital, said he was coming home, and Hospice would be comintg to the house to set up, we knew at some point he would come home, but I had no idea he was going to be coming home that day. No advanced notice it was being planned, I hurried to get the living room cleared to put the bed in, I'd be on the couch. They said he would leave at 8pm. then 9:30 came no word...10:30 pm came still nothing. I called hospice they said ambulance nerver showed up, I told them to keep him overnight, they called the hospital, they said NO, he was coming home no matter what.

    At 12:30 am, he arrived, the hospice nurse never showed, the EMT's put his CPAP mask on. the nurse didn't arrive with them... she finally calls 30 min. later, said she could instruct me on his meds. did I want her to come. she was 1 1/2 hrs. away.....she finally gets here, I told her I was having trouble with the mask.
    She said it was on good, & she left. after she left, he was having trouble again, the **** machine stopped, he was suffocating...I finally got it started again, but it kept doing it...called the stupid nurse again by this time it's 4 am, had to call EMT's to come fast to see if they could get the mask to fit, they could only get it a little better, nurse calls said she's on the way, the machine keeps going on & off, I'm scared. It's 5 am when she finally gets here. Stupid machine still stops & starts, she calls to have someone bring another machine & mask. He's 1 1/2 hrs. away....

    He gets here at 6:10 am, all of a sudden my husband is in terrible stress he was moving his hand like in a wavy motion like water. The nurse rushes over to him, I was at the foot of the bed, I didn't see him breathing, I screamed is he breathing, is he breathing, then she said NO....I screamed out in pain my heart just ripped out of's over.......he was home only for 6 hours.....but he did get his wish to be home, he struggled for about 5 minutes before he passed into God's hands it's 6:12 am.
    Dear God...."My God" I'm in such horrid pain...please help me!! I couldn't watch them carry him out I almost passed out.... I'm still crying out in anguish. I'll never survive. He left me no money no insurance, have very little savings, I don't know what the hell to do..... I have no one to talk to, I have no one to support me. The hospice has never called, even though they said they would for at least 10 months, they did have a pastor call, but all the time we were talking, I could hear what sounded like furniture being moved , I asked, and he said YES, he was doing other things at the same much for genuine care from him. I have to call SS to see how much I'll be getting, he was only bringing in $1,800.00 a month!!
    I haven't been here all week I just read all your kind thoughts, you don't know how much that has meant! I thank you so very much! with love & thanks Kathryn (forgive any typos)
    There are moments which mark your life, moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same. And time is divided into two parts, Before this and After this

    My heart is breaking for you.....I know I’m no help, but please know you’ll be in my heart and prayers in the days to come.
    I hope and pray you’ll be able to lean on someone during this very difficult time.
    As much love and hugs as I can send through the “air.” 💓 🤗
    💫 Star lover


      Thoughts and prayers during the most stressful and difficult time. So so terribly sorry for your loss.
      Blessed are the children of the piecemakers for they shall inherit the quilts!


        Dear Kathryn, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I wish I was with you to help you walk through this time. I want you to know that I will keep praying for you for peace and comfort. It's a scary time for you and hard to put two thoughts together. Be kind to yourself and try to get some rest and don't forget to eat. We are always here for you. Hugs, Barb

        Scottie Mom Barb


          I am sorry for your loss and sending you prayers. My deepest sympathy as you go through this difficult time.


            Yes it is hard. So much to do after a death. My income was cut in half. I can do this and so can you. It will take time to adjust. The one thing I had going is we have planned on cremation. No huge funeral expense. And only a small family gathering at the house. 3 months in and I am still trying to figure out my new life. Everyone has to do this on their own timeline. Wish I was there to hold your hand thru this


              I believe we all have the same fears of your nightmare. You are not alone. Try not to let your mind go into those dark uncontrolled places. Having no money is certainly cause for another type of worry. I don't know how old you are or what your own health situation is, but you need to find something to do to keep busy. You are on our forum so you must like to sew. When I was in some of my lowest points, I sewed and sewed and gave my spare moments to the children at Shriners Hospital. The men there were so grateful and embracing that I had little time to think about what I would do next. The women on this forum came to my rescue. Since I had no money, sewing like a maniac was not possible because I had few supplies and then...they helped me. Find something worthwhile to do and the money will level out and the time with your sewing will sooth you.
              We are here to listen...try to make your conversations positive to your own ears. Think about what a good person you are and how you have touched other peoples lives thru your own. Pretty soon, you will begin to believe all this positive stuff you are saying and then the sun will come out.
              May God be with you in your darkness and bring you into the light.
              Walk in peace with the Lord by your side.


                So sorry for your sudden and shocking loss. Prayers for you during this very difficult time. Terry is right about trying to stay positive. The Lord is a constant strength in times of trouble. Wish I could give you a hug!
                I am Sew Blessed!


                  I am just so sorry for your loss and for all you had to go through. You need support through this and you might find that right in your own community. Do you have a community FB page you are a part of or could join? That would be a good start to ask if there are support groups in your area. They could also lead you to organizations that help guide and assist you in various ways as you navigate unfamiliar waters.

                  Another option is to join an online support group - they can be very helpful to you right now as well. You could also ask friends and/or neighbors for recommendations for a compassionate, caring pastor in the area to talk with.

                  I am praying for your strength, comfort and healing as you go down this rough road. It will get better. I promise. Hugs!
                  Last edited by Suzette; March 19, 2020, 08:18 AM.
                  Courage is being scared to death, and saddling up anyway. ~John Wayne

                  Quilting is my passion . . . chocolate is a close second!


                    Dearest Kathryn,

                    You have my deepest sympathy. May God bless and keep you close.

                    I know your pain, and I would never wish it upon anyone, but it is a fact of life. You're going to go through the stages of grief in your own way and in your own time. Please know that all of us here are with you in spirit. Our prayers and support across the miles and around the world. We stand with you, our quilty sister, you are not alone.

                    Reach out here, when ever you need to. Many of us have walked that same road. We might have tidbits of information you might need. Right now, focus on you.

                    Don't try to do too much at one time because right now, your mind is numb. You won't remember doing it, or what was told to you.

                    Get yourself a cheap little journal and keep it handy. Take good notes every time you talk to someone about what needs to be done. Date it, and write down who you were talking to and their phone number so you can call them back if you need to refresh your memory or get clarification.

                    Most of all, take your time.

                    Peace and comfort, and hugs from across the miles.

                    “Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.” Maya Angelou


                    • grammaterry
                      grammaterry commented
                      Editing a comment
                      this is really good advice katrina. When we are down, our memory often betrays us.

                    Dearest Kathryn,

                    I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine your pain, grief and shock. That whole day I would rank as a traumatic experience, for which you should find local social support. We are all here to support you and hopefully you will get comfort knowing you have friends in all of us. Take your time to grieve and hopefully SS can provide assistance.

                    hugs across the miles.


                    Enjoy life and do what makes you happy. Everything else will follow.

                    Every day I try to do one thing that challenges my comfort zone.



                      I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


                        Sending you virtual hugs from the UK 🇬🇧 Keep talking 💐


                          Kathryn, I cannot even imagine the pain and loss you are going through at this time. Please know that I will be praying for you. May God keep you in His hands ... your forum friends are here whenever you need us ... take care ...


                            Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss, you have been thru so much. Please hold on to your
                            faith, God will see you thru this difficult time. Praying for you!!