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Sandy Navas
May 21st, 2012, 09:14 PM
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

Jean Sewing Machine
May 21st, 2012, 09:18 PM
Oh, my gosh, this should be part of a stand-up comedy routine! I belly laughed all the way through it! Only trouble is, I can relate completely!

Genny
May 21st, 2012, 09:29 PM
And this is why I don't go to swimming...lol...

SummerK
May 21st, 2012, 09:46 PM
I have laughed so hard I've cried, not just because of your experience, but because I go through it every year! Sandy, you're a rock star...thank you for making my night!

Bubby
May 21st, 2012, 09:53 PM
It would be funny if it wasn't the pure truth! This is precisely why I no longer own a bathing suit and go swimming in shorts and a T.

buckeyequilter
May 21st, 2012, 10:07 PM
That is so funny....but yeah I can relate too.

cherokeerose
May 21st, 2012, 10:11 PM
Thanks for the laugh, I have tears rolls down my face and my side hurts. Nothing beats a cut off jeans and a T-Shirt.

Mimis-quilts
May 21st, 2012, 10:12 PM
Hubby and I got quite the chuckle Sandy...thank you! You have such an eloquent way of telling a story! Love it!

BellasQuilts
May 21st, 2012, 10:17 PM
I laughed so hard. How true and how awful that we cannot find suits that fit us older gals! Your story was absolutely on the money and your descriptions are hillarious (loved the masking tape!). Sandy you are a gem!

Blondie
May 21st, 2012, 10:17 PM
Oh Sandy! How very astute of you to post this. In fact, just last week my DD was asking me when the last time I wore a bathing suit. I told her when I was in my 40's before my butt hit the ground (I've been dragging it around behind me ever since)

Now you know why I prefer the mountains to the beach . . .

Winniesfriend
May 21st, 2012, 10:18 PM
LOL thanks for the morning chuckle, I can so realate, so hate buying bathers


Leonie

auntiemern
May 21st, 2012, 10:22 PM
Could barely read it all thru the tears of laughter. You my friend, have truly made my day. I know how you feel though. I am somewhere in between. I have never had boobs, except for when I was nursing, and a while back when I gained a lot of weight. Now I am at the other end. I lost a lot of weight, but not in all the right places. I have the arms and lower legs of a starving bird, and the butt and midsection of a cantelope. Still have no boobs, and what I do have are not where they were 3 yrs ago. So very rarely will you see me in a swim suit. But thank you so much for giving me yet another reason to smile while reading the posts.

RFREE
May 21st, 2012, 10:27 PM
Absolutely hilarious! Puts me in mind of something my mom would say when she seen someone wearing something that didn't fit them.."Ever seen an elephant in a stroller?"

Jean Sewing Machine
May 21st, 2012, 10:33 PM
Could barely read it all thru the tears of laughter. You my friend, have truly made my day. I know how you feel though. I am somewhere in between. I have never had boobs, except for when I was nursing, and a while back when I gained a lot of weight. Now I am at the other end. I lost a lot of weight, but not in all the right places. I have the arms and lower legs of a starving bird, and the butt and midsection of a cantelope. Still have no boobs, and what I do have are not where they were 3 yrs ago. So very rarely will you see me in a swim suit. But thank you so much for giving me yet another reason to smile while reading the posts.
My mother loved to go swimming, and she never really had a problem with the fit of swim suits (unlike her daughter, who has had many "Sandy Moments" in the fitting room of the swim suit department!) But she put it in perspective for me, she said, "No matter where I swim, I can always find someone older or bulgier than me!". This gives me comfort, because what she said has proven to be true when I go!

HandsOffItsMine
May 21st, 2012, 10:43 PM
OMG, Sandy, I was laughing so hard, Kat was giving me the evil eye as I was interupting her TV watching! :P

I go throught that each year after I hit 30, where are the Esther Williams swim suits?!? Everything is flimsy, my undies have more body and structure!

Our HOA has strict guidelines for pool attire, no shorts/tshirts/coverups into the pool - my towel stays wrapped around me until I step into the pool and drop it at the edge. Grab it as soon as I get out, wrap it around me and run to my chair. hahaha! With the speed of light! :)

I think you should do a follow up piece about the lighting in dressing rooms! Who designed those anyway?

You can always make me laugh!

bkthomas
May 21st, 2012, 10:49 PM
Thank You Thank You Thank You!!! I was soooo bored! That is Priceless! Applause Applause

Slokarma
May 21st, 2012, 10:54 PM
HILARIOUS AND O SO TRUE! I've often wished I could find some of those older suits that were structured! Maybe we should start our own swimsuit line and show'em how it's done!

DCM
May 21st, 2012, 11:01 PM
That was absolutely the most hilarious thing I've ever read. I had to share your story with my mom -- she's not a quilter and isn't on this forum. I know she'll laugh every bit as hard as I did. I was always heavy as a child and haven't been in a bathing suit since I was about 10 years old -- and I grew up in Arizona -- just never went swimming. Sandy, you are so funny -- I'm sure it didn't seem funny when you were getting in and out of all of those suits but the way you described it is definitely stand up comedy material. I could almost hear Ellen telling this story at the beginning of one of her shows. Thanks for the humor -- it was really needed at the end of a long work day!!! :)

Jean Sewing Machine
May 21st, 2012, 11:08 PM
You have kept us all in stitches all evening! And I haven't been near a sewing machine in days!

CrazyMtnLady
May 21st, 2012, 11:20 PM
OMG!!!!!! I laughed so hard I was crying and snorting at the same time. I had to stop and catch my breath before I could read on.
I have 2 bathing suits, but if anyone is close by I wear a t-shirt over top!

New York Sue
May 21st, 2012, 11:31 PM
Absolutely, PRICELESS!
Reader's Digest comes to mind....

sewbizzy
May 21st, 2012, 11:50 PM
Oh my this is hilarious!!! I haven't laughed this hard for a long time...I also can sympathize with you...I haven't had a bathing suit on for years and years!!! hahaha thank you Sandy.....Carol (still laughing)

Shannon
May 22nd, 2012, 12:04 AM
OMG I'm sitting here alone on the couch giggling like a maniac! Thank you Sandy, it was a tough Monday but I feel so much better now!!

pcbatiks
May 22nd, 2012, 12:25 AM
Too funny!!!! Be there and done that !!!!!!

sewsoft
May 22nd, 2012, 12:31 AM
Sandy you are so straight forward cut the chase and tell it like it is funny. Thanks my day was not so well and I needed to smile.

EnumclawGramma
May 22nd, 2012, 12:37 AM
Sandy I think if you lived in my town you would be my BFF! You nailed my sentiments totally and you did it with such style! Bathing suits....ugh. Thank you SO much for the laugh, and please submit this to Readers Digest!

SuzyQue
May 22nd, 2012, 12:37 AM
Too funny, but yet too true! I think many of us have been there! I do know a secret, though........my favorite lingerie shop fits and sells swim wear and they are so good!!!!

lilmouse
May 22nd, 2012, 12:39 AM
been there and done that! Latest new bathing suit is still in drawer (bought 3 years ago) still has the tags on!

New York Sue
May 22nd, 2012, 12:54 AM
She would SO be my BFF!
;)

phoots
May 22nd, 2012, 01:58 AM
Sandy!!! Thank you so much!! I laughed until I cried!! My problem with buying a bathing suit is that my top is two sizes smaller than my bottom!! Until recently you couldn't buy the pieces separately!! I buy everything to fit my bottom and pray that my top doesn't come spilling out!! And, because of thyroid problems, I can never guess what size I will be this month!! Life if so much fun!!

Pam in Vegas

brook
May 22nd, 2012, 02:30 AM
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!!! :icon_rofl:

Donna F
May 22nd, 2012, 02:48 AM
I actually peed my pants laughing so hard. I know exactly what you mean. I only buy one piece bathing suits and only black. I love for the ones with bras but I never find them. I'm very top heavy with thighs to match and if it makes it up over my thighs I'm lucky. Blouses are.hard to find too. I have to get them xl and they hang off my boobs and make me look pregnant. No button up blouses here.
Seriously, you should write a book. I'm loving this post. Now off to change my pants...

KerriS
May 22nd, 2012, 03:03 AM
Uuuuh, Sandy..
You made my day.. you described it exactly how it is.. loooool

You should write books.. amazing.. I'm still laughing

mamaquilt
May 22nd, 2012, 04:42 AM
Thanks for sharing. This post was a good start for me into my day. Had to share it with DH and I'm still laughing. I think I have to save those posts in a special file.
Michèle

auntiemern
May 22nd, 2012, 04:43 AM
OMG. Laughed so hard at your response I almost did the same thing.
I actually peed my pants laughing so hard. I know exactly what you mean. I only buy one piece bathing suits and only black. I love for the ones with bras but I never find them. I'm very top heavy with thighs to match and if it makes it up over my thighs I'm lucky. Blouses are.hard to find too. I have to get them xl and they hang off my boobs and make me look pregnant. No button up blouses here.
Seriously, you should write a book. I'm loving this post. Now off to change my pants...

rebeccas-sewing
May 22nd, 2012, 05:13 AM
Wow! If someone came up with a company that made custom-made swimsuits to flatter any figure they'd make a fortune! I was thrilled when the designers came up with board shorts for women. Remember the days (probably in the late 50's early 60's) when some swimsuits were actually made out of cotton and lined? In particular, I remember seersucker fabric being used and there was actually a zipper at the back of the trunks. I can't remember if they just made two-piece or if they made them in one-piece as well.

The only time I get in a swimsuit at this point in my life is if it's in my backyard. I usually have on a stretchy, very lightweight pair of drawstring pants, somewhat see-thru but not enough to show how old my skin looks. I found them at Walmart a number of years ago. I don't know what the fabric is called but it's a cover-up for swimwear. I wear them over a one-piece. The pants don't come off when people are around.

If you can find a shorts pattern that fits, making a pair of lightweight shorts might be a good idea. I actually see women wearing men's swim trunks sometimes. If you have a figure with your weight on top and no hips those probably fit pretty well.

Sporting goods stores usually have a pretty wide selection of swimwear for surfers, etc. That's a pretty good place to look for shorts that would dry fast if you decide to actually get in the water that is!

Loved your story Sandy. Are you going on vacation or just looking for something to wear to the pool with the kids?

CrazyMtnLady
May 22nd, 2012, 09:52 AM
I woke up and the first thought I had was about your thread and how hard I laughed.

I am thinking that you need to cut and paste that story and send it off via e-mail to Ellen Degeneres, I can just see her sitting there in her red chair trying to read it to the audience and not being able to stop laughing!

Sandy Navas
May 22nd, 2012, 11:02 AM
CONFESSION TIME: The story was stolen from an e-mail. Not my actual account. Sorry for misleading everyone!

BUT, thanks for all the compliments and your personal true confessions.

brittyboo07
May 22nd, 2012, 11:08 AM
hahahaha!!!!!! you hit the nail on the head girl!!!!

Mimis-quilts
May 22nd, 2012, 01:22 PM
Ahhhh....you sneaky devil! ut I still think Ellen would have a hay-day with this!

CONFESSION TIME: The story was stolen from an e-mail. Not my actual account. Sorry for misleading everyone!

BUT, thanks for all the compliments and your personal true confessions.

Cat n bull
May 22nd, 2012, 03:15 PM
OMG I think I just ruptured something vital from laughing so hard!

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Rolling, tears are rolling, stomach hurts.

Yep, shorts and a t-shirt is the way to go!

auntiemern
May 22nd, 2012, 04:50 PM
Doesn't matter where it came from, it was to darn funny for words.

quiltingtrish
May 22nd, 2012, 06:54 PM
I wasn't going to spill the beans as my girlfriend had sent this one to me before.
It does remind me though of 4 of us in a Kmart a few years ago. We all headed to Lancaster for the annual girl-get-together and got all excited when we found out our hotel had a hottub. None of us had a bathing suit so we went to Kmart. Since it was the end of March/beginning of April - the new suits had just arrived. While 2 of us were still looking through the racks laughing at what they looked like on the hanger and we were imagining what they would look like on us - we could hear the other 2 across the store in the dressing room laughing hysterically after they had actually put on a suit. Before long - about the entire store was laughing because you didn't just hear laughter - but also the comments that went with it about how each body part was NOT fitting into the suits. I am laughing while sitting here remembering it all. If I remember correctly, I believe we all bought new underwear that evening also.

Hugs,

MRoy
May 22nd, 2012, 08:44 PM
Just saw this and got a good laugh! I can totally relate. I'm also a member of the cutoffs and T-shirt set...if I go swimming at all!

Ginny B
May 23rd, 2012, 10:25 PM
Oh my gosh. I've been sitting here catching up on things since I've not been here for over a week and found this thread and it just made me role with laughter. Sandy, you have captured the experience of looking for a bathing suit perfectly! Thanks for the good laugh.

Ginny B

janluna
May 24th, 2012, 02:10 AM
I solved this problem. We put in an above ground pool that is 6 foot deep in the center. We have aprox. 8 acres. The pool is out back, surrounded by wooden decks. I swim at night, in pitch dark,
no moon, in the nude!! All by myself. Love it!!!! I wear bathing suits with huge t-shirts if we have friends and/or family over and it's daylight. Works for me.
Sandy, Joe and I had a great time laughing at your your story. It was funny!!!! Love you Sweetie. Hugs, Jan L.