March 21st, 2012, 11:05 PM
I just found out that my only Brother has a brain tumor. My Mother called me today and told me this and my brother has known for 3 weeks. Now my brother and I have never been close and he hates me I do know this, but for him to tell my Mother this and walk away and not tell her more than there will be no cutting on his head that the Dr. will do radiation. He did not tell my Daddy and my Mother hadn't told him yet she is just trying to figure it out herself. Now my brother has lived with my Mother and Daddy for all of his life so far and has not paid a day of rent or anything like that. He has worked for the same company for 30 years and has not saved a dime.....I figure he has health ins. with this company and some other benefits but.....can he cover all this medical and or if things don't go good does he have anything that will cover a (God forbid) furnneral.

Now the thing is my Mother is 82 and my Daddy is 83.. Daddy is in good health for his age..but my Mama is not..how can they deal with this at their age, and I am here in CA and they are in Brighton, CO..not just a quick drive there. I figure my brother is scared and all that because most would be. But he is an A...H....and isn't a friendly social guy. Hates all family that comes to visit and hides in his room. He tried to kill me 2 times in the past that is one of the reasons I left home after H.S. Grad in 1971 at the age of 16. And never went to the house with out Mother or Daddy being there.

I do love my brother but I do not respect him for his life choices...I am crying now because of what he is going through even if he wouldn't feel the same about me or Mother and Daddy. when I went home when my Mother had a major health issue I got to CO and here is my mother who had just got out of the hospital that day doing his laundry because he was out of pants and stuff. HE COULDN"T EVEN WASH HIS OWN DRITY Underware!!! I told Mother to go lay down and I would do it.....

I was soooo P........Off at him. Mother almost died!!!!

I am really worried about my Mama and Daddy right now that my heart is hurting like crazy.. what am I to do???

Please help me to figure this one out..

Jan G

March 21st, 2012, 11:39 PM
Oh Jan - YOU are the better person even if you just did his underwear at that time. You cannot change him, that's for sure. You are crying because you do care, even though you hate him. You don't have to love him just cause he is family. And he is hurting your parents and that hurts you too. I don't know what to tell you, advice wise, but I can pray for you and your parents. And him too that he can see what this is doing to all who know him.


March 21st, 2012, 11:42 PM
Jan, what a burden for you! I know how worried you are for your parents. Generally when there is a huge medical issue like this, the behaviors that were established before don't just go away with this type of diagnosis. Those old tapes continue to play. Is there something you would like (or want) to do? Sometimes there is nothing we can do to make things better, except pray. My Dear and Wise Auntie used to say "when in doubt about something, do nothing. It will become clear what to do in time". So please accept this electronic hug for you! You'll figure it out and will know what to do when the time is right......

Sasha Anzures
March 21st, 2012, 11:56 PM
ok im not makeing any excuses for you brother. my wastrel of a brother lives with my parents and sounds just like your brother. my parents keep saying that he is not all there in the head that he is missing something so they wont make him get out. i just say they are enableing him. he is very able to do everythhing. he just wont. BUT... maybe your brother might have had the tumor all along? i don't know anything about them so im just hypothisizing??? i don't know. but i do wish you all the best and will be praying for all of you!!!

Sandy Navas
March 22nd, 2012, 12:04 AM
Jan, all I can offer right now is a boatload of prayers for you and for your Mom and Dad, as well as for your brother. I just posted on Meli's thread and I'm scraping the bottom right now wondering WHY? WHY? WHY? I'm sending special prayers for YOU, for your Mom and Dad, and for your Brother . . . Ours is not to question why . . . .

March 22nd, 2012, 12:51 AM
Thank you all and know that I love you all. Thanks for helping me to be more grounded, because right now I am just going from one end of the spectrum to the other. I love my brother no mater what but he just P...me off because that is the way he is and I don't know why.

We all have sooo much on our plates right now with all the good and bad (need a better word) things going on right now. Too many burdens going on for all of us. It is nice to hear of all of the blessings of new babies here or are coming that helps to lighten the load.

God bless you all my friends. I am going to lay down and hope for a brighter and lighter tomorrow. Thank you and forgive me for being a downer, I am just stressed out right now.

Thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes.
me Jan G

March 22nd, 2012, 12:54 AM
Jan, sweetie, we'll all pray for your brother, your Mother and Daddy...and especially for you!!! If your brother doesn't like you, that's his loss. You need to look after yourself and make sure your Mother and Daddy are okay. I don't know you, Jan, but I love you! I know you'll get through this!

Pam in Vegas

March 22nd, 2012, 01:18 AM
Jan, sounds like this play has been running a long time and you are not going to change the script now. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink, so just be sure you understand what you have "power" over (generally only yourself) and the rest you have to just pray about but don't wrap yourself around the axle about it. It will do you and your folks no good. Calmness and focus and "doing nothing until the time is right" as meemeecyn said, would be my advice. The relationship between your parents and your brother is quite different than their relationship with you. For some reason they have allowed this and you may never understand why. Sometimes we aren't supposed to know. Trust your heart, be patient and you will find the way.

March 22nd, 2012, 01:38 AM
Oh Jan, what a difficult situation for you. I don't know what advice to give you. Sending special prayers for you, your parents and your brother.

March 22nd, 2012, 01:48 AM
Jan, thinking of you and crying for you too. Hugs, Tina

March 22nd, 2012, 02:32 AM
Jan, I am so sorry for all you are going through. I can tell your heart is breaking for your parents. May the peace of God that passes all understanding be yours in abundance!

Jean Sewing Machine
March 22nd, 2012, 05:13 AM
I add my prayers for you and your family to the others, and hope you can feel lifted by them. And may God show the way for you to know how to respond to all in this situation. My husband had a brain tumor, so I went down that road with him and it wasn't an easy road to travel. May God be with all of you.

March 22nd, 2012, 06:31 AM
You need to take it one day at a time, Jan. Thinking about the worst-case scenario doesn't accomplish anything. It causes stress, and we all know that's really bad for one's health. It will work itself out. Try to see that glass half full even if the situation seems bleak. Fortunately, your parents are not responsible for your brother, financially. For example, any hospital bills he accrues are his problem, not there's. If he goes bankrupt because of it, it's his problem not theirs. If he dies he can be cremated. Who says there has to be a funeral? if there's no money for a funeral the city in which he lives would certainly have to bury him. If your parents insist he have a funeral they can always pay for it with a credit card. If your brother has to go into a nursing home because your parents can't manage his illness that will work out as well. Don't worry about the finances. As to your parents, they've made it to their 80's. I'm sure in 80 years they've faced problems before. It's all going to work out so don't worry. Try to stay calm. Keep busy and focus your energy on things that keep you sane. QUILT, QUILT, QUILT!!! Stay well, my dear. We're all thinking about you, praying for you and here to lend an ear.

March 22nd, 2012, 06:40 AM
We have a proverb here in Luxembourg, You can choose your friends, but never your family.

Keep your head up, do one thing at a time and let time help you. Your parents, although of high age, still are able to help one another. They looked after your brother all his life and sort of made him what he is today. I'm sure they can handle him. As for you being far away save all your energy for an emergency and just keep busy.

I'll think of you and if you need too write all your worries down, just do so here in the forum. I bet there is always one or the other online.


March 22nd, 2012, 07:06 AM
Brain tumors stink. Elderly parents taking care of a grown man/child for 30 years stink. Unhealthy sibling relationships stink. Feeling guilt, anger, and helpless over the entirety of the situation is not surprising when you consider all involved. Family dynamics suck.

I am praying for you right this moment Jan.

March 22nd, 2012, 07:28 AM
Jan, my heart hurts for you. Blondie is right, this all stinks, and there is really nothing you can do about it, except pray. Be a support for your parents when they need it, and for your brother, too, when that time comes. Other than that, leave it in God's hands. That's the best place to leave all our burdens and worries. I'll be praying for you and your family.

March 22nd, 2012, 08:06 AM
Jan, I'm praying for you and your family. Take it one day at a time. I agree with Blondie that family dynamics are tough, but we have to trust God to be there and show us the way.

March 22nd, 2012, 09:04 AM
Jan, I'm so terribly sorry this is happening. Take some time to be quiet and ask God to lead and guide you in the way you should walk through this situation. Try to support your parents as much as you can. As far as your brother is concerned....you can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with you. Just do your best to be there for your parents and your brother, if he should realize he needs family at a time like this. My prayers are with you and your family. (((()))) Barb

March 22nd, 2012, 12:05 PM
Jan, please know that my prayers are being added to all the others. Dealing with such family issues is a burden even in families that get along great. Do not feel you are a downer here. Everyone needs others to talk too and help them get through their tough times.
Just let your parents know you are there for them. Maybe your brother will come around as he deals with his problem. Sometimes a major health scare is all it takes to make one see the error of their ways.

God bless you.

March 22nd, 2012, 12:22 PM
Sorry you have to deal with this. prayers for you and family.

Is it possible for you to contact the agency for older adults in co. to see if there is any help/support available for your parents during this? There might be something out there to help them even though your brother wouldn't qualify.

March 22nd, 2012, 02:12 PM
Thank you my dear friends for letting me rant and rave last night here, and thanks to my DH for letting rant and rave and then cry last night too. I feel much better today because of the letting off of steam last night. I get angry at my brother Harry and to just have an steam off session I feel better always have, it does me no good to hold it in cus it won't change a thing with him. I will just pray for him and my parents. My parents have a very strong faith base and a lot of support from their church and others. So there will be a lot of help coming from there. Praise The Lord.

So what ever happens my Mother and Daddy has God and all their prayer Brothers and Sisters to them rapped in His arms and love.

Thank you all sooooo much, I am going sew today that has always been my therapy :) so I am better this A.M. thanks to all of you and God.

Love and hugs to all of you and prayers for those in need and just in general for all.

God Bless and keep you all
Jan G

March 22nd, 2012, 03:35 PM
I'll be praying for your brother, Mom and Dad and for you too. Love you Jan. Hugs, Jan L.