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View Full Version : Have you ever heard of Gaslighting?



Hulamoon
July 20th, 2018, 01:14 AM
I keeping hearing it on the news about the potus, so I looked up the meaning. I suddenly realized that is what my stepdd and youngest dd are doing. I just read a really good article explaining how you can become a victim buy even the closet people to you that don't even know they are doing it to you.

For those of you going thru family drama or something with a friend you should read up on it.

Vonnie
July 20th, 2018, 07:56 AM
Sorry your kids are putting you through this. I never realized that this behavior had a name. What an odd name, bet it's the name of the person who named it!

Now that you know this, what action are you going to take?

auntstuff
July 20th, 2018, 08:50 AM
The term comes from the flickering shadows created by the old gaslights, when they were used for streetlights.

Suzette
July 20th, 2018, 09:01 AM
I learned that term many years ago when I watched the old film Gaslight with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.

Sorry you are having a tough row to hoe these days. Praying things get better for you soon.

Carlie Wolf
July 20th, 2018, 11:04 AM
Gaslight was one of my favorite movies, watched it years ago and it stuck in my mind. I would think that we could still access it now on the internet somewhere. I'll have to check. I came from a very dysfunctional family, I saw it in my late teens and thought OMG I know what that is! I suppose, basically, it's where someone you should be able to trust continually tells you that what you see, what you hear isn't really there and it's all in your head, usually to meet their own agenda. Very insidious method of dealing and controlling people.

I'm sorry you are going through this Lori.

PS: ok I found it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpuUxeZDG4c

tsladaritz
July 20th, 2018, 11:52 AM
I keeping hearing it on the news about the potus, so I looked up the meaning. I suddenly realized that is what my stepdd and youngest dd are doing. I just read a really good article explaining how you can become a victim buy even the closet people to you that don't even know they are doing it to you.

For those of you going thru family drama or something with a friend you should read up on it.

I am so sorry your family is experiencing this. my mom was on a slow slide down this path. when she had dementia she was extremely good at being manipulative. But the sad part is her story changed daily because she could not keep things straight. But it became extremely difficult to take her out in public for those reasons. She made it sound like the rest of us were losing our minds, she was right, we were dumb. If that did not work then she went the route of we were rude, mean, abusive, stealing, whatever seh could to gain sympathy of the others around and make it all about poor her. I quit going in public with her and left her to her beloved Dr. She would never question him even when the side effects of her drugs were making her more loopy. It is hard to go through this with a dementia person. I can only imagine how tough it must be with someone who has all their marbles.

tsladaritz
July 20th, 2018, 11:56 AM
Gaslight was one of my favorite movies, watched it years ago and it stuck in my mind. I would think that we could still access it now on the internet somewhere. I'll have to check. I came from a very dysfunctional family, I saw it in my late teens and thought OMG I know what that is! I suppose, basically, it's where someone you should be able to trust continually tells you that what you see, what you hear isn't really there and it's all in your head, usually to meet their own agenda. Very insidious method of dealing and controlling people.

I'm sorry you are going through this Lori.

PS: ok I found it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpuUxeZDG4c

I never realized it until I was well into adulthood! My sisters both told me she had always been manipulative and she learned some of it from her own mother. But grandma's was not to control people, it was to be vindictive if she felt you were trying to wrong her. Mothers was plain manipulation to suit her, just like the description.

It was horrible when I married and became "independent". She would try to manipulate us to do things or interfere with things and I would refuse to fall into the games. I can't say my mil was not manipulative in her own ways but it was not to this extent.

Hulamoon
July 20th, 2018, 12:20 PM
I love that movie too, very creepy though. Another strange name for behavior is cat fishing. I thought what the heck is that? I think in the age of Facebook and other social platforms people will get caught up in that nightmare. As for me I'm going to keep strong before my youngest dd puts me in a home to take over my home if you get what I mean. lol Her tactic is that I'm old and can't take care of myself. Actually her agenda is to move in here with her boyfriend to save money and build a house on the backside of the property. Umm no.

Carlie Wolf
July 20th, 2018, 01:01 PM
Lori, I wonder about some kids. They seem to think putting Mom in a home will solve everything for them and they gain everything. My understanding is that when put into a nursing home, the nursing home goes after any assets you may have. I could be wrong but my thinking is we work our whole lives...house, savings, pensions etc and at our death it's passed on as an estate for our children (or who we name). It seems not anymore...the government or health care system gets it all.

Ive never heard of catfishing. I'm trying to wrap my mind around that one.

auntstuff
July 20th, 2018, 01:12 PM
Lori, I wonder about some kids. They seem to think putting Mom in a home will solve everything for them and they gain everything. My understanding is that when put into a nursing home, the nursing home goes after any assets you may have. I could be wrong but my thinking is we work our whole lives...house, savings, pensions etc and at our death it's passed on as an estate for our children (or who we name). It seems not anymore...the government or health care system gets it all.

Ive never heard of catfishing. I'm trying to wrap my mind around that one.

Heehee, have you not ever gone fishing for catfish?

Hulamoon
July 20th, 2018, 01:28 PM
Lori, I wonder about some kids. They seem to think putting Mom in a home will solve everything for them and they gain everything. My understanding is that when put into a nursing home, the nursing home goes after any assets you may have. I could be wrong but my thinking is we work our whole lives...house, savings, pensions etc and at our death it's passed on as an estate for our children (or who we name). It seems not anymore...the government or health care system gets it all.

Ive never heard of catfishing. I'm trying to wrap my mind around that one.

She's not really trying to put me into a home, just trying her best to wrangle her way in here to get the property before I'm flatlined. lol Cat fishing is where someone assumes an identity between two parties to think they are talking to each other. One example is to set up a date after lots of online or texting talking. I saw a story on Dateline of a famous basketball player who got caught up in one. The two parties where quite confused. It ended up being cooked up by a girl just bored at home. The scheme can be really elaborate. You have to know how to hack stuff. There is a movie called Catfish, but haven't seen it yet.

bakermom
July 20th, 2018, 04:32 PM
I wasn't aware of the term until recently. Then a lightbulb went on. It described perfectly how I was treated by my inlaws. Nothing was ever their fault, always mine for "misinterperting".

Hulamoon
July 20th, 2018, 04:58 PM
I wasn't aware of the term until recently. Then a lightbulb went on. It described perfectly how I was treated by my inlaws. Nothing was ever their fault, always mine for "misinterperting".

Yes, it's not always someone that is making you thinking your crazy. Mine is making me feel old and I need help. I'm only sixty. Both my grandmothers lived into their nineties. They would never have put up with this crap. But in those days people didn't do this. If they did now sadly there are names for it.

Carlie Wolf
July 20th, 2018, 09:23 PM
I was remembering that their use to be a station that played old movies from around 3 to 4 or so. It was right after school so I just loved to watch them. That's when I had watched Gaslight. But there were others that I thought were memorable and I really enjoyed. Dark Victory with Betty Davis, Snakepit with Olivia DeHavilland, Enchanted Cottage with Robert Young. Full length versions can still be found on utube.

Carolnnc
July 20th, 2018, 09:55 PM
I'm sorry for what you are going through. Life is hard enough & then we get to suffer at the hands of people who should love us.

My mother's picture is probably beside the dictionary definition of gas lighting.

auntstuff
July 21st, 2018, 07:57 AM
I was remembering that their use to be a station that played old movies from around 3 to 4 or so. It was right after school so I just loved to watch them. That's when I had watched Gaslight. But there were others that I thought were memorable and I really enjoyed. Dark Victory with Betty Davis, Snakepit with Olivia DeHavilland, Enchanted Cottage with Robert Young. Full length versions can still be found on utube.

You can still get many of them on dvd as well.

SuzanneOrleansOntario
July 21st, 2018, 08:58 AM
Whoa. I had to look this up. That is pretty scary. I guess I have only known very manipulative people, my ex for one. Maybe not as extreme but he used this behaviour on some of his siblings and social circle. Poor him. Luckily I escaped that trap before I got engulfed in it.

tsladaritz
July 21st, 2018, 07:04 PM
I love that movie too, very creepy though. Another strange name for behavior is cat fishing. I thought what the heck is that? I think in the age of Facebook and other social platforms people will get caught up in that nightmare. As for me I'm going to keep strong before my youngest dd puts me in a home to take over my home if you get what I mean. lol Her tactic is that I'm old and can't take care of myself. Actually her agenda is to move in here with her boyfriend to save money and build a house on the backside of the property. Umm no.

Hang in there!! We never put mine in a place until the very end because there was absolutely no choice. Grandma could not walk, could not see or hear very much and had enough strokes she was losing it. Her last 3 months were not good for any of us. Mother went into hospice as she got sick and went into the hospital then there. But her last 11 years she had dementia and well...I told you a little of it earlier. But she lived on her own all those years by her choice.

tsladaritz
July 21st, 2018, 07:06 PM
Lori, I wonder about some kids. They seem to think putting Mom in a home will solve everything for them and they gain everything. My understanding is that when put into a nursing home, the nursing home goes after any assets you may have. I could be wrong but my thinking is we work our whole lives...house, savings, pensions etc and at our death it's passed on as an estate for our children (or who we name). It seems not anymore...the government or health care system gets it all.

Ive never heard of catfishing. I'm trying to wrap my mind around that one.

Bills have to be paid. Nursing facility are very expensive!! Mine old people did not have much money and I signed papers saying I was not responsible for their bills. They got gov assistance in form of VA from dad and granddad being in army. But you have to ask questions, research and know what to do in these cases.

tsladaritz
July 21st, 2018, 07:08 PM
She's not really trying to put me into a home, just trying her best to wrangle her way in here to get the property before I'm flatlined. lol Cat fishing is where someone assumes an identity between two parties to think they are talking to each other. One example is to set up a date after lots of online or texting talking. I saw a story on Dateline of a famous basketball player who got caught up in one. The two parties where quite confused. It ended up being cooked up by a girl just bored at home. The scheme can be really elaborate. You have to know how to hack stuff. There is a movie called Catfish, but haven't seen it yet.

Their was a reality weekly show about it. I saw a couple of episodes to see what it was about. Exactly that ^ Someone bored at home. And it is incredibly easy. Not much hacking involved for this tech savy generation.

RockinLou
July 22nd, 2018, 10:13 AM
My mother is really good at this... my sisters and I have banded together to deal with it though, ten years ago we agreed to never believe a word she says about us to each other, and to straight up call each other and ask for the truth. She’s still manipulative and tries to be the martyr but mostly we are just really good at ignoring her. Without my sisters and I on the same page of sanity, I’m sure she’d still be at it. Dad falls for her crap though, I feel bad for him.

Midge
July 22nd, 2018, 01:09 PM
Yes, it's not always someone that is making you thinking your crazy. Mine is making me feel old and I need help. I'm only sixty. Both my grandmothers lived into their nineties. They would never have put up with this crap. But in those days people didn't do this. If they did now sadly there are names for it.

Lorie, of course people have always done this to one another. There is nothing new under the sun, and there are no 'good old days'. Have you seen the movie 'Gaslight' where this slang term came from? It was made in the 1940s.

GuitarGramma
July 22nd, 2018, 02:50 PM
Lorie, do you yet know whether you have to share ownership of the house with the for children?

Hulamoon
July 22nd, 2018, 03:44 PM
Midge I did see it and thought is was creepy!

Yes Toni , he didn't make a will, only left accounts to the kids. He went to a lawyer but it was only for advice. I'm on the mortgage so I don't think he could of done that. The problem is my step dd.Before he died she came over and was saying I hope you leave us something and now saying I don't care about her and her four kids. Don't know where that came from. My youngest looks up to her so much and is starting and always did talk like her. Sassy, pushy,mean and rude. And she want's to move in with me? I'd rather have a homeless mother with a kid to share my home with.

GuitarGramma
July 22nd, 2018, 04:37 PM
What heartache from these kids you have loved for years. I'm relieved and glad to know you have the house, and you're certainly right to be worried about who wants to move in.