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Hulamoon
March 29th, 2018, 08:19 PM
Tent man (aka DH) pulled a War Of The Roses. He split the house in half by putting up a wall though the hallway. He took three bedrooms and two baths and seven closets (all). I was most mad at the closets. lol He does't own anything. I left him a bed and a shower curtain.

I know most of you said to file, but I have no childhood family and my kids live here so I'm sorta stuck. I did get the better half. Kitchen, laundry room and huge covered porch front to the street and oh yea all the windows and sun instead of the back. I still have a full bath.That's a good thing.

Anyway, I found out he is sick and has to go for a liver biopsy next tues. I knew something was going on and he finally spilled it. I don't want to put the kids though a divorce right now. It would be cruel.

Well that's my news that has happened this year. Haven't stitched in two. Thought I would throw that in since it's a sewing forum. lol

.

grammaterry
March 29th, 2018, 08:33 PM
Ah Lori, so sad...we loved them once so we can't really stop that part, we just fall out of like. Sorry he is sick but don't let that play too hard on your sympathy...take care of your own mental state.

Carlie Wolf
March 29th, 2018, 08:54 PM
What's going to prevent him from taking another part next week?

auntstuff
March 29th, 2018, 09:12 PM
That would be about all the mental abuse I could put up with. And yes, that IS what it is.

cv quilter
March 29th, 2018, 09:29 PM
Lorie,, I'm blown away and without helping words. Truly sorry for you and for your situation. And for your DH.

Angelia
March 29th, 2018, 09:34 PM
I'm sorry you have to go through this--I'm thinking a divorce would be easier for your kids (and for you) than watching him do this to you. (Only my opinion--I know that situations are much more complex than they may appear.)

JCY
March 29th, 2018, 09:49 PM
So sorry. May God give you strength for each day.

DeniseSm
March 29th, 2018, 10:33 PM
If your spouse runs up a huge medical bill, they can come after you for all of it. If your ex runs up a huge medical bill, you don't owe a dime.

You need to see an attorneyright now Stop fooling around and take care of yourself

Hulamoon
March 29th, 2018, 10:49 PM
If your spouse runs up a huge medical bill, they can come after you for all of it. If your ex runs up a huge medical bill, you don't owe a dime.

You need to see an attorneyright now Stop fooling around and take care of yourself

I was thinking of that and talked to my step dd about that (very supportive) when some one dies you are responsible for all the bills. When my auntie passed (last member of my family) I had to pay for every thing, but she gifted me with her house in Calif and I'm renting it out. He is super pissed about that.

He's been out there for 7 1/2 years. He can live here, but yea, I need to get out of the marriage thing. Thanks :)

KarenC
March 29th, 2018, 10:53 PM
Praying for you. I would think pretty hard about Denise's message. When I went through my "D", the attorney said assets were determined on the day we filed or he moved out. Rules are different from state to state. You have dealt with more than I could handle. Bless you.

SuzanneOrleansOntario
March 29th, 2018, 11:03 PM
All great advice. Go, Run to a lawyer. You need to protect what you have, at all costs. Try to be civil, as you do have kids, and this can be difficult for them.
I find it funny that he would physically slit the house, but that does happen. My friend tells of a house on Prince Edward Island that would chain sawed in half. The husband was upset that the judge ordered hi to give his wife half the house and all they owned. When she was at work, he took a chair saw to all the furniture, everything, including the house. Since he lived in the country the neighbours did not see to call the cops. It was a court case for years. The house was eventually thorn down, and neither had anything in the end.

Divorce can be bitter, but sometimes unavoidable. Sending you strength, patience and courage to go through this.

201 Treadler
March 29th, 2018, 11:32 PM
gosh building control would be quite upset over here, if did those changes without consultation , the insurance company may not cover you now. perhaps this house conversion may give you ' listed reason' for speedy divorce with the judge, (mentally insane springs to mind). sending virtual hugs cuppas and other much needed beverage.

MaggieSue
March 29th, 2018, 11:51 PM
I whole heartily agree with Denise. Please think about protecting yourself, mentally, emotionally, and financially!

Heather
March 29th, 2018, 11:52 PM
Wow. Just wow. Good luck Lorie, I hope you get that attorney soon. The kids will survive.

jjkaiser
March 30th, 2018, 12:05 AM
Oh Lorie I always thought your relationship with your almost-ex was pretty crazy but this proves it. I think you are a saint for allowing him the slack to get away with this because you know he has medical issues. You are gonna get advice from all over. Go with your gut, do what you think is best for your family, and good luck.

quilt_gems_25
March 30th, 2018, 12:15 AM
So sorry to hear you are going through so much. Like the others say, take care of yourself.

Bubby
March 30th, 2018, 08:16 AM
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Lorie. You will know in your heart how to proceed. Please take care of yourself in all regards.

KPH
March 30th, 2018, 08:35 AM
Lorie, it breaks my heart that you're having to face all of this. I think I would talk to the kids about the generalities. They've probably got everything figured out already. Then proceed to protect you and yours.

Monique
March 30th, 2018, 08:50 AM
Lorie I just can't imagine!!

Protect YOURSELF at all cost. And your children are not babies, they know what is happening.

Thoughts and prayers are with you as you 'deal' with this situation.

Suzette
March 30th, 2018, 09:31 AM
Praying for you and this situation. Hugs.

SuzanneOrleansOntario
March 30th, 2018, 09:37 AM
Praying for you. I would think pretty hard about Denise's message. When I went through my "D", the attorney said assets were determined on the day we filed or he moved out. Rules are different from state to state. You have dealt with more than I could handle. Bless you.

Karen, that is so true. On my province, assets are determined on a mutually set date. However, if either spouse has gone on spending spree 6-12 months beforehand, these can be excluded from the asset day and taken from the share owed to he spending partner. My ex had a face lift and a lot of cosmetic procedures. 6-8 months before we filed. I was able to put this to my side of balance sheet. After 10 years of cosmetic medical procedures, I had enough of 30 years of OCD vanity killing the marriage. He was 50 at the time. When I lawyered up, his face literally dropped. He is still not happy with his appearance, 15 years later. I see evidence of that. So sad, I want to age with inner beauty.

Take care of yourself, carve yourself the life you deserve and didn't have while married.

LLLinda
March 30th, 2018, 09:38 AM
LORIE, don't let him use the medical issue to sway you. He can get help from other people and places. That is just another way to try to keep you under his control. Get a move on girl! We're all with you.:icon_tup:

MRoy
March 30th, 2018, 11:09 AM
Lorie, I'm sorry this has happened to you but you've got to protect yourself. Prayers!

Hulamoon
March 30th, 2018, 11:55 AM
Thanks everyone for your support and hugs. My family doesn't think there is anything is wrong with this. They are just helping out dad. My sil (stepdd's dh) said he would try to talk him into putting the wall up past the hallway closet and I said that would be great! Well all the people helping had girlfriends, kids, people stopping by. They were sitting in beach chairs drinking beers and having a great ole time while I'm sitting here watching it from my deck. I left the house and went down to the park for awhile and when I got back one of my dd's said the wall is up.

They put it up flush to the entryway. I was fuming and in front of everyone I called him a f*cking a**hole and yelled 'you left for 8 years, you can't just do anything you want and I want that divorce'. All I got was my three dd's coming in to console me. Normal isn't it?

As for legalities the wall is just plywood and can be taken down anytime. What he did do is take down a rotten deck on the side of the master bed room that has a sliding glass door. No big deal, but he never replaced it with steps. Then he took out the back window and put a sliding door with a covered deck on that side. So now there is a room with two sliding doors.

We never got a final inspection on this house. That's what I'm worried about. I have a $$$ sign halo spinning around my head right now. lol

auntstuff
March 30th, 2018, 12:49 PM
Keep being a doormat and it can only get worse.

laura44
March 30th, 2018, 01:06 PM
I'm sorry you have to go thru this. Please get some legal advice
so you are protected legally, financially, and emotionally.
We are all here for you. Don't let yourself be walked over.

LauraP
March 30th, 2018, 01:43 PM
He has children, right? Guess who gets to inherit dear old Dad! I hope they enjoy their inheritance. You've put in your time with him.
I put off getting a divorce "for the kids sake". Come to find out, the kids were hoping we would split. Who knew!

201 Treadler
March 30th, 2018, 01:51 PM
While realise you do not want to upset the kids, and the fact the family think its normal to section off, whether it be wood, stone or what ever. the fact they think its normal shows they are being affected from / by his behaviour.
hope taken pictures.
you may need a restraining order and police to visit to see what he's done, this action needs to be legally logged.
it is a form of bullying, perhaps trying to get you out.

we assume as wife 50 percent of the home is yours, it is not right to start splitting the home, making physical barriers, , yes get a lawyer opinion on what is best for you asap,

Please ensure your own safety first, makes me shudder to think what is planning next.
(perhaps been watching to many crime programmes or reading to many crime mysteries.)
virtual hugs

Hulamoon
March 30th, 2018, 01:56 PM
Keep being a doormat and it can only get worse.

I didn't start this thread to complain, only to update old friends. I can take care of myself, just waiting it out a bit longer. I only talk to him about twice a month, just more recently because of this new situation. I'm not going to be an Uber for doctors appointments or groceries, he's got four kids for that, two are my stepkids that I knew since ages 4 and 5. I'm still in a family and I don't want to hurt any of them by a divorce if he is about to croak.

I should of done this 10 years ago and that's my fault for being scared. But I'm not a doormat.

geegeequilts
March 30th, 2018, 02:06 PM
Wow, Lorie what a mess for you. First of all, take a deep breath & make that call to a lawyer. You need to know right away what legal steps YOU can take to protect yourself. Getting the "official' legal process going should help you feel better. Try not to worry about his medical problems...he doesn't seem to care about the state of yours. Please contact that lawyer soon. That will give you some breathing room & a chance to regroup your yourself.

As usual you aren't completely alone. Moral support you got & prayers for you in abundance from your friends here.

Gina

chelea
March 30th, 2018, 03:05 PM
It can't hurt to talk to a lawyer...you don't necessarily need to take any action, just get some objective advice so you're fully informed about your choices.

Hulamoon
March 30th, 2018, 03:27 PM
It can't hurt to talk to a lawyer...you don't necessarily need to take any action, just get some objective advice so you're fully informed about your choices.

That's what I was thinking too. The thing about this, that's not really the house but we have have two acres in Hawaii that we pretty much got for a steal 30 yrs ago. You can google that what that's worth. I don't want to make any mistakes. Our relationship came down to money, but it really started with when my mom passed and then my dad and uncle and finally my aunt. He wanted me to pay for everything. I guess I was becoming a doormat. I stopped giving him sex, doing his laundry etc. I think the laundry really pissed him off. lol So the mat got trashed and the tent came up. So much for communication.

I'm glad I don't have to pay for everyone's advice, I would be broke. lol

mommadeb
March 30th, 2018, 04:54 PM
Wow-just wow! Good luck with whatever you end up doing.

Carlie Wolf
March 30th, 2018, 05:02 PM
"Our relationship came down to money, but it really started with when my mom passed and then my dad and uncle and finally my aunt. He wanted me to pay for everything. I guess I was becoming a doormat. I stopped giving him sex, doing his laundry etc. "


Lori,

I hear you on this. Pretty much where I was at and it went down hill from there. I guess we all get to a certain point where we say enough is enough, and that varies by individual. Unfortunatly I have a very high pain tolerance.

My wakeup point was where one day I was walking down one of the forest pathways and suddenly I saw myself in my mind laying on the ground having a heart attack, he was standing there watching me and just waiting for me to die, doing nothing, just watching for the last breath. The waking dream made very clear what the future had in store for me and I immediately knew that no, I wasn't willing to die for him and his antics.

I went to a lawyer within that week for a consultation. It costs nothing for a consultation and you learn a lot. I wrote down joint property, etc and things I thought pertinent before I went to him. It gave me the opportunity to see if I felt this guy could handle things the way I wanted. You can do this with more than one attorney. I lucked out with this one and didn't have to look further. I let him know that my finances were very limited, I wanted as little hassle as possible and I wanted results quickly. In the end I was happy with my lawyer, no complaints about the cost. I was able to keep away from the emotional hassle and he made sure he was front and center, and able to limit the amount of manipulations my ex resorted to.

I really wish you all the luck in heaven and earth with this and you're in my prayers.

sewbizzy
March 30th, 2018, 05:15 PM
Sending prayers to help you deal with this...it sounds like you are a strong lady...you have been putting up with so much....

auntstuff
March 30th, 2018, 05:38 PM
Sending prayers to help you deal with this...it sounds like you are a strong lady...you have been putting up with so much....

The problem is that "putting up with it" is so much easier than actually DOING something about it. Been there. Done that. Got the farm.

Hulamoon
March 30th, 2018, 05:59 PM
The problem is that "putting up with it" is so much easier than actually DOING something about it. Been there. Done that. Got the farm.

Everybody's story is different. I'm sorry you had such a hard one and got through it.

LauraP
March 30th, 2018, 11:38 PM
It's easy for us to suggest what you should do but we all realize that you have to live with yourself. Those of us who have gone through it know how hard it is to take that first step, but I think we would all agree in the long run it was the right thing to do. Hope you find a solution you can live with.
PLEASE take this as the joke it is....A little rat poison solves all sorts of troubles with little vermin:D

pcbatiks
March 31st, 2018, 01:33 AM
Thinking of you, Lorie.

Hulamoon
March 31st, 2018, 03:50 AM
Thinking of you, Lorie.

Thanks :) I was thinking of you yesterday. I found the book you sent me and said oh that's where it went. lol The forgotten things you find when your cleaning up! Iv'e collected more batiks since then so I'm happy it showed up!

Suzette
March 31st, 2018, 08:56 AM
Keep being a doormat and it can only get worse.

This is not supportive or helpful. Let's be good, uplifting friends in her time of need. She doesn't need this here.

LLLinda
March 31st, 2018, 10:31 AM
I think I understand what Auntstuff was doing. Tough love sometimes seems too strong but it can also let people see their problem in a different light. Being blunt is not always a bad thing.

auntstuff
March 31st, 2018, 10:32 AM
This is not supportive or helpful. Let's be good, uplifting friends in her time of need. She doesn't need this here.

Its helpful if it gets her to think about helping herself, which is how its intended. Preaching at each other is even LESS helpful, right?

auntstuff
March 31st, 2018, 10:33 AM
I think I understand what Auntstuff was doing. Tough love sometimes seems too strong but it can also let people see their problem in a different light. Being blunt is not always a bad thing.

Thank you for understanding.

Doloris
March 31st, 2018, 10:40 AM
Lori, I would go see a lawyer and understand my options. Sometimes just doing something like that is all it takes for them to see you are serious. If "he" finds out you saw a lawyer he might change some of his ways a little.
Might not change much, but if you don't want the D at this time it might change enough to be tolerable

KarenC
March 31st, 2018, 11:53 AM
What you are going through is o picnic. But take some time and think of yourself. I was really working on trying to improve things in my marriage, had thought about divorce and then talked myself out of it, etc. Well, was I surprised when he wanted the divorce and filed. In the end, I think it came down to sex and money. He filed then was dragging his feet, and withdrew the filing (long story). I finally couldn't take being in limbo, so I filed. He got way more than I think he deserved. (I was the major breadwinner.) I finally decided, that my relationship with my children was more important than money, and I could always make more money than him. It's been 10 years now, I know that financially I am good (much better than he is), and enjoy retirement, time with kids, etc. He and I have a good relationship now, although we could never be together again. He even came and helped install my gas dryer when I bought a new house last year.

So, while this is a decision that only you can make, you have received free advice from many, have the option to ignore or use parts of any of it. Speaking with a local lawyer to understand your specifics, would help you in making decisions. Take your time as it is a big decision. I don't know how old your children are, but they too will survive, especially if they have survived him living in the tent. Good luck.

Hulamoon
March 31st, 2018, 12:15 PM
First thing is, that I never asked for advice. It started out just being an update. Being called a doormat is a little harsh, but what can you do. That's why I don't share too much.

Karen my step kids are in their thirties and my own are 24 and 25. Dh does help when I have car trouble, but right now he can hardly walk.

MaggieSue
March 31st, 2018, 02:28 PM
So sorry if advice offered was not wanted........was made with the best of intentions! Hope you are doing well!!!

MissMay
March 31st, 2018, 02:37 PM
Lori, I would go see a lawyer and understand my options. Sometimes just doing something like that is all it takes for them to see you are serious. If "he" finds out you saw a lawyer he might change some of his ways a little.
Might not change much, but if you don't want the D at this time it might change enough to be tolerable

After years of supporting my SIL with hugs, understanding and gentle advice after her DH left her I finally gave her auntstuff's advice. She did find out what her options were but didn't go further . He divorced her and left her almost nothing it finally sunk in but it was too late.

Hulamoon
March 31st, 2018, 04:55 PM
So sorry if advice offered was not wanted........was made with the best of intentions! Hope you are doing well!!!

I appreciate all the advice! up until the point of being called names. It's almost like being called stupid. I own a house in Calif that he can't touch. I think I'm pretty smart. :) Please no lawyer advice on that. lol

Sandy Navas
March 31st, 2018, 05:41 PM
Anyone who has a naked chicken hanging in their sewing room . . .

Sending you HUGS (and a box of feathers - now go dress that chicken).

Hulamoon
March 31st, 2018, 08:12 PM
Anyone who has a naked chicken hanging in their sewing room . . .

Sending you HUGS (and a box of feathers - now go dress that chicken).
I will do that! Poor thing has been stuck upstairs for awhile and needs to come down and keep me company!

ilive2craft2
March 31st, 2018, 08:53 PM
Sending good vibes and hugs to you as you work through this. You will figure out what is best for you and your family. Pull that sewing machine back out - they are good therapy. Something about that hum and creating help me to think through things.

Suzette
April 1st, 2018, 09:40 AM
First thing is, that I never asked for advice. It started out just being an update. Being called a doormat is a little harsh, but what can you do. That's why I don't share too much.

This is why I was trying to help people understand that there is a time for "tough love" and a time to uplift and support a friend in need. Some folks don't/won't see the difference. But on the upside, many here are offering their uplifting support and their encouragement and keeping you firmly in our thoughts and prayers as you go through this very tough time. Hugs!

mommadeb
April 1st, 2018, 10:06 AM
I too, like many others have been through similar situations. But only you know what's best for you and your family. Hang in there and the answers will come to you one way or another. You will get through this.

mommadeb
April 1st, 2018, 10:35 AM
I will do that! Poor thing has been stuck upstairs for awhile and needs to come down and keep me company!

151471

A friend for your friend.

Sandy Navas
April 1st, 2018, 03:46 PM
Lorie - you have a picture of your naked chicken? I don't think I have one any more.
Maybe I should chicken pincushion Deb!

Hulamoon
April 1st, 2018, 05:09 PM
I do!

151488

This is closer up.

https://forum.missouriquiltco.com/album.php?albumid=2261&attachmentid=51220

151489

Hulamoon
April 1st, 2018, 05:46 PM
151471

A friend for your friend.

LOL Thanks! Don't let Sandy stick you!