View Full Version : A lesson to be learned

March 27th, 2018, 09:43 AM
Thursday I will say a final goodbye to the love of my life. It has been a very difficult journey to this point for both him and me. He had been in the hospital since March 1 (5 days in ICU, 6 days in a regular room and then the rest of the time till March 23 in ICU again). All the arrangements have been made; my older son and family arrive today; my other son and daughter live locally; my SIL left Sunday b/c she did not feel she could get through the funeral for her brother. The funeral guy called yesterday and asked if I would like to spend some alone time with DH today. I am not sure I can do that but I will try at 1 p.m. today. Everything has been very difficult. Everybody calls, or stops by, to see how I am doing. I don't want to sound uncaring, but sometimes I just want to be alone.

Yesterday, I couldn't find the check I had written for the car insurance. I knew I had seen it on the kitchen table, but it wasn't there. Through tears of fear of not knowing what I would do if I could not find it, I looked through everything in the kitchen a couple of times - even emptied the trash can - nothing. Then I spied a pile of stuff on the dining room table and there it was. I had moved it when my SIL and I were going to eat supper on Saturday. I know that things like this will happen again as I take on things my husband did, but I also know I am a strong woman and I will get through this and hopefully, after everyone has left, I can start carving out what will be my new "normal" for my life.

One thing I have learned, realized, whatever you want to call it, and I have told my children this. Make sure that you tell your husband, wife, significant other, that you love them every single day and give them a kiss every single day - even if it is only a peck on the cheek or on the top of the head. Ever since we both retired, we became "comfortable" being around the house all day with each other and tended to take each other for granted. Now, I do not have him anymore. In the hospital, I told him I loved him and kissed his hand constantly (it was the only place I could reach on him most of the time). One night, I was able to kiss his cheek and, even though the breathing tube was still in his mouth, I saw him pucker up a little and was able to kiss his lips. It meant the world to me and I will cherish that moment the rest of my days.

Once again, I can't thank you all enough for all the compassion, thoughts, prayers for my husband, family and myself. It has been a lifesaver for me in the darkest moments of the past few weeks. You are truly great friends and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.


cv quilter
March 27th, 2018, 09:48 AM
Nancy, prayers and good thoughts to you and your family. I can't imagine what you are going through, but you do sound like a strong woman and I admire your courage. God Bless you.

March 27th, 2018, 09:59 AM
Nancy, I'm so glad you had time with your dearest husband.

I didn't have that luxury. Howard was able to get on the gurney and the last I saw him was when he was in the ambulance. I begged to see him and talk to him when they told me he was being so difficult in the Cath Lab, but they wouldn't let me go back. I wanted to see him in ICU, but they wouldn't let me see him. It still bothers me that I never had those last precious moments with him.

There will be lots of moments where you know you've taken care of something and then can't find it. My dining room table was stacks and stacks for weeks. Then that moment of panic when you know you've done something, and it's lost in the paperwork. I went through everything over and over while I tried to get a handle on things. Howard did all of the bills. He didn't even want me to write a check if it wasn't necessary and heaven forbid if I wrote anything in the register. lol, his quirks left me in the dark about a lot of things (which probably would have caused friction if I'd known about them).

One thing that I did that may help, I started a notebook and kept a log of what I did. I dated it in the margin, then who I called and on the next line what was discussed. It really helped me keep my head. Put the name of who you talked to, the phone number, etc. that way everything will be in one central location and if you have to call that company back, you'll have all that information at your finger tips.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

March 27th, 2018, 11:43 AM
I am so sorry for your loss, Nancy. Thank you for reminding us to keep our loved ones close. I'm praying for peace and comfort for you and your family... Kay

March 27th, 2018, 01:23 PM
Bless your heart Nancy. We all forget...but you are under such stress right now, you must just relax and forget the trivial stuff. I know how you feel about being tired of company and you must just tell them you need alone time and you will call when you are ready to have company. Don't feel guilty about that. You probably just want to take stock of your situation and recoup. We love you and pray for your swift recovery.

Andrea F
March 27th, 2018, 02:26 PM
Nancy, I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and good thoughts. Thanks for reminding us, you're so right.

March 27th, 2018, 04:17 PM
Still praying for you Nancy. You will go through some tough times, but as you mentioned you are strong and will get through it. Katrina had some good advice about keeping notes in a notebook until you get your routine. Take your time and don't try to do everything at once. When you think of something that needs to be done, write it down then you can mark it off once you get to it. I am a list girl. It helps me prioritize.

March 27th, 2018, 05:16 PM
So sorry for your loss, prayers for all!!!!

Judy, USMC
March 27th, 2018, 05:23 PM
Nancy - Please understand the calls and visits are well intentioned and meant to support you. Also understand that you can let the calls go to voice mail or hang a Please Do Not Disturb Sign on the door But please keep in contact with those who have offered you help ... you may need to count on them to help you climb out of the valley you are in now.

You, Katrina and I have all recently gone through this type of loss ~ and are handling it in our own ways. You will find your path. And I agree that being a member of this forum has brought each one of us a sense of unconditional support. Know my heart is with you.

March 27th, 2018, 06:00 PM
Nancy, the days and weeks ahead will not be easy but know that we are all here for you. Thoughts and prayers are with you at this most difficult time. May your memories help you through them.

Rhonda K
March 27th, 2018, 06:27 PM
Thank you for sharing your special memories of your DH and the reminder to make every day a good one. It is so touching to read of these special men and the love stories. Thoughts and prayers for you and family.

March 27th, 2018, 09:03 PM
There is no right way or wrong way to handle this. You might be strong and stoic or you might cry like a baby every day or both. People will not judge you. I know you will cope with this nightmare somehow and it pains me to think of the emotional wreck you must be in. It is all perfectly normal. And I agree there is nothing wrong with not answering the phone or the door. People will understand. You are in all of our thoughts al the time.

Simply Quilting
March 28th, 2018, 12:58 AM
Nancy, so sorry for the loss of your dh. Thank you for the reminder to not take those we love for granted. Continued prayers for you.

Jean Sewing Machine
March 28th, 2018, 01:43 PM
Thinking of you every day, as you walk this difficult path. May your memories and friends and family bring you comfort as the days pass. Laugh and cry, talk and plan, deal with paperwork, then laugh and cry some more. I noticed that as time passed, I still cried almost every day, but the time for each cry got shorter,then after months, I would go a day or two with no tears. But you never know what will trigger special memories that make the tears come again. The tears are cleansing and healing, I am convinced of that. Love you, my dear Forum friend!

March 28th, 2018, 08:09 PM
What a difficult time for you, I understand the pain you are
going thru. Saying prayers for you.

March 28th, 2018, 08:46 PM
NANCY, what a beautiful and loving post you wrote. I do understand about just wanting to be alone. Sometimes it takes that so we can recharge and hear ourselves think. I know from your post that you will make it through.

March 28th, 2018, 08:54 PM
My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. After I lost Michael I was doing and feeling exactly as you are. I felt so scatterbrained and had little concentration. I did the same thing Kat suggested, I got a notebook and wrote everything down. It help a lot. We are here for you.

March 28th, 2018, 10:11 PM
Nancy, big hugs of comfort to you. Still praying for you. Thank you for the heartfelt reminder.

March 28th, 2018, 10:31 PM
I've been thinking about you today. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. Just know that we'll be here keeping you close in our thoughts and prayers.

Connie Jo
March 29th, 2018, 07:44 AM
Nancy, I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now. So many emotions are filling my head just thinking about you. Thank god for your children right now. May they help you through some of your difficult times. Please know I think about you often. I will continue to pray for you and your family.