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Astatoo
February 28th, 2018, 03:48 PM
We are having a family meeting with a Social Worker tonight regarding putting MIL in an assisted living or nursing home situation. It is now to the point that she can not care for herself and FIL's health is failing from the care he is having to give her-he also is no longer able to assist her when she falls which is now almost daily. We were told to be ready with all questions but DH and I do not know enough to even form a relative question. What questions can you wonderful/helpful quilters suggest?
Thanks for any suggestions or help you can offer.

KPH
February 28th, 2018, 04:07 PM
My thoughts and prayers are with you. It's definitely a hard process to go through.

My suggestion get everything in writing and have all parties sign any decisions made. Take lots of notes, so you can refer back to them as needed. Get everyone's direct phone number and use them if needed.

If you have any concerns, or if your MIL has any quirks let them know. Be sure to go and check on her at different times of the day.

I guess I should qualify, Mom wasn't in assisted living, but in rehab. Our experience wasn't a great one. Uncle Horace is loving his assisted living experience. So I know there is a different level of expectations.

bakermom
February 28th, 2018, 04:23 PM
Difficult times. we had a couple meetings with social workers when caring for mom at home. Most of our concerns were how to keep her at home, which we did until the last 2 months. Cost I guess would be the most obvious. if assisted living, how much time will she be allowed to spend alone, in communal area, group dining etc. Are there activities designed to keep residents active as conditions allow? How much freedom will family have when visiting?, like can they help her cook a favorite meal to share with her? assuming there is communal kitchen. nursing homes, again are a bit different but still info on visits, laundry is helpful. Will she be taken to dining room to eat to encourage social skills or will she be allowed to stay in her room? will you do her laundry or will the faucility handle it? Security for her personal items(both places)

jjkaiser
February 28th, 2018, 05:22 PM
Oh I sympathize with you. When you don't know enough about something it is hard to think of good questions to ask. I have never been in this situation shopping for nh or assisted living. They will probably give you a big spiel about what is included at their facility and that info will likely be in the brochures they give you to take home. I would be more interested in hearing them explain what kind of services are excluded, or provided at additional cost. Also I would call the local library to get a line on resources you could call, like senior citizens hotline if there is one, so they could give you ideas. Or even wander into a senior citizens rec center and ask at the desk. Good luck.

Debbie Watters
February 28th, 2018, 05:51 PM
Fortunately for us, both our parents were at home until they passed. Unfortunately, my Grandmother lived in a nursing home for about a year. My Dad visited her at various times of the day and evening and my Mom did her laundry. She had dementia - could rattle off the doses/reasons for medication but couldn't figure out there was enough water for everyday living ... anyway, from my Dad's observations, the patients were given better treatment if the patient had frequent visitors. My Grandmother had five sons and one daughter who visited her with regularity. Good luck with making this decision ... remember, you are doing the best you can at this time ...

Georgie Girl
February 28th, 2018, 05:59 PM
Had to do this for my father. We visited a few places. Some places would not take him because he was combative and had alcoholism which I;m sure you won't have that problem. Will she be able to move to nursing care from the assisted living facility. The elderly hate change and it helps to move them within the facility. Will she start out with Title 19. If she starts out paying private will they still keep her once she goes on Title 19. Some facilities only take private pay and will not keep them when they go to Title 19. After a certain time when does the cost go up? I kept a notebook with all my questions and whatever they provided me with. I also kept all my siblings informed of everything, not that that meant much to them. Does she have her HCPA and FPOA. If it's your FIL is there a backup say your husband. If they have some money she can gift it, pay for funeral costs, etc. so she can go on Title 19 right away. That takes a little planning though. Of course I don't know the situation. I worked for a law firm that dealt with estate planning. The previous forum replies were all good replies so I didn't want to duplicate and was just replying from a different angle. Good luck. I'm here for you.

PS" There is also County and local help with social workers, etc. Contact your local county and they will direct you to who to talk to and lots of literature.

JCY
February 28th, 2018, 06:13 PM
So sorry you're going through this, but so many families have to deal with this issue. If your MIL is falling on a daily basis & needing help with her personal care, it sounds like she needs nursing home, not assisted living. Many elderly people resist going to a facility, so make sure there is a designated power of attorney who is willing to make the tough decisions. I wish you well. Maybe there are web sites that can give you suggestions for questions to ask the social worker. I didn't check, but it seems like there are answers for everything on the web. You can do virtual tours of nursing homes, etc. & let your fingers do the walking until you 've zeroed it down to 2 or 3 options, then you can go visit in person. Let us know how things turn out. I know of two friends who are in Brookdale facilities. One is in assisted living in CO, the other is in the memory care unit in OR.

jjkaiser
February 28th, 2018, 06:20 PM
I just joined AARP two weeks ago so am not familiar yet with what they have but maybe you know of someone who has been a member for awhile? To me they seem like a logical starting point and surely they must have put out magazine articles on this subject. Just a thought.

grammaterry
February 28th, 2018, 07:08 PM
FRom customers at the restaurant before we retired, the husband (age ;82) wanted to be able to take her (age 92 ) home on weekends and on frequent day trips. Will that be allowed? He was fighting with Soc Sev. because they wouldn't let him take her home due to his age. They were sad. They would let him bring her to the restaurant on Sunday afternoons for dinner.

MRoy
February 28th, 2018, 08:23 PM
Regarding gifting money/assets...I worked with the Kentucky Medicaid agency for over 25 years. In KY, if money or other resources are given away prior to entering a facility, Medicaid may consider it a prohibited transfer of resources and determine the person ineligible for assistance for a period of time based on the value of the asset(s) given away. The transfer look back period can be as much as 5 years. The policy may vary by state, but I recommend not transferring any resources without checking into this first.

bakermom
February 28th, 2018, 08:40 PM
Regarding gifting money/assets...I worked with the Kentucky Medicaid agency for over 25 years. In KY, if money or other resources are given away prior to entering a facility, Medicaid may consider it a prohibited transfer of resources and determine the person ineligible for assistance for a period of time based on the value of the asset(s) given away. The transfer look back period can be as much as 5 years. The policy may vary by state, but I recommend not transferring any resources without checking into this first.
very good points. now with mom the house was never an issue cause it was already gone, but we were advised that we could pre-pay funeral expense and a few other allowable expenses Wasn't that big of a deal since mom had few assets. Now I thought this meeting was with a SW from agency on aging or something similar, not a specific facility. maybe I misread.

Judy, USMC
February 28th, 2018, 09:05 PM
The meet with Social Services wasn't hard when I had to do it for mom. We just reviewed financing and the Social worker came up with a list of available facilities. The most difficult part was actually selecting the home.

Find out if her doctor(s) have a preference or recommendations of which one they would work with. Some stumbling blocks I avoided by checking with him first were: The facility used their own doctors and didn't allow meds to be prescribed by her regular doc. The facility used a hospital but her doctor had no admission privileges there so couldn't follow her if she developed additional medical problems.

This is the best resource I found ... and it was written just this year. https://health.usnews.com/health-news/best-nursing-homes/articles/must-ask-questions-when-youre-choosing-a-nursing-home I asked many the same things when my mom went into a home for a lengthy stay just for re-hab. I was allowed liberal visitation (7am - 11pm) and they even brought in a recliner so I'd be comfortable. She was allowed to go out of the facility but needed prior approval so we had to plan her outings 2 days in advance. It was important to her that she be treated as part of the decision making process so everything was explained to her as I found the info. It's important to their mental well-being that they not feel like this is just a warehouse for them to be stuck in.

PM anytime, Beth. This is never an easy process because it's a great responsibility.

MRoy
February 28th, 2018, 09:20 PM
now with mom the house was never an issue cause it was already gone, but we were advised that we could pre-pay funeral expense and a few other allowable expenses Wasn't that big of a deal since mom had few assets. Now I thought this meeting was with a SW from agency on aging or something similar, not a specific facility. maybe I misread.
Yes, there are allowable expenses that money can be used for and not be considered a transfer. Also, the person in a facility can transfer some funds to their spouse who is still at home. Many states now publish their Medicaid policy manuals online. The best person to explain the policy is an Adult Medicaid worker at your local social services/family services office.

Lori63
February 28th, 2018, 11:21 PM
Definitely check out with the state if there have been any complaints or if the facility has any history of fines or failed inspections.

Ask about staff to resident ratio. Ask about staff turnover and how they hire (background checks). Ask about their protocol for preventing bedsores.

Find out the policy if the patient falls. I work for the ambulance service and in our local area there are a couple facilities that require the patient to go by ambulance to the hospital for any fall. They require the patient go even if the patient does not want to go. That can get expensive because sometimes those transports are considered not necessary.

Good luck, it's a tough decision to make.

Snip Snip
March 1st, 2018, 01:30 AM
Someone mentioned that the patients get better care if they have frequent visitors. I think that is true, sad to say. From my experience, the better you get to know the staff, the better treatment your loved one will get. Take the staff homemade cookies, get to know their names and who will be working days or evenings. If your loved one is cognizant, these staff will become her friends and she will know all about them. So you need to know, too.
And just because the facility may not look very pretty doesn't mean the residents are unhappy or uncared for.
Also, if you are not allowed to pop in any old time for a visit, you should be wary. Well, maybe not the middle of the night. But I even had to do that when I had to tell Mom that Dad had passed. Wow, bad memories coming up.

Astatoo
March 1st, 2018, 11:10 AM
Thanks for all the advice and positive thoughts. Meeting went well, now we know what we need to do next, it starts with a sit down with both of them and all of the siblings on Saturday morning, although Dad has been asking questions about placing Mom nothing concrete has ever really been discussed with them both together. The social worker (family friend) will be there to assist with the meeting. I am so grateful that I am only an in-law and will not be attending-but I wish I could be a fly on the wall.