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View Full Version : Feeling Guilty. Should I?



Lyndaj
March 17th, 2017, 08:45 AM
Let me preface this by saying, I am ok, so no need to send your prayers.:)

So, awhile back some of you may remember that I was trying desperately to get a quilt ready for my MIL who was dying. Well, she passed without my getting the finished quilt to her. It was at the long arm quilter and actually still is as I write this.

At any rate, I was able to take the quilt top in to show her when she was in a good place and being the quilter that she was, she turned it over to look at my seams. ****!

So, the day before she passed, she asked my SIL to tell me that she wanted the quilt to go to her. Sigh. Let me explain. My SIL is a bit of a self serving person and everything is hers. I had decided before this that if she were to pass before the quilt was done, that we were keeping it for 2 reasons. 1. I am in effect giving it to her son instead. 2. Quite honestly, in my 14 years of quilting, this is the first quilt that I can say that I am proud of.

So here I am feeling guilty that I'm not giving it to the sister. Instead, I have decided to make her a one block wonder quilt (to be started shortly and she has no idea about) and will have it quilted in a similar way including mom's favourite phrase "Motor on."

Thoughts?

Star lover
March 17th, 2017, 08:53 AM
Follow your heart, with no guilt. You're the one gifting not you SIL. If she doesn't like it .... What's it to her. If she wants a quilt, she can make it herself (she doesn't have to know you're making her one). You're generous in making her one anyway. Hope you have peace with your decision. Whatever it is - stick to it! My humble option.

SuzyQue
March 17th, 2017, 08:58 AM
I think you have the right to decide who now gets the quilt. If you didn't hear the request, was it true? I have people in my life that have done similar things so I am skeptical. You are willing to make her a special quilt just for her and that should suffice. The quilting message will add special memories for her, too. Don't feel guilty as you are honoring your hubby, her son in this special way. You can't make everyone happy, but as the creator of the quilt, you should get to have your heart sing by blessing whomever you chose.

Hulamoon
March 17th, 2017, 09:06 AM
Don't feel guilty. It's still yours since it never got into someone else's hands. If she says mom said it's mine just say sorry but that's not what we/ I agreed to. I wouldn't make her a quilt out of some unfounded guilt either. Stick to your heart like Star lover said.

Lyndaj
March 17th, 2017, 09:16 AM
Don't feel guilty. It's still yours since it never got into someone else's hands. If she says mom said it's mine just say sorry but that's not what we/ I agreed to. I wouldn't make her a quilt out of some unfounded guilt either. Stick to your heart like Star lover said.

I already apologized, but I still keep feeling guilty about it. I had decided last year, before all of this happened, to make both MIL and SIL a quilt, so I'm not making it out of guilt. Besides, I already bought the fabric.

And Suzy, you could be totally right. I wasn't there when my MIL supposedly told my SIL. As I said, she is and has always been a self serving individual, and this has always been my issue.

Suzette
March 17th, 2017, 09:30 AM
I think your reasons for keeping the quilt are valid. And I think you found the perfect solution by making another special quilt for your SIL. You are handling this beautifully. I would feel no guilt at all.

Bubby
March 17th, 2017, 09:47 AM
Follow your heart with no guilt. The quilt didn't belong to your MIL and it certainly shouldn't go to your SIL unless your heart tells you to give it to her.

I made my MIL a Guilt Quilt. It was a pretty Orange Peel in her favorite color (blue) with scalloped borders. It was awkward giving it to her and she refused to thank me for it. Later she made a point of telling me she put it in the attic. Recently I found out that the quilt was donated to Goodwill. I hope the person who bought/buys it will love it and enjoy using it.

I never felt happy in my heart to be making her a quilt and now I wish I had listened to my heart. Life is a journey and we must all find our own way....HUGS to you.

grammaterry
March 17th, 2017, 10:04 AM
I agree with everything! Why would the subject of the quilt even come up with the mil if it weren't in the room! Will is manipulating you

Star lover
March 17th, 2017, 10:15 AM
I made my MIL a Guilt Quilt. It was a pretty Orange Peel in her favorite color (blue) with scalloped borders. It was awkward giving it to her and she refused to thank me for it. Later she made a point of telling me she put it in the attic. Recently I found out that the quilt was donated to Goodwill. I hope the person who bought/buys it will love it and enjoy using it.

I never felt happy in my heart to be making her a quilt and now I wish I had listened to my heart. Life is a journey and we must all find our own way....HUGS to you.

Wow, kinda hit home. My MIL always made over my quilts. But it never sounded genuine. But many years ago, trying to please her, I gave her a queen size navy and white double Irish chain that I had won a blue ribbon in the MI state fair (ribbon was for the hand quilting). She did say thank you, but I never saw the quilt, ever. It really bothered me, so I told her I would give her $500 for the quilt. She ran, got it (stuffed in a closet), and I paid her. Whew, saved.
Later I learned that my FIL inherited a quilt made by a gg grandmother (not sure of how many g's) made during the civil war. They inherited a bunch of stuff included an old, old trunk. Well she griped all the way back from Georgia to KY that somewhere along the way he stopped the car and threw everything off a cliff. Except the quilt, it was under the luggage. Once home she threw it in the garage, uncovered, uncared for. My BIL came by and she grabbed it to throw it into the trash. He grabbed it from her and rescued it! He has since given it to me! Whew, saved. Still not sure of the age, family stories have a way of morphing. But at least both these quilts are loved and cared for now. Ya just never know. I'd felt sooo much better if I had never given it to her. It always nagged at my heart.

threadbndr
March 17th, 2017, 10:53 AM
I have to admit, both Lyndaj and Star lover's stories just tore at my heart. I didn't always understand my MiL, but she always cherished the things I made her. In fact, I used to wish she'd use them more and not just keep them for display. So I could make her new ones LOL.

Sometimes people are either living from a very wounded place in their own minds and hearts or are just mean spirited. Bless you both for trying to connect with the difficult people in your lives. No guilt, just love for your own heart's sake.

shirleyknot
March 17th, 2017, 11:04 AM
I made each of my kids quilts when they got married. Both were neglected, left out in the weather and pretty much reduced to rags in a year or so. I made one for my first grandson, and he never got to use it because his mother sold it.. On the other hand, made one for my mom 25 years ago. She kept it on the couch to snuggle. I got it back a few years ago when she died. It now lives on my bed. Made my baby brother one a couple years ago, made him pay for the materials. He treasures that one too. My kids? Nope. No matter how much they beg, I won't give them another one. And they DO beg. They can buy one, no discounts. Maybe that will make them care for them.

pjyoder414@yahoo.com
March 17th, 2017, 11:06 AM
I agree, with the others, follow your heart and please do not feel guilty, as you said you were not there when supposedly she told her that and it doesn't sound like anyone else was there to witness it.

Caroline T.
March 17th, 2017, 11:22 AM
Hope this story helps relieve your guilt.

My mother was a dedicated quilt maker. She must have made 100s of quilts in her lifetime for others. Many years ago I realized as many quilts that she had made, she didn't have one of her own that she created. All the quilts that graced her bed were used ones that she found at thrift stores or garage sales. These were quilts that someone else had made with love and care for someone they loved and cared for, only to be tossed aside when they lost their "new" look, or clashed with the new decor. Yet my mother saw the beauty in these creations and rescued them.

When I realized mom didn't have a quilt that was made especially for her, I decided that I was going to make her one. And I did. I don't know that she ever actually snuggled under it, but every time I visited her, it was draped over her footboard of her bed. Everytime except the last trip home, when I went for her funeral and to help my siblings to clean out mom's apartment.

As we sorted thru her things, I began to think this quilt must have been given away as it wasn't with the rest of her linens or on her bed. Low and behold, just as we were finishing up in the laundry closet (the last area to be cleaned out), we came across a large tote filled with winter clothes, and in the bottom of the tote was the quilt. I sobbed! And when I saw on the back corner the little fabric envelope that my mom had added ( I didn't know about making quilt labels when I made it) & looked inside, I realized then and there how much mom loved not just the quilt, but me too.

A quilt is made out of love, and should go to a person who will love it in return. You made this quilt for a woman you obviously loved and respected. Sadly it wasn't finished in time for her to enjoy it, but it should be passed to one who will love it for what it represents, and that's the love you and your MIL shared, for each other, and for the craft. I truly believe that your husband is that person, not your SIL.

Mother's Garden, created in 1996 for the woman who inspired me.

141133

141134

In case you're wondering, my middle name is Beth and the name my family uses for me.

EnumclawGramma
March 17th, 2017, 11:52 AM
A quilt is made out of love, and should go to a person who will love it in return. You made this quilt for a woman you obviously loved and respected. Sadly it wasn't finished in time for her to enjoy it, but it should be passed to one who will love it for what it represents, and that's the love you and your MIL shared, for each other, and for the craft. I truly believe that your husband is that person, not your SIL.



Such a beautiful story and quilt Caroline! You're a woman after my own heart. And I really love this sentiment, it's exactly how I feel/think about this.

I am a quilt rescuer. No kidding. I feel actual emotional pain when I see a quilt in a thrift store or yard sale or estate sale. Because I KNOW the love, time and talent that went into making it. I don't even want to think about how it ended up where it is, I just take it home and either gift it or put it to good use. I don't even own regular "blankets" anymore. So, making sure a quilt that I make goes to someone who will love it for what it represents is important to me. I would never want it to wind up in Goodwill.

Follow your heart, you know where that quilt belongs......

seaturtle
March 17th, 2017, 12:04 PM
I love your story and the quilt, Caroline T.

I agree with all the others - follow your heart and gift the quilt to DH. There is nothing to feel guilty about...

GrammaBabs
March 17th, 2017, 01:21 PM
There is no right or wrong in this i feel.... because it is after all ,,,All about "feelings".... If it were me,,,, i would make the other quilt,,, present it to her(your SIL) with the truth that your heart feels best giving the original to her son... because you made it and the story behind it! From that same emotional place, you felt you wanted to make something "just for her" from you! That just makes sense to me and would be a totally truthful reason for her not getting the quilt your MIL was supposed to get... Your feelings at this point are what matter now. You did your best while she was alive:))))))))) That's all one can do!

jjkaiser
March 17th, 2017, 05:04 PM
I would keep the one you made your MIL because of it's sentimental value. I think your SIL's claim "it's mine" is total BS and even though I am the only one on the Forum to say this, I would NOT make her one!! Or else I would deliberately make her the ugliest quilt imaginable so that's the last time she ever asks. And that would give me great satisfaction!!

Monique
March 17th, 2017, 07:34 PM
Go with your heart and don't feel guilty about anything. The quilt I made for my mother-in-law came back here. Les would not have let it go anywhere else, bless his heart. And I would have been very upset had my sister-in-law helped herself to it. If you already told her you would make her one, let her be satisfied with that or else.

Lyndaj
March 17th, 2017, 08:44 PM
Follow your heart with no guilt. The quilt didn't belong to your MIL and it certainly shouldn't go to your SIL unless your heart tells you to give it to her.

I made my MIL a Guilt Quilt. It was a pretty Orange Peel in her favorite color (blue) with scalloped borders. It was awkward giving it to her and she refused to thank me for it. Later she made a point of telling me she put it in the attic. Recently I found out that the quilt was donated to Goodwill. I hope the person who bought/buys it will love it and enjoy using it.

I never felt happy in my heart to be making her a quilt and now I wish I had listened to my heart. Life is a journey and we must all find our own way....HUGS to you.

Barb, I'm so sorry. That is just awful.

Lyndaj
March 17th, 2017, 08:55 PM
I would keep the one you made your MIL because of it's sentimental value. I think your SIL's claim "it's mine" is total BS and even though I am the only one on the Forum to say this, I would NOT make her one!! Or else I would deliberately make her the ugliest quilt imaginable so that's the last time she ever asks. And that would give me great satisfaction!!

Thank you. I laughed really hard when I read your response. It's been a very long week and a bit. This is a complicated estate and I'm involved because as my husband says, "I speak lawyer" I'm a Law Clerk by training. Thank you everyone for listening.

pcbatiks
March 17th, 2017, 11:50 PM
I'm guessing that SIL is not being honest. I agree with the others.......give it to your DH in honor of his mom.

PatinValrico
March 18th, 2017, 12:17 AM
Wow!! Lots of unresolved baggage here. When I was first married I knitted my MIL a pretty afghan, expensive yarn, with all sorts of cables, twists, turns and knots. Gave my precious (I thought) gift to her on Christmas when it was a bazillion degrees below zero. She put it away and that night remarked she wished she had something to wrap up in. The following summer when we visited I saw it hanging on the clothes line. It was the size of a placemat! Life is too short. Celebrate your special talent with people who appreciate it.

Cool Breeze Quilter
March 18th, 2017, 01:29 PM
Please don't feel guilty, you have no reason to. I wish I was better with words but I believe you have every right to make the decision where this quilt ends up. I love what threadbndr said - no guilt, just love for your own hearts sake.

alliek
March 23rd, 2017, 02:40 PM
What a lovely story. One to be treasured. Working on a quilt for someone is a joy! It allows you to keep that person in the forefront of your mind with good thoughts. I pray for the person I'm making a quilt for as I make it. Quilting is more than sewing. Woman used this,through the years, (now men and children too!) for their outlet for creation,contemplation and practical use. Doesn't get any better.

GuitarGramma
March 23rd, 2017, 03:39 PM
It sounds like your SIL told you that your MIL promised her the quilt. That could have happened in many ways.
- "Oh, dearest daughter, your brother's wife is making me a quilt and I want you to have it when I die."
Yeah, sure.

More likely, it went like this.
- "Did you know that Lynda is making me a quilt? She showed me the top and it was beautiful."
- "Really? Wow, I'd sure like that."
- "Of course, of course."

So your SIL comes running to you and says, "Mom wants me to have the quilt you're making."

Of course, you know that you're making her a different quilt. She's never seen the one you showed your MIL. So just give her the One Block Wonder quilted with "Motor On," and she'll never know the difference!

RockinLou
March 24th, 2017, 02:46 PM
I would keep the one you made your MIL because of it's sentimental value. I think your SIL's claim "it's mine" is total BS and even though I am the only one on the Forum to say this, I would NOT make her one!! Or else I would deliberately make her the ugliest quilt imaginable so that's the last time she ever asks. And that would give me great satisfaction!!

You're not alone, I wouldn't make the second quilt either!!