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WendyI
April 27th, 2016, 01:24 PM
So my supervisor has been seconded to another position for 18 months in another department. This means that her job is vacant and so far no one on campus, or off campus for that matter, has applied for it and it's been posted twice.

I am JUST starting back to full-time hours next week after being on stress leave since last July due to my painful divorce (for those of you who haven't heard me whining about it! :icon_rolleyes: ). I feel SO MUCH more confident than I did before I left on leave and my anxiety is almost nil these days (which is amazing because it was totally debilitating I can tell you!).

So...at our monthly staff meeting this morning it was announced that there are still no prospective bites on filling her position. I am a level 7, she was a level 12....but there isn't really that much that I don't know about what is in the job posting. I already have a lot of the basic knowledge required to do her job and anyone new coming in will have to be trained as well. I don't have any supervisory experience but would sure like to get some (although I know it's a crappy task to have) and the team I would be supervising are fantastic...they work so well independently so really it's just about managing who can take vacation and when, which is based on seniority/years of service (since I've been here the longest I pick first! LOL!)

My issue is...I AM JUST coming back from stress leave and JUST starting back to full-time hours. I still have days (mostly at home) that are really bad (like Monday when my ex dropped of almost all the rest of my stuff that was in storage using his girlfriends truck or when he opened our trailer that he was supposed to be selling and didn't).

I feel like I want to explore this opportunity and if I don't I will regret it. It IS only for 18 months...and even if she decides not to come back to the GSO, I wouldn't qualify to keep the position because I don't have a degree. But in that 18 months I would earn enough extra income to pay off my credit card AND the knowledge gained would help me in other jobs should I choose to pursue them.

So I'm meeting with my department head tomorrow to feel her out and see what she thinks. Has anyone ever been in this position?! I feel like I really need to immerse myself in my job and shut the rest of the world out for a bit kwim? I'm so worried though that I could be getting in over my head? And yet I'm so familiar with it all I don't see how it could be that difficult...and yet I am not overly confident...oye! Any thoughts?

redcaboose1717
April 27th, 2016, 01:36 PM
It all depends on how you yourself feel....if you are still having times at home when things are bad, I don't know, I think I would just let the job pass me by. Had you not just come off from a leave due to stress, sure I wouldn't think twice about applying for the job.
When I was reading this Wendy, my first thoughts were " She just went back to work after being off due to stress,and wants to apply for this job ? " Hmmmm.....
Here's a scenario for you. Many years ago, my DH was disabled due to severe seizures. I had asked for some time off ( I took about 6 months off ) and the 2 days after I went back to work I noticed that the supervisory position that was posted about 3 wks prior to my returning to work hadn't been filled. I didn't apply for it, simply because I felt that due to the fact I had been off work ( and it was due to not only DH's having a rough time medically but having 2-3 grand-mall seizures a day isn't exactly easy on a wife/care-giver either) I would just let the position slide and if an when another position opened up after a few months, I would ( and did ) apply.
Whatever the decision you make Wendy, you have to be comfortable with. You may do really well if you were given the job, but then too, why put yourself thru added stress so soon ?
Take care ! :) This is just my opinion of course. Good luck whatever your decision is ! :)

sassygranny
April 27th, 2016, 01:39 PM
The ONLY concern I would have is whether your old job is guaranteed to be waiting for you when the 18 months is over. It sounds as if it might be a little more stressful, but perhaps that might help you focus on things other than your ex. It's got to look good on your resume. I say go for it!

Iris Girl
April 27th, 2016, 01:42 PM
I say go for it as long as when the 18 months are over your job is waiting for you. It would be great for your resume and also something to take your mind off the ex. It will give you the confidence boost you need knowing you can do it as well as the extra$$ that always help! Hugs and good luck!

WendyI
April 27th, 2016, 01:50 PM
Yes my job would def. still be here while I did the other job.

Hulamoon
April 27th, 2016, 02:07 PM
Yes my job would def. still be here while I did the other job.
Then I would do it. You said there was a good team already there, so it should be easy peasy. I think your ready. You deserve it after all you've been through.

oldsewer
April 27th, 2016, 02:28 PM
If it's that easy and terrific, why is no one applying for it? Something doesn't add up.

kaydee
April 27th, 2016, 02:32 PM
I think if you think you could do the job, you should go for it. And since you are considering it, then you think you could do it, and you should go for it.

I think your separation from your ex was a blow to your self-esteem. The "stress" you've been suffering from is a result of this attack to your self-esteem. I think your self-esteem was tied way too closely to your relationship with your ex, and when he left, your self-esteem took a giant hit square in the gut.

So go do something for yourself. Pour yourself into your work. Let your performance at this new job be the thing that starts to fill the crater that was left by the blow to the gut. Show that inner part of you that has been devastastated by your ex's personal attack on you, that YOU are in fact a wonderful, capable, successful human being. I think this is just what you need.

And Wendy, I know your ex is your son's father, but frankly, the guy is a complete and total @sshole. Anyone that would show up at your home with that truck is a self-centered, inconsiderate, piece of scum who at some level is enjoying what he is doing to you. So STAY AWAY FROM HIM. If he has something to drop off or give you, do it through an intermediary or have him drop it off when you're not home. Don't give him the opportunity to set you back because he WILL do it. Finish this separation. Make it complete. No more contact. None. Stop giving him the power to hurt you. Some day you will fill that hole in your gut with a self-esteem based on what YOU think of you, rather than what this @ss thinks of you. When that day comes, then you can resume contact with him. Until then, stay away from him. No excuses. Just NO CONTACT.

Hugs.

MRoy
April 27th, 2016, 02:34 PM
When I read your post I got the impression that you want to go for it but you may be trying to talk yourself out of it. If you think you have the skills and think you're ready for the challenge emotionally (and your current job will be waiting for you after 18 months) I'd say go for it. Have a very frank talk with your supervisor, weigh the pros and cons, and make your decision.

Your ex is your ex and it sounds like he intends to stay your ex. It's time to focus on yourself (and Liam, of course) and on building the best future you can for the two of you. Good luck with whatever you decide!

WendyI
April 27th, 2016, 02:35 PM
If it's that easy and terrific, why is no one applying for it? Something doesn't add up.

It's not that it's that easy...it's a very specialized area that a lot of people don't have experience with. I am part of a team that manages the software we use at the university to track data on our students and the courses that we offer. That system requires upgrading from time to time and when that occurs I participate in testing for my department to ensure that nothing is broken when we upgrade. I also am responsible for investigating future updates that may be offering new tools that we may wish to utilize. Normally I am directed by my supervisor as to what I am to investigate and I go off and do that. So essentially, I would be doing the same thing except I would be deciding what we should be investigating and putting forward proposals to advance it should we decide we want to actually utilize new tools being offered, and ensure that appropriate development and testing occurs to ensure that it does what it's supposed to when we are ready to use it. So it's kind of specialized and not a lot of people who would qualify, aren't already doing that job, so there is no reason for them to apply for it. While I have the foundational knowledge for the position I would still require a learning curve which could be extensive, but I would still be way ahead of someone who would come from another unit or off the street.

WendyI
April 27th, 2016, 02:44 PM
I think if you think you could do the job, you should go for it. And since you are considering it, then you think you could do it, and you should go for it.

I think your separation from your ex was a blow to your self-esteem. The "stress" you've been suffering from is a result of this attack to your self-esteem. I think your self-esteem was tied way too closely to your relationship with your ex, and when he left, your self-esteem took a giant hit square in the gut.

So go do something for yourself. Pour yourself into your work. Let your performance at this new job be the thing that starts to fill the crater that was left by the blow to the gut. Show that inner part of you that has been devastastated by your ex's personal attack on you, that YOU are in fact a wonderful, capable, successful human being. I think this is just what you need.

And Wendy, I know your ex is your son's father, but frankly, the guy is a complete and total @sshole. Anyone that would show up at your home with that truck is a self-centered, inconsiderate, piece of scum who at some level is enjoying what he is doing to you. So STAY AWAY FROM HIM. If he has something to drop off or give you, do it through an intermediary or have him drop it off when you're not home. Don't give him the opportunity to set you back because he WILL do it. Finish this separation. Make it complete. No more contact. None. Stop giving him the power to hurt you. Some day you will fill that hole in your gut with a self-esteem based on what YOU think of you, rather than what this @ss thinks of you. When that day comes, then you can resume contact with him. Until then, stay away from him. No excuses. Just NO CONTACT.

Hugs.

Thanks Kaydee....this is exactly what I am trying to do. To be fair, my words were to him, "Get me my stuff! I have been asking since December! Your girlfriend has a truck use it!" Now common sense would tell me (if I were him) to NOT actually do that, but he IS a man and has never been in touch with me emotionally so is utterly clueless as to how upset I would be by him actually doing it! I just want to do exactly what you said...cut every tie with him that I can and try and move on with my life. I am not angry at him, I love him still and am incredibly hurt and sad. I wish I COULD get to the angry stage! I do agree that I need to cut the ties and be done with him for good for sure! I started that in December when I found out about her. I no longer permit him to come into my house and I told him unless it's life or death, he can talk to me through Liam. And that has absolutely helped me a lot. Only a few more things and then I can be done entirely and attempt to rebuild my heart.

grammaterry
April 27th, 2016, 02:53 PM
Ok, so I don't personally know you...but my two cents worth. Maybe three. You look like a young, bright, intelligent , beautiful woman. If you are under 50, your harmones are probably still raging. They are the thing that make us dependent upon men. I was a very dependent woman in my 30's and I disliked who I became in my relationship. (incidently, I am still married to the same man as I was then) When I started thru menopause, I started seeing things as they are and not the way I wanted to see them. I took charge of my own life and started to develop my own interests instead of pinning all my hopes and dreams on the love of my life. This is the first step! Second step is set the rules for the EX. Set them for yourself and no one else. Be glad the jerk moved on and thank the new girlfriend (even if its only in your mind) that she took him and you don't have to keep him.
3rd step...take the job! Who says they won't keep you there in 18 months if the old supervisor doesn't come back? Why would they want to start over with an unqualified person at that time. By then, your learning curve will have been achieved and perhaps the university will want to have you take some classes to get the necessary degree. Why wouldn't they?
Make Liam the most important man in your life, your job an extention of your self worth, and develop some outside social interests that you enjoy...maybe more education, maybe more quilting, maybe more girlfriends...who knows.

kaydee
April 27th, 2016, 02:59 PM
Only a few more things and then I can be done entirely . . .

Death by a thousand cuts . . .

Ok, I'm going to take back what I said about taking the job. If you are still at the point where you are letting this guy repeatedly rip open the wound you are trying to heal, and in fact inviting him to do it in especially hurtful ways, then perhaps now is not the best time to take on a new job. Maybe wait until you are done with this "rinse and repeat" thing you are doing to yourself. :(

hugs

jjkaiser
April 27th, 2016, 03:21 PM
I say Take it! You sound ready for the challenge and you already know the people you will be working with. The months fly by so quickly, 18 months is a doable time frame even if the job has some surprises not to your liking, like working longer hours or weekends, and as long as it doesn't interfere to much with your "Mom time" with Liam

KarenC
April 27th, 2016, 04:13 PM
I think it is definitely only a decision that you can make. Talk to the department head and then sit down and write down the pros and cons. I have to admit, when my EX gave me the news that he wanted out after 28 years, my demanding job was the main thing that kept me going. I would cry each night when I got home and he wasn't there, but during the work day, I was so busy and wanted so much for the divorce to not affect my job, that I didn't even think about it until I got home at night. If not for the job I would have been a basket case.

K. McEuen
April 27th, 2016, 04:47 PM
like Monday when my ex dropped of almost all the rest of my stuff that was in storage using his girlfriends truck or when he opened our trailer that he was supposed to be selling and didn't).



To be fair, my words were to him, "Get me my stuff! I have been asking since December! Your girlfriend has a truck use it!"

Ok, not to jump to his defense or anything, but I have to call you out on this. You told him to use it. Men are most times very literal. You can't say "Well common sense tells you..." and expect him to do what you would have done. He got you your stuff. The fact her used her truck and it hurt you is on you. Stop giving him the power, which is what Kaydee is basically saying too.

As far as the job, if you think you are up to it and it won't jeopardize your existing position, then go for it. But if your manager that you have the talk with thinks it isn't that great of an idea, listen to her/him and don't get upset at their answer. They have been very good to you and I don't think they would steer you wrong.

Carlie Wolf
April 27th, 2016, 05:16 PM
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. :-)

bubba
April 27th, 2016, 06:32 PM
I believe in living a stress free existence and urge you to do the same. Retiring from my job at 911 after 31 years was the smartest thing I ever did! Do I miss the $$?? Yes! Do I miss all the grief?? NEVER!!!

If you were to take this job and find a month in that these people who are so great to work with as coworkers are not so great to work with when you are their supervisor, how would that work? Would they let you demote back down then and there or make you do the job for 18 months?

If I were you and were getting by fine on what you are earning now, I'd stay right where I was. I'd also put a lien on that trailer (assuming it's also in your name) so you might get something out of it sooner or later. Matter of fact, if it's in your name, maybe you can sell it!

Hulamoon
April 27th, 2016, 07:04 PM
I believe in living a stress free existence and urge you to do the same. Retiring from my job at 911 after 31 years was the smartest thing I ever did! Do I miss the $$?? Yes! Do I miss all the grief?? NEVER!!!

If you were to take this job and find a month in that these people who are so great to work with as coworkers are not so great to work with when you are their supervisor, how would that work? Would they let you demote back down then and there or make you do the job for 18 months?

If I were you and were getting by fine on what you are earning now, I'd stay right where I was. I'd also put a lien on that trailer (assuming it's also in your name) so you might get something out of it sooner or later. Matter of fact, if it's in your name, maybe you can sell it!

That's a good point. When I worked at the hotel there was a really likable head cook that applied for one of the sous chef jobs. He got it and then everyone treated him different, some badly. I was friends with him and since I was in the bakery he felt free to talk to me. If you think that might happen maybe it might be too soon. I wouldn't want to see that extra stress on you.

redcaboose1717
April 27th, 2016, 08:08 PM
Wendy,
There was one thing I noticed in the comment to Kaydee that maybe you should think about. It's the comment about your EX talking to you thru your son Liam.....You shouldn't do this. You should never burden a child ( even an adult child ) with adult issues. If you are talking out loud about your ex in Liam's presence, I would advise you to stop.
I am sure that you are very hurt over what happened to you with your EX, but move on. Find a new hobby. Maybe there's a class in your area that you can take. Volunteer. You should find something new to do where you would make new friends.
There really is life after a divorce etc. ( My sister can attest to this, she has been divorced 3 times ! ) .....
Make a list of new things you want to do in your life, and start your life anew.

Last but not least, get a cheap spiral notebook and start writing down your feelings each day. Getting your issues out on paper is really good for you !
Take care.....
((((( BIG HUGS )))))

grammaterry
April 27th, 2016, 08:34 PM
I must say that you CANNOT be talking thru Liam. Its not his separation! He cannot be held to this level of parenting. Get your act together. Stop using your love as a crutch. He is GONE. Move on. Stop the madness. You are creating your own stress. Divorce is never fun , but It just doesn't have to consume you. Why would you want someone that doesn't want you.

Hulamoon
April 27th, 2016, 08:35 PM
I agree with Sugar. Don't involve him. My parents divorced really eary in my life, I think under two. I saw him evey weekend after that, of course I don't remember. But when got older she talked bad about him and got stuck in the middle.

Monique
April 27th, 2016, 09:55 PM
GO FOR IT!! I know you can do the job.

snippet
April 27th, 2016, 10:06 PM
I would apply.

But.

Do not be discouraged if you don't get it.

If you do get it and start to feel overwhelmed, remember all that you have been through and that YOU.ARE.STILL.HERE.LIVING.AND.BREATHING. And you'll get through this job too because it's just 18 months.

I hope you get the job!

MayinJerset
April 27th, 2016, 10:10 PM
Someone wrote "perhaps the university will want to have you take some classes to get the necessary degree. Why wouldn't they?"

Don't know about Canada but here in US college employees and their family members can take several courses a semester at almost no cost. That's how DH and I finished getting our degrees. Unfortunately our sons had already finished college and grad school by the time I got my job at the college.

Good Luck to you with whatever you decide to do.

sherriequilts
April 28th, 2016, 05:00 AM
Here's my 2 cents and I'm not judging you in anyway .. Everyone responds to situations differently. My forever husband was suspended from work (unfairly) for a week ... He needed weekly counseling to overcome the rejection he felt. I left my first husband over 9 years ago..he pretended he was upset but within 2 months of our separation was on Internet dating sites and seeing different women. We weren't divorced! So my decision to leave was right. Didn't make me feel any better. So I took a year off .. Just went to work, took care of my daughter and rejected any well meaning friends suggestions of potential dates. When I changed jobs, I met my now forever husband. I needed that year to be open to new possibilities, accept possible rejection and still be ok with myself.
If you want this new job ... You need to be ready for the company to say no. Or if you get the job, you need to be strong enough to tell them I will do new job but I won't do new job plus my previous responsibilities. And in 18 months ... Are you going to be ok with not being the in charge person ...?
Only you in your situation can answer what's best for you... Because that's what it comes down to. What is best for you.. I wish you all the best .. Divorce is just ugly .. No matter how awful the marriage. Whether you find the new perfect job or a new husband or new home ... The best thing you can do is take care of yourself first. Sounds selfish but truly it's not.. Because when your insides are healthy you can take on anything!! Wishing you only the best:)

amartin24
April 28th, 2016, 09:49 AM
I wish you all the best in all of this. I definitely wouldn't want to be in your shoes. The way I see it, it looks like a great opportunity for you to move on personally and professionally. You appear to be tying all your self-worth on this jerk of a husband. After someone did that to you and treated you badly, discarded you so easily - why would you pine for someone like that? And, most importantly, when you are crying over things he did, what are you showing your son? That you miss your ex and really would like that relationship back even though he treated you like dirt? You might be unintentionally teaching your son that it is ok to be a man/husband/ like his dad was.
The other thing I would suggest (being on the professional side myself), is what someone else said, get complete honest approval and the go-ahead from your boss as to whether they think you would be a good fit for this job. So, with that approval only, if you go for the job; be ready to go for it 100%. If you get into a few months or so and feel it isn't right for you or you have to take off work again for anxiety, I'm sorry but you will look worse and more incompetent to your boss. If you are ready to completely go for it, I think it would be the best thing for you, but you have to be ready to put your personal stuff aside and devote whole-heartedly to this job (of course, your son too). Oh yes, please don't put Liam in the middle of your personal battles. Easy to do when we are emotional, but very hard for them to recover from. Best of luck to you in your decision. This is a big turning point in your life.

Here are a few encouraging quotes:
Keep moving forward, you can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

3 Simple rules in life: 1) If you do not go after what you want, you'll never have it. 2) If you do not ask, the answer will always be No. 3) If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place.

Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things, it just means you have to Accept what happened, and continue living.

Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

The first step toward getting somewhere is deciding that you are not going to stay where you are.

WendyI
April 28th, 2016, 03:00 PM
Wendy,
There was one thing I noticed in the comment to Kaydee that maybe you should think about. It's the comment about your EX talking to you thru your son Liam.....You shouldn't do this. You should never burden a child ( even an adult child ) with adult issues. If you are talking out loud about your ex in Liam's presence, I would advise you to stop.
I am sure that you are very hurt over what happened to you with your EX, but move on. Find a new hobby. Maybe there's a class in your area that you can take. Volunteer. You should find something new to do where you would make new friends.
There really is life after a divorce etc. ( My sister can attest to this, she has been divorced 3 times ! ) .....
Make a list of new things you want to do in your life, and start your life anew.

Last but not least, get a cheap spiral notebook and start writing down your feelings each day. Getting your issues out on paper is really good for you !
Take care.....
((((( BIG HUGS )))))


I must say that you CANNOT be talking thru Liam. Its not his separation! He cannot be held to this level of parenting. Get your act together. Stop using your love as a crutch. He is GONE. Move on. Stop the madness. You are creating your own stress. Divorce is never fun , but It just doesn't have to consume you. Why would you want someone that doesn't want you.

Ok...first...my ex was not an a$$hole. He loved me but is having a mid-life crisis and THINKS that this is what he wants now - I love you but I'm not IN love with you crap. Maybe one day he will wake up and realize what he has lost but by then it will be far too late...it is already. I would likely not take him back now as much as I still love him. We do not hate each other, but in order for me to move on and heal, I need to not have him in my life. Do I have periods of anger? Absolutely! Do I say things to him I shouldn't? Of course. Which is why it is so important for me to have my things and be able to cut ties with him as much as possible.

Second... I NEVER talk about my ex in front of my son, and would NEVER bad mouth his father to him EVER. I value their relationship and would NEVER, EVER take that out away from my son. When I say that his dad can communicate through Liam it's about things like, can he stay an extra night, or does Liam need a new pair of shoes. Liam is old enough to have that conversation with his dad. His dad doesn't need to talk to me about it. If there are urgent things, like Liam is in trouble or sick, then I would of course have no choice but to speak to his father. If there are issues revolving anything to do with parenting, then we will have a discussion. However, it will be as little contact as possible because it is what I need to be healthy and take care of my emotional well-being.

As for the divorce "consuming me", as someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, "moving on" is not always as simple as just that. I work very hard every day to manage my symptoms and not let them overwhelm my life. My ex was my best and only friend, as well as my partner in life. I was blind-sided by what happened and it has been incredibly painful to realize that he didn't love me as I thought. I am doing so much better now but I do have days where things are difficult. He knows me well enough to know that using her truck, even though I suggested it in anger, would hurt me...but he felt it was worth it to get me my things. Fine. I am happy to have my things but I have a right to be hurt when episodes like this happen. I cried. I dealt with it. And now I'm trying to move on. Once these things are done, I will be fine.

amartin24
April 28th, 2016, 04:34 PM
I take back what I said about taking on this new job if it is available for you. I don't think you are ready to take on anything like that. From the sound of it, you are not over your ex and are still very emotionally attached; obvious when you make excuses for him and don't see his faults; only his good traits. Sorry to be so harsh, but I'm rolling my eyes here. We ARE trying to help you!

fatquarters
April 28th, 2016, 07:09 PM
Well Wendy....you certainly got lots of opinions! I don't have one, I just want to say that you should do whatever feels right for YOU!

WendyI
April 29th, 2016, 09:59 AM
I take back what I said about taking on this new job if it is available for you. I don't think you are ready to take on anything like that. From the sound of it, you are not over your ex and are still very emotionally attached; obvious when you make excuses for him and don't see his faults; only his good traits. Sorry to be so harsh, but I'm rolling my eyes here. We ARE trying to help you!

I am not "making excuses" for him at all. We do not, and never have had, a combative relationship. He is the father of my son and if I loved and respected him enough to have a child with him, that's not going to change because he's having some kind of mid-life melt-down. He has hurt me more than anyone in my life ever has, but I know he is not a bad person and I refuse to hate him because he fell out of love with me and decided he wanted different things in life. This is why it is so difficult for me to move on and stop caring for him. Although this has been going on for some time, the real break only occurred in December of 2015 when I found out about her and realized that he wasn't going to "snap out of it". So realistically, it has only been 4 months since I realized that my "marriage" was truly over. I challenge you to recover from something so traumatic after only 4 months.

All that being said, I am back at work and finally enjoying it. My anxiety is gone along with the supervisor who was mostly responsible for it. I am very good at my job and after 25 years have the skills and knowledge to perform any task I am given. I spoke with my boss yesterday and she is very open to my taking on at least half if not more, of the responsibilities of that position, so it was good for me to talk to her.

I SO appreciate all the advice you have given and that you all have been there for me through this nightmare that has become my new life. I am getting through it and am now having more good days than bad. But since he was my entire world along with my son, I don't have many people to turn to....you all have been so incredibly supportive and it has helped immensely. But I don't want anyone to have the impression that my ex is a monster because he is not - he is my sons father. I know this has been difficult for him but he was lucky enough to meet someone else and move on. Does that devastate me? Absolutely. Do I think he will be happier in the long run...absolutely not. Women grieve, men replace. It's just how things go. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

auntiemern
April 30th, 2016, 02:19 AM
Do what your heart tells you to do. It is one of those things that no one else can really advise you on. Only you know what you are mentally ready for, or if you want to put yourself through this. Go get em if that is what you want. I will root you on. :)

LauraP
May 1st, 2016, 01:11 AM
sounds to me like you are pretty together and have a good grasp of what you are doing. You are right, divorce is not easy no matter why or "who's fault" it is. Take your time, breath and believe in yourself because it sounds like you are doing a great job.
Kids roll with the punches and they are a lot smarter than adults think. Liam will be okay as long as both his parents are. He will eventually decide for himself what happened. Hope you enjoy the job.