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LindaKay75
April 22nd, 2016, 04:10 PM
This topic has nothing to do with quilting but I'll post it anyway. I'm sure some of you have faced this problem, it seems to be common these days. Question: How do you get rid of an x-wife, excluding murder, :D.

What a pest!!! I am definitely not a friend of hers. She just can't seem to understand that she is no longer part of the family. She just pops up at family weddings, funerals, hospital visits, and birthday bashes, uninvited and acts like she's still part of the family. She knows I don't like her so maybe she does it out of spite. I've been happily married for 25 years and I just wish she would go away and get a life. Very complicated situation and after 25 years I have had enough. Any solutions?

K. McEuen
April 22nd, 2016, 04:29 PM
If she hasn't stopped in 25 years, she isn't going to. It is on your husband and his family to say something to her, not you.

meliswan
April 22nd, 2016, 04:46 PM
Restraining order?

auntiemern
April 22nd, 2016, 04:47 PM
My DH's ex has been know to do this as well. Doesn't bother me though because I intimidate her, not the other way around. Once she see's me, and I smile and engage her in convo...she disappears soon after that. But it is your hubby's place to say something to her, or doesn't it bother him and his family?

Hulamoon
April 22nd, 2016, 05:12 PM
How long were they married? Seems like he can't let go either.

Neller
April 22nd, 2016, 05:17 PM
Did she have children with your husband? If so, then for some things you are stuck with her. I know what you mean though, my brother's ex-wife wants to be included in our family doings and it bugs me. Last year, my brother (who hasn't remarried) wanted to invite her to Thanksgiving with the rest of the family at MY house and I put my foot down and said no. She didn't want to be married to him, so in my eyes, she didn't want to be part of the extended family either. I'm under no obligation to include her at my house.

LindaKay75
April 22nd, 2016, 05:18 PM
If she hasn't stopped in 25 years, she isn't going to. It is on your husband and his family to say something to her, not you.

You're right, it should have been stopped before it got started, from day 1. On a couple occasions my husband has told her to get lost. As far as rest of the family, they have nothing to do with her at all and avoids her at any family gatherings. This is a strange woman that doesn't get the message.

ilive2craft2
April 22nd, 2016, 05:22 PM
Are there kids involved? That always complicates things. Both of my brothers got divorced the same year. We have had their kids weddings, baby showers etc and have seen the exes at that type of thing and both came to the funerals of our parents. They were part of the family for 25 years and even though things are different, they are still an extended part of the family due to the kids.

We don't invite them to stuff for our kids and they don't show up uninvited, so as long as it is in relation to the kids that they are the moms of, I would be ok with it, unless she is causing problems during the visits. Life is short and family baggage is part of it.

quiltsRfun
April 22nd, 2016, 05:26 PM
Does she get invitations to weddings? How does she find out about hospital stays? Sounds like she may fbe in touch with someone in the family. Is she friends with other family members?

Judy, USMC
April 22nd, 2016, 05:38 PM
On a couple occasions my husband has told her to get lost. As far as rest of the family, they have nothing to do with her at all and avoids her at any family gatherings. This is a strange woman that doesn't get the message.

Some people don't get the hint ... and as long as no one tells her point blank ... she won't "get it" and will continue to appear. If the host/hostess won't kick her out/ask her to leave I'm sure she assumes no one has a problem with her being there ... after all it's been OK for the last 25 years.

If she shows up at your event you have every right to tell her to get lost.

LindaKay75
April 22nd, 2016, 06:06 PM
How long were they married? Seems like he can't let go either.

Husband has told her to get lost. He let go of her day he left her. Reason for their divorce she cheated on him. She's just crazy. Rest of the family ignores her when she shows up. Guess they don't care to get too involved. I may have to divorce my husband to get rid of her, ha.

LindaKay75
April 22nd, 2016, 06:11 PM
Are there kids involved? That always complicates things. Both of my brothers got divorced the same year. We have had their kids weddings, baby showers etc and have seen the exes at that type of thing and both came to the funerals of our parents. They were part of the family for 25 years and even though things are different, they are still an extended part of the family due to the kids.

We don't invite them to stuff for our kids and they don't show up uninvited, so as long as it is in relation to the kids that they are the moms of, I would be ok with it, unless she is causing problems during the visits. Life is short and family baggage is part of it.

There is one adopted son who is divorced and so happens his ex-wife is still friends with his mother. So that is how she finds out about happenings in the family. What a dysfunctional family huh, ha.

Hulamoon
April 22nd, 2016, 07:33 PM
There is one adopted son who is divorced and so happens his ex-wife is still friends with his mother. So that is how she finds out about happenings in the family. What a dysfunctional family huh, ha.

Why in the heck is his still talking to his ex and telling family goings on? There's the problem right there it seems. Or is he telling the mother?

Sandy Navas
April 22nd, 2016, 09:20 PM
See if you can find a gift package of all the "REBA" TV show recordings and send it to her anonymously.

jjkaiser
April 22nd, 2016, 09:34 PM
Seems to me you and your dh have to approach her together and tell her flat out you are not invited, can I walk you to your car on whatever the occasion. Let her know she is not welcome, you owe her no explanation, case closed and there's nothing further to discuss. You have to allow her to attend weddings or funerals I suppose but if she shows up at a relative house she needs to be told she is crossing the line. Sounds like everyone tolerated her behavior this far by just ignoring the situation and "hoping" she will go away. You are way past tough love here. You need to be much more firm and outspoken.

CraftySweetPeas
April 22nd, 2016, 09:52 PM
She was married two times before....once to MY husband....hahaha....I feel for 'ya, Girl!! She's one messed up sugarplum, huh? I swear it's GOTTA be the same woman!! There canNOT be two as twisted as the one I know...

LindaKay75
April 22nd, 2016, 11:30 PM
She was married two times before....once to MY husband....hahaha....I feel for 'ya, Girl!! She's one messed up sugarplum, huh? I swear it's GOTTA be the same woman!! There canNOT be two as twisted as the one I know...

CraftySweetPeas that is so funny!!!!!! I bet there's more out there we just don't know about, ha. Thanks for the laugh.

LindaKay75
April 22nd, 2016, 11:33 PM
See if you can find a gift package of all the "REBA" TV show recordings and send it to her anonymously.

So funny!!!!!!!!! I wish I wasn't such a nice person.

CraftySweetPeas
April 22nd, 2016, 11:39 PM
CraftySweetPeas that is so funny!!!!!! I bet there's more out there we just don't know about, ha. Thanks for the laugh.

Maybe there are, but you and I will always know that "our's" is their leader....bwahahahaha!!!!

redcaboose1717
April 23rd, 2016, 01:30 AM
You're right, it should have been stopped before it got started, from day 1. On a couple occasions my husband has told her to get lost. As far as rest of the family, they have nothing to do with her at all and avoids her at any family gatherings. This is a strange woman that doesn't get the message.

You would think that if the rest of the family ignores her, she would get the message, but obviously she hasn't. It's up the your DH's Family to take her aside and tell her. Sounds like your husband and his family need to get together and keep the family outing etc. mum so she doesn't find out what's going on.
Then too, maybe if your DH talked to her ( and of course she isn't going to like this ) and told her that she can come to the family gatherings ONLY if she is invited. Then, occasionally invite her to things....and taper her invites off. From what you have said, tapering her visits will of course take time.
My sister had a ex-SIL similar to this. Finally my dad and sister had a talk with the SIL. Sure she wasn't happy, but she got the message that she could only show up to the family gathering she was invited to. After awhile, she quit coming to the family gatherings. I haven't seen her at a family gathering in 6-7 yrs now. She is a cashier at a local big box store in our area, and occasionally I do get in her line and make polite chit-chat. A couple of other family member do the same, and I think she gets enough family gossip that way to keep her happy.

grammaterry
April 23rd, 2016, 01:39 AM
We went to a family reunion after moving back to the state my husband was from. We were a relatively newlymarried couple then. THe x had always attended all the family functions with the children. Once they were grown, we went to the family reunion and she was not invited. My mother in law said everyone missed seeing the x. I just looked at my mother in law, (who, incidently was a second wife as well) and said, "how would you feel if your husbands 1st wife had come" That put an end to it.

easyquilts
April 23rd, 2016, 08:01 AM
It seems to me that this woman needs to be sat down and have thungs explained to her....by your husband..... He should not allow her to upset you...his present wife.... He needs to man up, and set his X straight... Nothing else will work...

Patio Gal
April 23rd, 2016, 08:36 AM
Oh My!!!! I just thought I had problems......you ladies are all saints to deal with this!
I'm sure quilting helps....:)

LindaKay75
April 23rd, 2016, 10:13 AM
It seems to me that this woman needs to be sat down and have thungs explained to her....by your husband..... He should not allow her to upset you...his present wife.... He needs to man up, and set his X straight... Nothing else will work...

Thank you, thank you, and thank you. I couldn't agree more. I think hubby is going to get an ear full today, hee.

Carolyn
April 23rd, 2016, 11:16 AM
If she hasn't stopped in 25 years, she isn't going to. It is on your husband and his family to say something to her, not you.
Agree completely!

snippet
April 23rd, 2016, 01:02 PM
Yep your husband needs to be strong with her and point-blank. And at the next gathering, he needs to be on door duty and stop her from stepping a foot into the house. Reinforce what he already told her.

My sister is almost one of these. She doesn't go to every event, but she does get invited to a few family gatherings and will go. I think they invite her because the son tells her about it and they invite her out of politeness. In the beginning, she said she went because her sons were there also and they wanted her to go. But now the boys are in their 20's so she can't use that excuse. I would never attend my ex-family's events. It's the ex-husband's job to bring the kids and deal with them.

rebeccas-sewing
April 23rd, 2016, 02:00 PM
Note to self: Never marry a divorced man. There have been three divorces on Joe's side of the family. Each one was a nightmare and the new wives and spouses definitely paid for it. I mean that figuratively and literally. Of course, that doesn't help your situation. I guess I'm with everyone who has said your husband should let her know she's not welcome. I'm assuming she has not re- married. I can't imagine she'd be showing up on occasions where she knows she's not welcome if she had a new spouse. If you don't mind my asking, why are you just now getting around to telling your husband to confront her and tell her she's not welcome? No judgement - just curious.

kaydee
April 23rd, 2016, 10:39 PM
TShe just pops up at family weddings, funerals, hospital visits, and birthday bashes, uninvited and acts like she's still part of the family.

How do you know she's uninvited? Sounds like your husband needs to talk to his mother who might very well be inviting her. My husband has a brother and sister-in-law who invite their former son-in-law to all their family events. Their daughter isn't happy, but since she doesn't host these events, there's not much she can do -- besides not show up herself -- which she has done.

Hulamoon
April 24th, 2016, 01:35 AM
How do you know she's uninvited? Sounds like your husband needs to talk to his mother who might very well be inviting her. My husband has a brother and sister-in-law who invite their former son-in-law to all their family events. Their daughter isn't happy, but since she doesn't host these events, there's not much she can do -- besides not show up herself -- which she has done.

That's a good theory; I would love to hear how this comes out.

My dh was divorced when we married and the ex was a crazy lady. But we lived together at first. She came over and stole his car keys. He went out and slapped her and the next thing I was bailing him out. I could go on with more. Now I go to my stepdd's for Thanksgiving or other parties and we are besties. The first time that happened everyone was staring at us in disbelief, We sat together all night laughing.

I don't remember were the shift started except I told her you are their (2 kids) mom. I'm not trying to steal them from you. I think this lady is lonely and doesn't know how to deal with it.

MayinJerset
April 24th, 2016, 05:11 AM
Lorie - Reminds me of my cousin's remark about her ex's new wife - "If it wasn't for him (her ex) the gal and I could be good friends.

kaydee
April 24th, 2016, 02:29 PM
I don't remember were the shift started . . .

Did it start before he moved into the tent? ;)

All kidding aside, I can kind of see the other side. Like my BIL and SIL said, their son-in-law was part of their family for 20 years, he is the father of their grandchildren, they like/love him and just because their daughter decided to leave him, doesn't mean they're ending their relationship with him. It gets a little more complicated than that, but those are the underlying reasons why they keep inviting him.

At this point, after 25 years, I suggest Linda Kay might want to think about the possible ramifications of pushing the issue -- it might just makes things worse in other ways. Besides, Linda, there are very few large family events where everyone is pleased with the presence of every other person in the room -- even when divorce isn't involved.

Dollyquilts
April 24th, 2016, 03:14 PM
Have an attorney write her a letter telling her she will be formally trespassed at the next event she attends uninvited. And who says she can show up at weddings. Those are expensive events, seating is often limited, and the refreshments are provided by headcount. I bet the cops would only have to show up once. If you send the letter before a relatively informal event and then follow through with the threat, that would probably end it. What a head case!

LindaKay75
April 24th, 2016, 06:55 PM
Note to self: Never marry a divorced man. There have been three divorces on Joe's side of the family. Each one was a nightmare and the new wives and spouses definitely paid for it. I mean that figuratively and literally. Of course, that doesn't help your situation. I guess I'm with everyone who has said your husband should let her know she's not welcome. I'm assuming she has not re- married. I can't imagine she'd be showing up on occasions where she knows she's not welcome if she had a new spouse. If you don't mind my asking, why are you just now getting around to telling your husband to confront her and tell her she's not welcome? No judgement - just curious.

That's quite alright you being curious. We have had many quarrels over this. He has told her on several occasions to get lost but she just doesn't listen. She still thinks in her mind she is part of the family, due to them having two adopted sons together, one has passed away other lives on our property. It's a very long story that I cannot get into. My husband doesn't know what else to do with her. The other family members (his sisters) doesn't seem to be bothered by her showing up. It's a very dysfunctional family in my opinion. This x has never remarried but had a live-in boyfriend for several years and did not seem to start coming around until they parted. She's a lost soul. I'm working on finding her another boyfriend! The adopted son has agreed to speak to his mother, again. She never confronts me but I'm just sick of looking at her face............:icon_heh:

KarenC
April 24th, 2016, 07:20 PM
Wow! I guess I am fortunate that my former -in-laws are still cordial to me even though their brother decided to end our marriage. I have tried to always keep in mind that my ex is still the father of my children (grown now). If they are here for a holiday, he is usually invited so that the kids are not forced to split their time. Had my ex, his family and my family over the day after DD's wedding for a relaxing day of visiting, since we don't get to see each other. Maybe it's different because both of our families are out of state. Good luck to all, but personally I think the letter from an attorney sounds rather strong.

Hulamoon
April 24th, 2016, 07:33 PM
Did it start before he moved into the tent? ;)

Way before :)

Carolnnc
April 24th, 2016, 10:45 PM
DH and I both come from severely dysfunctional families and have been married 30 years. His ex AND her sister tried to cause problems in the beginning. After two family get- togethers from "you know where" with his ex-wife smirking at me from across the room I told DH that he was welcome to attend all his family functions but I would not go. He looked at me in horror and said, "if you aren't going then I'm not going. I need you to protect me from those people!" I laughed and told him I had his back but he needed his spine to deal with the crazies because it wasn't my place. I stood my ground and didn't go to the next few events. Soon after he quit going to everything ,even Thanksgiving and Christmas and this lasted for many years. Eventually his mom and the ex got into a row and the ex moved on to find others to harass. I feel bad when I see others going through this, it was painful and upsetting for me.

Hulamoon
April 24th, 2016, 11:03 PM
DH and I both come from severely dysfunctional families and have been married 30 years. His ex AND her sister tried to cause problems in the beginning. After two family get- togethers from "you know where" with his ex-wife smirking at me from across the room I told DH that he was welcome to attend all his family functions but I would not go. He looked at me in horror and said, "if you aren't going then I'm not going. I need you to protect me from those people!" I laughed and told him I had his back but he needed his spine to deal with the crazies because it wasn't my place. I stood my ground and didn't go to the next few events. Soon after he quit going to everything ,even Thanksgiving and Christmas and this lasted for many years. Eventually his mom and the ex got into a row and the ex moved on to find others to harass. I feel bad when I see others going through this, it was painful and upsetting for me.

What an exellent idea. Go out with your friends or out to a movie. I really like this one.