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View Full Version : Does your dd ask for parenting advice?



Hulamoon
April 9th, 2016, 02:58 AM
My grandson is almost 6 mos old and my dd hasn't asked me for advice once. I either did a really great job of raising her or ? I was sort of waiting for that call, mom... I so didn't want to hover over her, but I feel a little obsolete at the moment.

K. McEuen
April 9th, 2016, 03:11 AM
My daughter doesn't have any kids, so no. I never asked my mom.

just4me
April 9th, 2016, 04:37 AM
Funny feeling isn't it? Two of my daughters have children and neither have asked for much advice from me at all. They seem to get all the advice they need from the internet, ( on line support groups and organisations) , mothers' groups and friends. Poor old mums' advice is usually considered "out of touch/old fashioned" and whilst they may occassionaly invite me to offer an opinion on advice they have found elsewhere and are going to act on, my advice is rarely used or seriously considered. I like to think I have a close relationship with both of them and if that means I have to bite my tongue then that's what I do.

RockinLou
April 9th, 2016, 06:18 AM
I never ask my mom for advice, mostly I never did as the kids were infants because I didn't want to upset her if I chose not to follow it, so I went with a better safe than sorry approach on things I asked my mom.

My mom wasn't supportive of my marriage and caused a ridiculous amount of drama when my first was born. We've patched our relationship up, and she is an active Nana, but between she and I things will never be the same, and I never turn to her for advice.

My mom is not obsolete, she loves her grandkids and plays with them, gives them hugs, and kisses, and is a reliable house sitter and babysitter, but no, I don't go to her for advice. I also don't go to my bossy, over-bearing sister. I have one sister who I went to for a long time, but not much anymore... they've grown more distant as they've become absorbed in their childrens' lives.

I'm not sure of your relationship with your daughter, but I thought I'd give my perspective.

latterberry
April 9th, 2016, 07:07 AM
Oh, don't feel bad. I think that is the trend now. There is so much advice on the internet that it is almost like the kid comes with an instruction manual. I offered a few things of advice when my grandbabies were born and quickly found out that you don't raise babies the same way anymore. It's a wonder our own kids survived. I was told that you NEVER let new babies sleep on their tummys, you can't use bumper pads, they can't wear a jacket in their car seat, you can't cover them up with a quilt, etc..... My grandkids are 11, 8, and 5 and have turned out just great and I like to think that even if their parents don't ask for advice, they are still raising them with the same values that they grew up with.

Iris Girl
April 9th, 2016, 07:08 AM
I always went to my Mom for advice we had a wonderful relationship and I valued her opinions. I miss her very much. Yesterday was the 22 anniversary of her being gone :(

Snip Snip
April 9th, 2016, 08:34 AM
I don't have any daughters but one of my sons found himself in the position of raising his two little girls. He did ask for advice from me as a mom and as a mental health professional. Now he is in a relationship with another woman and they have a child. I don't get asked for advice much, but I don't get the impression they would get mad if I gave it.
Being a grandma is hard in some ways. You want to help, but your kids have to do things their own way.

Claire OneStitchAtATime
April 9th, 2016, 09:05 AM
Like Latterberry says, safety standards have changed a lot, so I never asked my mother for much advice; and I nursed and she fed formula (which was current advice back in the day!) so there were a lot of differences in style. But,
Lorie, I did follow her parenting example, of parenting with lots of love and support. Your daughter has learned more from you than you know, even if she doesn't ask for your opinion.

MayinJerset
April 9th, 2016, 10:04 AM
Mother of 3 sons so if DIL's wanted advice they may have gone to their mothers.
I didn't go to my mother as I was the oldest of 7 and I had plenty of hands on experience when I had my children.

3 DGD's have children and everything is different to say the least, mid-wives, at home deliveries, make our own organic foods as well as new safety rules that this great grandma concentrates on the enjoying the great grandkids and doesn't say a word.

grammaterry
April 9th, 2016, 11:18 AM
Your daughter wants you to see that she is a perfect mom. She won't ask for advice because that would indicate that she isn't as capable as you were. If you see something that you think would help her out, just anecdote a story of when she was a baby, and had colic for instance, this is what worked and if she tries it fine. My son has full custody of his two and sometimes when I would be on the phone and hear the two year old making sounds, I would suggest that she might be hungry. His response was that they had had a big lunch just 4 hours ago. I told him her stomach was so little that 4 hours was an eternity and if he was so busy, perhaps he could put out little bowls of cheerios and fruit that she could get for herself. Wasn't long before she was heating leftovers in the microwave for herself. Children adapt. The daughters want me to see that they are self sufficient and doing great. Occassionally when they are raging mad about the state of their daughters rooms I remind them how I yelled at them about the same thing and let them know that it is just the way children are.

shermur
April 9th, 2016, 12:24 PM
She used to....a lot! Not that grandson is 15.5 months old....not as much. Mainly when grandson is sick and not acting himself. I'm sure once he turns two, there will be more phone calls.....

bakermom
April 9th, 2016, 12:59 PM
DD does once in a while, but DIL does more often. I don't tell them what to do, just throw ideas out. usually they just want reassurance that whatever problem they are experiencing is normal. And to be able to vent without being judged. (I don't criticize their ways)I think parents today are more educated/up to date on childcare than we were.

alliek
April 9th, 2016, 01:02 PM
My two sons are married. Between them have six girls. Love them all. Advice??? Not at all. I don't think my DIL's asked their mom's either. Frankly I don't think one of them would have appreciated my advice on saying the word "no" or how a child should act. BUT they are all grown now, lovely and graduating from H.S. or college. I guess they managed without my wise advice!:icon_tape::icon_rofl:

Carolnnc
April 9th, 2016, 01:53 PM
Youngest son is single parent of a beautiful 5 year old little girl and he lives 5 states away from me. He does call for advice but uses the internet quite a bit if he is stuck. I know I'm in for an hour of soothing daddy when he calls and says: "I'm not a girl, I don't know what to do!" My best friend raised his daughter alone and he was always telling me his mom was a godsend because she answered questions without judging or giving advice.

Quentin the quilter
April 9th, 2016, 02:13 PM
If I have learned anything from family and the Daughter - Mother relationship is, Grandmothers/Mothers tend to often give advice when not asked. Therefore you may be giving advice and not even realizing it and, the daughter actually may be taking some without you being aware of it.

Also, as children, they really pick up habits of the parents. They mock them with their actions. If you are a good person and instilled that in your child, you have nothing to worry about as you set the example early for her and now she will make that life eternal through her children.

Kat Smith
April 9th, 2016, 02:24 PM
These are very different times, I asked my Mom all the time for advise but there is so much more available now for Mother's, play groups, Mother's groups, Nursing groups, Nursing specialists, Nutrition Groups, Public Health Nurse, and those are just the ones available in the community. Then there is the internet, Hospital resource lines like, here we have Health links , you can call and get advise from nurses. My Daughter asks sometimes but unfortunately, that was not a good time in our marriage and I find I don't remember a lot of the things she asks. I guess I was just surviving. However if she does ask and I can't remember, we discuss the options that are available, I may not be able to answer, but I can help find a resource.
Sounds to me, Lori, that you raised a very confident young woman, which means you get to enjoy being Grandma without the excess worry. Haha, that's kind of an oxymoron isn't it Grandma and not worry HAHA.
Kathy

Hulamoon
April 9th, 2016, 04:39 PM
Thanks everyone for your insght and support. I don't have any family and was feeling sorry for myself. I would love to feel more needed. lol I feel better. Thanks:)

Doloris
April 9th, 2016, 05:33 PM
you are in a catch 22 Lori. You want to be needed more, but can also be proud of yourself and her that she is doing so well. It is always a good feeling to be needed,. my nieces will ask me sometimes, and I give suggestions about what I think might work for their problem, and they usually say "that's what I was thinking, but just wanted to check". As long as the grandson is healthy and happy, just sit back and enjoy being grandma

MaryUK
April 9th, 2016, 07:16 PM
My daughter used to ask me for advice when my grandson was young but I always used (and still do if asked) 'I used to do..... but things may now have changed' that would then give her an out if she didn't want to take my advice.

She does tend to ask me for a lot of advice where education is concerned. She is studying for her 2nd Masters degree and as a lot of the subject was part of my paid job (until I took a much less stressful job around 6 years ago) it makes sense.

I read a quote some time ago and it always makes me smile:

"If I'd known that having grandchildren was going to be so much fun, I would have had them first!!"

Just enjoy your time with your child and grandchild.

jjkaiser
April 9th, 2016, 07:58 PM
I asked my mom for advice all the time! I didn't always follow it but I wanted to know I was on the right track when something came up. I have two daughters that are moms. One lives out of state and asks my advice all the time--and I think for validation that she is not doing things wrong. My other daughter lives in town and never asks my advice. She has one child, a 5 yo daughter, and it drives me absolutely crazy she takes her to the doctor or the E.R. for so much as a hiccup. Sometimes a cold is just a cold and your kids are going to be under the weather for a couple days. I never ran my kids to the doctor constantly even if they were running a fever. Is this a new trend??

MayinJerset
April 9th, 2016, 08:39 PM
Lorie, You may have a long wait. None of my DIL's asked me for any advice but I just received an email from my oldest DGD asking for some, she is expecting her 2nd child in June,. She often asks me how her Dad (DS#1) was when he was a baby.

easyquilts
April 9th, 2016, 10:39 PM
My daughter has four dons, ranging from 17, down to almost ten... I don't think she has ever seriously asked me for advice... She's a great mother, though.... Either because of me, or in spite of me...

SallyO'Sews
April 12th, 2016, 02:42 PM
We have NINE grandchildren (via 3 of our children), and I rarely am asked for advice. Maybe they're afraid I'll give it if asked! :icon_razz: Happily, all my boys married wonderful women who are great moms. That said, when DIL was in labor for the 1st time, DS#7 called to ask when they should go to the hospital. She is one of five children all born by C-section, so he told me they thought I might know better than her mom. :D

My advice is that you just love on them, and don't feel hurt about them not asking advice. Best thing about being a grandmother!! Enjoy!

Dollyquilts
April 12th, 2016, 03:19 PM
My daughter asks for my advice but mostly when the girls are ill. The DGDs are 17 1/2 and 14 1/2 now.