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Hulamoon
February 1st, 2016, 02:25 AM
My youngest on the Big Island want's to move back in with her boyfriend. I told her no, it's to much stress with her dad already. She is coming to vist this month and said we'll talk about it. I don't want to do this again. Her dad is going to say 'don't you want to help her out?' He didn't have to live through living with the last boyfriend of my oldest, who hates me because he caused a lot of problems. Lazy butt. This one is saying it won't be like that mom.

She sucks up to her dad and I can see already getting caught in the middle and losing what peace I have left.

I'm so stressed.

sewlucky
February 1st, 2016, 02:27 AM
Stick to your decision. She could always move into the tent with dad ;)

jjkaiser
February 1st, 2016, 02:52 AM
Oh I have been there in the middle so many times, and I agree it is not a happy place. Somehow it makes you feel ganged up on from all sides. Stick to your decision and don't feel guilty. I don't know how old your daughter is, but if she is old enough to know better then tell her if things don't work out with the bf then she is on her own you will not be there to pick up the pieces and let her move back in with you. Time for her to grow up already and stop making the same mistakes.

stationarymom
February 1st, 2016, 02:55 AM
Lorie I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed,but I can understand why.Stick to your guns and if her father isn't happy with it let them live with him.

Hulamoon
February 1st, 2016, 03:00 AM
She's 25. I moved here at 21 and asked if I could move back in ( to calif) and my mom said no too. To think of two adults moving in at this point would put me over. Her dad is still thinking she's a kid.

stationarymom
February 1st, 2016, 03:37 AM
Lorie my kids are 29 and 25 and my Dh also thinks of them as just that kids.So we have a lot of disagreements and I am seen as mean but the truth is my kids are Adult children.I have to remind the dh of that often.

shawnan
February 1st, 2016, 04:10 AM
One option might be to let the daughter move in but not the boyfriend.

Nancy

Hulamoon
February 1st, 2016, 04:15 AM
One option might be to let the daughter move in but not the boyfriend.

Nancy

They have been together four yeats and he doesn't know any one here. It's not like a city where they get apartments.

K. McEuen
February 1st, 2016, 04:18 AM
Charge them rent. They will change their minds.

Neller
February 1st, 2016, 04:54 AM
Lorie, I'm sorry but I see a Judge Judy episode in your future. At 25, your daughter is old enough to plan for her move, save her money so that she has enough to get a place she can rent and most of all, have secure job prospects when she gets there. Good luck. My sons, in their late teens and early 20's came back home several times. It was always an exercise in frustration for me. Thank goodness they are now both settled in their own careers and housing.

bubba
February 1st, 2016, 05:11 AM
We let each of ours move back once. The oldest was 20 or so and when she left, it was ugly. I thought I'd never see Tyler again. The youngest moved back about the same age and didn't stay long and left on good terms.

When the two youngest girls were kidnapped, we let her come back because it was a safe place for her. We knew he wouldn't dare come to our house, and he didn't. She offered to pay rent without asking and gave us $400 a month. Thank goodness I was still working because utilities more than doubled, not to mention the food.....but they were all safe. I saved the money she paid and it got me my quartz countertops.

Stick to your guns......if you don't, charge rent!!!

Monique
February 1st, 2016, 08:39 AM
Your health is important Lorie. Stick to your guns, she is not a baby anymore. She could move to tent with Daddy.

Vonnie
February 1st, 2016, 09:35 AM
One of my brothers told me a horror story. His youngest daughter moved back home 6 times before she became financially stable.

MayinJerset
February 1st, 2016, 09:41 AM
" Stick to your guns......if you don't, charge rent!!! "

Ideally they can pay for your increased utility and household expenses but even a token amount of money would seal the deal. Also spelling out in advance what everyone's responsibilities are would help keep a lot of problems from developing. Friends who didn't have had many problems because the parent(s) and their DD did most of the work while the BF watches TV or plays games all day.

Monique has a good solution, they can pitch a tent next to Dad. Does he have cable?

JCY
February 1st, 2016, 11:22 AM
NO! NO! It's called Tough Love. Stick to your guns & don't give in.

Learner quilter
February 1st, 2016, 11:44 AM
I would let Daddy deal with it, you done it the last time. Time he took on some of the responsibilities of older children.

Altairss
February 1st, 2016, 11:49 AM
Unfortunately today it is very difficult for young 20 somethings to make a living. Many are working two to four part time jobs and still can't afford to get housing. Around here theres just not a lot of full time jobs that pay anything. I know many of my friends kids that had to temporarily move home. Big thing is ground rules and rent and a time limit.
Spell out exactly what they will pay, what chores will be theirs and that they will have to have curfews So they don't go out and come in really late and wake the household and check in so to speak. If they will be late send you a text or give you a call for courtesy.
My Best friend went nuts worrying when her DD moved home and then never told her when she would be home or if she would be home. It kept her up worrying all the time. So now they have rules lots of them its making her DD motivated to get out of the house again lol.

For example.
Rent 400
Plus Food 300 there is two of them that's expensive.

Carolnnc
February 1st, 2016, 12:44 PM
It is harder for young people to make it than it was for us. BUT they can learn to make do which makes them more confident. There is always someone (or a group of kids) who's looking for a room mate or room mates. The young kids who worked for me were very adept at making it with little or no help from mom and dad. One young man had 2 room mates and he worked 2 part time jobs which equaled 40 hours. He came into work one day so sick he could hardly stand up and I realized he didn't have money for a doctor's visit. I paid for the visit and meds in exchange for some yard work. We learned through hard knocks and struggle which made us strong and resilient but some reason we don't want our kids to learn how to successfully make it in life which makes them weak and lost.
When his wife kicked him out my stepson thought he was moving back in with us at age 35. I was astounded when his dad told him this was our home and he loved his privacy. His then told him he was old enough to figure out how to make his way in life. He told him he would be glad to give advice but no money and no bed. He was mad and shocked but found a guy who needed a room mate and made it just fine. If it was dire straits I'd let one of the kids come home for a short time but would never take in the boyfriend. You learn to become financially stable when you realize out no one is going to bail you out.
Things I remember from my 20s (I'm 60): eating beans and rice a lot, sleeping in my car for 6 months, shopping for clothes at the thrift shop, a room mate who never cleaned, learning how to change the oil in my car, getting a ticket for an expired inspection sticker and bald tires, not having a telephone or tv, working 2 part time jobs and smelling like greasy hamburgers.
There are mediators and therapists who can help you and your hubby get on the same page and make it a win-win for you both.
Good luck.

Suzette
February 1st, 2016, 12:46 PM
I feel for you. I get what a tough position you are in and there are no easy answers here. Were it me, and I did not want the stress of an adult child moving back in, I would do my best to be tough but loving in telling her no. My mom always told me it's not what you say, but how you say it. Perhaps telling her no then explaining why will help to alleviate hard feelings and allow her to understand your position. Even if she does not immediately respond well to being told no, the words you use now will stay with her and she may feel different down the line. Best of luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

grammaterry
February 1st, 2016, 12:59 PM
stick to your tough love status. I started to write an anecdotal story of my own daughter but you don't need to hear that. You already know the right answer. If your daughter is ever going to stand on her own, she needs the very foundation you are giving her. Let her know that she needs to make plans , including how she will get a job, housing, utilities and food. Once she has those things in place she can make the move. If she choses to support a boyfriend, that, of course, would be her decision because at that point, it would be her money. Once the move is made, you will be able to offer support in the way of having them over for dinner, maybe giving them some cast off kitchen supplies or furniture, (NEVER MONEY). You already know the right thing to do.

Hulamoon
February 1st, 2016, 01:07 PM
Thanks everyone for the support and advice :)

To clear something up..she's not coming back because of financial reasons, it's because she misses family and only comes twice a year. She has four nieces and two nephews all under nine years old. This house is just a convenience for her. Privacy is an issue too. My sewing area is in the living room along with the tv. It's a 24hr situation. It was okay when the girls were little and it was a happy family. That's just going to be the case if they move here.

grammaterry
February 1st, 2016, 01:21 PM
In that case , my dear Hulamoon, Just tell her you would love to have her move back closer, but the house is just not big enough for more full time adults living in a small space. A short visit is one thing, but routines are a necessary part of our old age. lol

Cool Breeze Quilter
February 1st, 2016, 01:34 PM
Stand your ground. You deserve peace from your decision and no arguments about it.

Kat Smith
February 1st, 2016, 02:13 PM
Ohhhhh, Lori, I feel for you! It's funny the difference in responses to your question and the ones I got last Aug when I asked if I was crazy for letting my oldest move in for a month. There was more of a mix of opinions, what is the difference. Maybe because there was a specific time limit, or because he was by himself? Well it turned in to 2 months and half of his stuff is still in our basement driving Hubby nuts. On the whole it was not to bad, he would call on his way home to see if I needed anything from the store, he did his own laundry, brought food once in awhile. He didn't mind me going in his room while he was at work (my sewing room) However, I found the longer he was here the more he started reverting back to when he was young and he started getting up later and later for work (self employed) not calling when he was going to be late. All the things we use to fight about when he was a teenager. Then there were the things like I would leave a cupboard door open cause I was coming right back and he would close it because he hates open cupboards, he started questioning why something was where it was, cause that is not where it goes. Things like I would come in from the store and leave a can on the counter because I got busy with something else and he would ask me why it was there? Near the end it got to "it's my house and I want it there". Yup, 2 months was enough!



You are a Mom and chances are you will change your mind especially if you feel guilty, guilt works wonders on some of us. My mother use to us it like a magic wand on me. I would suggest the following:
1) they both have to be working, and if they don't have a job then they work as hard at getting one as they would working one.
2) they help out around the house, do their own laundry and clean their own room, help with dishes and other chores. Make a list.
3) set a time limit for how long they can stay
4) they have to let you know when they are not coming home or they are going to be late. Yea, they are adults but it is common
courtesy, if you had other non family house guests they would do it without hesitation.
5) if you are giving up your sewing room, they have to be okay with you going in there while they are out.
6) I think that to charge rent or not is something you need to think about. If you charge rent will it take longer for them to get on
their feet and out, but they would for sure have to not wasting their money, and would have to contribute to groceries.

Those are my suggestions for what it's worth. I know there are people on here who have adult children living with them and they are thrilled about it and every situation is different, but you have to decided what is best for you. Good luck with the decision . I think I would be inclined to tell dear old Dad if he can't help to stay out of it.


Praying for you and your daughter to have level heads and understanding hearts
Kathy

rebeccas-sewing
February 1st, 2016, 02:17 PM
No, no, no, no!!! Tell your daughter to find her own place to live if she wants to live with her boyfriend. Stick to your guns. I would not stand for that. Tell your husband that this is your home as much as it is his. This can only happen if we both agree and I don't want this. Backbone, girl!!! As the Brits would say, "Of all the cheek!!!" In other words, your daughter has a helluva lot of nerve even asking for you to take not only her in but some guy. You could also tell your husband if he wants to pay for an apartment as well as your home he can move in it with the kids. Besides you are doing your daughter no service. Young people need to learn to stand on their own two feet.

source of joy
February 1st, 2016, 03:12 PM
Why does she need to move in with you? Are they not both young and able bodied and thus since they have flown the nest once, be able to fly on their own by now? Please don't let them all gang up against you, stick to your resolve. It will most likely be a huge stress for you, even if they're both working etc...the fact that there are two more people in the house means dynamics of relationships will have to be dealt with regardless.

ilive2craft2
February 1st, 2016, 03:26 PM
If it is because they want to move back to your island instead of the big island so they can be closer to family, I could see maybe doing a temporary well defined time limit - extended house guests - just them and no stuff. I think it would be easier for all involved if they just find a place on the island - then they are only moving once.

I think you have enough stress on your plate, so if an extended houseguest is not an option, saying No is an absolutely valid answer.

If Dad wants them, can they join them in his tent or put up their own tent next to his? That way he can deal with the day to day reality of having adult children in his space.

Many hugs as you go through all of this!

songbird857
February 1st, 2016, 03:38 PM
Ewwww Lorie - not a good feeling about this one. If she misses you that much, she and bf can get a place nearby. Are they the type where once they're in, you'll never get em out? Can you foresee them still living with you 2, 3, 4 years from now??? Much easier to say no now, then to get them to move out later.
As parents, we nurture and teach, then let them fly, barring any unpredictable life altering circumstances (which does not appear to be the case here...). Praying for you and this circumstance my friend ;)

Sylvia H
February 1st, 2016, 04:02 PM
My concern is that they will not follow rules set, they will not pay rent, they will not do the things they agreed to do. You know your daughter, is she responsible enough to follow rules and honorable enough to make sure the rent is paid and that they meet their other financial responsibilities? Will she and boyfriend move out at the stipulated time? While it is understandable that she misses her family, that is NOT a reason for your life to be disrupted. She obviously chose to move away, now she can figure out a way to come back without being an imposition.

As difficult as it may be to say no right now, it will be even more difficult to get them out of your home once they have overstayed their welcome. You can allow yourself to be guilted - or you can chose to do what is in your best interests. It is your choice. If you do not want them to move in, all you really need to do is say no. If you want to, you can explain your feelings as well, but that is not necessary. If you do explain yourself, do it only once. Tell them, and papa if necessary, that you are only going to explain yourself one time. Should anyone bring up the subject again, just remind them that you already gave your answer, and you are not going to discuss it further. Yep, they will try to guilt you, but if you don't respect yourself by standing up for yourself, no one else will either. Please understand that whenever anyone tries to guilt you, they are showing lack of respect toward you. It can be quiet amazing how others change their attitude when your finally stand up to them.

I had both of my children return home for specific periods of time. I was financially able to do so, and there were no significant others involved. I don't think I could have/would have done it if they wanted a roomie as well!

shirleyknot
February 1st, 2016, 04:04 PM
Been there. Done that. Do your sanity a HUGE favor and just say no. On the other hand, you could offer to help buy them a tent......

Midge
February 1st, 2016, 04:07 PM
How hard for you Lorie! I imagine that you view her moving back to your island as a very big plus for the long term and it would be great to have her closer to you. But only you know the degree of stress you are already living under with the husband's tent arrangement and the aftershocks of the other daughter's stay with you. From what you have written I imagine it is considerable. The real red flag here is the tagalong boyfriend, of course. Whatever you decide to do, and I hope you consider very carefully, cancelling out the 'joy effect' of her living close by, I suggest you find a diplomatic way to put on the brakes right now to talk this through long distance. For example, I suggest you have a long series of conversations with her and the BF about what they have been doing so far to plan for a big, expensive move. And by that I mean 3 way conversations on the phone. DO NOT - and I say this as a psychiatric professional who dealt with many family struggles - make the mistake of establishing conversation with the daughter who then relays things to the boyfriend. If you are inviting a relative stranger for any amount of time there must be direct conversation with him. What is he doing, what has he done and what are his plans? Do you even like him? Has there already been strain between you? If yes, I really urge you to think hard about it. You must b? brutally honest as you would not want any misunderstandings. For example, what dollar amount is already saved towards an apartment deposit and first month's rent? What amount have they saved towards food, insurance premiums, clothing, incidentals and spending money right now? If nothing, I think you will have a basis to begin an important teaching moment for her. If they have saved nothing now while employed, they can save nothing when not employed.

Bottom line, she needs to demonstrate a serious adult's attitude and planning toward this move. And so does he. With respect for what you would be giving up temporarily.

Personally, I think that is what tough love is rather than just saying no and get lost. JMHO.

easyquilts
February 1st, 2016, 04:11 PM
It's your decision... Go with your gut, and stick yo your guns...

alliek
February 1st, 2016, 04:31 PM
Time for her to make "adult" decisions. Time for you to not have to worry over this. Time for dad to not take the "easy" way with her because he is afraid she will be angry with him. Too bad. At 25? Time to look around and see the people who love you the most also need something from you. Peace.

Hulamoon
February 1st, 2016, 05:55 PM
Kat your cabinet story made me laugh. It's just that type of thing I see happening. My dd becoming my mother. When my stepdd was living here she would alway's pass through the living room and turn the ceiling fan off.Drove me nuts lol



Ewwww Lorie - not a good feeling about this one. If she misses you that much, she and bf can get a place nearby. Are they the type where once they're in, you'll never get em out? Can you foresee them still living with you 2, 3, 4 years from now??? Much easier to say no now, then to get them to move out later.
As parents, we nurture and teach, then let them fly, barring any unpredictable life altering circumstances (which does not appear to be the case here...). Praying for you and this circumstance my friend ;)

I'm not the one she misses.It's her sisters and all the kids. She never once said she misses me. She has an aggressive personality sometimes and I don't know where the heck that came from.

kensington
February 1st, 2016, 06:16 PM
I would not let anyone not married move into my house. Not at all. And if she is on her own with this guy, not going to college or making a better future for her life... I'd say no to her moving in at all. Even alone.

I would help my child if they were in college or had a real need. But, a place to shack up with her boyfriend is not a NEED.

Say no. And tell her there is nothing to talk about. For someone who wants something from you... "Talk about it" translates into.. "Talk you into it.". Don't even go there with her.

Juliet Taylor
February 2nd, 2016, 04:20 AM
No no no.
Lorie I know you're a wonderful person but sometimes the only right thing to say it's NO.
She's a young woman and if she misses so much her family she needs to come up with a solution. Only because you have a house you're the solution? Too easy. I have no clue how difficult is to find a home there but I've read enough of your posts of this thread and others to understand that your mental sanity and happiness should come first!

Stick to your resolution!

(Personally I don't speak to my mother. Oh I love her and sometimes even miss her, but she messed up with my own health, security and mental sanity to allow her near me anymore. You have no idea how many people judged me for that. But at the end they stopped. Now I'm working on having my own life and family. Still have nightmares but hey... it's my life, it's my head!)

LizTheScot
February 2nd, 2016, 11:35 PM
On a good day, I like to think that most people are kind at heart and that we want to 'do the right thing' for others. Please don't ask me what I think on a bad day! However, I firmly believe that there comes a time in each of our lives when we have to be selfish - put ourselves first, look out for #1. It's not always easy and it's frequently misunderstood and criticized by others who can't see into our hearts and understand our motives. Only you will know if now is the time for you to do this, and if it is please try not to be discouraged or beaten down by others' attempts at emotional blackmail. Self-preservation is a good thing.

LauraP
February 3rd, 2016, 03:34 AM
I don't know your situation or why your husband lives in a tent. BUT.....one option is for you to move to wherever they live and they live in your house. You could decide how to manage the differences in money, etc. How soon do you think your husband would get fed up and force the kids to find their own place.

Of course we all know it's easy to tell someone else what to do with their lives. But a lot of us have had to deal with this scenario and each of us, I'm sure, handled it differently. Please take care of yourself.

Hulamoon
February 3rd, 2016, 04:58 AM
I don't know your situation or why your husband lives in a tent. BUT.....one option is for you to move to wherever they live and they live in your house. You could decide how to manage the differences in money, etc. How soon do you think your husband would get fed up and force the kids to find their own place.

Of course we all know it's easy to tell someone else what to do with their lives. But a lot of us have had to deal with this scenario and each of us, I'm sure, handled it differently. Please take care of yourself.

When your dh doesn't want a divorce because he doesn't want to give up two acres of propery.. what does he do? He puts down some pallets, puts a large tent, carpet, bed and flat screen tv. Add the cords for electric, cable and water from the house and Voila you have an outside apartment.

shirleyknot
February 4th, 2016, 11:20 AM
Split the acreage and make him get his OWN utilities. YOU can file for divorce; he can't stop you.

shirleyknot
February 4th, 2016, 11:21 AM
I STILL love that turtle, Laura.:icon_bigsmile:

redcaboose1717
February 4th, 2016, 11:41 PM
Lorie,
We stupidly took in a friend of my 2nd son ....and it was a nightmare. We had to call the police to get him out of our home,and then it wasn't a sure thing we were going to be able to do that ( what I didn't know at the time was that this kid worked for a man that evicted tenants and this kid KNEW the law...( we actually could have ended up in court over this ) .....Thank goodness when we called 911 they sent out an awesome sheriff, who convinced this kid to go quietly ....and he did.
After that, my DD(some time later ) asked if a friend could live here until she was could find an apartment of her own, and we refused, remembering the issues over that first kid. NO WAY......
As far as kids moving in with their boyfriends / girlfriends......the answer is ABSOLUTELY not.....we stuck to our guns about that. Sure, we weren't the most FAV parents on the planet at the time, but too bad.
I agree with the other comments here.....
Don't get sucked into this. Stand your ground Mama ! I know it isn't easy, but for your own piece of mind, do it. You won't be sorry !

kensington
February 5th, 2016, 12:04 AM
When your dh doesn't want a divorce because he doesn't want to give up two acres of propery.. what does he do? He puts down some pallets, puts a large tent, carpet, bed and flat screen tv. Add the cords for electric, cable and water from the house and Voila you have an outside apartment.

I'm assuming that the 2 acres is a Lot, and cannot be divided? But, how is his living in your back yard in a tent even legal? It's not here. We have a HOA and that would not fly.

He couldn't even live in a Winnebago on our 4 acres. I don't get it. Is he running an extension cord into your house? Unplug it.

redcaboose1717
February 5th, 2016, 01:01 AM
When your dh doesn't want a divorce because he doesn't want to give up two acres of propery.. what does he do? He puts down some pallets, puts a large tent, carpet, bed and flat screen tv. Add the cords for electric, cable and water from the house and Voila you have an outside apartment.

This sounds a lot like my sister's ex.....he didn't want to leave, however he didn't want a divorce either. He thought he could "bug" her enough so that she would leave....so, he stayed in their travel trailer doing pretty much what your hubby is doing here Lorie. The only difference was that my sister's DH would come in the house and mess with her alarm clock when she was out and then she would be late for work. etc.
After awhile she finally got enough guts to kick him out ....when she went down and filed ......

Simply Quilting
February 5th, 2016, 01:24 AM
The one issue that I would check into is what are the laws of your state. I had a friend almost lost her home because she let a lady and her daughter move in - which became their primary residence so the law seen it as they had as much right to be there as she did. It became so bad that she feared for her safety. Thankfully, she now has her home back to herself.

Hulamoon
February 5th, 2016, 02:19 AM
This sounds a lot like my sister's ex.....he didn't want to leave, however he didn't want a divorce either. He thought he could "bug" her enough so that she would leave....so, he stayed in their travel trailer doing pretty much what your hubby is doing here Lorie. The only difference was that my sister's DH would come in the house and mess with her alarm clock when she was out and then she would be late for work. etc.
After awhile she finally got enough guts to kick him out ....when she went down and filed ......

He's not like that all.

We only talk once in awhile when he comes for his mail. He does certain things if I ask him, like putting air in my tire the other day. We even have a beer together once in awhile. There is no hate and I'm not pulling any plugs.

So anyway dd flew in yesterday (staying with sis)and came over this morning. I drove them to a hiking trail. We didn't talk about anything yet.

He's not going to become a squatter. I heard those stories and don't see that happening.

kensington
February 7th, 2016, 01:09 AM
"Squatter"... OHMY... reminds me of a renter my mil had once.

She rented one of her houses to a guy who paid the first months rent and stopped. It took her 2 years to get him out. He was nuts. Way nuts!! He kept telling her it was his house and he would sic his dog on her. What a mess.

redcaboose1717
February 7th, 2016, 11:42 PM
"Squatter"... OHMY... reminds me of a renter my mil had once.

She rented one of her houses to a guy who paid the first months rent and stopped. It took her 2 years to get him out. He was nuts. Way nuts!! He kept telling her it was his house and he would sic his dog on her. What a mess.

There was a movie out there about a couple that let some "nut" move into their home ( they purchased a house with 3 apartments I think )....The "tenant" destroyed the apartment completely. Of course that was fiction....But I did see a segment on 48 hours ( or one of those type shows ) where a gal rented a room to someone and she was actually was evicted from her own home. I don't remember how this actually happened, but let's suffice it to say I would never let a complete stranger move into my home ever. One issue with a son's friend was enough for me.....we agreed to never do that again, no matter what kind of problems a friend of our children were having. I know that sounds harsh, but that's what we thought ( and I still think ) at the time.
Lorie's issues are of course different ........and with the explanation of what her hubby is doing while living on the property is of course her business, and if it works for her, that's great !