PDA

View Full Version : Forbidden jokes!



Divine Daisy
November 16th, 2011, 07:55 PM
As a good Jewish Girl I am allowed to tell you this joke :-

Why are jewish men circumsized?

Because no Jewish woman would touch anything with less than 20% off.


What joke are you allowed to tell which someone else wouldnt dare to?

Monique
November 16th, 2011, 07:58 PM
Good one Daisy.

stitching woman
November 16th, 2011, 08:43 PM
Now that is a good one thanks Daisy

mamaquilt
November 16th, 2011, 08:58 PM
how about this one.
M Y PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursinghome.


One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was
anything wrong.


'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am
very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little
forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was
walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pyjamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she
said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that. Please put your
Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr..
Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell
me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)

mamaquilt
November 16th, 2011, 08:59 PM
here's the rest of the joke:



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'



IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING
SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!


Sorry it did not work the first time around

Divine Daisy
November 16th, 2011, 09:02 PM
lol Mammaquilt, thats funny....i read the first post and was sitting here thinking.........ok...i dont get it.

NOW i get it!

Julie Tweed
November 16th, 2011, 09:45 PM
Two little old ladies having coffee in a very nice cafe.
One leans into the other and asks "Mildred, did you come on the bus"?
Mildred replies "Yes but I made it look like an asthma attack"...

:)

Loonwatcher
November 16th, 2011, 09:52 PM
Oh you gals are too funny!

Divine Daisy
November 16th, 2011, 09:56 PM
omg Julie! thats soooooooo funny!

mimi9411
November 16th, 2011, 09:58 PM
You girls are just way to funny.

Divine Daisy
November 16th, 2011, 10:03 PM
Trust me to lower the tone of MSQC

BellasQuilts
November 16th, 2011, 11:27 PM
OMGosh, I logged on a few minutes after work and I nearly died laughing. Everyone in the office thought I was off my rocker! These are hillarious! Thank you so much for the much needed end of the day at work belly laugh!!!!!

Beakkmom
November 17th, 2011, 12:03 AM
Love the jokes...hubby wondering what Im reading:)

Sandy Navas
November 17th, 2011, 12:09 AM
And here I've been holding myself back . . . .

Why do men snore?




I won't answer this one until I see a few guesses . . . if I'm still allowed to log-in on the forum.

K. McEuen
November 17th, 2011, 01:55 AM
I ran across the following on the internet a couple years ago and thought it fit in well here ....

BIRTH OF A HAMSTER
Copyright 1999 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/



I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"Oldest trick in the book," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired sarcastically.

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her.

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it was a little hard to tell," she informed me.

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Gross!" they shrieked.

"Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.

"Well, when my parents' dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.

"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.

"Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through it."

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," I told him.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidural?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen....Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just..."

"Excited?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. "What's so funny?" I demanded.

Tears were now running down her face. "Just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its..." she gasped.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.

KiltedQuilter
November 17th, 2011, 05:35 AM
FUNNY! very funny! :D

rebeccas-sewing
November 17th, 2011, 06:34 AM
Oh my goodness! Can't wait to share these with Joe! Thanks for the laughs. Still laughing!!!

Sandy Navas
November 17th, 2011, 05:40 PM
I knew it. No one but me knows why men snore!

Julie Tweed
November 17th, 2011, 06:44 PM
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round & firm.
In her 30s t o 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. ...
After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'


This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said
, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration

Loonwatcher
November 17th, 2011, 06:54 PM
Pardon me.....I have to go change my undies....

Sandy - why do men snore?

sewmuchjan
November 17th, 2011, 07:12 PM
HAHAHAHA and HEHEHEHE

:icon_rofl: :icon_rofl: :icon_rofl: :lol: :lol:

Julie Tweed
November 17th, 2011, 07:55 PM
If it is the reason I think...

Has something to do with vapour lock..???

:-)

sewmuchjan
November 17th, 2011, 08:21 PM
Why do they snore Sandy? Come on give it up!!!!! :) Please!!!!! :)

donnah818
November 17th, 2011, 08:39 PM
You Ladies have made my day. I haven't heard an off color joke since I moved to South Carolina. Thanks for the giggles.OK I give up Why do men snore?

Divine Daisy
November 17th, 2011, 09:17 PM
i need to know why men snore Sandy! I may be nieve, but i have noooooooooo idea! Told you i was a good jewish girl

Sandy Navas
November 17th, 2011, 09:17 PM
Their testicles fall over their anus and they become vapor locked.

Sandy Navas
November 17th, 2011, 09:19 PM
BTW - I am perhaps retiring after this . . . good night. It has been so much fun to get to know everyone. I'll be back soon under a different identity and I'll try my best to always behave.

Divine Daisy
November 17th, 2011, 09:34 PM
omg Sandy........... thats funny! maybe you and i are both retiring after this thread! Sorry people lol

Loonwatcher
November 17th, 2011, 09:35 PM
BTW - I am perhaps retiring after this . . . good night. It has been so much fun to get to know everyone. I'll be back soon under a different identity and I'll try my best to always behave.

Don't change a thing about you...we love you just as you are.

Loonwatcher
November 17th, 2011, 09:36 PM
I don't even want to know why women snore!

sewmuchjan
November 17th, 2011, 11:27 PM
:icon_rofl:

OK I CAN RETIRE TOOOOO NOW THAT I KNOW!!!!! :icon_woot:

:icon_woohoo:

THANKS SANDY AND NO WE DON'T WANT YOU TO CHANGE!!!!! :icon_crazy:

LOVE YA AND GOD BLESS
HUGS
JAN G HHEEHHEHHEHEHEH!!!

BellasQuilts
November 17th, 2011, 11:29 PM
BTW - I am perhaps retiring after this . . . good night. It has been so much fun to get to know everyone. I'll be back soon under a different identity and I'll try my best to always behave.
Sandy you just stay your good sweet self, I haven't laughed so much in ages! Love it. Keep it up.

toggpine
November 18th, 2011, 01:24 AM
Bwahahahahahahahaha! Snort! Hahahahaha!

Thanks! I'll go dig out a few of my favorites.

mitzs
November 18th, 2011, 02:14 AM
mamaquilt, that was a great one. I had to share it with my friends on FB. Thank you for the laughs.

InGodzHndz
November 18th, 2011, 02:21 AM
What kind of bees make milk?





Boobees!

Sandy Navas
November 18th, 2011, 11:07 AM
We need a like button on M*QC!!

debinmalaga
November 18th, 2011, 11:18 AM
Rofl and thanks for the laughs, you naughty gals!