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GuitarGramma
September 18th, 2015, 05:50 PM
A young bride-to-be recently told one of my friends that she was sending wedding invitations to everyone she'd known in college (3,000 miles away), knowing they couldn't come to the wedding. The bride said that she just wanted the gifts.

This sparked a discussion with my friend of whether or not a wedding invitation requires a gift in response. I'd always been taught that you give a gift *if* you attend the wedding. My friend (a generation younger than I) felt that if you receive a wedding invitation, etiquette requires that you send the couple a gift.

Even the experts disagree about this. Emily Post agrees with my friend; Miss Manners states firmly that a wedding invitation is not an invoice.

I was hit smack dab in the face with this when my daughter got married 1,500 miles away in her fiancée's home town. I was so afraid that her side of the church would be empty, while the groom's side would be overflowing, so I sent invitations to everyone! And I would have been thrilled if they'd all attended, but I knew it would be difficult for many.

In the middle of planning our half of the guest list, my husband's aunt asked us not to send invitations to her children who were "struggling financially and couldn't afford to send a gift." I was stunned. I had never heard that a gift was expected when a wedding invitation was received. I certainly didn't want to be perceived as trolling for wedding presents! And my intent in sending invitations was to show the invitees that they were loved and wanted.

Well, I believe that this forum is populated with many wise women. So I've created a poll, hoping to learn if this is regional or generational. It may turn out to just be what each of our mother's taught us.

I hope you'll participate! I need to figure this all out before another daughter decides to wed.

Sandy Navas
September 18th, 2015, 05:56 PM
They had better be really close and really special before I send anyone a wedding present.

I was brought up to believe that you gift to those you truly love, you work for what you have and share when the recipients are worthy. Otherwise - into the trash it goes. Maybe a card, but how dare you send me something 'begging' for a gift . . . that, to me is more rude than going somewhere without a gift in hand.

songbird857
September 18th, 2015, 06:00 PM
I think it really depends on the wedding! If it were someone I was not extremely close with, I would not feel pressured to send a gift if I could not attend, the same goes for family if I just don't see them or have close ties with them.
If it is someone with whom I am close, but could not attend for some reason - I would send a gift (even a small one, depending on finances). ...and for the record, I am not a fan of registries... I dunno - I just think we should be grateful for any gift that is given. I understand, though, that some people like them because they are helpful to choose a gift.

Cool Breeze Quilter
September 18th, 2015, 06:10 PM
They had better be really close and really special before I send anyone a wedding present.

I was brought up to believe that you gift to those you truly love, you work for what you have and share when the recipients are worthy. Otherwise - into the trash it goes. Maybe a card, but how dare you send me something 'begging' for a gift . . . that, to me is more rude than going somewhere without a gift in hand.

Sandy, I absolutely agree with you. When my husband and I got married (21 years ago) we had a very small wedding. A friend through us a pre-wedding party at her home and said invite as many people as you want. I had her make it clear to everyone being invited that we did not want gifts. We wanted to celebrate our love with our friends and have fun - no strings attached. Some people gave us a gift anyway but I did not want anyone to feel they were obligated at all.

K. McEuen
September 18th, 2015, 06:10 PM
Um, your actual poll is flawed. You can only answer 1 question.

As for the gift - I send to who I want. Had I gotten an invitation from someone that sent out 3000 hoping for gifts, I would have sent a card simply stating " Who are you."

You could always add a caveat that says something like "We would sincerely enjoy your presence in helping us celebrate this union. If your circumstances don't allow it, please consider gifts optional."


*** Came back to say - You can answer more than one question. That's a new one on me.

Iris Girl
September 18th, 2015, 06:31 PM
I also believe it varies from situation to situation. Both my hubby and I come from small families..so inviting everyone meant we had about 50 people at our wedding ceremony. If anyone lived far away and I had grown up with them I would send small gift , if it was woodpile relation then maybe just maybe a card. Both our relatives on both sides lived either NY or NJ. I know my circumstances are quite different from others with large families, just my input.

Cathy F
September 18th, 2015, 06:42 PM
I give a gift if I'm attending. If it's someone I'm very fond of and not attending I will send them a gift otherwise I don't.

Midge
September 18th, 2015, 06:43 PM
Sounds like a Bridezilla attitude to me. I think good manners require you to say whether or not you are able to attend. A card or personal note is nice. A gift is never required. By definition.

Angelia
September 18th, 2015, 06:49 PM
If I'm close to the person, I give a gift whether I attend or not (I usually don't attend--crowds and ceremonies are not my thing!). If I'm not close, no gift, though I may send a card.

bakermom
September 18th, 2015, 06:53 PM
In general, if I don't attend I don't send a gift. The exception is if it a close(niece/nephew) relative, then I would send a gift simply because it is a close family member. Now in DH's family the attitude is"invite everyone so you get more" because they will "owe" you a gift regardless if they attend. Not so in my family. My family was more of, you only invite the people you really want there. Their presence is the gift. Did cause some discord when we got married cause I refused to play by their rules.

sidesaddles
September 18th, 2015, 06:58 PM
On the other side of this....does anyone send thank you notes anymore. I get tired of gifting and no acknowledgment from the recipient.

Claire OneStitchAtATime
September 18th, 2015, 07:02 PM
My policy is pretty much like Cathy F.'s. If I have affection for them, or there's a sufficiently close relationship -- e.g., nephew I don't really know (plenty of those on DH's side! Big family, live far apart) I send a gift, whether I'm attending or not. But I don't consider an invitation from someone I hardly know a reason to send a gift.

Claire Hallman
September 18th, 2015, 07:20 PM
I only send gifts if I want to and only attend occasions if I want to be there. A note would be nice in response to an event you can not attend.

Carrie J
September 18th, 2015, 08:06 PM
I'm sorry, but if I receivie an invitation to an important milestone in someone's life, it usually comes from those near and dear, friends that are chosen family and family. No one in this clan would be that ballsy to do such a thing, as they'd be called on it in a heartbeat! I think this is rather audacious and in very poor taste on their part. File Thirteen!

Hulamoon
September 18th, 2015, 08:32 PM
I'm so embarresed to say my stepdd did this. It is an island and very small but she invited everyone she ever met. Grandparents of friends, etc. She rented a beach house and brought in all these tables and benches for the outside lawn. There were hundreds of people, Most people sat at the table all night, they just came for the food.

The family slept over and it was like let's see what we got first thing in the morning, which was a lot of money. I sure hope my own dd's don't' follow this practice.

GuitarGramma
September 18th, 2015, 08:42 PM
I AM SO GLAD TO HEAR YOUR ANSWERS!!!

Thank you for helping me wrap my brain around this. With four daughters, I'm going to be sending wedding invitations for quite a while. It was really upsetting to me to think that I might be perceived as asking someone to send a gift. Until DH's aunt made that request, I'd literally never heard such a thing.

Vonnie
September 18th, 2015, 08:52 PM
I have sent gifts when we could not make it but only to those that we are close to.

My Aunt was my gift registry! But I still wound up with 3 mixers. I gave some of my duplicate wedding gifts to a cousin who needed them.

I'm one of those that like the idea of a gift registry. I like to get something I know they will use.

Kat Smith
September 18th, 2015, 09:01 PM
I have some very strong feelings about these kinds of topics. I have a hard time with the thinking now a days, where people expect to pay for their weddings on the backs of their guests. I have heard people talk about how much they expect to receive and how that will pay for their ( the guest's) dinner etc. Not sure about other places but here in Manitoba, Canada the trend has become "Presentation" weddings and it will say on the invitation Presentation Preferred. This really upsets me, but I stick to my guns and they (if I attend) will receive a gift, never money from me. I put a lot of time and thought into every gift I give and if a person gets one from me, it was selected with that person specifically in mind. Being on a tight budget I usually can buy a better girt than I can afford to give in cash. I often wonder about destination weddings, are you expected to give a gift at those as well, you have taken time off work, payed for your flight, hotel, food and now a gift ?????

I taught my kids to send Thank-you cards and I always send them and I make sure they still do. Good manners are an asset. A young father at a baby shower for his daughter asked me We don't have to send out Thank- you cards do we? My answer was, You do what you think is right, but having said that I have saved every Thank- you card I have received. The older I get the more important they are to me.

Amy R
September 18th, 2015, 09:06 PM
wow, I'm pretty surprised. If people can't go to a wedding they shouldn't be pressured to send something. People are getting really selfish out there!

Granny Fran
September 18th, 2015, 09:20 PM
When I got married (a hundred years ago) the idea of an invitation was for family and those close to you to attend and share your good fortune. Gifts were a blessing for young marrieds that had not much to start off with. Thank yous were Not Optional, they were considered in bad form if not sent within the first 2 months of the wedding. Announcements were sent to those who could not attend and if you received a gift or card you still sent a thank you.

Invitations = you are close enough to attend, if you choose (and you better send in that RSVP !!)
Announcements = I'm letting you know my change in marital status. If you want send a congrats (or not)

So many unfortunate young people that feel just because they exist the world owes them something. Too Sad.

Grandma Nan
September 18th, 2015, 09:30 PM
I have some very strong feelings about these kinds of topics. I have a hard time with the thinking now a days, where people expect to pay for their weddings on the backs of their guests. I have heard people talk about how much they expect to receive and how that will pay for their ( the guest's) dinner etc. Not sure about other places but here in Manitoba, Canada the trend has become "Presentation" weddings and it will say on the invitation Presentation Preferred. This really upsets me, but I stick to my guns and they (if I attend) will receive a gift, never money from me. I put a lot of time and thought into every gift I give and if a person gets one from me, it was selected with that person specifically in mind. Being on a tight budget I usually can buy a better girt than I can afford to give in cash. I often wonder about destination weddings, are you expected to give a gift at those as well, you have taken time off work, payed for your flight, hotel, food and now a gift ?????

I taught my kids to send Thank-you cards and I always send them and I make sure they still do. Good manners are an asset. A young father at a baby shower for his daughter asked me We don't have to send out Thank- you cards do we? My answer was, You do what you think is right, but having said that I have saved every Thank- you card I have received. The older I get the more important they are to me.

I totally agree with you. This has become my favourite pet peeve in the last couple of years. The origin of the gift giving was because young couples usually lived with their parents until marriage. It was a kind gesture to help them along and get started. Here is where I hope I don't step on any one's toes. Many young people now, have usually been living together for an extended period of time, purchased a housed and many of them already have children. Then they throw these ostentatious extravagant weddings that you hope can be paid for before the couple breaks up. They openly ask for money as a gift which is just plain rude and makes me crazy. Also they hold a "buck and doe" party to make more money for the wedding. I'm just getting wound up here but I'll stop before I get in trouble.

If you love someone and want to get married, do it but don't expect me to pay for your party!!!

alliek
September 18th, 2015, 09:39 PM
I could not fill out the poll. If I "gift' or not depends on the person and circumstance. If I hardly know the person, i send regrets and no gift, unless they are related to good friends or family. If I am NOT invited to the wedding and I truly like the person I will send a gift to celebrate because I truly want to. One of the nicest wedding invitations I received was from our very good friends son and his intended. They asked that if we were thinking of giving them a gift, they wished we would send a contribution to our favorite charity in their honor instead. I thought this was lovely.

LizTheScot
September 18th, 2015, 09:43 PM
I agree with many other posters here - if I attend the event I'll bring a gift. If I can't attend, whether or not I gift depends on how close we are. If the couple has a registry I'll choose something from that, otherwise it will be a giftcard to someplace like a Bed Bath Beyond, Macys etc. Not getting a thankyou note (or email, these days) does irritate me, but I suppose I'm getting used to it (which also irritates me.) Some of my friends who have married in locations where they know many guests will have to travel have added notes to invitations like "your presence is the only present we need". I appreciate that thoughtfulness, though if they're important enough to me that I'll travel to their wedding I'll probably also get (or make) them a wee gift.

kensington
September 18th, 2015, 09:47 PM
If I know them well, I do either or... If I don't attend, I send a gift. And I always give a gift if I do attend.

GuitarGramma
September 18th, 2015, 10:16 PM
I appreciate everyone's comments.

It's certainly the case that I've been known to send a wedding gift when I couldn't attend a wedding, especially in cases where I love the bride or groom dearly. But I never felt that I *had to*. It was a gift, from the heart, an act of love, something we quilters all understand.

The poll results are proving interesting. This may very well be a generational difference, and the Over/Under 50 numbers almost perfectly equal Must/May numbers. I can't see who voted how, but those numbers are really, really interesting.

And the "experts" are split across generational lines, too. Miss Manners is over 50 ("a wedding invitation is not an invoice"), and the new Emily Post (Anna) is under 40 ("whether you can attend or not, the invitation obliges you to send a wedding gift").

I find it simply distasteful that someone can, in effect, order me to give them a gift, which is what Anna Post is saying. And the converse upsets me even more; I never want to be perceived as expecting someone to pony up!

bubba
September 18th, 2015, 10:36 PM
I have to agree that an invite does not warrant a gift. If that woman is that selfish, her marraige is doomed.

Altairss
September 18th, 2015, 10:55 PM
I do a card if I can't go and a card and a gift if I do go. I have got invitations that felt like I was being trolled with specific requirements for gift giving. Had one that stated we are only registered at such and such place I think it was the Bon Marche. I give from the heart or send a card I seldom do money cause we don't usually have extra to spare. My parents did not do thank you cards but made personal visits and or calls to persons to thank them. They felt it was more personal. It took me a month after my small wedding that we paid for ourselves to reach out and thank everyone. I made food for some invited other over for a dinner and so on. I think thank you cards would have been easier lol.

redcaboose1717
September 18th, 2015, 11:00 PM
Well, If I know the person well, I will send a gift....although I guess I have in the past had "strings" attached to if I send a wedding gift or not. This may not sound nice, but if I am invited to the bridal shower, as well as the wedding and I give a bridal shower gift ( which I normally do )giving the bride & groom a wedding gift usually depends on if I get a THANK YOU note for the shower gift. I know I am going to probably get blasted for this comment but to me, if you want someone to give you a gift, it isn't going to hurt you to send out a Thank you note.
IF I am not invited to the shower, it depends on how well I know the person the wedding invite came from. IF I know the person(s) or their parents really well, of course I send a gift...if not, then a card gets popped into the mail.

bec
September 18th, 2015, 11:48 PM
Personally, I think it's a little rude to expect people you invite to send a gift whether they attend the wedding or not. I was astonished that the bride-to-be you spoke of would invite people just so she could get more gifts. Just shows how materialistic some people are. Although I do take a gift if I attend a wedding, I wouldn't expect a person that comes to my wedding to bring a gift. I would invite them because they are close to my heart and I'd want them to share my special day. For some people, it may be a financial hardship to buy anything. I've been there. There is more to life than material goods.

Guess the world is a different place now. So sad.

jjkaiser
September 18th, 2015, 11:49 PM
I don't send a gift unless I attend the wedding unless it is for close family and the wedding happens to be far away.

On a related note I have worked with a woman for 15 years whose son is getting married and I have never met him. She wants to invite me to the wedding. Well, okay I guess. But now she wants to invite me to the bridal shower too. Again I have never met the bride. I am thinking what??! Part of me suspects she thinks she will be guaranteed a high end gift because my husband is a lawyer. Am I over reacting? I always thought bridal showers were for close personal friends and aunts, etc not total strangers.

Deegles
September 18th, 2015, 11:55 PM
Today's youth have an entitlement problem. Because America has been relatively on the up and up, many many people have ampleness. They spoil their children. So, when these children get older, they don't know how to take care of anything because we live in a throwaway society. And because of this throwaway syndrome, they believe this in their relationships too. So many birthday parties I have been too where 30 people show up. Everyone brings a gift, then there are 30 gifts of varies sizes....lots of toys. Where to put them all? This ampleness parlez's into later life, and they expect it for special occasions. If you are a direct relative and they are a cherished family member, buy them something or make them something (they cannot take back for cash).

Gifts are an expectation today. Money is thrown around for this effort with very little thought going into the person it is for or the thought going into the gift, and it is just consumerism with no real function. In the last 100 years Americans have really been big on gift giving. Before that, it was a rarity and those people survived with an orange for Christmas in their stocking. Can you imagine if you did this today to anyone 25 years or younger? I think they would have a fit....spoiled.....

Kansas farm girl
September 19th, 2015, 01:01 AM
If I attend I take a gift. I had the experience of being invited to the bridal shower, brides personal shower and the grooms shower, wedding invitation, opening of gifts party, baby shower, new home shower all for the same couple in a space of 2 months. I thought she might deliver on the alter steps in her $6000 white wedding dress. I then received a "free again" party invitation less that 1 year after marriage. What nerve !

Simply Quilting
September 19th, 2015, 01:08 AM
If I go, I take a gift (may or may not be on the registry). If I don't go, it depends upon how well I know the bride and groom whether a gift gets sent.

Some of my most precious wedding gifts that I received were an afghan that his grandma made and a handwritten cookbook from my church ladies.

What gets me is how much people spend on weddings and then to top it off, they expect a gift to be equal to or more than the cost of the dinner.

GuitarGramma
September 19th, 2015, 01:14 AM
I was astonished that the bride-to-be you spoke of would invite people just so she could get more gifts.


I, too, was astonished. And, as you can tell, that kind of attitude has absolutely thrown me for a loop. I mean, to me, sending an invitation means "I love you, please join us."

redcaboose1717
September 19th, 2015, 01:49 AM
When I remarried for the 2nd time ( my 1st DH passed away in 2002 at age 48 ) we only invited the immediate family. We were married in the Chapel at Church and I sent a handmade card letting the family know the date / time/where....and I also put a note in with the info that said "no gifts please". However, there were a few people in the family that asked my mom about this...and after some thought we told those who wanted to bring a gift to donate to a charity of their choice. Those who did donate, sent donations to a couple of local charities here in the town we reside in.
After all, we didn't need anything, we just wanted to share the special day with our close family ( I think 20 adults and 10 kids came) and we all went out to dinner and DH picked up the tab for the dinner.

BTW.....Jkaiser......
If it were me, I wouldn't attend the wedding or the shower....you don't own this woman's son a wedding gift or a shower gift for the bride. Could be you are correct about this gal thinking her son & her new DIL will receive a "very nice" gift from you.
I would send a card to the couple....but that's it, period. If there's a RSVP card....send it out...with "regrets". You really don't owe the woman an explanation......if you feel you do, I would just say that you have plans for both the shower date & the wedding date, and leave it at that.

redcaboose1717
September 19th, 2015, 01:58 AM
What gets me is how much people spend on weddings and then to top it off, they expect a gift to be equal to or more than the cost of the dinner.

Over and over I have heard people say when their kids are planning their wedding "Well, the cost per plate for the dinner is $25-$30(or more) and I hope that everyone will realize this and purchase a gift that reflects the cost of the meal ". Really ? I normally give handmade gifts for shower gifts and because I normally only go to "VERY" close friends or family weddings, my sisters & I often go in together to purchase a gift.
I taught all of my children ( even my sons ) at an early age to write thank you notes when receiving a gift. My grandkids send me thank you notes for gifts I have given them...My DD and my sons were all great about getting their wedding thankyous out ASAP....in fact my DD had hers written and mailed out BEFORE the wedding photos came back ! ( The photos were back within a week or 10 days )

sewlucky
September 19th, 2015, 03:41 AM
Just wow. Unreal.


If I attend I take a gift. I had the experience of being invited to the bridal shower, brides personal shower and the grooms shower, wedding invitation, opening of gifts party, baby shower, new home shower all for the same couple in a space of 2 months. I thought she might deliver on the alter steps in her $6000 white wedding dress. I then received a "free again" party invitation less that 1 year after marriage. What nerve !

jjkaiser
September 19th, 2015, 11:22 AM
Just wow. Unreal.

Okay you are the winner here. Of all the nerve!!! And I bet you never even received a thank you. This bride screams gimme gimme the loudest

jjkaiser
September 19th, 2015, 11:28 AM
I am not too good at this reply with post thing and haven't had a whole cup of coffee yet. I meant my previous reply to be to KANSAS FARM GIRL. Holy cow that was a lot of invites from the same people!!

RockinLou
September 19th, 2015, 12:46 PM
I have a very close friend who neither included me in her bridal party nor invited me to her wedding because she knew I could not afford a gift. I was invited to the rehearsal dinner so I could visit more intimately with the family and babysitting for my then 4 month old was more realistic than for attending her reception. She was trying to be thoughtful, but it still stings that a friend I've known since infancy and our mothers and siblings are all very close didn't invite me to her wedding because of some perception about an invite equaling a gift. I had been making a quilt for her, but in the end I gave it to my cousin instead.
Weddings are funny times. We didn't have a big wedding though, I couldn't handle the stress. (Not that my family didn't manage to make it miserable but that is another story)

I would only give a gift to someone for a wedding which I do not attend the reception if I were family. (raised on the east coast, 36 years old)

GuitarGramma
September 19th, 2015, 03:29 PM
I have a very close friend who neither included me in her bridal party nor invited me to her wedding because she knew I could not afford a gift. I was invited to the rehearsal dinner so I could visit more intimately with the family and babysitting for my then 4 month old was more realistic than for attending her reception. She was trying to be thoughtful, but it still stings that a friend I've known since infancy and our mothers and siblings are all very close didn't invite me to her wedding because of some perception about an invite equaling a gift. I had been making a quilt for her, but in the end I gave it to my cousin instead.
Weddings are funny times. We didn't have a big wedding though, I couldn't handle the stress. (Not that my family didn't manage to make it miserable but that is another story)

I would only give a gift to someone for a wedding which I do not attend the reception if I were family. (raised on the east coast, 36 years old)

That is a very sad story. And it's an example of the fallout from this horrific rule of etiquette.

I talked this over with my unmarried 24-year old daughter this morning. Being my daughter, she had never heard of "an invitation creates an obligation." And she, too, wondered how you balance a guest list if you don't want to create ANY obligations.

redcaboose1717
September 19th, 2015, 03:37 PM
If I attend I take a gift. I had the experience of being invited to the bridal shower, brides personal shower and the grooms shower, wedding invitation, opening of gifts party, baby shower, new home shower all for the same couple in a space of 2 months. I thought she might deliver on the alter steps in her $6000 white wedding dress. I then received a "free again" party invitation less that 1 year after marriage. What nerve !

LOL....sorry.....I have never received a "Free Again" party invite...and had that ever happened, I doubt if I would ever attend. As I said in previous replies, we don't attend weddings unless they are immediate family, although that certainly hasn't stopped the divorce rate within a year or two as far as the weddings we have attended.
I was just amazed at this post......it does take a lot of "nerve" of people I must admit at times.....!!!

Kgrammiecaz
September 19th, 2015, 03:40 PM
I personally feel we should only invite those in the lives of the couple on a regular basis. Maybe add a handful of parents choices. Inviting people you would not contact otherwise is just greedy. I only send a gift if they are someone I stay in contact with. So I really could not respond to the poll because it depends on the circumstances.

And whats with the no thank you cards being sent when you give a gift. In the last several years I gave teo gifts. Did not receive a thank you card for either. And a baby shower gift, no thank you card. Whats going on.

GuitarGramma
September 19th, 2015, 03:49 PM
I, too, have been noticing a trend away from thank you cards. It's especially maddening when you send a gift card. In the old days, when I'd send a check, at least it got cashed so I knew it had been received. With a gift card, you never, ever know.

What's also interesting is that I've noticed young adults who were home schooled are quite good about sending thank you cards. Their moms must have made Thank you cards a part of writing assignments!

GuitarGramma
September 19th, 2015, 03:54 PM
I personally feel we should only invite those in the lives of the couple on a regular basis. Maybe add a handful of parents choices. Inviting people you would not contact otherwise is just greedy. I only send a gift if they are someone I stay in contact with. So I really could not respond to the poll because it depends on the circumstances.

And I think that's what I meant by the second answer. You don't have an obligation to send a gift; it's a choice on your part whether or not to send one, as you say, depending on the circumstances.

mommadeb
September 19th, 2015, 06:39 PM
If I was actually going to the wedding, then they are a special couple to me and I would buy a gift. If I were acquainted with them and could not go, I would send a card. If neither, then I feel they are trolling for gifts and would not send anything.

Kat Smith
September 19th, 2015, 07:00 PM
This is sorta the same topic, but maybe more of a footnote. I recently saw a post on Facebook, where a recent bride posted her rant about her absolute disgust with a friend because of the friends cheap wedding gift. This was someone she had known for years and was well aware of the cost of the wedding. She went on about how angry she was at being slighted this way and how the cheap gift didn't even cover the friend's meal and if she couldn't have done better she should have replied that she would not be attending. This was also taken as a sign of the importance of the friendship which was now over. The bride then went on to give this ex friend gift giving advise for the future.

I am of the strong belief that you have the kind of wedding that YOU can afford, if that ends up in your parent's backyard so be it . That is if it's okay with Mom and Pop.

dwil23
September 19th, 2015, 08:15 PM
I totally agree with you. This has become my favourite pet peeve in the last couple of years. The origin of the gift giving was because young couples usually lived with their parents until marriage. It was a kind gesture to help them along and get started. Here is where I hope I don't step on any one's toes. Many young people now, have usually been living together for an extended period of time, purchased a housed and many of them already have children. Then they throw these ostentatious extravagant weddings that you hope can be paid for before the couple breaks up. They openly ask for money as a gift which is just plain rude and makes me crazy. Also they hold a "buck and doe" party to make more money for the wedding. I'm just getting wound up here but I'll stop before I get in trouble.

If you love someone and want to get married, do it but don't expect me to pay for your party!!!

AMEN! I most likely would not attend a wedding for a couple that have lived together - not a judgement, just I don't see what the big deal is now after you already have lived together, bought a house and had kids. Now you get married? So what? Nothing special about that decision if you ask me.

I could not agree more.... and destination weddings? FORGET IT!!!!! I just don't get it! If you have to get married on the beach in wherever,..fine...just don't expect me to be there. And don't even get me started about the cost of weddings today. I was listening to the local news the other day and they were featuring a local cupcake shop. The person being interviewed was saying how many brides choose cupcakes today so that they can save the "cake cutting fee" charged by most venues - $4.75 per PERSON. Are.You.Kidding.Me???????

Okay off my soapbox now......

Hulamoon
September 19th, 2015, 09:27 PM
I totally agree with you. This has become my favourite pet peeve in the last couple of years. The origin of the gift giving was because young couples usually lived with their parents until marriage. It was a kind gesture to help them along and get started. Here is where I hope I don't step on any one's toes. Many young people now, have usually been living together for an extended period of time, purchased a housed and many of them already have children. Then they throw these ostentatious extravagant weddings that you hope can be paid for before the couple breaks up. They openly ask for money as a gift which is just plain rude and makes me crazy. Also they hold a "buck and doe" party to make more money for the wedding. I'm just getting wound up here but I'll stop before I get in trouble.

If you love someone and want to get married, do it but don't expect me to pay for your party!!!
This was the case of my stepdd. Bought a house, had a kid then got married with 300 people in attendence. His father had the nerve to call us and said they need help, what are you going to give them? Really?

redcaboose1717
September 19th, 2015, 10:30 PM
I didn't mention this in the comments I already posted but if the people have lived together for years, had kids, purchased a house...then they don't get a gift from me, nor do I attend the wedding.
One of my nieces and her boyfriend lived together for 6 yrs, had two kids and thought that the "money" they requested as gifts for the showers and the wedding would pay for the down payment for a house they were looking at. My sister and BIL paid for a very expensive wedding...and not 2 yrs after the wedding, they split up. ( never did find out if the money they received helped to pay for the house, or if the house they purchased after the wedding was the one they originally wanted.....( I didn't attend the wedding, my DH was really ill at the time although I did sent a handmade gift.)
I think a lot of these young kids today think a wedding is just a big party.....they don't think they have to "work" at being married and when things start to go south, they split up....how sad is that ?

Sandy Navas
September 19th, 2015, 10:38 PM
This was the case of my stepdd. Bought a house, had a kid then got married with 300 people in attendence. His father had the nerve to call us and said they need help, what are you going to give them? Really?

A swift kick in the pants and some etiquette lessons . . .

snippet
September 20th, 2015, 08:41 AM
What I learned as proper etiquette and what I do are often different.

I was taught an invite requires a gift. If I am close to the couple, I will send a gift. Otherwise I consider it an announcement rather than an invitation. Sometimes the couple even helps by not including a reception invite.

GuitarGramma
September 21st, 2015, 03:20 AM
Thank you, everyone. It's been great to hear your experiences, thoughts, and observations.

I just want to clarify something. The OB (original bride) is not someone who thinks the world owes her. I've known her most of her life, and her family pretty much lives at the poverty line. So, even though I was appalled at first, I've thought about it further. I think that for the first time in the OB's life, she's getting "bright and shiny" new things, and maybe she got carried away.

Oh, one more thing: this couple did NOT live together before marriage, and both still live with parents, so they really do need an old fashioned leg up to get started in life.

So please say a prayer for this young, traditional couple. May their love last a lifetime!