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View Full Version : Why do people take advantage!!! I need to vent!!!



rebeccas-sewing
October 17th, 2011, 03:05 AM
I've opened my home to two young people during my time in London. My daughter's ex-boyfriend had no place to live, out of a job, no parental support that we could see and financial debt looming. I offered him a place to stay so he could get a grip on life and continue going to community college. The expectation was that he would find a job, take care of things around my house and yard, and watch over my daughters so they wouldn't be alone in the house. To eventually move out and gain independence was supposed to be the goal. What a big mistake. When my daughter finally broke up with him (thank the good lord) two years had passed and he still had no job. He ruined my downstairs bathroom, broke some things and treated my daughter badly. Why did we allow this to go on so long? Yes, he was a help to some degree but he ended up costing us more than we anticipated. Do you think he ever thanked us? Not a word. Not even an e-mail saying thanks for your support.

You would think we had learned our lesson but here we go again. Another friend is here now. My daughter is beginning to resent her. She takes my daughter's car, most often with permission but not always, plus she's asked to help out with gas but doesn't. She eats our food which is okay but never thinks that perhaps it might be nice to bring in a bag of groceries once in awhile. In the 5 weeks I've been here visiting she hasn't once cleaned the bathroom that she's using or any other cleaning of this big house. As far as I can tell she hasn't been on a single job interview. She still has no car even though she said her dad is taking care of the repairs she needs made to hers. I don't think it should take 3 months for that to happen.

I thought in these two cases that I was doing something nice for these two young people, but I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. It's amazing to me that these two individuals have been given a place to stay rent-free with everything provided for them except a car and yet they have us resenting them. If someone was helping make your life easier wouldn't you do everything you could to show your appreciation? Wouldn't you pitch in and try to pull your own weight? I told my daughter the talk is necessary and a date for her to move out is expected. I told her if she can't handle the conversation that I will.

Has anyone else had this experience? Feelings of resentment abound.

KiltedQuilter
October 17th, 2011, 03:53 AM
Rebeccas-sewing I feel for you!

quilter.martha
October 17th, 2011, 07:36 AM
Oh, I feel for you, too, Rebecca. I get so frustrated with how people treat each other. I wonder if this issue comes from our entitlement society we have nowadays. Everyone thinks they have (or deserve) the right to things without working for it. Sorry if that sounds political, but I think the issue goes much deeper than just politics. Our society as a whole has done a horrible job of training our kids a good work ethic, of saying thank you, of appreciating their elders, and of teaching them to work for what they have. Sorry, there's my rant. Hang in there Rebecca!

quiltingtrish
October 17th, 2011, 08:17 AM
Oh, do stand your ground and make sure the little talk will happen soon. Maybe if she is given a wake-up call, it will nudge her to do something to get on with her life.
I agree with Martha - I see it in the public school I work in here. I could get on a soap box, but I won't go there.

I'll keep you in my prayers that you keep your sanity and the girlfriend of your daughter wakes up.

Hugs,

bec
October 17th, 2011, 08:43 AM
No, I haven't had that experience, but have seen plenty of those cases on Judge Judy! (My husband is a big fan) These young people need tough love. They need to be made to take care of themselves. There is probably a reason that their parents aren't supporting them. After all they've been living with them and have probably had enough. Believe me, there are plenty of lazy people out there in the world that would just as soon that you take care of them. That's why welfare is out of control in the U.S. I'm pretty sure if someone didn't take them in and they started getting hungry, they'd find a job somewhere. I can understand taking someone in for a limited short time with a signed contract in hand that states rules and expectations and a definite date that they will be moving on, but you can't let people take advantage of you. You've done more than should be expected. Maybe if they found themselves in a homeless shelter they would appreciate the kindness you've shown. It burns me that they've treated your home and family like that! Sorry, now I'm ranting!

Blondie
October 17th, 2011, 09:02 AM
Hi Rebecca
Your big heart is showing.
Luscious and I have been there. Done that. I realize that it is different with each personality involved but for our sanity what we did was have them read and sign what we expected. We found that guys were better to deal with than girls. My middle son had a friend that needed a home - and I've known him since forever. He worked out great for a long time - did lots of yard work and general stuff like that. He eventually found himself a sweetie and moved in with her.
I stood my ground with a few other instances. It's my home. It's MY home. Treat it better than you would your own.
And yeah, I think a lot of this generation has entitlement issues. Who's fault is that? I would not accept this behavior and tell them to hit the road. Neither of these young folk you speak of are real friends to your daughter. They are brats.
I am sorry you are going through this. Sit down and have a long serious discussion with all parties concerned. Be firm. Stand your ground. If things don't improve,don't feel guilty when you tell them to LEAVE.

Sandy Navas
October 17th, 2011, 10:55 AM
Ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto!!!

Oh, and DITTO!!

meemeecyn
October 17th, 2011, 11:27 AM
Oh, how frustrated you sound. And you have every right to be. You only wanted to help out and now are being taken advantage of. I say DITTO, too. It must be so difficult for this to be going on and living so far away. You are a good person, Rebecca and do not at all deserve to be treated like this.
Cynthia

Divine Daisy
October 17th, 2011, 12:07 PM
oh Rebecca i am so sorry this has happened.

i agree to some extent with the above posts. Some people......young and not so young do feel that they are owed an easy time and it is awful when your good nature is taken advantage of. i dont think it is just the young though and i would hate to lose sight of the fact that there are many many hard working and responsible youngsters around.

Having said that, it is not acceptable that this is happening to you and i feel for you. There is no doubt that a difficult conversation has to be had. I truely hope you manage to have it without too much upset for you and your daughter. These people are not real friends to her and that is a hard lesson for us all when we have to learn it.

Vent here all you need to :) If you need an ear i am in the uk, PM me if i can help with anything (except take in your guests lol) and i can give you a contact number. I am sure you have friends in the UK but if you do feel isolated at any time, i am here. I too have lived abroad so I know it can feel lonely sometimes.

Be strong....this too will pass hugs

rebeccas-sewing
October 17th, 2011, 12:54 PM
Thanks, Ladies. I just typed up a very diplomatic letter stating what I expect. I think my daughter wants to handle it but I'm going to give her my letter to read. That way she will have some help deciding what to say and how to say it. I wanted to be direct, firm but not mean about it. I think I accomplished that in my letter. I've given her 2 weeks to make other arrangements with an expected move out no later than November 15. That way I won't feel like I've thrown her out on her ear. LOL I'm feeling a lot better now that I'm taking the bull by the horns. As the old saying goes, "This too shall pass!"

bec
October 17th, 2011, 01:24 PM
Thanks, Ladies. I just typed up a very diplomatic letter stating what I expect. I think my daughter wants to handle it but I'm going to give her my letter to read. That way she will have some help deciding what to say and how to say it. I wanted to be direct, firm but not mean about it. I think I accomplished that in my letter. I've given her 2 weeks to make other arrangements with an expected move out no later than November 15. That way I won't feel like I've thrown her out on her ear. LOL I'm feeling a lot better now that I'm taking the bull by the horns. As the old saying goes, "This too shall pass!"
Good for you, rebecca! Now stick to your guns, so to speak. :) I'd have her sign it or have a witness that she was told those things, so she can't deny it.

LynneLeavell
October 17th, 2011, 01:46 PM
Rebeccas-sewing I have experienced this situation. Unfortunately it was with my daughter and her boyfriend. It was more the boyfriend. I allowed him to live in our garage when they first started dating and he pretty much trashed the place. I finally told my daughter at that time that he had 1 week to get out. Well he found a place to live it was an extended stay. Then she came up pregnant by this guy and they moved out any way long story short, You have to put limits on the situation. Just tell her she has this amount of time to find her a car, a job and a place to live. Don't make the relocation time a convenience to her being as she has already over stayed her welcome. It will be hard but stick with it. I have had to do it twice with my daughter and unfortunately there is was two preciouse little boys involved. Now she has opened her eyes and has seen what kind of loser this guy was and has left him. She is slowly getting him out of her life one debt at time. Yes her and the boys are back and it is more of a regrouping and I don't mind helping since he is out of the picture. Good Luck. You have to think of you and your money being as they are not thinking about it and helping out.

quilter.martha
October 17th, 2011, 02:12 PM
Good for you Rebecca! Stick to your guns and don't back down. That can be hard, but you can do it! Let us know how things go, OK?

janluna
October 17th, 2011, 02:28 PM
Been there several times! My whole life has been spent doing this kind of thing. My parents took in whole families. Some became forever friends and others became forever leeches! Joe and I made a deal, that our children would not be put out of their rooms ever again, and who ever stayed had to work and help. We made sure those rules were followed. The ones who didn't want to got the message quickly to move on. And I am with Blondie, boys are easier than girls. Joe and I took in a nurse who was in dire fear of her life. Or so she said. The first thing she did was place her dishes on top of mine so we would use them. Then "Angels" started appearing all over the house, then, and this was the kicker, she decided Joe should belong to her too. Needless to say that didn't work out for her. And we later found out she had pulled this stuff before on other people, and get this, She did this to her own brother! She tried to take over his house and kids and to get his wife out of the picture. That was after she left here. She is a NUT CASE! We also found out her husband and children were the real victims. So we have taken a sabbatical on letting people stay at our house. For the last 10 years, we will help, but no one moves in. Make your stand and stick to it. We have been a lot happier. And probably a lot safer. The older you get, the more people think they can con you. So no more. Blondie's right this is MY house! Our rules or there is the door, hit it! Hugs, Jan

Monique
October 17th, 2011, 05:09 PM
Rebecca, good advice here. STICK TO YOUR GUNS. I have never been in that situation but don't know how you could go so long before speaking up. Good luck.

rebeccas-sewing
October 18th, 2011, 12:46 AM
Monique, I think with Joe and me living in London right now it's a case of out-of-sight, out-of-mind. Visiting home for 5 weeks I realize what's going on and I'm not too pleased. Right now she's been told she's not to drive our cars. I plan to make sure she has made other arrangements by a date Joe and I will agree to. I don't want her to feel like I'm just kicking her to the curb. We'll give her some time to make other arrangements, but our date for move-out will be firm. There has been so much drama at my house today that I am so happy I had a dinner date with a girlfriend.Getting out of the house was good for me. We had a great time and now I'm hiding out in my room for peace and quiet!!! LOL

lawork1211
October 21st, 2011, 03:22 PM
I completely understand how frustrating this can be. My mother and I let the sister of her friend stay with us for a month and a half so she could save enough for her security deposit. She tripled our electric and gas bills and ate us out of house and home, swearing to pay us back after her disability when through (which it did last year). Yea, you guessed it - nada! Last November she called us crying that her daughter had just lost her apartment in a fire. She dropped the daughter off to make phone calls for help from our phone and claimed she couldn't get any. I personally took her down to the Dept. of Human Services for aid and ran her all over town. My friend and neighbor of 25 years took pity on her and offered her a place to stay until she could get another apartment (she had Section 8 aid that would pay for it) because her mother would not let her stay. For the next month my mother, best friend and I did everything we could for her, including buying Christmas gifts for her 6 kids she was trying to get custidy of again. After hundreds of dollars, hours and hours of time, etc., we find out that there was NEVER an fire. She go evicted from her apartment for not completing the government paperwork for them to keep paying. The mother lied when she dropped her off at my place. All of the gifts were funneled over to her mother's so that when we finally kicked her out she still got to keep most of what was bought. It was the police who came to get her. We found out she had a warrent for her arrest and turned her in.
When we cleaned out the room she was staying in, it was sickening. Candy and wrappers everywhere as well as cigarette butts (this was a no smoking home). She broke a window and never told anyone. She used my friends great grandmother's vase as an ashtray.
We will never help anyone again! We have learned our lesson the hard way, and it was very expensive!

BellasQuilts
October 21st, 2011, 03:29 PM
No good deed goes unpunished I say. The Lord helps those who helps themselves; some just interpret it as "i will just help myself to whatever you have". I don't help anyone any more who isn't willing to help themselves. Be prepared to enforce the rules, legally. No one should take advantage of any one's good nature in these ways.