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View Full Version : Mendacity - I Just Don't Understand



mommadeb
May 2nd, 2015, 03:44 PM
I'm not generally a grumpy person but today has pushed my limits with my stepdaughter. My husband had the weekend off and she had her daughter (2yo) this weekend. Since her daughter is with her dad every other week, it's hard to be able to see her. SO, today, my DH talked to his DD and told her we were coming in to visit. Her response? Ok, I have no plans and I'll be home.

Great! Our plans for the day were good to go. DH talked to her later this morning and then again about 30 minutes before we left to drive into town. Yep, she was still going to be home. No plans.

Low and behold, we get to her house and she's not home. We assumed she had gone to the store quick or something. DH called her and her reply was: my boyfriend and I are picking up his parents and taking a daytrip. We won't be home today.

I was beyond angry. I almost had tears. DH is upset. When he talked to her after we got to town and she told him this, she never even apologized! We get home and I write her this: "I have to tell you, I am a bit angry/frustrated with you. You knew we were coming in today to visit and yet you chose to leave and go with your boyfriend. Your dad even talked to you just before we left and you were going to be home. SO, we came into town ONLY for the reason to visit you and so we could see Sara and spend the afternoon with her and maybe do something else fun. When you decided to not be home, why didn't you call your dad and tell him??? I just don't understand the behavior. This was our one chance to see her when your dad had a weekend free and Sara was there. I was so angry at you that I was almost crying. Don't bother calling me now as I'm not going to answer. I really don't want to talk to you right now. You've hurt both our feelings bad with this today. I put Sara's teppi (blanket) on your door at home. Hope you found it."

Here is her response: "I'm sorry i had no idea you were coming to town today, dad called me 3 times to day and did not mention it, of course we would have been home if we had known, sorry again. I feel really bad, and you know i'm not this cind of person."

I called bull**** on this and told her so.

My other gripe? This one is a total gross-out. We went to IKEA in Kopavogur today and I went into the WC. A woman followed me in with two children (3 & 5 about). The 5yo was eating an ice cream cone and was going to walk into the stall. I said: Ekki me­ Ýspinni (not with ice cream). She looked at me and smiled. The mother looked at her and told her it was ok. She let her daughter go into the stall with her ice cream, come out and not wash her hands.

What the heck????:icon_angry::icon_beuj:

kaydee
May 2nd, 2015, 04:48 PM
I'm going to suggest you keep an open mind. Just hear me out.

Something like what you experienced could happen to me, and it would not necessarily be my daughter's fault. My husband has VERY weak communication skills when it comes to stuff like this. I could see him calling my daughter and asking her if she had plans for the weekend, her saying "nope, we're staying home" and then him then telling me, "She knows we're coming and she'll be home." If and when we got there and she wasn't home, he would then say either, "I'm sure I told her" or "I assumed she knew."

I swear to God, it could happen, and in fact similar things have happened many times over.

Have you ever listened to your husband have a conversation with someone and realize the two of them are on completely different pages? That your husband has left out a crucial fact in the conversation, either just assuming the person knows or not realizing he didn't say it (because he thought it)? I have observed things like that several times with my husband.

Your stepdaughter's response to your message struck me as sincere, pleasant and mature. She doesn't come across as a jerk, so as a person viewing this from the outside, I have to say, it looks like a miscommunication to me. Just because your husband said she said, "Ok, I have no plans and I'll be home" doesn't mean she actually said that, unless YOU heard her say that.

I've been married 35 years, and I know my husband's "weaknesses", and I would never let him make plans like that unless I was listening to the conversation, because after 35 years I've realized mistakes like what you experienced will likely happen.

mommadeb
May 2nd, 2015, 05:37 PM
Kaydee

Good point. But had I NOT heard the conversation myself I would feel differently. I was right next to him when he talked to her and I could also hear her.

Amy R
May 2nd, 2015, 06:20 PM
Oh dear, I'm so sorry.

KPH
May 2nd, 2015, 06:23 PM
I'm so sorry. Hope things get better.

kaydee
May 2nd, 2015, 07:08 PM
Oh, yikes.

Does she have a demanding, controlling boyfriend? I can't imagine what would possess her to do such a thing without so much as a phone call. Really odd behavior.

As to the ice cream thing -- yuck. I can't even imagine . . .

Sandy Navas
May 2nd, 2015, 09:43 PM
Wondering where the kid put the ice cream while going . . .

irishrn
May 2nd, 2015, 10:50 PM
I'm so sorry that this was your experience with you visit to the DSD. Sometimes I can't believe the way people behave either.
But it's best if you let it go for the sake of the grand daughter.
I hope things go better for you both in the future.

bscuzz
May 3rd, 2015, 03:09 AM
Doesn't it make you just want to go to sleep . . and wake up . . . 'n it was just an unpleasant dream?!?!?! I must say, I can sympathize, I have a similar situation with my own daughter's 'poor priorities' and near lack of communication! I keep hoping things will eventually get better - and I hope the same for you - the 'Grands' are too important to allow it to adversely affect them. Good Luck.

The rugrat with the ice cream cone - I was wondering the same thing Sandy was! Icky!

Hulamoon
May 3rd, 2015, 03:37 AM
My dh turns his back while he's talking and sometimes walks away still talking. I can't hear him, so now I just guess. lol Was the ice cream in a cup?

rebeccas-sewing
May 3rd, 2015, 04:34 AM
I just don't get it. Is this the first time she's done something like this? I know she must be fairly young to be having memory problems, but I'd keep an eye on her if she's exhibiting unusual behavior.

I'm sure I would've been upset to see a parent being so careless with their child's hygiene. The sad thing is there are so many children in our world who are not treated well. It's really heartbreaking to think about the things that innocent children are sometimes subjected to. What you witnessed is just a drop in the bucket.

Hulamoon
May 3rd, 2015, 04:53 AM
I was thinking about this some more. I have a stepson in his thirties now.He flaked out alot. Said he was coming or promised something. Well a couple of days ago I asked if he could help with moving some furniture for me and he said tomorrow after work.
I'm not going to get mad if he forgets cause I know him already. I'm going to buy that six pack anyway just in case.

alliek
May 3rd, 2015, 10:43 PM
Some days you think you are in a frame in MAD COMICS! Sorry, I hope things work out. Yes, where did the kid put the ice cream when....????

New York Sue
May 3rd, 2015, 11:10 PM
I've taken care of this Gen during childbirth. OY VEY!

My boss recently told us that we should consider their childbirth experience like a Broadway production....
My words to follow, not hers.

They've been filmed ALL their lives, and have been taught by Mr. Rogers that they are SPECIAL. They cannot except any pain, because they have been flooded there entire lives with what pill can cure their ills. They have been taught by reality TV that rude and outrageous behavior is acceptable.

Welcome to my happy life.

My workplace (RN, 30+ years) is now reimbursed by patient satisfaction.
Four and a half years more to go. God help ME!

I know this is a little off topic, sort of. Please read between the lines....

mommadeb
May 6th, 2015, 04:18 PM
Nope. A cone.


My dh turns his back while he's talking and sometimes walks away still talking. I can't hear him, so now I just guess. lol Was the ice cream in a cup?

CraftHer
May 6th, 2015, 05:58 PM
Yesterday at work, I'm going to the restroom and two people were walking in front of me. The girl hands the the guy her apple and says "Hold this for me". He says "You want me to hold your apple?" She said "It's better than taking it into the restroom!" It made me think of this thread. :)

Iris Girl
May 6th, 2015, 06:25 PM
I would just let it go . I understand your frustration. Have put up with that all my married life. Don't ever let hubby make plans or anything important. He listens with 1/2 a good ear. Walks away when you are talking or he is. And for some reason thinks I can hear him from one end of the house to the other when he can't hear me. My kids many times listen and answer me and then 5 minutes later come and ask the very question I just asked and they answered. Guess thats from hubbys gene pool. Any way you have to pick your battles.. LOL somedays I choose to battle some not.

mommadeb
May 6th, 2015, 07:12 PM
We're just letting this cool off. My guess is that the next time she has her little one, she will call us to come visit. Nothing more has been said about it to her.

Oh, my husband has the 1/2 ear problem too, but I DID overhear the conversation between him and the DD. Oh well.

Thanks for all the "coaching" everyone.


I would just let it go . I understand your frustration. Have put up with that all my married life. Don't ever let hubby make plans or anything important. He listens with 1/2 a good ear. Walks away when you are talking or he is. And for some reason thinks I can hear him from one end of the house to the other when he can't hear me. My kids many times listen and answer me and then 5 minutes later come and ask the very question I just asked and they answered. Guess thats from hubbys gene pool. Any way you have to pick your battles.. LOL somedays I choose to battle some not.

kensington
May 6th, 2015, 07:25 PM
I'd be mad too. I'd stand my ground and not let her gloss over it blaming her dad for a minute.

Not sure if the next time she called that I would go or make time for her.

IBake
May 7th, 2015, 09:09 PM
Or the next time she comes to visit......just leave 5 minutes before she is to show up. OH, were you coming today? I didn't know that..... I know it sounds good, but you and I were raised different than that.

Hubby and I were talking about that yesterday. Our youngest son is a manager and is having issues with an employee....his job isn't "fun" enough for him. Son gives him other stuff...that isn't fun enough either. Wants a 6 figure salary but doesn't want or know how to pay his dues to get it. Dad offered our son a pillow for him to put on his desk to beat his head against.
ain't life grand.........