PDA

View Full Version : How do I get rid of this guilt?



Hulamoon
February 14th, 2015, 10:59 PM
My last family member passed in 2010, my favorite auntie. I took care of her through Hospice. I came home with a stack of pictures at least three feet tall of everyone. I did make an album of my mom, but I can't do any more. My kids don't know them and will never be interested.

I did toss my moms trip to Africa album away. My Aunt said it was't your trip. I need to de-clutter. I still have my moms, aunt and uncles and my aunts friends ashes in my closet.

Some people like old pictures, should I just donate them?

K. McEuen
February 14th, 2015, 11:04 PM
I say if your kids have no interest in them, then you do what ever you want with them. You might consider scanning them and storing them on a thumb drive or a DVD just in case you want to look at them at some point in time. That way they won't be lost completely and they take up a lot less space.

Carlie Wolf
February 14th, 2015, 11:19 PM
Karen I think that's a good idea although time consuming. I did that with my mothers albums. Since about half the pics were of my mother when she was growing up I found that lots of the cousins were interested in them because there were also pics of their mothers and fathers when they were young. I did the same thing with my mothers old recipes. Have to say though it's not something that I'd enjoy having to do again! The other thing is that although our own kids or siblings may not be interested sometimes a grandchild eventually does take an avid interest. You never know but it's so much a personal decision.

Hulamoon
February 14th, 2015, 11:30 PM
Well I don't have anyone to share with so I guess I wll go through them again and just pick out ones I was involved in. I don't feel like making a documentary.

Carlie Wolf
February 14th, 2015, 11:35 PM
I definitely wouldn't feel guilty about it that's the most important part :icon_shake:

Hulamoon
February 14th, 2015, 11:46 PM
I definitely wouldn't feel guilty about it that's the most important part :icon_shake:

I know, it's only me so who cares. My girls aren't going to say let me see a pic of your mom when she was 19. Okay I'm going to drag them out and get it over with. blah

LRM
February 15th, 2015, 12:30 AM
My history professor friend would suggest giving them to university or library. They archive things, even if they don't know who they are. If you give them the date and location they might be happy with it. Anyway, it would go to people who find history important. Just an idea.

FabStripper
February 15th, 2015, 01:45 AM
For grins I looked on Ebay and guess what? People buy old photos.

FabStripper
February 15th, 2015, 01:47 AM
If you have a picture of a lady that looks manly, with big boobs, and black hair, oh and not smiling, I think that might be one of my relatives.

Hulamoon
February 15th, 2015, 01:54 AM
My history professor friend would suggest giving them to university or library. They archive things, even if they don't know who they are. If you give them the date and location they might be happy with it. Anyway, it would go to people who find history important. Just an idea.That's a good idea. My mom was a child actress and I have several pictures of her with some stars of the day(Ginger Rogers and others) My uncles and aunt were in several plays in some old Hollywood theaters. I'll look into the film schools in LA.


If you have a picture of a lady that looks manly, with big boobs, and black hair, oh and not smiling, I think that might be one of my relatives.

no I think I would remember her. lol

Claire OneStitchAtATime
February 15th, 2015, 01:55 AM
Lorie, declutttering feels good. Keep a few and ditch the rest.

laura44
February 15th, 2015, 02:02 AM
Don't feel guilty at all. You can't keep everything.
Lots of scrap bookers like old photos.

Kgrammiecaz
February 15th, 2015, 03:12 AM
Just yesterday, an aunt of ours found a pic of my mom when she graduated. Dressed up with flowers in her hands. My mom is stil with btw. Anyway, i sent the pic to my kids and they really enjoyed seeing it. They realized their aunt (my sister) looked just like our mom. I know all kids might no be interested, but as they get older, some like to look back.

However, each of us should make a decision that best suits us. Do what you need to do, no guilt necessary.

YellowCockatiel
February 15th, 2015, 03:45 AM
This is a difficult task. My mom is cleaning out her house and asked if I wanted her old pictures. Most of the pictures did not have any names, dates or places listed on the back. My mom didn't recognize or know a lot of the people in the photos. Sadly we ended up tossing them out.

I have photos of several friends who were married, divorced and re-married. I have many school photo of my friends kids. What am I to do with these photo? Who is going to want them when I go?

kensington
February 15th, 2015, 05:28 AM
I have pictures of my family back three generations on both sides and my husband's too... back to the wild west days... That is our heritage. I cherish each one and log them onto disc for safe keeping. I've made books of them too. I love to look at them, and share them with my kids. My kids love the picture of my mom when she was 16. And even when she was a baby... those are framed and hanging in my guest room.

I can't imagine trying to tell my 21 year old about my childhood without the pictures I have to prove it or to help him get a mental image of what my childhood and even my mom's child hood was like.

A good example would be that during the depression, the pictures of my great granny showed her in stockings and mink. So, evidently... they were well off during that time. I found that an interesting tidbit to know about my great granny and pop. It's documented.

My husband says he thinks me being the family historian for us is a wonderful thing.

I don't know what to tell you to do... I only know I have tons of pictures and I'm not getting rid of them any time soon.

dwil23
February 15th, 2015, 05:38 AM
I, too, have tons of old pictures. My goal is to get them into albums. Right now, my kids arenīt that interested. But, at that age I wasnīt that interested, either. I wish I had been. My Mom went through her pictures just months before she passed away unexpectedly and got rid of the oneīs she couldnīt identify. I just wish she had written what she knew about the others on the back of the ones she kept.

rebeccas-sewing
February 15th, 2015, 05:48 AM
I don't think I could bring myself to throw them away, but I could see donating them. You might contact a museum and ask what you might do with them. They probably have some ideas. Recently, my sister donated a dress my aunt made when she made dresses for one of the department stores in Richmond, Virginia. It is supposed to be added to a display in their collection. To me, something that special deserves to be kept in a special place. What better place than a museum. They probably won't want the photos but they may be helpful in directing you to someone who might want them. Definitely keep at least a couple of the photos of the ancestors with whom you are familiar. It's not necessary to keep them all. Just pick a couple that really appeal to you and keep those. Make sure you identify them on the backs of the photos if they are not already identified.

You mentioned ashes. I'm assuming you aren't sure what to do with them. It's a sensitive subject. I, for one, would not take a chance on them being left behind if I was to pass away. One never knows when that day will come. At that point, someone else will dispose of them and you might not approve of how that's done. If you don't care about that then I guess leaving them in your closet is okay. However, I do believe you are concerned as to what to do. Why don't you either scatter the ashes in a lovely place of your choosing or a place that was important to the person.

My mother actually buried my aunt's ashes in her own plot. First off, she was horrified that my cousin had my mother's sister cremated. My aunt wouldn't have wanted that. Secondly, my mother was also upset that my cousin left my aunt's ashes in the car while she spent time visiting friends. The whole reason Mom was upset is because of the lack of respect she felt was happening in regard to my aunt's remains. Certainly understandable. My aunt's remains are still in the container but buried with my mom. A nice place for her to be - with her sister.

I think that ashes should be given back to the environment. I would choose to scatter them if it were me making the decision.

shirleyknot
February 15th, 2015, 09:32 AM
Ashes can be buried also. Keeping them in a closet just seems so morbid.

Granny Fran
February 15th, 2015, 09:54 AM
Interesting thread as I was laying awake early this morning mulling over what to do with all the "stuff" that accumulates.

Photos have taken a road trip last summer with DS#2 to NC to be scanned. He is hi tech and will do a great job. Will make copies for all family members that want them and each can add tags to what they remember about the photo.

Other stuff, like cards and such have been admired and then pitched after about 2-3 weeks.

Still deciding on some so-called important papers, tax returns, etc. Most do not need to be kept more than 3 years.

DD is interested in family history like ancestry, but wants me to do all the work....ha, we had a verbal family history and if she is too lazy to pass this on, so be it. Things change over time. She spends lots of time texting, but none in writing down family folklore. Sigh...

Just my 2 cents.

Sandy Navas
February 15th, 2015, 11:23 AM
If you have a picture of a lady that looks manly, with big boobs, and black hair, oh and not smiling, I think that might be one of my relatives.

I didn't realize we were related . . .

New York Sue
February 15th, 2015, 11:43 AM
Thanks Rebecca, for recognizing the ashes in the closet...
You live in Hawaii, Lorie. How hard could it be to scatter ashes in a beautiful place?? Just DO it, chica. I think you'll feel a weight of your shoulders.
As for pictures, I remember my photographer SIL once said you could take 8 rolls of film before you have a keeper photo....
She's right you know!
I am guilty of 2 sneaker boxes full of photos. I need to deal with that...

Hulamoon
February 15th, 2015, 12:32 PM
Thanks Rebecca, for recognizing the ashes in the closet...
You live in Hawaii, Lorie. How hard could it be to scatter ashes in a beautiful place?? Just DO it, chica. I think you'll feel a weight of your shoulders.
As for pictures, I remember my photographer SIL once said you could take 8 rolls of film before you have a keeper photo....
She's right you know!
I am guilty of 2 sneaker boxes full of photos. I need to deal with that...


My mom passed in 06 and she went into my aunts closet. lol Then her friend (parents didn't want them) then uncle ,then my aunt. Everyone just said put me with Jeannie(my mom) of course it had to be the Redwoods. lol At this point I'm just going to wait until my dd comes home from the big Island and take them down to the ocean and throw some flowers in.


I don't think the closet is morbid. Morbid would of been if I threw them away in Calif. I had them insured to come Hawaii :icon_rofl:

shirleyknot
February 15th, 2015, 03:10 PM
Oh, that is TRULY morbid! Traveling with dead people.

Hulamoon
February 15th, 2015, 03:31 PM
Oh, that is TRULY morbid! Traveling with dead people.

They went Priority.

rebeccas-sewing
February 15th, 2015, 04:24 PM
They went Priority.Your comment struck me so funny that now I have the hiccups. Thanks a lot! hahaha

Hulamoon
February 15th, 2015, 04:43 PM
Your comment struck me so funny that now I have the hiccups. Thanks a lot! hahaha

:lol:

I feel better this morning. I made the desion about the ashes a long time ago. It's either the ocean or rent a 4WD and go up into the forest. I need my Big Island dd for that.

I have some photo boxes and started to put each person in a box. I forgot I went through these already on the mainland and got rid of stuff I didn't know. I think with my hand being down I'm just frustrated.

Vonnie
February 15th, 2015, 05:14 PM
That's a good idea. My mom was a child actress and I have several pictures of her with some stars of the day(Ginger Rogers and others)


Was your Mom in any movies or shows that we might have seen?

Hulamoon
February 15th, 2015, 07:00 PM
Was your Mom in any movies or shows that we might have seen?

Maybe, it was the forties and since she was young she didn't get all her credits.
Marjean Neville - IMDb (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0627460/?ref_=ttfc_fc_cl_t82)

You want to hear a typical Hollywood story? My grandmother sent my mother from Chicago to Los Angeles to be an actress when she was four. Song and dance, the whole thing. fast forward when I was about eight she would drive by this house in Hollywood and cry. It was her gaurdians house. I'll throw in Magnolias here. She would always complain how she lost her chilhood.

Any way ,Grandma took her back to Chicago because she found out Rose was having an affair. The scandal of it all. Fast forward again to me and my auntie when we went over stories (while under Hospice) Why was mom so sad all the time? Honey she loved the acting and didn't want to go back to Chicago. So my mom lied to me her whole life and made my grandmother sound like a b*tch.

Do I have a screen play on my hands?

101212

kensington
February 15th, 2015, 07:10 PM
How many urns of ashes do you have? It's not cheap or free to bury them, even if you put them in with someone else. (a pre-existing grave) You still have to pay for opening and closing of the grave, and for the sealed vault that the urn will go in... and some cemeteries charge a "shared grave fee"... which could end up being half of the value of the grave now.

Crazy? Yep... when my sister just passed, she wanted to be cremated and placed close to our mom. There was no place close to mom to put her ashes, so I checked on having her put with daddy. Opening and closing of the grave was 400+ dollars, the vault for the ashes was 240.00 and the shared grave fee was 1500.00. Considering that in the 1940's when my grandmother bought those eight plots she paid 50.00 a piece for them. I thought it was a bit much.

Anyway... I'd say scatter them. There isn't anyone anywhere that God can't resurrect when the time comes. I don't think it's morbid to travel with them. My sister took her daughter to Aruba to scatter her ashes. You have to get them from one place to another some how.

kensington
February 15th, 2015, 07:18 PM
She probably resented her mother for giving her up. Even thought she loved being a child star. Still, you want your mom. That is my guess.

Iris Girl
February 15th, 2015, 07:30 PM
When my Mom passed 20 years ago. I was beside myself. We did not expect her to go like that or so young. Her father had bought a plot in the late 50's to hold 5. One for the family headstone. 2 were for himself and grandma. The remaining 2 were for his unmarried daughters (my mom and her sister) Since all other siblings were married. I had her cremated and her ashes were buried in front of the family headstone as we were advised not to use a plot for the small box. My Aunt (her sister in law) was so infuriated that we done it that way (Mom had no insurance) and did not give her a stone...LOL I knew where she was that out of guilt she had mom's name and dates engraved on the family stone. Told me My Uncle ( Mom's brother would be rolling over in his grave at how we buried her....No other family member had a problem with it. Do what you think is right in your heart forget the rest. I will never forget, my cousin gave a luncheon after Mom'd funeral for family and my cousin whom I grew up with as brother and sister almost (Mom and her sister the 2 blacksheeps of the family non married and had kids) was taking lots of family pictures when we asked if we could get a copy he said sure if you want to pay for them... what this was my Mom's funeral, My cousin worked as a high paid computer tech for intel at the time.... yeah so much for family. Don't have much to do with what is left of ours..
Sorry got long winded and off topic a bit.

Hulamoon
February 15th, 2015, 07:40 PM
Pay for pictures? That's just sick.

Well I have no one to worry about and I picked forest. I haven't been to this one since I first moved here. 4 WD country.
https://www.google.com/search?q=swoon+quilt&biw=1062&bih=477&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=SxnhVNz5MMfsoASF84KQCQ&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAg#tbm=isch&q=sugi+grove+kauai


It wll be a nice day with my girls.

Iris Girl
February 15th, 2015, 07:42 PM
Lorie this looks like a gorgeous spot! Yes it will be a nice outing with the girls and free you of some burden. (((HUGS)))

Claire OneStitchAtATime
February 15th, 2015, 08:05 PM
Pay for pictures? That's just sick.

Well I have no one to worry about and I picked forest. I haven't been to this one since I first moved here. 4 WD country.
https://www.google.com/search?q=swoon+quilt&biw=1062&bih=477&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=SxnhVNz5MMfsoASF84KQCQ&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAg#tbm=isch&q=sugi+grove+kauai


It wll be a nice day with my girls.

Lorie, I'm so glad you made this decision. It's a good one.

Claire OneStitchAtATime
February 15th, 2015, 08:16 PM
Maybe, it was the forties and since she was young she didn't get all her credits.
Marjean Neville - IMDb (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0627460/?ref_=ttfc_fc_cl_t82)

You want to hear a typical Hollywood story? My grandmother sent my mother from Chicago to Los Angeles to be an actress when she was four. Song and dance, the whole thing. fast forward when I was about eight she would drive by this house in Hollywood and cry. It was her gaurdians house. I'll throw in Magnolias here. She would always complain how she lost her chilhood.

Any way ,Grandma took her back to Chicago because she found out Rose was having an affair. The scandal of it all. Fast forward again to me and my auntie when we went over stories (while under Hospice) Why was mom so sad all the time? Honey she loved the acting and didn't want to go back to Chicago. So my mom lied to me her whole life and made my grandmother sound like a b*tch.

Do I have a screen play on my hands?

101212

And PS I have seen the Virginian. My dad loves Westerns :)

Deegles
February 15th, 2015, 08:28 PM
If you look on ebay there are actually sellers of old photographs. If in the past people had written their names on the pictures, it is kinda of neat to find an old ancestor for sale on ebay. Is it something of interest to donate to a historical commission or a geneology society? I think it would be wrong to just throw them out. If only there was a way to repurpose those photos. If you know the people in the photos and like some of the photos make yourself a quilt with pictures of loved ones on it.

Your children you mentioned are not or never will be interested in them. Do they have children? Sometimes when "grandchildren" occur these photos become more interesting. If it is just a box, is it really taking up that much space? You probably have items in your home that you have not used and have no use for.....those are the items I would purge. If it were me I would hold onto them.

Deegles
February 15th, 2015, 08:32 PM
If you have a picture of a lady that looks manly, with big boobs, and black hair, oh and not smiling, I think that might be one of my relatives.

That is hilarious!!!!!

Annette Ackley
February 15th, 2015, 10:59 PM
I would keep the photos. My Mom just recently gave me 3 boxes of photos. There is a box for each one of us kids. I guess, it is my responsibility to give the other 2 boxes to my Brothers. Sad part is we don't talk to the one Brother. So, I think I will send him his box. My Sister passed away 3 years ago. Her ashes are sitting on the shelf in my Mom's sewing room. When my Nephew gets older we will give him his Mom's ashes to do with whatever he wants. He was her only child.
When it all comes right down to deciding what to do, it all works out somehow in the end.

snippet
February 16th, 2015, 12:38 AM
I would scan them and donate the real photos to a genealogy library. My sister and I scanned my dad's old slides before my mom passed away. We then had several family nights showing the slides on the television - my mom loved it and told many stories. Our kids were fascinated by the old stuff.

If you don't feel like scanning the photos yourself, you can hire a teenager to scan them for you. It's easy to do and can be cheap. Talk to a high school teacher for help.

dlsnaples
February 16th, 2015, 06:39 AM
Scanning is a good, I should do that. I became the unofficial family photographer and keeper of the family photos years ago. I have recently been going through photos and sending them to my respective siblings. I have decided that I will pass the old, old photos to my niece who has an interest in history. I have dated and named subjects as possible.
One thing this has done is helped me to record names any dates on all the photos I take.

Family dramas are not fun. Weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people.