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WendyI
February 4th, 2015, 03:36 PM
So this March I will turn 49 years old. I have always been a social and family oriented person...that is until I met Scott. He is a very anti-social person, does not like having people in his house even though he is an exceptional host and enjoys himself once it happens. Over the years it has become more and more difficult to get him to allow me to plan events for our friends and in the past 4 or 5 years we have done virtually nothing. I have become more and more reclusive and now I have no one in my life that I can call a friend other than my cousin who is family but lives a half hour away.

I am not much of a joiner and have become a "home body"...once I am home from work I don't like to go out again.

The thing is I am incredibly lonely. My immediate family all live 1400 miles away and further on the east coast of Canada so I am lucky if I see them once a year...and I am always the one who has to visit them. I have been lonely for a very long time but Scott and Liam helped to fill that void. Now that Scott has decided to end our relationship I am lonelier than ever. I spend every night alone in my room and weekends are torture.

I don't know HOW to reach out to people...I try and it just never seems to work. People at my age already have their own lives and friend groups...there is no room for me it seems. I don't think I'm a bad person...I can be funny and engaging and I'm capable of intelligent conversation. I enjoy a variety of hobbies and love to read...or I did before my life fell apart. I don't want Liam to feel like he has to be my support system. If people do reach out to me (which is very rare) I panic...I think if they actually meet me they won't like me so what's the point? But mostly people just don't include me. They have their own busy lives. Surely I'm not the only one like me?! I keep thinking that one day I will meet that one person who can be a good friend but it just doesn't happen. I love people and talk to strangers all the time, but making friends is so hard for me...I guess I just don't trust people not to hurt me? How do I overcome this?? Any suggestions are sure appreciated. xox

asta
February 4th, 2015, 03:44 PM
I have found that most quilters are wonderfully accepting of new people, so my first suggestion would be to sign up for a class at a local quilt shop if at all possible. I am sure that after you get settled in your new place you will find a neighbor or two that will be glad to have you as a friend.

bubba
February 4th, 2015, 03:45 PM
If you can, sign up for classes at a quilt shop! I have made some great friends the past few years since I developed this illness!! It's funny, but all the people I thought were my good friends (the ones I worked with for all those years), I never hear from at all...maybe every once and again on FB, but that's it. I only see them if I go to the 911 center. No phone calls, nothing. They always seem happy to see me, but I still find it very upsetting. My best friend (since the first grade!) lives over in the Marshall Islands now and I am lucky to see her once a year when they come home at Christmas. This last time, we saw them for about three hours in the month they were here. Yes, I know they have their kids spread out and new grandchildren to see, but still I miss her terribly.

Your life is changing and I truly believe you will find and make great friends.

K. McEuen
February 4th, 2015, 03:48 PM
You need to get involved with something. A quilting class, a book club, just something that gets you out of the house and around other people at least once or twice a month. Get used to that and make an attempt to talk to at least two different people at the meetings each time you go as well as talking to the ones from the previous meetings. Before you know it you'll be back in the swing of things.

mommadeb
February 4th, 2015, 03:55 PM
Oh Wendy. My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel. I do not make friends easy either as I find it very difficult to trust people plus, I tend to keep my mouth shut when I'm around people I don't know that well so I've been told I'm stuck up. I have two good friends but they are in the States and I am here. I never had 'girlfriends' growing up. I have some friends here but no one to go shopping with, out for coffee or whatever.

How about you and I start a friendship?

WendyI
February 4th, 2015, 03:56 PM
Oh Wendy. My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel. I do not make friends easy either as I find it very difficult to trust people plus, I tend to keep my mouth shut when I'm around people I don't know that well so I've been told I'm stuck up. I have two good friends but they are in the States and I am here. I never had 'girlfriends' growing up. I have some friends here but no one to go shopping with, out for coffee or whatever.

How about you and I start a friendship?

That would be great but the commute for coffee is a tad long! LOL!

bscuzz
February 4th, 2015, 03:57 PM
Oh Wendy, darlin' - your potential is limitless! I remember some pretty horrible times as I was faced with divorce at about your age. Suggestion #1, be yourself . . . . if you express yourself in a face-to-face situation as you do here on the Forum, you will find friends I am sure. For me, I found a real friend in the aisle of the super market!?!? I found several friends in a 'therapy class' called "Alone After Divorce"! The following quote was a help to me way back when, maybe it will help you, too.

"I can tell you firsthand that being alone after divorce is very scary, isolating, and lonely. It stinks, actually. But, once you learn how to be comfortable being alone after divorce, you get a gift: an empowering, independent feeling that brings reflection, peace, self-confidence, and self-love."

The essence is 'being alone doesn't have to be lonely' - I learned to enjoy my own company - and I'm sure you will, too. It's kinda like loving yourself radiates and people respond to you - not as a couple, not even as a mother, BUT to YOU! There's so many people here on the Forum rooting for you . . . let us be your support system and keep us posted as your life changes. :icon_hug:

Midge
February 4th, 2015, 04:03 PM
Wendy, I know exactly how you feel. I went through some very lonely times after I left my husband. Like your situation, mine grew more and more reclusive and destroyed our social life. Most of my family is gone now, except for 2 cousins 1 1/2 hours away and my sister in Texas. I sure don't want to cling to my son - he has his own social life, and that's the way it should be. I didn't start with a quilt guild, but that's a great suggestion. Common interests make it so much easier to chit chat. I did some volunteering, and that's a good time filler as well as gratifying, but not really social. And the age thing is a definite detriment. Do you have the online site meetup in Canada? It's here in the US and I found a very nice, though small group of friends that way. There are meetups for many interests. You will meet people in similar situations to yours. Everyone is there for the same reason - to meet like minded people. Good luck, and be patient.

grammakim04
February 4th, 2015, 04:41 PM
Hi Wendy, I can so relate to what you are going thru. Since my dh become sick, it's been very lonely for me. I live in AB and my family lives in Manitoba, my daughter and her family live in ON. People who I thought were our friends just disappeared the sicker Chuck became. His family constantly nags at me how I do this and that wrong that I had to stand up for myself and say that some of them are no longer welcome in our home because of the emotional damage they were causing.

I know for myself, I have lost my self confidence...who would want to be around me, it's so hard. I was talking to a wonderful friend I do have who loves to quilt and we get together with 5 others who also love to quilt once a month and it has helped me so much. We rotate going to each others homes. One lady who comes loves to crochet and another does her cross stitch, but at least it is getting me out of the house and with some lovely ladies.

I have to tell you, I am so careful about letting anyone in my world because I have been hurt by so many.

I had to see a therapist because I just didn't understand what was happening, we needed the support right now with my husband's illness and it just seemed everyone was just running away. Apparently, this is quite normal when people find themselves in difficult situations...but it sucks.

Will keep you in my prayers.

Kim

Claire OneStitchAtATime
February 4th, 2015, 05:09 PM
Hi Wendy, I can so relate to what you are going thru. Since my dh become sick, it's been very lonely for me. I live in AB and my family lives in Manitoba, my daughter and her family live in ON. People who I thought were our friends just disappeared the sicker Chuck became. His family constantly nags at me how I do this and that wrong that I had to stand up for myself and say that some of them are no longer welcome in our home because of the emotional damage they were causing.

I know for myself, I have lost my self confidence...who would want to be around me, it's so hard. I was talking to a wonderful friend I do have who loves to quilt and we get together with 5 others who also love to quilt once a month and it has helped me so much. We rotate going to each others homes. One lady who comes loves to crochet and another does her cross stitch, but at least it is getting me out of the house and with some lovely ladies.

I have to tell you, I am so careful about letting anyone in my world because I have been hurt by so many.

I had to see a therapist because I just didn't understand what was happening, we needed the support right now with my husband's illness and it just seemed everyone was just running away. Apparently, this is quite normal when people find themselves in difficult situations...but it sucks.

Will keep you in my prayers.

Kim

Yup, some people can't handle the hard stuff. I know exactly what you are talking about, Kim.

Wendy, are there former friends you might reach out to? You know -- I'm sorry we drifted apart, would you like to have coffee & catch up? I have one excellent friend who was out of my life for a while -- long story -- but I ran into her in the supermarket parking lot one day, and we made plans for coffee not long after, and it turned out we both missed each other and were ready to put the past in the past. That was probably eight years ago now; and since then we have been buddies through thick & thin. At a quilt class you will find other folks who are recently divorced or retired & wishing to make new friends; there are other folks who take a quilt class to meet other people. I agree it's worth a shot :)

Meanwhile, give yourself time. You are warm and funny & you will develop a new social life in time.

Snip Snip
February 4th, 2015, 05:10 PM
It has always been difficult for me, too, to make friends, but now that I am retired, my mother passed, and my DH has so many social anxieties, I found myself with only forum friends. Which are great, but I needed face to face friends, too. I started going to an exercise group, and made friends there. Two of them were talking about a book group they belong to, and I asked if it was open to new people, so I joined that. I am not normally a church person, but I really want to start going to church, for the spiritual and the social aspect. My brother says that spirituality and sociality go together, and I believe that is true.
And Wendy, 49 is still very young. You are a very attractive person, and I bet you are a lot of fun. Sometimes guys your age need a little nudge, since they probably have been hurt, too. Don't be afraid to s l o w l y get back in the "dating" scene.
It is exciting to be able to start your life over. Scary, too. But exciting. This could be the best time in your life, coming up.

Simply Quilting
February 4th, 2015, 05:40 PM
Agreeing about trying classes at a local quilt shop. You might check into a quilt guild if there is one in your area. You might see if there is a book club in your area - the library might know of some.

Pandabear
February 4th, 2015, 05:46 PM
See what your local library has to offer. Also, I'm not sure what age Liam is, but is it possible to become involved with his school? I used to help out when mine was in elementary school and made a couple friends that way. Having children the same age gives you something in common.

Preeti
February 4th, 2015, 05:48 PM
Toastmasters International. Toastmasters International -Home (http://www.toastmasters.org/)

It is an international club for communication and leadership. There has to be a club near you.
Some of the best people I know, I have met them through toastmasters. They are always very welcoming. You go to a meeting and see if you like it. You can be involved as much or as little as you want.

fatquarters
February 4th, 2015, 05:57 PM
I think you have been given very good advice. give yourself some time. I would start with the quilting group, or even a gym, even though I am not very fit, it would do me good, and excersize is good for the soul It really does help with depression, and so much more.

If you could see this couch potatoe, you would not believe I just said that!

Sylvia H
February 4th, 2015, 07:13 PM
Lots of good advice already given, and as you can tell, many others who have also experienced what you are going through. You can add me to that group. Some life events put me into the same situation of being very lonely. Definitely look for groups that support your interests, and even for possible new interests. I think most people are always happy to help a 'newbie'.

If you are not already doing so, I think it could be very helpful to seek emotional therapy for both you and Liam. I did not do that when my husband left us, and it something that I regret very much. (My daughter had some serious problems years later, and that early therapy could have avoided that.)

You wrote: "I think if they actually meet me they won't like me so what's the point?" That really hit home. I lost friendships because I thought this way. So even when people were reaching out to me, I sabotaged those friendships because of my own poor self image. Don't do that to yourself. One way that I was able to help myself with many problems was to ask myself. "What would you tell your best friend if she had this problem?" I figured that if I wasn't that harsh with my best friend, then I shouldn't be that harsh with myself.

You are dealing with some major life changes right now, and it is normal for this to be very stressful. Make sure to take care of yourself, and give yourself enough time for all the changes to take place.

MayinJerset
February 4th, 2015, 07:28 PM
a
That would be great but the commute for coffee is a tad long! LOL!

You gals can arrange a time to chat via texting or computer chat, each of you get yourself set up with some coffee and a snack and chat away!

kaydee
February 4th, 2015, 07:31 PM
My first thought was "join a quilt guild." That would be the easiest thing.

I'm sure others will have even better ideas.

Oh, I know . . . Do you have "meet ups" in Canada? My understanding is that they are "meetings" organized for people to meet and discuss whatever the topic is. I think they usually meet in like a bar or restaurant.

My son goes to those all the time. He isn't looking for a significant other (he has a girlfriend), he's just interested in meeting other people with his computer and anime interests.

I don't know much about "meet ups", but apparently they are kind of big thing. You might look for them in your area. I guess you find them online. If you need more help, let me know, and I'll ask my son for more info.

kaydee
February 4th, 2015, 07:48 PM
How about classes: cooking, photography, ancestry, etc. . . anything you have an interest in.

BobW
February 4th, 2015, 07:53 PM
Wendy,

I was there in your place five years ago. My ex was a "Non-social" person who didn't want to entertain or be around people. I was so lucky for the neighbors where I moved. We do things together and enjoy each others company.

One thing I would suggest to you is check to see if you can get in to see a counselor/therapist to deal with some of the issues you have mentioned. One of the things about the type of relationships we have been in is that we allowed ourselves to be isolated and depending on how long it went on it takes time to reverse it.

I also hope you will get in to your local quilting guild or taking some classes. You might even check to see if your LQS has some open sews where you could meet some of the locals.

Take care of yourself and try some of the things that have been suggested.

kaydee
February 4th, 2015, 07:56 PM
Ok, I looked it up. Here is the link to the meetup page for your area: Meetups near Kitchener, Ontario - Meetup (http://www.meetup.com/cities/ca/on/kitchener/)

Hope you find something that interests you. To be clear, this is a thing where people go who do not know each other. I mean, if some of them have been meeting for a while, they will know each other, but the whole idea is that it is open to everyone.

Just like anything else, though, be cautious about developing friendships. I would think meetups for such things as "singles" would attract some who are looking to prey on lonely people. Might stick with special interests for a while.

Good luck. Hope you can find some fun.

lourixe
February 4th, 2015, 07:59 PM
All these previous points hit the point better than I could express myself. Take profit of your hobbies to get in contact with other people that share that interest, may it be quilting, reading, gardening, whatever. If you focus on the activity and not on the people, you won't be as shy or fearful of the others. The goal is to keep yourself entertained, and offer you the opportunity to be with other people that love the same things than you do. Once you are comfortable working in their company, building bridges and breaking barrers is not that difficult, no matter the age.

kaydee
February 4th, 2015, 08:03 PM
Oh, I just thought of something. Are you interested in yoga? I know a few people who do yoga, and you know, they seem like a very friendly, social group. Might be a good place to meet friends, if you could stand yoga. Personally, I'd take solitary confinement over that hot yoga stuff. But to each their own.

Claire OneStitchAtATime
February 4th, 2015, 08:33 PM
Oh, I just thought of something. Are you interested in yoga? I know a few people who do yoga, and you know, they seem like a very friendly, social group. Might be a good place to meet friends, if you could stand yoga. Personally, I'd take solitary confinement over that hot yoga stuff. But to each their own.

I've been doing yoga for years and have never, ever made a friend that way. It's not very interactive, in my experience. I love it, but I wouldn't recommend it as an activity for meeting people.

MaryD
February 4th, 2015, 08:36 PM
Do you have U3A in Canada?

I go into the city every week for our city's craft group. They are a marvellous bunch of people. We sit around chatting, doing our own thing and teaching/learning each other new skills.

Our U3A also has 'let's do' projects - movies, galleries, books etc - each month. They are very popular.

All of the activities allow for people to sit on the edge or to get fully involved.

There is definately life after divorce.

kaydee
February 4th, 2015, 08:38 PM
That's too bad, Claire. The people I know go out for coffee afterwards, always inviting new people along. And they have several social dinners each year. It must depend on the studio.

But yeah, it's yoga, so definitely NOT worth the risk of it being a waste of time. j/k :D

shirleyknot
February 4th, 2015, 08:58 PM
Sounds like your hubby did a serious number on your self respect, and likely some counseling would be a huge help there, along with getting you off in the right direction for new friends. You would be amazed how much help this one thing is.

ilive2craft2
February 4th, 2015, 09:25 PM
Lots of great advice. Take some time to get situated and as you get into your new normal, try out several of the ideas. The first one or two may not work out, but it is as much about timing as it is about you. Everyone is busy and sometimes afraid to put themselves out there - they may have been hurt in the past as well. Love yourself, do things you enjoy and meet people that also enjoy those things.

It is kind of like dating, trying to find someone that meshes with you. One or two good friends are much better than hundreds of acquaintances and a good friend takes time to develop. Hugs, Lisa

sewelegant
February 4th, 2015, 10:26 PM
I was in your same spot many years ago. My ex-husband was very controlling & abusive. I've always had low self-esteem anyway, always thinking that people just won't like me. So my 16 yrs with ex really sunk me to a new low. I was also very lonely. I had 3 kids, but just longed for adults to talk to & do things with. I worked, and every Friday afternoon I'd get really quiet & sad because everyone was always talking about their plans for the weekend & I had none. I was 40, and it seemed that every man that was interested in me was married! What pulled me out of my shell more than anything was going to exercise classes. As I lost weight, and firmed up, my confidence went up. I wish I could go back & kick myself in the behind for just staying home. I didn't have any money to spend on me, but there are always various free classes at the library, church social activities, hobby groups, etc. I just didn't take advantage of any of them because I felt so worthless. So my suggestion to you is to do what I didn't do - go out & find things to do. Sitting home feeling lonely & sorry for myself only made me more depressed. There have been a lot of good suggestions. You know we're all here rooting for you. Test your wings, expand your interests. Be selfish for a change - treat yourself & do what YOU would like to do. Get your hair done, have a manicure, anything to perk yourself up. If you have doubts or trouble trusting someone new, run them past us. We'll be honest!

snippet
February 4th, 2015, 11:41 PM
Ah Wendy, I'm not a social person so I can relate. Try Meetup.com, it's a cool place to find others with interests like yours. You DO need to get out and meet new people. After a few groups, I found one that I like and the people are cool.

songbird857
February 5th, 2015, 12:21 AM
Others have given so many great ideas - Maybe also volunteering somewhere - library, hospital, soup kitchen, nursing home, I know the schools around here advertise for tutors in math and reading. My mom is part of a program in Boston where they pair her up with elementary aged kids to read, and there is even a small stipend!

Miss Sheri
February 5th, 2015, 01:12 AM
Sweet Wendy, just sending you a warm hug, and a little love. :icon_hug:
I feel it an honor to call you my friend, and I am sure, as you let others see a bit more of yourself, they will feel the same way.
Sheri

Monique
February 5th, 2015, 03:29 AM
There isn't much for me to add except thinking of you.

irishrn
February 5th, 2015, 06:02 AM
Oh Wendy! Your post brought back so many memories for me! I do know just how you feel and our lives were so similar!
But I received wonderful advice from a friend! You have to love yourself before someone else will love you!
I didn't get it but I decided that I needed to be a happy ME, before I could be a happy WE.
So I took it slow, and didn't allow critical people in your life! Sure had enough of that before! It did mean separating myself from some very destructive family members and only cultivating friendships that weren't work! I didn't need to fix anyone else, just me! So I ended up with a few excellent friends that I've been with for over 30 years!
So take it slow! Dating is not the answer! Close friendships are where you need to be right now. Everything else will fall into place!
Hugs to you my friend! And yes, there are MANY people here who care about you because you are worth it!

Carol336
February 5th, 2015, 08:59 AM
Not much to add after all this wonderful advice. So I'll just send a few {{{HUGS}}} your way.

Iris Girl
February 5th, 2015, 09:53 AM
Everyone has said it all so well , I'll send you hugs (((((HUGS)))) hang in there all will come together . Time to think about YOU!

WendyI
February 5th, 2015, 11:19 AM
Sweet Wendy, just sending you a warm hug, and a little love. :icon_hug:
I feel it an honor to call you my friend, and I am sure, as you let others see a bit more of yourself, they will feel the same way.
Sheri

Sherri...you're a doll. Thank you. xoxox

WendyI
February 5th, 2015, 11:20 AM
Everyone has said it all so well , I'll send you hugs (((((HUGS)))) hang in there all will come together . Time to think about YOU!

Thanks April. Hugs received with much thanks.

And thanks to everyone. I found a meet up group for divorced people (Thanks Kaydee for the suggestion)....and I actually asked to join. Haven't heard back yet so we'll see what happens. So one day at a time I guess. Thanks again for all the support.

Over40momma
February 5th, 2015, 01:36 PM
Wendy, a journey starts with but a single step. Age only has to do with how we look at ourselves, mostly far too harshly. You have had some amazing advice, just don't be in a rush to try to "fix" everything all at once. We'll be honored to hold your hand if you need it while you take that step. :icon_hug:

quiltingtrish
February 5th, 2015, 06:46 PM
Hugs Wendy - great advice here - wouldn't know what else to add. I am glad you stepped out and asked to join a group. That takes a lot of courage and I'm glad you found that in yourself.

grammakim04
February 5th, 2015, 09:58 PM
I'm so glad you have reached out to a group.....baby steps. Will keep you in my prayers.

Sewflower
February 6th, 2015, 11:32 AM
Try this the next time you go to the store. Make eye contact and when you do tell that person hello. You will be surprised at people's reaction. Just tell yourself what is the worst thing that will happen...They run away screaming. Lol

ravelim
February 6th, 2015, 11:46 AM
You need to get involved with something. A quilting class, a book club, just something that gets you out of the house and around other people at least once or twice a month. Get used to that and make an attempt to talk to at least two different people at the meetings each time you go as well as talking to the ones from the previous meetings. Before you know it you'll be back in the swing of things.

Tremendous idea.

Ahamblin
February 6th, 2015, 12:10 PM
Wendy - you have been given great advice. Congrats on taking a first step. I too would be honored to have you for a friend. I have been where you are so completely understand. Please feel free to contact me via PM or if you would like I can send you my email. Although we have never met you have a wonderful personality and a lot to give. We do travel up to Canada a lot during the summer. Maybe we can meet for coffee or lunch. Sending you cyber hugs.

FabStripper
February 6th, 2015, 02:34 PM
Wendy, it is YOUR choice to allow new people to become your friends, not there choice. Maybe your new place has a social club of some sort or you can start hosting dinner parties where you have dinner at your place one week and another person's home the next month. I did this once and there were 8 of us. It worked out real good and was so much fun after we really got it going. And when you get comfortable with those people they will learn that you wish to meet other people and start to invite friends when they are hosting at there house. Relax and enjoy this one-on-one time with Liam. Before you know it he will be a young adult. You will meet the right somebody when you are ready and not one minute before then. Don't you let Scott take anything more from you. YOU are in control of you and YOU decide how you want your life to be. Remember how you felt when he walked out on you? Walk out on him when the house paperwork is done. You won't need to give him the time of day even. Will he continue to be a part in Liam's life or is he leaving him too? (hugs)

WendyI
February 6th, 2015, 03:13 PM
Will he continue to be a part in Liam's life or is he leaving him too? (hugs)

He will absolutely continue to be a part of Liam's life...he is an awesome dad. I know he wants to maintain a friendship with me...he's told me I am his only and best friend. My best girlfriend who moved to California thinks that he will come back when he realizes living alone aint all that great...but I think I will have moved on by the time that happens. He's hurt me pretty bad...not sure I can come back from that if he changed his mind.

FabStripper
February 6th, 2015, 03:22 PM
He will absolutely continue to be a part of Liam's life...he is an awesome dad.
He's hurt me pretty bad...not sure I can come back from that if he changed his mind.
Glad to see he'll be in Liam's life as a good Dad.
He won't get you back. He might someday be a part of the NEW Wendy's life, but he won't get back the Wendy that he hurt. You already are starting to build a wall to prevent that. Good for you. I'm proud of you.

toggpine
February 6th, 2015, 03:34 PM
This made me think of the song 'She Let Herself Go" by George Strait. I'll see if I can put up a link.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqcY3xcQDKc

Let yourself go, and be more than you ever imagined! Take it one step at a time. Don't let him define who you will be in your future. It was a punch to the gut to be sure. It won't be easy, and probably a bit scary, but you can do it!
Kids take after their parents. Be the person you want Liam to grow up to be most like.

Remember, you have A LOT of people all over this planet that think you are pretty danged awesome right now, just as you are. That is some serious love girlfriend! We are here for you whenever you need us!

Huge hugs for you!

Bjvarizona
February 7th, 2015, 03:20 AM
Even though it's been more than three decades since my divorce, I still remember how he tried to confide in me about his new life. I decided that was not the relationship that worked for me, so declined to participate. He remarried about ten years after I did and he and his wife are very wonderful friends now. For a few years you need to be very separate other than to be cordial for Liam. Our children love both their father and I and their step parents. It's all good now but it took a while. Just know it can work out and hang in there! It's tough at first but it does get easier. Sending understanding love your way.

MBCA
February 7th, 2015, 03:21 AM
Wendy I know how difficult it can be to open up to people and trust that they will not betray you. Remember there may be a few bad apples in the barrel but there can also be some fantastic ones. I have joined book clubs, exercise classes and most recently a quilting guild. All of these were stressful for me but I have made some wonderful friends in the process. Give yourself some time to heal and take it one step at a time, things can only get better. Prayers and hugs!

Heather
February 7th, 2015, 01:24 PM
Wendy, do you maybe have a dog? We moved out of state away from everyone and I knew nobody. I met most all of our neighbors when I was out walking our mutt. Maybe it's not dog walking weather right this minute but in the future it will be. I joined an exercise group too, solid advice. You meet people, you'll feel stronger and your clothes fit better.

Suzyq
February 7th, 2015, 02:28 PM
Wendy, I'm in the same boat as you in many ways. When I read your post I feel like I've written it. With your hubby, I would sit and have a heart to heart, if he cares for you at all, he will welcome guests into your home.. It doesn't have to be every weekend but you can reach a workable solution. If you let him dictate everything, you will sink deeper and deeper into a depression, as your needs aren't being met. If he refuses to address your feelings and find a way that works for both of you, then maybe he's not for you. I've always been odd person out my whole life and to some point even today in certain groups. There is/are very active quilting groups in Kitchener as a friend of mine here in ottawa is from there. One thing that worked for me is,to,set aside your own worries about meeting people and just go up to one person, smile, introduce yourself and chat about quilting, if you're in a class for ex. People love to talk about themselves. If someone is showing her work, instead of saying, oh that's nice, pick out several things about it that you especially like. Ask for advice..I feel that your worries of how you'll come across are getting in the way of meeting people. Sure, not,everyone will warm up to you right away, but you'll be pleasantly surprised at how many who do! A smile goes a long way. Ask someone for ex. How long they've been quilting, anything to break the ice. You have to remember too, that other people are just like you, somewhat insecure and shy.. Maybe by being friendly and approaching them first, they'll be so thankful. If you join a quilt guild which I highly recommend, get involved with a committee As in time you'll get to know many more members. Each time, you push yourself forward, it gets easier. The first few times are the hardest but don't give up! Also, I feel that your home situation is making things worse for you. You need to get this worked out soon before too much time passes. Just my thoughts, you can PM me if you'd like to chat... Big hugs to you...

Neller
February 7th, 2015, 02:37 PM
Wendy, you said you had always been an outgoing and social person until you met Scott. This is now your great opportunity to get to be that person you used to be. I agree with everyone who suggested a quilting class or a book club. I can identify also with your statement that, "I think if they actually meet me they won't like me so what's the point?" This has been a self-limiting belief of mine, too, but it turns out that I am likable, and so are you! I'd be proud to be your friend. I live quite a ways away, but we could be email friends.

My sister went through a divorce after a long marriage several years ago. it was devastating at first, but now, 4 and a half years later, she looks at it as one of the best things that ever happened to her. She is so much happier, and I know that in time, you will be too.

Send me a PM and I'll send you my email address if you'd like to correspond.

Good luck and best wishes!
Nancy

maxwellthecat
February 8th, 2015, 03:53 AM
Wendy, I am so sorry what your going through. My husband used to get mad at me because, wherever I went I would always talk to people. I didn't even care if they were strangers, I would smile at them and most of the time, they would smile back and start talking to them and they would talk back and I got a few friends out of it. Please don't stay home, go out and meet people and have fun. Your young and you are adorable and you will have no problems making friends. Keep us posted as to how your doing. I used to make ceramics and I met a lot of people there.

Juliet Taylor
February 8th, 2015, 07:48 AM
Dear Wendy, I'm really sorry for all you're going thru. it's a very difficult moment but I'm sure you have ahead a wonderful basket full of occasions and friends and happy things of all kind of stuff!

I have no experience in divorce, but I can relate with the difficulty of making friends. I'm 29 and I have just a bunch of friends. I love them all, but I'd love to be more myself with some of them and it doesn't seem possible at times.
Other times I'd love to meet new girl friends, but I have a problem, which I call "I don't like at first sight" :D LOL! I think people like after a LONG period of time, after they get to know me. But it's alright, I decided I prefer to be myself whatever that means.
But maybe sometimes ourselves are making too much of a deal of our flaws! We're just people!

And you look adorable! When I read your posts I see a lovely and sweet person I'd love to talk to! Absolutely! :) I'm just sorry we're so far away! But if you like snail mail, for example, you'd get with me a terrific friend, I love to write :)

All the others gave you great advices. DO SOMETHING!
When I go crazy with anxiety my DH always grabs me and make me go outside for a walk and problems seem to fade away.

You can do it girl! Hugs!!!

Wwena
February 8th, 2015, 10:17 AM
Message me or email me anytime. :)

You have some great advice here in this thread, I hope you find ppl deserving of your attention!

Lilly
February 8th, 2015, 11:04 AM
Wendy, I always love reading your posts. You are funny and kind and sensitive. Dang! I just hate it when people like you get hurt! You deserve wonderful friends - I wish we could all just rush over and cheer you up!

Granny Fran
February 8th, 2015, 11:20 AM
This made me think of the song 'She Let Herself Go" by George Strait. I'll see if I can put up a link.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqcY3xcQDKc

Let yourself go, and be more than you ever imagined! Take it one step at a time. Don't let him define who you will be in your future. It was a punch to the gut to be sure. It won't be easy, and probably a bit scary, but you can do it!
Kids take after their parents. Be the person you want Liam to grow up to be most like.

Remember, you have A LOT of people all over this planet that think you are pretty danged awesome right now, just as you are. That is some serious love girlfriend! We are here for you whenever you need us!

Huge hugs for you!

Best advise yet on that link!!

cmhquilter
February 8th, 2015, 11:20 AM
Wendy, since I started the forum last year, I have always loved your posts. Always so upbeat and cheerful. Always thought you would be a neat person to be around. I have never went through divorce but have made two major moves where I have had to make friends. I am not a social butterfly so I have struggled at times. Just take one day at a time, replace negative thoughts with positive ones and don't be too hard on yourself.

Chrissy

Cat n bull
February 8th, 2015, 12:26 PM
I know it's been mentioned, but volunteering, or getting involved in a charitable organization, is a great way to meet people!

I always sewed for my daughters' school, so when the youngest graduated I needed to find a new organization to sew for, and that's how I found Project Linus!

I have met some wonderful people there, one has become a very close friend to me, and it gets me out of the house at least once a month.

I too would be lost with such a drastic, and hurtful, life change. But you ARE warm and caring, and you deserve to move forward in a peaceful and satisfying way!

Deegles
February 8th, 2015, 02:19 PM
Everything comes with time, time will allow you to overcome your trust issue. I can relate. The older I get the less I trust people, I have learned to trust them for what they are. There are less surprises if you try this technique. If you are afraid of hurt, that is the point you are at now. Do not force yourself out if you are not ready to meet a significant other, enjoy your alone time. Learn to enjoy yourself again. Sometimes when you go into relationships too soon, you make the same mistakes. Ask yourself what feels right. Let yourself heal and don't push yourself too fast. However, meeting up with others with the quilting class idea I think is a great idea. Change sucks, but one day I am certain you will be able to reflect on this time positively.

mommiepainter
February 8th, 2015, 03:05 PM
Lots of great suggestions and it seems many of us have been in your same position. Give yourself some time to adjust and I'm sure you will soar. A great book is Simple Abundance by Sarah Breathnach. It will help you to see how much you really still have and give you the little push daily to move forward.

Patty J
February 8th, 2015, 03:56 PM
I like all these suggestions and hope that you try some of them. Maybe your old friends are just waiting for you to make the first step. That step is usually the hardest, but you won't know unless you try. I've not been on the board for very long, but I hope you don't think me a "butinski" as my MIL used to say. LOL Will keep you in my thoughts. Things do get better. Pat PS remember that it is winter now and everything looks and feels better in the Spring. People go out more and are open to new experiences.

Marty
February 8th, 2015, 06:22 PM
Do you have any hobbies outside of quilting. I am the mother of 5 kids and as my nest empties I have felt the same way. My husband and I decided to try something different this weekend. We took a snowshoeing class just for the heck of it. I hate being cold so I was sure I would hate it but I didn't. New people, fresh air... it was fun and it was better than sitting at home watching tv. Try a bunch of things. Some of them are bound to work out.

Lightwriter
February 9th, 2015, 12:43 AM
Wendy, it sounds like you have an opportunity to change your life. It will not be easy, but perhaps you can tear down a few walls and share more with people. It is very easy to get comfortable being by yourself and not wanting to risk criticism or further stress. I have health issues which make it difficult to get out and being by yourself can be very lonely.

You are much too young to give up on yourself. Interest groups may be helpful. You may experience some depression due to all the changes; it is to be expected. There are many resources for counseling and that could be very helpful. I am more than willing to correspond with you and encourage positive change.

Aussiejan
February 20th, 2015, 12:16 AM
He will absolutely continue to be a part of Liam's life...he is an awesome dad. I know he wants to maintain a friendship with me...he's told me I am his only and best friend. My best girlfriend who moved to California thinks that he will come back when he realizes living alone aint all that great...but I think I will have moved on by the time that happens. He's hurt me pretty bad...not sure I can come back from that if he changed his mind.

Dear Wendy,
My heart goes out to you. I was in your situation 27 years ago. I remember walking down my local mall, tears running down my face and feeling I was amongst aliens. I felt so detached and isolated.

When your own identity is so wrapped up in being in a relationship it is hard to find your real self again. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. They say time heals and it does even if it does not seem like it at moment.

I am a little perplexed that your ex " wants to remain friends as you are his best friend". To me this seems as if he still wants to have a degree of control over you and keep you from moving forward.

When I separated, I was lost hurt and angry. I wrote letters to my ex pouring everything out on the paper. I never posted them but put them in a drawer. When I felt the need, I reread them, added to them and put them back in the drawer. Eventually I forgot the letters were there. Some two years later I came across them, reread them and was greatly relieved that I no longer felt that bad. Yes I had managed to move on.

Six years ago I got a message via his son that he wanted to make contact. I responded via email using my partner's address (Richard.....@..etc). I heard nothing back. I can only surmise that "the child bride" had dispensed with him (as had the "older model" he had traded me in for) :).

Baby steps, and pat yourself on the back each time you take one.


Cheers Aussie Jan


PS. If you do not have a pet I would recommend it. I got a goldfish (it couldn't talk back) as I lived in a very small flat. I then got a cat (adopted). Coming home to a furry friend is just the best. I still have one.