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asta
February 4th, 2015, 03:26 PM
A friend of mine has said I am just "sensitive" and have not real reason to be upset with her. I feel that I am a very tolerant and forgiving person so this new title angers me to no end. Here is the story....

My friend (B) lives down the street from me and often stops in to sew and visit unexpectedly. She is not a very experienced quilter and when she comes over, I seem to have to babysit her and I get almost nothing done. I have told her many times that I would appreciate a call prior to her coming but she says "I saw you walking your dog alone so I knew your husband was working and you were home alone" (I am visually impaired and do not drive) . She brings her sewing machine and bags of stuff, stays for 4-6 hours and I usually have to almost shove her out when it gets late or I need to get something done. The other day she did call and asked if she could come over because she wanted me to help her sandwich and finish a quilt-she does not have room for this at her home. I said o.k. and she said she would be over at 10:00. At noon, I called her to see if she was still coming and she said yes but was running a bit behind. Finally she called at 3:00 and told me she was at the mall, she decided to go shopping instead. I was so P&*&^&^ at her, I set the whole day aside for her, passed up a chance to go to lunch with my brother and stayed in the house all day just waiting for her. I let a mutual friend know how upset I was that B would take advantage of me like that. This friend talked to B and let her know how I felt.
B called this morning and left a message that I should not be so sensitive, she would like to try another quilting day since she still needs help with her quilt.
Am I wrong to ignore the call? Am I being too sensitive?

Doloris
February 4th, 2015, 03:41 PM
if you had no other plans I would not be AS upset as if I had passed up other plans, like you did, I would still be upset that I did not start something for myself since I had agreed to help her. What was her excuse for not letting you know she had changed her mind and decided to go to the mall. SHE WAS RUDE!!! You are due an apology at the least!!
I would not call her back. Let her stew for a while and find out that she truly did something wrong. Does being visually impaired mean you have no life??? I think NOT!!!

K. McEuen
February 4th, 2015, 03:43 PM
Um, B wouldn't get her foot in my door after pulling a stunt like that.

Her take is you are too sensitive when really what it is is that she sees you as handicapped and trapped and at her disposal 24/7. I'm not even sure I;d classify her as a friend, she's more of a user.

WendyI
February 4th, 2015, 03:44 PM
She sounds air-heady to me and very self-absorbed. I don't think you are being sensitive at all. To leave you waiting all day and then just go to the mall without calling you is beyond rude IMO.

bubba
February 4th, 2015, 03:49 PM
I would not call her a friend either.....a friend would not treat someone like that. She is using you at her convenience. Maybe next time she comes knocking you can either not be there, if you know in advance she is coming, or not answer the door if it's a surprise. She is using you and that is not something friends do.

Iris Girl
February 4th, 2015, 03:54 PM
She was rude and out of line. She would not get her foot in my door again.

Sharyn J
February 4th, 2015, 03:57 PM
That's just plain rude. She had a phone and should have used it much sooner to cancel. You're not being overly sensitive. Your time is valuable too. I'd let her stew. Of course, if you knew me, I would have been in the car with my brother for lunch at noon!

Hulamoon
February 4th, 2015, 04:10 PM
My mom had a user friend like that and she had to 'break up' with her. Don't know if you want to take it that far, but some people can be so toxic to your mental health.

Midge
February 4th, 2015, 04:11 PM
Beth how upsetting! After all you have put up with this is really (in my mind) the final straw. I agree with what others have said - that B sounds more like a user than a true friend. If she decided to go to the mall instead of sew at your house she should have called and suggested shopping instead and invited you to come along with her. And her defensive response to your friend taking her to task is very telling. She has both shown you and told you what she really thinks. It always stings when someone you thought was a friend turns out to be a betrayer and a user. You don't need this in your life, do you? I would not call her. And if she has the nerve to call you again, tell her the free sewing help has ended since that what your relationship is. Charge her. Plenty. She won't take you up on it and that's the end of it.

Claire OneStitchAtATime
February 4th, 2015, 04:58 PM
Asta, this woman has repeatedly crossed your boundaries. Unless you have some reason to value her friendship anyway -- like you've been best buds since preschool -- I wouldn't feel any obligation to maintain a friendship. We don't have to be friends with people who do not respect our boundaries. I do think it's best to be on speaking terms with our neighbors, however!
As to your other friend -- IMHO she behaved badly too. If you wanted B to know you were upset, it was your own business to tell her. Friend C crossed a boundary too. If she's in the habit of breaking your confidence, I'd keep that in mind when I talked to her in future. But I don't end friendships over a single mistake, unless it's really egregious.

KnitWitRosie
February 4th, 2015, 05:04 PM
You are totally justified in how you feel! I would be upset too as that is very rude!

JCY
February 4th, 2015, 05:16 PM
It's time to set limits with this woman! If she doesn't want to be your friend after you set the ground rules, then it's no great loss. I would never tolerate someone treating me like she does.

Simply Quilting
February 4th, 2015, 05:26 PM
Agreeing that I would not call it a friendship and that she seems like she can just use you whenever she wants.

Pandabear
February 4th, 2015, 05:51 PM
I'm agreeing so much with everyone else. B isn't a friend. She's a user. Unless she has some really redeeming quality, I say let the friendship fade. Don't answer when she shows up unexpectedly. Be busy when she calls.

She'll find a way to sandwich that quilt on her own or she won't. It's her quilt. Her deal.

asta
February 4th, 2015, 05:57 PM
Thanks for all the confidence boosts. My DH agrees, with all of you, she is just using me and wanted me to delete her # from my phone, I just did and it has lifted a ton off my shoulders. I think what bothered me most is that she feels she did nothing wrong. Oh well, one less birthday card to send out next month.

FabStripper
February 4th, 2015, 06:06 PM
Thanks for all the confidence boosts. My DH agrees, with all of you, she is just using me and wanted me to delete her # from my phone, I just did and it has lifted a ton off my shoulders. I think what bothered me most is that she feels she did nothing wrong. Oh well, one less birthday card to send out next month.

I am proud of you! Good for you for cutting ties. I agree that she was taking advantage of you but she can't do that any longer. You just put your foot down on your side at the edge of the line. It will be up to her if you ever let her foot on your side of that line. And remember that is your choice. Teach your dog to quilt. I bet you'll have more fun and get more respect. And when you end up on the news or youtube she will see that she really did blow it.:icon_wave:

Pandabear
February 4th, 2015, 06:12 PM
You also might want to rethink the friendship of the person who told B you were upset. Really, there was no need for that to be passed along.

I am happy you decided to cut ties. Sounds like you life will be much happier without her.

Snip Snip
February 4th, 2015, 06:25 PM
But you know, if the friend hadn't told "B" how you felt, it might have passed, and you might have not had this opportunity to stand up for yourself. I wouldn't hold it against the third party for mentioning how you felt. Sometimes we softies need a little help getting our position known.

Suzette
February 4th, 2015, 06:49 PM
Thanks for all the confidence boosts. My DH agrees, with all of you, she is just using me and wanted me to delete her # from my phone, I just did and it has lifted a ton off my shoulders. I think what bothered me most is that she feels she did nothing wrong. Oh well, one less birthday card to send out next month.

Good for you!! This woman is NOT a friend. She doesn't even come close to the definition. Life is too short to surround ourselves with people like her.

Jean Sewing Machine
February 4th, 2015, 07:09 PM
I have a friend who sews with me. She often pulls that " I'll be there at.." And doesn't show up for hours. I guess she thinks my time as a retiree isn't as important as hers! Not so! Hope you can send this person the message to make an appointment and keep to the time, or forget it!

MayinJerset
February 4th, 2015, 07:21 PM
When we are friends with someone we each get something positive from the relationship. We know what B received from you so ask yourself what did you get out of the relationship? Did she take you shopping or out somewhere because you can't drive? Bring over a goodie or lunch when she spent the day at your house getting all your free quilting help?

Good for you dumping her # from your phone - keep it up.

Sylvia H
February 4th, 2015, 07:31 PM
B is an extremely rude and inconsiderate person. No reason for you to be on the receiving end of that behavior.

tamsterg7
February 4th, 2015, 11:12 PM
Beth, I don't think you are being sensitive, but I do think your neighbor seems very inconsiderate. Rather than ignore the call, and have that on your mind, I would suggest calling her back and letting her know that you didn't appreciate what she did, and that you will call her when you are available and have time for her to come over. No point in putting it off and letting it eat at you!

Carlie Wolf
February 4th, 2015, 11:32 PM
Your "friend" is taking advantage. Yes you have every reason to be upset. Frankly I'd find a new friend if she will not adhere to boundaries that it appears you will need to set. Based on that it appears she has an "entitlement" problem I doubt she will adhere to boundaries. I'm not sure that I'd be in a great hurry to phone her back, perhaps have ready something like; I've decided that Thursdays (or whatever day YOU chose) from 10 to 3 are good for me so perhaps we can set aside Thurs as "group quilting day". Hummmm, good luck in trying to get her to stick with that, sorry, but I don't have high hopes for a person who is so not in tune with mutual consideration.

Women are Angels.
When someone
break's our wings
we will continue to
fly...usually on a
broomstick.
We're flexible like that.
- embroitique

irishrn
February 5th, 2015, 09:25 AM
Being retired doesn't make us free for any and all that comes up for the friends and neighbors! Granted, we can drop and run in an emergency to help someone but this is not the case.
Our time is still valuable! And when I tell someone I'll be there at 11 I will! And if I'm running a few mins late, they will know it immediately! If she does decide to show up at your door unannounced, then I would throw on a bathrobe and answer the door in my sickest looking face and mumble " I'm sick" and close the door!!! Let her drag her stuff back home!!
And if that isn't possible, I'd tell her it's just not a good time right now and tell her it's best to call you to reschedule!
She's not your friend! Charge her for lessons if you must continue on with her.

CarolynK
February 5th, 2015, 09:37 AM
I agree with everyone - she is selfish and just using you with not a drop of consideration for you or your time. I seem to lately be taking the stance that life is too short to put up with people that suck the life out of you and I wouldn't tolerate it either. Telling you that you are too sensitive proves she has no respect for you. Friendship is mutual - and I'm sure you can have/find others that you enjoy. Move forward and don't look back - she doesn't deserve it.

Over40momma
February 5th, 2015, 01:46 PM
You are better to avoid anyone who would DISRESPECT you so blatantly!!! Glad you deleted her from your phone, do not be afraid to delete a person like that from your life. If she shows up unexpectedly, simply say, "Sorry I am very busy, have a nice day" and smartly close the door right in her puss. You deserve much better treatment and until she has the backbone to apologize for being such a jerk, keep that door closed. Just my 2 jaded cents on the matter. ;)

rebeccas-sewing
February 5th, 2015, 04:57 PM
You have every right to be upset. Your friend sounds very self-centered. Actually, I'm shocked that she would just show up at your door expecting you to drop everything to accommodate her wishes. I would put my foot down and simply say I'm not up for getting together today. You don't owe her an explanation either. Just dropping in on someone is rude in my opinion. Also, lesson learned. If you do make plans for a get-together and she doesn't show up at the allotted time don't sit around all day waiting for her. You're not a door mat. Go about your business and forget about her. If she shows up later and you're not there maybe she'll get the message. Honestly, the nerve of some people never ceases to amaze me.

quiltingtrish
February 5th, 2015, 06:11 PM
WOW! She really did that? I'm glad you deleted her number. If it were me and she calls or drops by, I would suggest a specific time and day and whatever time for it to end. Period. I meet with another gal once a month for a quilting day. We both know that it's over by 4 (sometimes I stay later if I'm in the middle of something), but I know at 4 she has to go. It wouldn't matter if she were going home to sit and watch tv. It matters that I respect her enough that when it's time to go, it's time to go.
If you do help her finish up her quilt, I'd also let her know that the first one is a freebie for help, but anything after that you charge so much an hour. Your time is precious and your knowledge is worth of money.

DramaMama
February 5th, 2015, 08:27 PM
Sorry to hear of your troubles with this person. Your time is valuable -- whether you spend it doing something you enjoy, housework, or sitting on the couch for quiet time!

If this person is toxic to you and you don't want to spend time with her any longer, don't. Life is too short to not enjoy it, and it seems like the older I get the more selfish I get with my time!

If you DO want to spend SOME time with this person -- but not an extended amount of unscheduled time -- set up a schedule that works for YOU! Then, offer an invitation in a positive way to this woman. Example:

"B, if you would like to come over to quilt next week, 2 - 4 p.m. on Tuesday works best for me. If that works well, maybe we can make it a regular weekly engagement. If you can't make it, please let me know."

In short, if you want to spend some time with this woman, SET BOUNDARIES! She may be selfish and disrespectful of your time, she may just like being with you, and/or she may honestly have no clue there is anything wrong with spending HOURS un-announced with you or thinking it's no big deal to inform you she is canceling a visit with you. Some people really are scatter-brained -- no excuse, I know, but maybe her behavior is not coming from a mean-spirited place. You know better than I!

Best wishes!

Deegles
February 5th, 2015, 09:10 PM
It is frustrating to make plans and then out of disrespect those plans do not happen. Some people have no idea how much of an intrusion they can be. The only advice I can give is this....have a voice, and be assertive. You do not have to be mean. State the facts when you talk to her. Tell her what a bother it is for her to show up unannounced. Tell her when she makes plans with you, you are to be included when she changes plans as this affects YOU, you are part of her plan. Perhaps if you tell her you would like a weeks notice. And then if she is a no show on that day you just doubled your productivity!!!!

shirleyknot
February 5th, 2015, 09:44 PM
A friend of mine has said I am just "sensitive" and have not real reason to be upset with her. I feel that I am a very tolerant and forgiving person so this new title angers me to no end. Here is the story....

My friend (B) lives down the street from me and often stops in to sew and visit unexpectedly. She is not a very experienced quilter and when she comes over, I seem to have to babysit her and I get almost nothing done. I have told her many times that I would appreciate a call prior to her coming but she says "I saw you walking your dog alone so I knew your husband was working and you were home alone" (I am visually impaired and do not drive) . She brings her sewing machine and bags of stuff, stays for 4-6 hours and I usually have to almost shove her out when it gets late or I need to get something done. The other day she did call and asked if she could come over because she wanted me to help her sandwich and finish a quilt-she does not have room for this at her home. I said o.k. and she said she would be over at 10:00. At noon, I called her to see if she was still coming and she said yes but was running a bit behind. Finally she called at 3:00 and told me she was at the mall, she decided to go shopping instead. I was so P&*&^&^ at her, I set the whole day aside for her, passed up a chance to go to lunch with my brother and stayed in the house all day just waiting for her. I let a mutual friend know how upset I was that B would take advantage of me like that. This friend talked to B and let her know how I felt.
B called this morning and left a message that I should not be so sensitive, she would like to try another quilting day since she still needs help with her quilt.
Am I wrong to ignore the call? Am I being too sensitive?

This is not a friend. This is a user. Please do ignore that call.

Nidan_07
February 5th, 2015, 10:36 PM
Oh Dear Beth,
Sounds to me like B may be using you as a doormat. Unfortunately, B was out of line, and very inconsiderate IMHO.
As far as I am concerned it would have been a common courtesy for her to let you know that her plans had changed. It would also be a common courtesy to phone before dropping by at any time to see if it suits you to have her there. If I were in your position I would be trying to put a little 'distance' between you and her, so that you can have your own space and time, and things are done on your terms. Such a shame that you are made to feel this way. All the best to you.