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rebeccas-sewing
November 15th, 2014, 12:43 AM
I swear I am almost in tears this evening. My daughter's boyfriend has moved into our house to give my daughter company and to save the cost of paying big rent on an apartment that he hardly spends any time in. The main reason I'm allowing this is because I don't want her living here by herself while we're out of the country. He is also a very responsible individual that I know I can count on to help out when it's needed.

He works for a consulting firm and was previously traveling a lot so they would mostly just spend weekends together. He has very recently changed jobs so he isn't traveling at the moment. Since I'm home visiting, we're together a lot and I've discovered that I don't really like him very much. I see them bickering about one thing or another almost every day. He's one of these guys that's a know-it-all. Yes, he does know a lot but I find it disrespectful that he is always trying to tell me a better way of doing things. Holy Hannah I've been doing just fine without his input for the 33 years I've been on the planet ahead of him.

I know my daughter plans to eventually marry him and this really worries me. I just don't think he will make her happy for the long haul. I don't know if I should tell her how I feel or just leave it alone and let her figure things out herself. Why oh why are both of my daughters with guys that I feel are not right for them? I'm beginning to think the arranged marriage bit isn't such a bad idea.

What would I do without you. I know that I can share with you when I don't feel I can share with anyone else.

bubba
November 15th, 2014, 01:08 AM
When our youngest daughter, who had already been divorced, ended up pregnant a few years later (by a man in the army who was headed to Iraq with the first Stryker brigade), she came to me and asked what she should do. Well, I told her she should marry him in case he was killed in the war so she and the baby would be taken care of and then, if things did not work out, we could take care of that later. At the time, it seemed logical. When he was over there, bad things happened and he did not come back the same nice person he had been. They ended up having another child and then the bad things started. The oldest grandgirl, who was not his, ended up w/a broken arm while in his care. He started beating my daughter....he ran over her leg w/their SUV....he made threats to kill her and kidnap the kids. They ended up divorced and he ultimately did kidnap the girls. It was six weeks before we got them back from Texas. I wish I had never given her the advice to marry that monster. If you feel in your gut that she shouldn't marry this man, tell her before it might be too late.

Claire OneStitchAtATime
November 15th, 2014, 01:10 AM
Rebecca, I'm sorry! I'd keep it zipped. She will figure it out for herself; and even if she doesn't, it won't be good for your relationship with her if you tell her how you feel. Grown up daughters don't appreciate unsolicited advice from their parents -- at least, I don't, & I think I'm not alone in that!

A weekend-only relationship can be very romantic, but the day-to-day won't be -- that's why I think she'll figure it out.

Miss Sheri
November 15th, 2014, 01:14 AM
((((Rebecca)))) & (((Pat))) too! Nothing tugs at our heart strings so hard as when our children/grandchildren are headed in a scary path.
We often feel so helpless, as they often don't want/ won't accept our help or advise. Please know you are loved here, and I will keep you and your loved ones in my prayers. Pat, I hope your granddaughters are at peace now, after all that mess at the school. Hugs and lots of love, Sheri

Hulamoon
November 15th, 2014, 01:18 AM
oh wow Pat :(

Rebecca I so feel for you. I let dd's boyfriend move in and it was the worst mistake ever. I never really said yes , it just slowly happened. I was happy when they got there own place. He is so disrepectful, doesn't say hello, total ass. My other dd want's to move back home with her bf and I said no. I don't care how nice he is.

Kgrammiecaz
November 15th, 2014, 01:25 AM
I have three girls, each extremely different in their relationship with me. However, I always express my thoughts about who they make friends with. My oldest married a guy that I called the tattoo boyfriend for the longest time, because I did not know his name initially. Was not sure about the two of them, and just let her know my thoughts. October marked their 16 anniversary. The second one had a baby with a guy she dated briefly. I never met him unti Lily was about 4. She now sees her dad sometimes and my daughter always manages to meet not so great guys. I keep telling her to keep these guys away from Lily, but we can only give our thoughts and advice. Now the baby, while growing up a lot lately since she has been on her own, tells me everything, sometimes too much. I totally trust her judgement.

So what I am saying is go by what your relationship is with your daughter. Just give her your thoughts on what you see and feel and trust her to make the right decisions. Now there living together, and people realize a lot more about their partners that way. Also of course let her know she can tell you anything about the relationship and you will listen without judgement.

I am sure you will figure out whats the right way to handle. Now that I read my note above, I need to listen to myself.

Hugs.

JCY
November 15th, 2014, 01:25 AM
It's so hard to know what to do in situations like this -- darned if you, darned if you don't. DH wishes his parents had given him more advice concerning the gal he was dating. They knew things about her & never said diddley. After 2 children they eventually divorced. Next generation: DH, trying to help DS avoid making a mistake, spoke up & said what he thought. They married; relationships were strained for quite a while. They're still together, but it's not a happy marriage. DH never said, "I told you so." It breaks your heart to see your kids in relationships that are not healthy. Pray for wisdom. Speak up if the right opportunity comes up. Usually, their minds already are made up, & your opinion doesn't matter. Maybe you'll have to bite your tongue. JCY

bec
November 15th, 2014, 01:32 AM
I totally understand your concern and frustration with the way things seem to be going. Only you know your daughter and how she will react. Sometimes giving our opinions, as well intended as they are, can back-fire. Sometimes it can even cause a rift with our relationship with that person. Step back from it for a bit and take a deep breath before you go forward and if you believe in prayer, it doesn't hurt to ask for guidance. Good luck on whatever decision you make. Hugs.

Leah53
November 15th, 2014, 01:40 AM
Rebecca, I know what you're going thru. My granddaughter who has a bright future is involved with someone who has no future and I have told her exactly how I feel but ultimately the decision is hers but there's no way he would move into my house. He's 21, wouldn't get a job until she forced him too, doesn't even have a drivers license and she defends him, she will figure it out sooner than later and I hope sooner because she's planning to move in with him next August.

You should talk to your daughter and get a sense of how she really feels and if she thinks it's the right situation for her. Tell her how you feel without putting him down because that would put her on the defensive. Just come out and ask her if she thinks he's the right person for her and where and why she thinks this relationship is going, it will make her think about it even if she doesn't tell you she is.

Carrie J
November 15th, 2014, 01:43 AM
Oh Rebecca, my heart goes out to you soooo much. It's a very, very slippery slope that you're on, and DH and I have been there and done that. We found, even though we wanted to speak our minds, that with our kids, to keep our opinions ourselves. Even as adults, they seemed naturally to deflect any advice we gave them out of concern, common sense and love. It was a very, very heartbreaking difficult thing to do. In doing that, they did realize on their own, with no input from us, that the progression of certain relationships they had, eroded into a total debacle and they ended it of their own accord. We did however, refuse to give refuge to either parties in our home. Hard nosed, yes, but had they been under our roof, it would have escalated into a permanent break in our relationship with our own kids. Something we weren't willing to have happen due to schmucks they let enter their lives. When things did go badly for them, then we were there for them. Now, in looking back and talking with them, and telling/explaining to them that even though they thought we were being hard noses over it all, it was for a very specific purpose, they had to weather the storm on their own. Then and only then did it dawn on them, that our advice at that particular time would've saved them much misery and heartache. Since then, they now willingly seek our advice, with no hesitancy at all. Life is a highway, complete with road hazards, potholes and speed traps. Some things we simply cannot protect our kids from, even though it is the strongest instinctual, driving desire and need of any parent.

Pat, my heart is so saddened by your story. I cannot imagine what y'all went through, especially with children/grandchildren involved. I'm just thankful for all, that it ended!

Hugs, comfort and love to you both.

share60
November 15th, 2014, 02:12 AM
Rebecca, I'm sorry! I'd keep it zipped. She will figure it out for herself; and even if she doesn't, it won't be good for your relationship with her if you tell her how you feel. Grown up daughters don't appreciate unsolicited advice from their parents -- at least, I don't, & I think I'm not alone in that!

A weekend-only relationship can be very romantic, but the day-to-day won't be -- that's why I think she'll figure it out.I agree with Claire,but that is so darn hard to do!!!!!

Mom23
November 15th, 2014, 02:24 AM
It makes me sad to read this Rebecca. My daughter was in an eight year relationship with a man. My husband and I felt it wasn't a good relationship and I talked to her about it several times. Two weeks before she thought she was going to get an engagement ring he called her on the phone and ended the relationship. I hated the way he told her, but I'm glad he was brave enough to end things. She was heartbroken at the time, but now she has found someone we feel is more suited for her. Didn't mean to ramble. I think if I were you I would mention it to her that you don't feel he is a good fit. It might be the way she feels deep inside, but isn't brave enough to do anything about it. Whether you say something or not, good luck. I will keep you in my prayers.

auntiemern
November 15th, 2014, 02:32 AM
I think it depends on how close you 2 are. My DD and I are very close, and I have NO problem telling her exactly what I think. She may get mad, but she always gets happy again. She didn't take my advice on Bubby's sperm donor, and it almost cost her son his life. You know what your relationship is like....if you feel like you can talk to her about it, without causing a big riff between the 2 of you, then tell her. If you fear she will 'show' you...keep it to yourself. I truly do hope everything works out well for you.

GuitarGramma
November 15th, 2014, 03:41 AM
Perhaps instead of telling her how you feel, ask her how she's feeling. You may get an earful, and you may get an opportunity to say what's needed.

I hope it all works out well.

Sylvia H
November 15th, 2014, 05:11 AM
This is definitely a time to search into your "heart of hearts" to decide what you should do. You know best how your daughter would react.

I am very fortunate that my relationship with my adult children allows me to express my concerns. When I do talk to them about my concerns, I preface my comments with something like......"I was wondering"....."This is what it looks like to me"......"Am I understanding this right?"...."May I talk to you about something that concerns me?". All my statements reflect on how I see the situation. If it is something super serious (Like your situation) I will write out and rehearse what I want to say, reviewing my words over and over again to make sure that son or daughter won't feel attacked. (I don't have the written words with me when I actually talk to them.)

I end such conversations with "Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you. I really appreciate that I can do this. And I hope you know that I will always support you and be there for you". Your words may be different, depending upon your own conversation style.

Even in the best of relationships, there are times when we don't seem to be able to communicate our intentions without getting someone upset. At those times, I hope we can rely on the fact that our relationships are based upon love and the desire for the best things in life for all involved.

I sincerely hope that you can find some way to work through this while keeping a good relationship from deteriorating. And yes, there are certainly times when we just have to not say anything at all. As I started this post - this is certainly a time where you have to search your heart of hearts.

Divine Daisy
November 15th, 2014, 07:35 AM
Aw Love, this is hard but................

A couple of things. He is an adult, not a delicate flower made of glass. Instead of telling your daughter initially, next time he corrects you, tell him! Say what you said to us..... Wow Stan (insert name of bf) however did I get through 50 odd years without having you close by to keep me straight'. Do it with a twinkle but a bit of steel and smile slightly. One of 2 things will happen. Either he will get the message and shut his gob.......orrrrrrrrrr he will tattle tail to your daughter. If he does that and she comes to you........there is your opportunity. Tell her...........what? I had a conversation with an adult as I would anyone else. This is my house and I have the right to not be treated like a half wit in it. That's all.

Do not make big statements about his personality. keep it to the point. How he speaks to you is for you to address with him and not involve her and he should do the same. Stay calm and don't allow the conversation to turn into a bitch fest. If SHE says, well I am going to marry him so get used to it yarda yarda, just say.............. It will always be your decision who you marry and I will always wish you every happiness in the world but whoever you marry needs to remember that I am your mother and should be spoken to with respect and I will always tell him if he doesn't do that.

Don't say you don't think he treats her well or won't make he happy. That's the fastest lane to her defending him.........ask me how I know.

Fight your own corner and let her work out where hers is, she will find it and she will always find you there with a towel to mop her up and a bucket for her to spit in. WOW........I do come up with some metaphors..........sorry

lourixe
November 15th, 2014, 07:36 AM
Perhaps instead of telling her how you feel, ask her how she's feeling. You may get an earful, and you may get an opportunity to say what's needed.

I hope it all works out well.

This is also my view. It's HER relationship, so there is no point telling her YOU don't like the guy. But if she is not being treated fairly, shouted at, or whatever, she should be made to think about how she resents that and if it is worth it.

Preeti
November 15th, 2014, 08:09 AM
Rebecca, you are in my thoughts and I am sending hugs and best wishes to you. I am sure that your daughter appreciates that she can count on you in difficult times. That is all you can do and trust me that is the best you can do.
Many years ago, I was in a sticky situation and I did not get the support I needed. You daughter is lucky to have a Mom like you.

On a separate note, I was in an arranged marriage and that did not work out for me. Now, I am happily married but there are days when Paul & I bicker and argue. To a casual observer it may seem that we are about to break-up and that we have very little in common. But our marriage is rock solid.

Once again, sending hugs to you and hoping that you have the patience when you need it most. Trust me, this too shall pass.

Pat.W
November 15th, 2014, 08:20 AM
Rebecca I'm with Divine Daisy on this, trust a Yorkshire lass 'to tell it like it is'. If he doesn't like it, then tough, you know you only want the best for your daughter, if you say nothing derogatory about him to her then perhaps she will see for herself how/whether to proceed with the relationship. She will have to 'live and learn' we all do. Put a brave face on and sort him out!!!!!!!

oldsewer
November 15th, 2014, 08:38 AM
Right on Ms Daisy, the dude is living in your house, that's your ace.
Aw Love, this is hard but................

A couple of things. He is an adult, not a delicate flower made of glass. Instead of telling your daughter initially, next time he corrects you, tell him! Say what you said to us..... Wow Stan (insert name of bf) however did I get through 50 odd years without having you close by to keep me straight'. Do it with a twinkle but a bit of steel and smile slightly. One of 2 things will happen. Either he will get the message and shut his gob.......orrrrrrrrrr he will tattle tail to your daughter. If he does that and she comes to you........there is your opportunity. Tell her...........what? I had a conversation with an adult as I would anyone else. This is my house and I have the right to not be treated like a half wit in it. That's all.

Do not make big statements about his personality. keep it to the point. How he speaks to you is for you to address with him and not involve her and he should do the same. Stay calm and don't allow the conversation to turn into a bitch fest. If SHE says, well I am going to marry him so get used to it yarda yarda, just say.............. It will always be your decision who you marry and I will always wish you every happiness in the world but whoever you marry needs to remember that I am your mother and should be spoken to with respect and I will always tell him if he doesn't do that.

Don't say you don't think he treats her well or won't make he happy. That's the fastest lane to her defending him.........ask me how I know.

Fight your own corner and let her work out where hers is, she will find it and she will always find you there with a towel to mop her up and a bucket for her to spit in. WOW........I do come up with some metaphors..........sorry

Terri
November 15th, 2014, 09:10 AM
Rebecca, as a mother of four sons and no daughters--I have been on the other side. My oldest dated many girls in high school, none seriously. Met "the one" a couple yrs after graduation, and they have now been married 11 yrs and have a beautiful 7 yr old son. Son #2 was madly in love with his high school sweetheart & her parents MADE them break up as soon as he graduated high school (he was two yrs older than her) he was literally crushed to his soul. He will be 32 the beginning of December and has been through 2 bad/terrible/awful marriages. First one, the girl was 4 yrs younger than him--had a 3 yr or 4 yr old son & pregnant with another by the same guy when my son met her--he married her so her could make everything better, fix things, be "the knight in shining armor". Stupidly he put HIS name on the baby's birth certificate--STUPID!!! (and yes I told him so!!) She cheated on him, left him, came back to him--I don't know how many times, she was/is a drug addict. After getting back together one time, all of a sudden they announce "we're pregnant", I was suspicious from the beginning. Still don't fully believe that little girl is his and he knows it. They FINALLY divorced after about 5 yrs. It took him less than 6 mo to fall "in love" again with someone his own age, but with 2 sons from a previous marriage & a daughter born out of wedlock. In less than 18 months they met, were engaged, broken up, engaged again, set a wedding date, changed date, married, she was cheating on him within 3 months (that we know of), he didn't have solid proof until about 5 months. With each of these "women" I have told him EXACTLY what my thoughts are about each one of them and so has everyone else, because he asks for advise.....none of it is unsolicited. But he goes with his heart not his head. Son #3 married his HS sweetheart, the ONLY girl he dated seriously (or even dated period) they have been married 9 yrs and have a beautiful 8 yr old little boy. His wife & I used to have a wonderful relationship, we were friends, could talk about anything, we would go shopping, go out to eat, have girl time....then things fell to pieces when DH & I were keeping our GS one weekend and he would NOT behave and I told both of them we would not keep him again until he would behave for us. We tried talking, time out, even spanking. Found out later he was actually cussing at us...at the age of 3!!!!! After that everything is MY fault, she blames everything on me, I am not a good grandparent, never wanted to be a grandparent and we weren't good parents to our four sons--all her words. And she has turned our son against us. We have not seen him or our grandson in two years. And until he man's up & grows a set, we will not see them. We did NOT raise our sons to be led around by a woman! Son #4 has been married for 4yrs to the most wonderful girl. They are the most perfect match I have ever seen. He never dated in HS, kept his nose to the grindstone and graduated salutatorian of his class. Went to the College of Charleston (SC) entered their Honors College majored in Computer Science & minored in Mathematics--graduated with honors. No babies yet--patiently waiting. So to conclude this long story, four sons.....born of the same two parents, raised by the same two parents with the same values all turned out totally different!!! Go figure..... I love them all with all my heart, but I do not like what they do all of the time. They are now (or will be when bdays hit in Dec 33, 32, 31 & 28) adults and Momma can't fix it, Momma can't interfere---even when she wants to & sees trouble coming. Momma has to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them, no matter how heartbreaking it has been and will be. The story will go on.....I am still their Momma.....and of that I am VERY PROUD. :D

Suzette
November 15th, 2014, 09:31 AM
I have a similar situation with my daughter and her boyfriend. He is not a know-it-all, he is actually a nice enough guy and treats my daughter well, and yet, I don't believe he is the right one for her. Just my gut feeling. I don't tell her this, and I don't put him down in any way. I just plant seeds.

My daughter and I are exceedingly close, but still I don't outright tell her how I feel about this. I did once and she became very defensive of him. Soooo.... no more of that. Instead, when I see or hear things I don't like concerning their relationship, I will casually say something like "that seems a bit worrisome" or "do you think that was appropriate?" then move on to other topics of conversation. I just give her little nuggets of thoughts to mull over but not enough to make her defend him and trench in.

My hope is that in time these things will all germinate into her seeing for herself that while a nice enough guy, he is not necessarily the one for her. And if he is, and I am wrong, then I did nothing to harm my relationship with her (or him) along the way.

I wish all of you all the best. Hugs!!!!!

MRoy
November 15th, 2014, 09:35 AM
It's tough being a mom, isn't it? We deal with the situations with our kids the best way we know how, and it's a crap shoot as to how it will turn out. Rebecca, you and your daughter are in my thoughts. I hope all works out for the best.

Monique
November 15th, 2014, 09:37 AM
Rebecca, we worry about our children, no matter what age they are. If you voiced your opinions, would she even listen to you? My thought is no, I could be wrong. Maybe sit down with her and ask her where SHE thinks this relationship is headed, she just may ask what YOUR opinion is. Then you could give her your thoughts.

Good luck.

Andrea F
November 15th, 2014, 10:43 AM
Rebecca, I feel with you. It's so hard to see our children do things we know are not good for them. Unfortunately, there comes a point when we are no longer able to tell them what to do and let them make their own mistakes. I do think though, it's very okay to express your unhappiness about being corrected by him. You don't have to put up with this kind of behavior.

Pat, that story is just terrible! I hope it's all over now and nothing is ever going to happen again.

rebeccas-sewing
November 15th, 2014, 07:40 PM
My goodness, you guys are so sweet to share so many of your thoughts on the subject. It's so wonderful to have your support. Lots of good advice here. Right now things are calm and I will do my best to stay out of their business. I told my daughter that if he has a problem with her he should share it with her. Standing in the kitchen and criticizing her to me and then expecting me to say nothing is ridiculous, especially when he was in the wrong. One thing I did say to her is that if it had been my husband sitting here instead of me he would never have opened his mouth to criticize Joanna in front of her dad. I hate it that women often don't get the same respect as men.

Midge
November 15th, 2014, 09:41 PM
My goodness, you guys are so sweet to share so many of your thoughts on the subject. It's so wonderful to have your support. Lots of good advice here. Right now things are calm and I will do my best to stay out of their business. I told my daughter that if he has a problem with her he should share it with her. Standing in the kitchen and criticizing her to me and then expecting me to say nothing is ridiculous, especially when he was in the wrong. One thing I did say to her is that if it had been my husband sitting here instead of me he would never have opened his mouth to criticize Joanna in front of her dad. I hate it that women often don't get the same respect as men.

Rebecca, I feel for you my dear. This is such a delicate situation. And I completely agree with those who tell you that to criticize him to her would not work out well. But please--- consider that you are still a role model for her of appropriate and self-respecting behavior of others. You do have a role to play here. If you stay silent while this bully acts up in your own home you are enabling him. When he approaches you to criticize your ways, you can stop him. Calmly but firmly. When he criticizes your daughter to you, you must not let him triangle you in. Tell him you can't listen to that and he needs to develop a more positive way to disagree with others. This is backbiting, and you don't want to hear it. For someone who works as a consultant he is surprisingly tone deaf. Obviously, it takes everyone a while to experience these communication dysfunctions before we figure out how offensive a person is, so he will not stop this behavior quickly or easily if you decide to stick up for yourself verbally. But I am afraid that if you don't let your daughter see her mother demand the respect she deserves, it will take much longer for her to realize how demeaning he is.

Guess I feel that women get respect from disrespectful men when they take the high road and lay down the law in a way it can be heard. I know you can do this.

pcbatiks
November 15th, 2014, 09:52 PM
Hugs to you, Rebecca. You've been given lots of good advice. If you decide to talk with your daughter......the only thing I would add it to practice/rehearse what you want to say. It will help keep you on topic.

mpattylou
November 15th, 2014, 10:29 PM
This is a hard one. My parents did not say anything bad about my then boyfriend...but if they had, I probably would have been defensive about it. So it is probably best to stay out of it. That being said...it is your home, and you have the right to be the boss of your home. Don't know if there is a polite way to say "butt out" when he tries to tell you how you should do things. I always like to say...."that's the way I've always done it and I'm too old to change now." I play that...too old to change" card a lot. Good luck to you. I saw this happen to a neighbor. She let the daughter's boyfriend move in.... I think it made it impossible for the daughter to break up with him since he was living there. We all need our privacy. I think it is time for him to move out...even tho she may move with him....but maybe she won't. This might be her opportunity to tell him to take a hike.

Sylvia H
November 15th, 2014, 10:55 PM
My goodness! I didn't realize that he was criticizing your daughter to you! That is so totally wrong, and I can't think of any reason why you should be quiet when he is doing that. My response would be.......(his name), if you don't like something (her name) is doing/has done, you should discuss it with her. But since you brought it up to me, here is what I think of the situation. Then tell him that he was wrong. Talk in a monotone, non-emotional way. Stick to your guns, too. He will probably say something about a mother defending her child. Just let him know that this is not the case, you are being rational, objective, and you think he is in the wrong, and if he didn't want your opinion, then he should not have brought the problem into your conversation.

I feel pretty sure that if he is acting this way in your home, he is comfortable with this, and he probably does it in other situations as well. Someday, someone is going to put him in his place because of his rude behavior. In the meantime, though, there is no reason to tolerate it in your home. Feathers may be ruffled, but so be it. You are not doing anyone any favors to be quiet about this kind of situation.

As Midge said - you have a role here. Show your daughter how to handle someone who behaves so rudely.