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Hawaii Roxy
June 18th, 2014, 03:42 AM
Well once again DRAMA, my youngest son was arrested tonight for domestic assault. Josh has a temper and is a hot head, he and his wife got into a argument because he dont trust her,she got out of the truck to walk home,they were on a dark road on the outskirts of town he grabbed her arm to stop her from walking,somebody saw and called it in. Well sshe told me that they fought and she shoved him 1st etc ,anyway her story matches his BUT hes the one sitting in jail. Im so so upset we have tried and tried talking to josh but he never listens,he called me crying begging us to bail him out,,,,,,,we have decided not to. My heart is breaking I know hes gonna say we dont love him and that we let him rot in jail. But I cant continue to help this child when he refuses to take or even listen to our advice he just keeps messing up. We dont have a lot of money and would have to break the bank to pay the bail Im so tired I feel like such a piece of sh*#!!!! Im so tired of never having peace ,happiness I dont enjoy life I dont see the stinkin point!
I blame myself maybe its wrong but I cant help it. I see people enjoying their life their kids are a success and mine is a huge pain in the butt!! I MUST have done something wrong . Anyway thanks for reading rant over

stationarymom
June 18th, 2014, 04:07 AM
Hi
I'm sorry you're going through this right now. your son is responsible for his own actions. You are not a terrible mother or person . those are the things he's going to say to guilt you into getting him out of jail,but getting him out doesn't teach him to keep his hands to himself.(whether he started the problem or not) I had a brother that was a drug addict and my parents spent a fortune also bailing him out of jail. bailing him never changed his behavior,so finally after my mother died I actually had to talk my father into letting him stay in jail.My brother would not have been in jail if he had only showed up when he was supposed to anyway.You are not responsible for your son's behavior he is an adult and he is the only one that is responsible now.my brother sat in jail for 6 mos. that def. changed him and he came out of jail clean and sober.It's hard to let him be a adult but he needs to realize that you can't and won't save him from his own bad decisions.

stationarymom
June 18th, 2014, 04:15 AM
I hope you see all of this in a different light in the morning.

Judy, USMC
June 18th, 2014, 04:19 AM
PLEASE DON'T FEEL THAT WAY! I wish I had further words of wisdom for you ... but this is beyond your control. Personally, I think you are right in making the decision to let him be responsible for his actions. Maybe this is the incentive he needs to reflect on the way he reacts.

Kgrammiecaz
June 18th, 2014, 04:50 AM
I wish I was there to give you a hug. Tough love is exactly that, very tough. We provided for them as they grew into adults. From there we need to let them make their mistakes and suffer the consequenses of those mistakes. From time to time we may shelter them from something, but we can only do that so many times.

The day will come that he will appreciate you and understand that it was himself that put him where he is. He will also understand that you love him and are doing what you feel is the best thing for him.

Talk here anytime. We are here for you.

Hawaii Roxy
June 18th, 2014, 04:50 AM
I agree but my head and my momma heart are in a huge battle I KNOW i need to walk away but its killin me I dont know how where or when I failed him but GOD why dont he listen to me THATS what makes me feel i have failed smh I just dont know anymore

Jean Sewing Machine
June 18th, 2014, 04:59 AM
I tell my kids "I DON'T DO BAIL". My exSIL got into so many situations where he needed to be bailed out, my DD used the rent money and any money she earned to bail him out. (Lost the house as a result). When he was arrested for being part of a major drug ring and the bail was really high, she asked me to bail him out. No, I wasn't going to do it.

You need to stay strong on this, you made the right decision that will teach him the life's lesson he needs to learn, "be responsible as an adult for your actions and pay the consequences". I'm sure you are hurting big time right now, and this will be hard to listen to his pleas and guilt trip laid on you, but stay strong, my dear. We're behind you supporting the decision you made, which is the right decision.

MomGram
June 18th, 2014, 05:54 AM
I would just like you to know you are not alone. As you can see from the other posts many families are going through this. My own family is in the middle of an intervention for my nephew. I wish I'd have taken a no bail stand much sooner than I did it would have saved me thousands. In a few hours I'm suppose to go get him and take him to the airport to go stay with his father. I have no idea if he will get on the plane, this is the 3rd ticket his dad has purchased. Stay strong you will be in my prayers.

Mpyles
June 18th, 2014, 08:36 AM
Roxy,

He's an adult...old enough to be responsible for his actions! As far as you being a bad parent....let me put this in perspective for you. I had THE best parents....seriously...they raised me to know right from wrong....yet I STILL made bad decisions when I was younger. I don't blame this on my parents...I blame it on my own ignorant self. Don't take ownership of his bad decisions. You raised him...yep...you taught him right from wrong....what he does now is totally on his plate. Don't let guilt make you feel "less than"as a parent. If you were to bail him out...what would stop him from doing it again...there has to be consequences for actions. Take heart sweetie...you are like millions of other mothers...your heart speaks louder than your head...but don't let your heart start talking crazy! He'll learn much quicker with the decision you made. Hugs!!!

Jess1377
June 18th, 2014, 08:45 AM
Roxy I wish I had something more to add than what these other wonderful ladies have so I am just sending positive thoughts and cyber hugs to you ((((Roxy))))!

Suzette
June 18th, 2014, 08:50 AM
I feel the pain and suffering you are experiencing in every word of your post. I wanted to send love, hugs and lots of support to you as you travel down this rough road.

Remember this . . How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. In other words, your situation is like the elephant - large, imposing and totally overwhelming. Right now you are probably thinking how can it ALL go away in with one or two good decisions or actions (either on your part or you sons). Well, it can't. It will take time and lots of little efforts and actions that add up over time (and most of these are on your son to accomplish). But it CAN be done, one bite at a time.

I pray for your son to make better decisions and for you to have peace and happiness. Today is rough, but tomorrow is full of promise. Never give up and never let go. You are stronger than you think. Hugs!!!!

HandsomeRyan
June 18th, 2014, 08:55 AM
your son is responsible for his own actions. You are not a terrible mother or person .

This bears repeating.

songbird857
June 18th, 2014, 09:29 AM
Hang it on your wall hon.... "Your son IS responsible for his own actions"
Some kids really know how to play the momma guilt card (sometimes because we let them when they were younger because they were just so gosh durn cute... y'all know what I mean :))
We do our best, we pray (lots and lots), and we let 'em fly (I'm in the process of slowly pushing one out of the nest as we speak) - the choices they make after that are THEIRS.
We were not perfect parents (never heard of one 'cept God) but I think it's safe to say (especially here) that most of us have done our best and bent over backwards, forward, sideways... you name it. - and I have certainly cried, ranted, prayed, cried some more... over certain decisions that my daughter has made.
Here's a hug from me and I'm praying for you and your family :)

Shirley
June 18th, 2014, 09:35 AM
Being a parent is a tough job. And being a Mother is even harder. It's that "heart" thing. We love them so much. I too have had to put my foot down and believe me it isn't easy. Sometimes you just have to say NO! I'm a giver, a fixer and I want everything to run smooth and many times it just doesn't.
Please didn't think you've done anything wrong. He has made a mistake and there are consequences. Try to stay strong in your decisions. I'm sending you a big hug and kind thoughts.

Meli
June 18th, 2014, 09:53 AM
Roxy, my best friend frequently reminds me that everyone else's lives and families seem perfect, but we don't see what goes on behind their doors. There is a family at church that seems perfect, but the oldest daughter has turned her back on everything she was taught, has moved in with her boyfriend and his drug dealer roommate. My point is you have NOT failed as a parent. You raised your child to be a responsible adult and taught him how to make choices, preferrably good ones. Now he is an adult and he has to take responsibility for his choices and actions and the consequences of them. This is not a reflexion on your parenting skills! My youngest brother is an alcoholic. Thankfully he no longer drinks. He spent an entire summer in and out of jail on alcohol-related charges that included assault with a deadly weapon (he chased his girlfriend's son with a broadsword). I can promise you my mother was not a violent person, nor was she a drunk. In fact, she didn't drink at all. His actions were the result of his choices, not my mother's parenting skills. The same is true for you. (HUGS)

buckeyequilter
June 18th, 2014, 10:11 AM
Not bailing someone out of jail doesn't make you a bad person/mother/father. I raised my kids and when the time came I gave them the freedom to make their choices....good or bad. When they make a bad decision, which they have done, the only thing they can do is to learn from it and move on. If I bail them out, they learn nothing. This doesn't make me a bad person...this makes me a mother, I can and will say NO to my adult children.

Elliegirl
June 18th, 2014, 10:21 AM
I agree but my head and my momma heart are in a huge battle I KNOW i need to walk away but its killin me I dont know how where or when I failed him but GOD why dont he listen to me THATS what makes me feel i have failed smh I just dont know anymore

You didn't fail him as a parent. He failed you as a son. Has he gone through anger management classes? We do the best we can as parents but ultimately our children make their own choices.

Slokarma
June 18th, 2014, 10:28 AM
A wise woman once told me "Stop comparing your INSIDES to everyone else's OUTSIDES." As boy was she right. You never know what is going on behind those closed doors across the street.

I'm sorry you are suffering. I don't think anybody really warns us that having children can be as much about worry and feeling guilty as it is about love and pride and just when you think it's all quieting down, here come the grandkids!

Time to let your son grow up. Every one has arguments with their spouse and a lot of us have very hot tempers, YET, we don't put hands on our spouses. So that excuse doesn't fly. Suffering the penalty of a night in jail is so much better than half a lifetime in prison. I hope he takes a good look at where this can lead, instead of offering another excuse for his bad behavior. Let him learn it now.

cyndiofthevortex
June 18th, 2014, 10:46 AM
Roxy, just the fact that you are so unhappy right now shows what a good mom you are. You hurt for your son. This shows great love. No matter what he has done, you love him and want the best for him.

Sometimes the best can be hard. I echo many here that say you need to show Tough Love, which is LOVE, just a form he might not at this time appreciate. Our minds attack us with guilty statements like everything is our fault. I often fall into that trap as well. Push it aside when it comes to you. You love him. That's the hallmark of a good mother. Did you make mistakes? I hope so! You wouldn't be human if you didn't and he needs a human mother, not a robot mother. Regret is one of the things I battle, but this year I have vowed to change it to acceptance instead. I accept what I did right and I accept what I did wrong. It is part of being human.

Our children eventually become adults and must make their own choices. Their OWN choices. You cannot make them for your son. He will grow and learn and hopefully change as a result of his bad decisions. We did, right? If our parents had saved us from every bad choice we'd ever made, how could we become strong and independent? Now it is time for you to show your strength, your loving strength. Push aside emotion (if that's possible) and do the thing that is right for him, not the thing that seems right emotionally.

I'll certainly be praying for you, as I'm sure many people are also praying for you and sending you good wishes. Lean on us when you are able to. We are here for you.

MayinJerset
June 18th, 2014, 10:48 AM
So she made him do it. Don't buy into that excuse and I pray you keep strong with the No Bail decision and let him figure out what he needs to do to get out of jail like hiring a lawyer. If the excuse is no money, there is always the public defenders. Hopefully he will be made to attend anger management classes.

I've told my young granddaughters if any of their boyfriends grab them or kind of play at slapping or punching them to end the relationship ASAP. Actions like that are indicators of more abuse to come for any little reason and the excuse is always that 'she' or 'they' made me do it.

Sylvia H
June 18th, 2014, 11:00 AM
I am sorry you have to go through this. As a parent, I know how difficult it is to see your child in trouble and not run to his side to help. But as others have said, this is not your fault. Your son knew his behavior was wrong, yet he still chose to behave in that way. Hopefully, this time in jail will cause him to better understand the consequences of his actions.

Please be strong in your resolve at this time. I am aware that sometimes people escalate their bad behavior when they don't get the results they are used to getting from others. It might get worse before it gets better. But making it easy for him to avoid the consequences will only delay the inevitable.

I hope that you are feeling better about yourself. Being a parent is hard!

EmmaB
June 18th, 2014, 11:28 AM
(((HUGS)))) Roxy! I echo what everyone else has said. It's difficult but necessary.

Claire OneStitchAtATime
June 18th, 2014, 11:59 AM
I'm so sorry for your pain. But domestic abuse laws work this way for a good reason. I'm glad neither your son nor his girlfriend suffered any serious injuries.

It's always easy to blame ourselves as parents, but like everyone else is saying, kids are their own people, especially at your son's age. Anger management or a good therapist might help him get on a better track, and this arrest might be enough to motivate him to get him on a better track. Hold strong, & keep quilting. Parents are just one influence on their kids. There is the society we live in, their peers, TV, people at work, and all sorts of internal factors that are just born into them & nothing to do with our parenting.

bubba
June 18th, 2014, 12:01 PM
Well, I have nothing to add. What everyone has said before is exactly what I would have said myself. You did not raise him to be this way.....this is a choice he made himself. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.

I know you feel bad for him and that you have failed, but it is him who failed himself. Hold your head up knowing you did the best you could do.

pokeygirl
June 18th, 2014, 12:05 PM
Well once again DRAMA, my youngest son was arrested tonight for domestic assault. Josh has a temper and is a hot head, he and his wife got into a argument because he dont trust her,she got out of the truck to walk home,they were on a dark road on the outskirts of town he grabbed her arm to stop her from walking,somebody saw and called it in. Well sshe told me that they fought and she shoved him 1st etc ,anyway her story matches his BUT hes the one sitting in jail. Im so so upset we have tried and tried talking to josh but he never listens,he called me crying begging us to bail him out,,,,,,,we have decided not to. My heart is breaking I know hes gonna say we dont love him and that we let him rot in jail. But I cant continue to help this child when he refuses to take or even listen to our advice he just keeps messing up. We dont have a lot of money and would have to break the bank to pay the bail Im so tired I feel like such a piece of sh*#!!!! Im so tired of never having peace ,happiness I dont enjoy life I dont see the stinkin point!
I blame myself maybe its wrong but I cant help it. I see people enjoying their life their kids are a success and mine is a huge pain in the butt!! I MUST have done something wrong . Anyway thanks for reading rant over

You are not alone. I have daughters that have been in jail. I DO NOT BAIL. I have a grandson in prison. I DO NOT EVEN WRITE TO HIM. He had so many chances and I AM DONE. Hang in there and please don't blame yourself. I was at that point at one time and finally a light bulb went off in my head. You can only do so much and they are in charge of their own life.

vchale
June 18th, 2014, 12:22 PM
I know firsthand you are in a very difficult, painful place. We love our children but when they are adults we have to let go and it's hard. There is a reason the phrase "tough love" was started. I hope you have some friends you can talk to and get hugs. We are here for you but you need someone there too. Just know, you have done and are doing the right thing for him no matter how it breaks your heart.

fatquarters
June 18th, 2014, 12:22 PM
we'll I agree with everyone here, tough love is probably hurting us more than it hurts them, but is still necessary.

my other thought is, I think his wife should be in the clink too, it makes me angry when it's always the guys fault. I know it's not a popular opinion, but I see a lot of women abusing men, and getting away with it because society just assumes it that way.. why is it ok for her to hit him!!!! sorry I rattled the cage, and it's ok if you don't agree with me.

thirdly, because my mind is all over the place, I have a son, that kept me up nights, made me sick with worry, made me wonder if I did something wrong....ya you get the picture. anyway, he grew up eventually to be the greatest son, husband and father. I am so glad I never gave up. I was blessed, and I pray you will be too.

Sheena
June 18th, 2014, 01:20 PM
No bail. Definitely, no bail. Let him learn his lesson.

KnitWitRosie
June 18th, 2014, 01:27 PM
So sorry this is happening to you!!! {{{ HUGS }}}

No words of advise, but the only thing I can say is that maybe by not bailing him out... he will hit "rock bottom." It's hard lesson to learn, but in my experience, sometimes you need to hit that rock bottom before you can move forward in a positive way.

Keep your chin up, and know that you are not responsible for his actions. He's an adult, makes adult decisions on how to live his life, and sometimes those decisions aren't the greatest, but he has no one to blame for them but himself.

ozziepuppy
June 18th, 2014, 01:28 PM
Stay strong. You are doing the right thing. I am sorry that you are going through this. Don't compare yourself to others; as has been said before, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Know that he will try to make you feel guilty; that is his way of manipulating you. Sometimes the best way to help our children is not to give them what they want, but instead to give them what they need.

Monique
June 18th, 2014, 02:00 PM
Once a mother always a mother but there comes a time that we just have to take a step back. He made a choice, even though it was not a good one, HE made the choice. Now He has to live with that choice. If you keep bailing him out he will never learn the error of his ways. Let him stew in jail. Maybe next time, he will make a better choice.

Good luck and stay strong. YOU did nothing wrong, sometimes they will just do whatever the heck they want.

Hawaii Roxy
June 18th, 2014, 02:22 PM
Well I just finished reading all the comments here and want to say thank you to each of you. While reading your comments he called to find out when were would be able to bailhim out My husband told him "son we love you very much but we are not gonna help you this time" He was crying(son) when I got on the phone after his dad he said "momma I dont wanna be here anymore" promised me the moon if I would get him out I told him I loved him more then anything but hes gotto learn his lesson ,I said we dont have the money (lie bail is only 100.00) but really if we paid that we would have to not pay one of OUR bills. THATS unacceptable and unfair for him to ask that of us. He said he could bail himself out but he wont have money till fri I said well

Hawaii Roxy
June 18th, 2014, 02:25 PM
Well I guess you have to wait till fri then. Also the county has put a no contact order on him untill he sees the judge on july 8th so theres that just thought I would share the update with yall, and again thank you so much for the words of encouragement Im starting to feel a bit better about my decision

alliek
June 18th, 2014, 02:32 PM
Roxy, First ((())). You are NOT a bad parent. He has the temper that gets out of control. He is in a relationship that needs counseling. His decisions lead HIM into the situations HE is in. He is the only one that can change it, resolve it and improve it. He has to face the consequences of his actions. THAT is called maturity. You do him no favors now to "help" him. You can support him if he goes for the help he needs and sees it through. You will Love him through all of this. You can tell him that. But he is on his own and he can make the choice to have a productive life or not. He has to understand those decisions are his alone to make. God Bless and keep you in His loving care. I pray for your mother's heart, that you find peace .

Midge
June 18th, 2014, 02:48 PM
Roxy, you are getting so much loving advice here, I hope you can hear it. Your son is of an age that he has to take responsibility for his own choices. I'm not a member of AA but they have a little catchphrase that I think applies here and may help you. It's "stinkin' thinkin'. Don't fall for the guilt trips of those who use it. Your son knows better than to engage in an argument while driving. And he knows better than to grab someone physically. He thought doing both was ok, and that's stinkin' thinking. You and I both know that adults don't engage in distracted driving arguments. And adults don't grab or shove others. When you reduce the behavior to just those facts can you see that these are not parental failings but consequences of angry lack of control? Nothing is more painful for a parent than watching our kids' lives unravel. But it doesn't make how you raised him wrong or shoddy. And most importantly, it doesn't mean you have to cave in to emotional blackmail to comfort him and protect him from real world consequences. Nor should you. Don't ask how I know all this...but it does get better.

Elliegirl
June 18th, 2014, 03:25 PM
Good for you and your husband for saying no! I know it was hard but you had to do it for yourself and him!

AuntieVic
June 18th, 2014, 03:25 PM
Tough love is the hardest love to give! But it is the best lesson to teach.

I know from experience how you feel when you have to say no, hang in there. He choose his actions, not you.

sassygranny
June 18th, 2014, 03:37 PM
We just went through a six week course given by our local NAMI group. Everybody in the class had a different reason for being there, but several were dealing with issues similar to yours. They don't solve your problems for you, but they can help you find peace within yourself and understanding of your child's issues. All of the "children" in the group were adult children, BTW. Lots of people struggle with these kinds of things - and there's help out there.

Genny
June 18th, 2014, 04:41 PM
Well once again DRAMA, my youngest son was arrested tonight for domestic assault. Josh has a temper and is a hot head, he and his wife got into a argument because he dont trust her,she got out of the truck to walk home,they were on a dark road on the outskirts of town he grabbed her arm to stop her from walking,somebody saw and called it in. Well sshe told me that they fought and she shoved him 1st etc ,anyway her story matches his BUT hes the one sitting in jail. Im so so upset we have tried and tried talking to josh but he never listens,he called me crying begging us to bail him out,,,,,,,we have decided not to. My heart is breaking I know hes gonna say we dont love him and that we let him rot in jail. But I cant continue to help this child when he refuses to take or even listen to our advice he just keeps messing up. We dont have a lot of money and would have to break the bank to pay the bail Im so tired I feel like such a piece of sh*#!!!! Im so tired of never having peace ,happiness I dont enjoy life I dont see the stinkin point!
I blame myself maybe its wrong but I cant help it. I see people enjoying their life their kids are a success and mine is a huge pain in the butt!! I MUST have done something wrong . Anyway thanks for reading rant over

Two years ago next month my daughter came over on a Sunday morning...crying...and told us that her 19 year old daughter...our granddaughter...was arrested for drinking/driving and was in jail. The police had called my daughter and told her that she could come and get my granddaughter out of jail but my daughter told them to let her sit it out in jail. My daughter felt horrible about doing this but it was the best thing she could have done for my granddaughter...it made a real difference in how my grandaughter has changed her life in the last 2 years since she was arrested.

Please don't blame yourself for your sons actions...we love our children and we bring them up the best we can...what they do after that is up to them. Hugs...Genny

WendyI
June 19th, 2014, 12:29 AM
Sweetie...when you are ready I have some awesome tools you can use to make you feel better. I've done 6 weeks and it's COMPLETELY changed my life...and this is after living almost in your shoes for more than 20 years. You are NOT responsible for your sons actions...he is...I know that doesn't help when you love them so much. I'm so sorry you are going through this. PM me any time doll...we're here for you!! xoxoxox

WendyI
June 19th, 2014, 12:29 AM
79735 Sending this along also. You sure deserve it!!

Leah53
June 19th, 2014, 12:34 AM
When my daughter was four I sat at the kitchen table and had her over my lap and actually said the words, "this is going to hurt me worse than it's going to hurt you", I was right, my knuckles hit the table and it hurt. I thought that by the time she was 18 I would know that banging my head against a brick wall would hurt me more than her, apparently I didn't because I've put up with her disrespectful crap for 35 years. She's a user and seems to think I owe her something, guess what little girl, I don't owe you anything, I raised you with what I thought were the right tools to survive, it's up to you to decide what to do with those tools. I dread picking up the phone when she calls because I know she wants something, she never calls just to say Mom, just calling to say hi. I finally wised up, for the past year I have refused her money, she's in debt to me so deep and will never pay it off because she thinks I owe her.

Her oldest daughter just graduated from High School and she decided "WE" would give her a trip to New Mexico whre she would be spending a month with a friend of my daughter, (the plane ticket story). Well, daughter decided that she would drive her out but at the last minute called and said she was broke, excuse me, I AM NOT paying for your vacation, I can't afford one for myself. So, granddaughter is now going out for 3 weeks but daughter is mad AT ME because she's not MOVING out there.

When she was 16 she wanted to go to a concert, I said no so she stormed out. I was washing dishes and looked out the window and turned to my husband and said, she stole the freakin car. I had an APB out on her, the cops actually stopped her for a tail light out but didn't do anything about the APB, she got to go to the concert but then didn't dare to come home, A friend of hers told me where she was but instead of me going to get her I sent the police. I had it set up that a juvenile officer would come to the house and scare her straight. She came home, the juvenile officer showed up and she threw a fit, swearing and screaming and throwing things, he very calmly told her she had better calm down or he was going to take her to juvenile hall, I was actually saying to myself, take her, take her, but she calmed down. Oh, and she got pregnant that night but that's another story. I have done for her all of her life and she has no respect for me.

Okay, sorry about the rant, it's about you, not me but your story just made me think about how similar our lives are. You are not a bad mother, you gave him the tools he needed he just chose not to use them, his bad, not yours, so stop beating yourself up for what he did, not what you didn't do. The moral of this story is, banging your head against a brick wall really does hurt.

WendyI
June 19th, 2014, 12:44 AM
Holy geeze Leah...so sorry you had to go through that. Unfortunately I think that some people are just BORN difficult and no matter HOW hard we try we can't help them. So hard though as a parent I would imagine. (((HUGS))) to you as well. xox

Nidan_07
June 19th, 2014, 01:03 AM
HANG IN THERE ROXY!!! Just because you haven't posted bail, doesn't make you a bad parent. I feel for you. Take Care of yourself.
Perhaps he may come to realise that when we're all grown up, we need to take responsibility for our decisions. Not always easy, but a big part of life!!

MingS
June 19th, 2014, 07:58 AM
Roxy - just wanted to say that I agree with what everyone else has already said. I also wanted to say that I am sure your son, like all of us, has some wonderful parts of his character as well. And that's the hard part when you're the mum, your heart remembers the wonderful things and the brain knows the ugly stuff.

When he was little and wanted to play in the road, or stick a fork in the power socket, you told him not to and (hopefully) he stopped. But now he makes his own choices - and we all know choices come with consequences.

I was thinking what would happen if you did bail him out? Well, you'd be out the $ to start with. And I guess eventually he'd go to court - and maybe you'd end up paying for the lawyer - and he'd get some punishment or other, and then he'd be back at home with all the same old things that he got angry about the last time. And then what? Angry people do dumb things, and what if someone was permanently damaged - or worse?

You'd be sitting right where you are now, saying to yourself "I KNEW I shouldn't have bailed him out. I knew it but I did it anyway". It's time to listen to what your mum brain knows - with all the love in the world - and tell your heart that this time the brain wins.

We all have times when life goes well, and times when it doesn't. Sometimes the reasons are random, sometimes they are consequences of the actions of ourselves or others. But you're not a failure if you honestly did the best that you could with the things that you had.

Thinking of you
Ming

Over40momma
June 19th, 2014, 03:45 PM
Oh Roxy, what I wouldn't give to be there to give you one giant Mom-to-Mom {{{HUG}}}.

You and your husband are not only doing the right thing.....you are doing the loving thing. Hang in there, this is HIS problem and he has to sort it out. He made choices and must be responsible for making them. None of this makes it easier on you or your husband........being a parent is never an easy road. Love him....never stop, but he has to be a man as well as a son.

Sending lots of prayers and {{hugs}} to you all.

SallyO'Sews
June 19th, 2014, 08:42 PM
Dear Roxy,

The only perfect parent is our Heavenly Father. And of ALL His children born down through the millennia, only One was perfect. The rest of us have screwed up pretty royally.

The fact that you chose not to bail out your son shows that you are being a GOOD parent, and that you LOVE him.

Hugs and blessings, dear.
~ Sally \0/

ozziepuppy
June 19th, 2014, 08:54 PM
I read this somewhere recently and maybe it will help. It went something like this:

"We are free to make our own choices. However, we are not free of the consequences of those choices."

If there are never any consequences, is there ever going to be any need to change?

Grama Debbie
June 19th, 2014, 09:00 PM
Someone once told me, God is the perfect parent, and look how many wayward children He has. It is not easy, but you made the right decision.

Terry L
June 19th, 2014, 09:44 PM
I am sure we could fill a forum with the decisions our children have made that have broken our hearts and made us feel as failures. Once you get past that tough decision of not helping then it becomes one day at a time. Maybe, just maybe he is listening to your words play in his head as he sits and cools his heels. I hope tomorrow looks a little better

New York Sue
June 19th, 2014, 10:01 PM
I usually try not to deviate from quilting stuff, but this is heartbreaking...

DO NOT DEVIATE from your course, Mama!

It may me a couple of years, but he will thank you in the end, and have such RESPECT!!

My BEST, Roxy! :(

sewbizzy
June 19th, 2014, 10:28 PM
Roxy, not much for me to add that the others haven't told you...just know we are here for you...you are definitely going through some really tough times right now...I am praying for you...sending hugs and blessings....

BellasQuilts
June 19th, 2014, 11:49 PM
What I have seen over the years with parents and kids is a very unfulfilling and painful "loop" of behavior is created. So, no change. But when one decides to change course, this is when the other person can change and also break out of the loop. You are now giving him the opportunity to change. Stay strong, mom. Bailing him out won't change him but maybe sitting a bit in jail might.

IBake
June 20th, 2014, 05:20 PM
If he is old enough to be married and to hit his wife(god would need to protect him in my house), he is old enough to suffer the consequences. He needs to learn that he is responsible for his actions, not you and your pocket book.

My oldest gave us some grief and he told me that there was nothing I could have done to change it. It was up to him to make the change. And he was raised right yada yada yada. He said he needed to grow up on his own and see what was wrong. HE is now in the Navy, leader of the jazz band, and a great dad and hubby.

Hang in there and keep your chin up. You did the right thing!

bkthomas
June 20th, 2014, 08:07 PM
Just gonna jump in here and say that no one "hit" anyone

.....and in case you are wondering, "What does she know?" Hawaii Roxy is my sis - Many of you know that,but not everyone......

Hawaii Roxy
June 21st, 2014, 02:19 PM
UPDATE...... They released him on a signature bond no nobody "hit" anybody but thats not really the point they were fussin she pushed him and he pushed her back he got arrested. It sounds harsh but I dont care I love him very much but I took EVERYBODYS advice and do NOTHING. He makes me old and tired, again I love him but Im tired of him and his drama hes always the poor "victim " There were so many variables in this situation .his brother told him to stay and hang out an not go looking for her but he didnt listen.
So anywayyyyy blah Im over it I love you guys thanks so much for all your encouragement :)

Suzette
June 21st, 2014, 03:54 PM
Well, good for you Roxie! You have no control over his actions, only your own and you did good!!! Sometimes the best thing we can do for our grown kids is nothing at all. Just sit back and let them suffer the consequences of their actions. Easy to say, not always easy to do, but I give you so much credit for being strong and doing what needed to be done. Hugs!!!

Hulamoon
June 21st, 2014, 04:32 PM
Hugs Roxy :) I only got back online this morning, so just seeing this. I'm tired of my kids right now too. My stepson called because he got caught picking up cocain at a post office. He was staked out. Since I was the one that answered the phone I agreed to the bail. Then my dh shifted all the responsibility to me to talk to the lawyers. My son wrote me all these heartfelt letters from jail (min security) on how much he loved me and for helping him. Five years and when he get's out he never calls.

All this work raising kids and what do you get for it?

alliek
June 21st, 2014, 08:05 PM
Some kids grow up the hard way, and no one is to blame but themselves for their decisions. It is difficult to watch as a parent, grandparent or anyone else that cares. Most of them eventually turn out OK and the values that they were raised with over rule their foolishness. Love them, pray for them, BUT take care of yourself and don't become their doormat.