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View Full Version : Well THAT was a brutal weekend....



WendyI
March 31st, 2014, 12:10 AM
I guess I have posted before that my DH and I are going through a pretty rough patch right now. Yesterday he informed me that he was done and we needed to discuss splitting up. He had decided and enough was enough. I was devastated. It was very difficult to hear and I was completely stunned. He was very worried that I would "hate" him which is ridiculous if you know me at all. He's the father of my son. I would never hate him. But since he had made the decision and I basically had no say, I knew I needed some space. So I told him to go stay at his dads at least overnight with Liam (our son) because I needed the day and night to gather myself before facing Liam. I also told him to start figuring out how we were going to tell Liam. That we were not going to have him living in the house and not understanding what was going on. I sent him some articles on how to talk to your children about divorce and I think that shocked him back into reality.

I think reality set in at that point, of what he was actually doing to our family. I went upstairs and he began to really fall apart. Within an hour he came back and agreed to go to therapy finally (to this point I have been going alone...I guess he figured it wouldn't help him initially and since I have suffered from depression most of my adult life that our problems were all my fault...oye). He realized that he was being very selfish in deciding to leave and that it really was not what he wanted after all. He does love me and our family just some of the things in our lives are broken and need to be fix and we've been ignoring them.

It was an extremely emotional and exhausting day. Today was better. We went out and did some shopping together and then set up my quilting station in our dining room as it had all been put away. Then we talked about some things that we needed to change and do in our lives. It's going to be a long road but at least he is willing to work with me now.

I'm sorry to dump all this in here...maybe it's TMI but my life is kind of an open book... but I don't really have anyone else that I can talk to other than my one sister who is a 20 hour drive away...I so miss her at times like these. Anyway...I did a bit of sewing today and that helped alleviate some of the stress and anxiety I was having. And now I feel better having written it down...if you got this far...thanks for reading.

JCY
March 31st, 2014, 12:18 AM
So sorry for the marital struggles you're having. It's positive that he's willing to go to therapy. I hope with the help of a good counselor you can mend the hurts & move into a deeper, closer relationship. It takes work on everyone's part. I'm glad you felt like you could share in this forum. I'm sure there are others who have struggled over the years. This is a sympathetic group. My husb. has had problems with depression several times over the years, so I understand what that's all about. He was greatly helped by Cognitive Therapy. I wish you the best. JCY

ilive2craft2
March 31st, 2014, 12:21 AM
Aww Wendy, I am sorry that you are going through all of this, but am hopeful that the counseling will help. Am glad that reality set in for him before Liam was told. I am sure that he knows things are going on - kids always know more than we think they do.

Glad that you got the sewing/quilting stuff back out. it always helps me to focus on something else, but things still get thought through or processed at the same time. Hugs and prayers for all of you as you work through this.

shermur
March 31st, 2014, 12:21 AM
Lean on those who care, WendyI.....My younger sister has been going through this same issue for the past 8 months...I know this may not mean much now; but what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. My Navy daughter has this tattoo on her left upper arm...and that has given her a sense of never giving up and hope.....
Let me know if you need an ear!

Simply Quilting
March 31st, 2014, 01:01 AM
Wendy {{{HUGS}}} Praying for your marriage.

Mpyles
March 31st, 2014, 01:12 AM
Aww Wendy, so sorry for your stresses! Men really can be such ignorant butts sometimes. They have a real hard time looking at themselves when unhappiness strikes them. My dad told me many years ago...you make yourself happy...if you are depending on someone else to do it...you will be disappointed. Words I have always treasured. I had to remind my DH of this some months back.

It's hard sometimes to realize what roles we play in life. Our unhappiness were brought on by our children growing older and needing us less. My DH expected me to fill that void. Don't get me wrong, I want to spend time with him...but not all of my time. He was jealous of the things I was doing to fill my new found free time... Which was quilting, making new friends, living!! It was a brutal awakening for him to find out I was not in charge of his happiness, but we have gotten thru it as I am sure you will with time and therapy. Hugs to you! And we always care!!

bkthomas
March 31st, 2014, 01:22 AM
7229172292

Thinking of you......

snippet
March 31st, 2014, 01:23 AM
Oh Wendy, you have had one tough weekend! I'm glad your husband realizes the impact of splitting up and the value of your marriage. Hopefully the therapy sessions will be productive.

As someone with depression too, I hate that when something goes wrong, the problem/explanation/reason is alway my depression.

Sending you hugs and prayers.

SandyWhite
March 31st, 2014, 01:36 AM
Wendy, it seems your hubby really does love you and you him. I hope you work this out.

dwil23
March 31st, 2014, 04:22 AM
(((HUGS)))

Praying for a resolution to the problems. I am glad to hear he is finally willing to try.

rebeccas-sewing
March 31st, 2014, 04:51 AM
His willingness to go to therapy is a big step in the right direction. I hope you can work out your problems and keep your family together. Divorce is a very sad thing and so stressful. I've recently watched what my brother-in-law and his ex-wife went through to divorce and it has been a long, hard road for the whole family. I hope you can salvage your marriage, Wendy. Are you taking any medication for depression? I was on Lexapro for quite a few years for anxiety. It changed my life!

Suzette
March 31st, 2014, 07:49 AM
Wendy, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your hubby as you work through some issues. I think it's wonderful that you come here and share your struggles among friends who care about you. We all need someone to lean on now and then. I am one of those people who rarely opens up to others and I can assure you it makes your struggles all the harder and lonelier, so I envy and admire your ability to open up and share! Hugs!!!!

easyquilts
March 31st, 2014, 08:01 AM
One of the things I treasure about this group, is that we tend to circle 'round our own in times of need.... I've seen it happen over and over.... We are glad you felt comfortable enough to share what is going on in your life... I hope everything works out for you, and your husband...

MayinJerset
March 31st, 2014, 08:10 AM
72320 Glad your DH is willing to join you in therapy to take that big first step.

Madeforyouinma11
March 31st, 2014, 08:24 AM
So sorry for the problems you are having , but happy that he is willing to go to therapy with you. It's a big step, but in the right direction. Keeping the lines of communication open is very important. (((Hugs))) you will be in my prayers that everything will work out for you.
Keep sewing and keep posting, we are all here for you.

GrammaBabs
March 31st, 2014, 08:39 AM
Wendy... i'll be thinking of you and praying that things work out for the best, for you all... it is work to make things work!! I've almost 50yrs of "working" on our marriage.. some good times, some not so good,, and medication can help in a big way,it has really helped me see that..... but I have found that compromise and understanding (from us both) was and is, in the end, our strongest support!!! Hugs, and best wishes to you... Barbara

Shirley
March 31st, 2014, 09:22 AM
So sorry for your pain. My DD is having some of the same problems. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Grandma G
March 31st, 2014, 09:24 AM
Wendy - I was sad to read your post. I know you have been struggling. I didn't realize that you were the only one going through counseling. I'm glad your DH has had second thoughts about joint counseling. Admitting he needs counseling is a step in the right direction. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

EmmaB
March 31st, 2014, 12:23 PM
(((HUGS)))) to you Wendy!!! Dump all you want to!! It helps to get things out.

Learner quilter
March 31st, 2014, 12:40 PM
((((Hugs)))) it's not a nice thing to go through. Hope all works out for you all. xxx

Miss Sheri
March 31st, 2014, 12:43 PM
((((((Wendy!)))))) I think more of us understand, than you might realize. Marriage is not for wimps. May you both be blessed to keep your hearts open, and be slow to take offense.

SallyO'Sews
March 31st, 2014, 01:55 PM
(((WENDY))) Amen to everything everyone else has said. I hope you will be encouraged by those of us who have had our bad times, but come through and are still in our marriages for the "long haul." May you, your DH, and Liam be bound together by love as never before, and may you all come through all of this better in the end. Praying for the three of you, and that you will be blessed with an excellent therapist who is God-ordained especially for your family. Hang in there, dearie. Know that we love you.

Wwena
March 31st, 2014, 02:32 PM
Wendy, thanks for sharing! I hope this can be a turning point for you, the low water mark that you will look back on later and say "There! That's what it took!" and know you moved on and up. Don't let the feelings from your weekend go completely, use them to heal, both of you.

Hugs!

GuitarGramma
March 31st, 2014, 04:04 PM
Dearest Wendy,

I know how much you love your son, and I am so impressed (though not surprised) that your first thought was what this would do to him.

I'd like to share a couple of thoughts with you. I hope you don't mind.

#1--Depression. I suffered from a very deep depression back in the mid-90s. It was awful. I'd sit on the couch sobbing for two hours straight while recognizing that I was married to the most wonderful man in the world, I lived in a palace, and we had four amazing children. It was horrible; forgive me for not going into every detail. Then I was reading a book about nutrition and Natural Family Planning. One chapter dealt with depression in middle-aged women. It explained that we middle-aged women tend to take a lot of calcium. When we take calcium, our bodies use up their magnesium stores to process the calcium. We end up magnesium depleted. Guess what? A lack of magnesium is a common cause of DEPRESSION. I immediately stopped taking calcium and started taking magnesium. Within two hours of that first dose, the black clouds lifted. When I'd forget to take a dose, the black clouds would descend again. It was a physical, palpable difference.

I know that magnesium will not solve every case of depression, but it is a cheap starting point. It changed my life, and has helped many other women, young and old, whom I've told.

#2--Marriage Counseling. Marriage counseling is really good at helping couples to understand the source of their problems. Unfortunately, I've seen too many couples learn the source of their problems and then go on to conclude that their problems are insurmountable. There is a world-wide program called Retrouvaille which takes a different approach. It teaches the couples the skills they need to get along and to love each other again. I'm not saying that you should avoid marriage counseling, by no means. But I highly recommend that you also look for a Retrouvaille program to help with those "couple-building skills."

Retrouvaille recognizes four stages of marriage: Romance, Disillusionment, Misery, and Awakening. They feel that many couples divorce during the Misery stage and never make it to the Awakening stage. Their goal is to get you past Misery to Awakening. They're very good at that.

One caveat: Retrouvaille originated as a Catholic program and they do not hide that fact. Please know, however, that Retrouvaille respects persons of all faith traditions as well as agnostics and atheists. Their focus is saving marriage, not proselytizing. They specifically state their embrace of *all* married couples on their home page. I hope you will not hesitate to explore Retrouvaille because it originated in Catholic circles.

Here is a link to their testimonials page. http://www.retrouvaille.org/pages.php?page=2 Please take a look at some of the testimonials; I think you'll find that marriages in terrible shape have been restored to happiness.

Forgive me, please, if I've overstepped my bounds here. But I have long thought of you as a friend and want to help.

WendyI
March 31st, 2014, 04:58 PM
If I was capable of tears at this point I would be bawling...and since I'm at work I'm kind of glad I'm in the numb stage of my depression. You are all so amazing and wonderfully supportive and understanding. I knew I would have some responses but the kindness you exhibit daily on this forum always touches my soul. Although I am an atheist, I would not ever be upset that someone chooses to spend their time in prayer for me. At the very least I am in their thoughts and hearts and I can't tell you how warm that makes me feel. I believe that mental health should come out of the closet and we should be able to share our experiences, not suffer in shame. And I'm constantly rewarded with caring thoughts when I do...particularly here!

Toni, I will definitely investigate the Retrouvaille program. It sounds very much like what we may need. Thank you so very much for posting this information.

I am truly thankful for finding this place and such warm and caring people. xoxox

WendyI
March 31st, 2014, 05:22 PM
P.S. Toni, I have visited the website you provided. I'm surprised and thrilled to learn that the program was started right here in Canada! :) I have contacted two groups to find out about sessions. Thank you again for mentioning it. I'm not sure if it will work for us but some of the testimonials sure sound like us. Thank you again! xox

GuitarGramma
March 31st, 2014, 05:34 PM
I wish you all the best, Wendy. And I appreciate having your permission to pray for you and your family. I didn't want to presume that would be OK with you.
♡♡♡

Mimis-quilts
March 31st, 2014, 05:44 PM
Wendy...well, first and foremost, I'm glad that you are comfortable enough to "talk" to us. I am sorry that you and your husband are having a difficult time...and hopefully with professional help you can work out your problems and move on with the rest of your life. I, too, have dealt with depression most of my life...even as a child and teenage...when I completely broke at 32 my husband did not know what to do...so, he did nothing! When I finally decided to divorce him he admitted to me that he had no idea what had happened to me back in days. It's because he was not completely emotionally in tune with me. We never talked, we rarely did things together, he never asked what was wrong...my point is, maybe your husband does not understand your emotional instability, maybe he doesn't understand depression and how it affects you. And then, if you are on antidepressants you totally understand that the physical aspects of a relationship suffers as well. My current husband, I think some days, is more in tune with my emotional state than I am...he sees when I am spiraling downward and tries his best to help me back out of that hole.

Please know that your friends here are here for you...and if you need a private shoulder to lean on you can always PM me.
I now know that the more I talk about things...the better I feel. Carl and I talk about everything...a concept that was really hard for me...but now I know it's the only way. Hang in there...I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! And by all means...keep channeling that nervous energy into your quilts.

IBake
March 31st, 2014, 06:22 PM
He was expecting you to do the dirty work. When you pushed it off to him he would have had to take responsibility for those actions......isn't it amazing what happens when push comes to shove.

You are a strong women...Keep going and keep taking him to task. And we are here to listen....holding your hands tightly..we are also praying for your peace and well being.

Ahamblin
March 31st, 2014, 09:49 PM
I am sorry for the difficult time you are going through. It is a positive step that he agreed to go to counseling with you. It takes two to make a marriage work. It is good that you can share your feelings here and in my experience it helps to have people you can talk to. Sending thoughts and prayers your way. And a cyber hug too.

cyndiofthevortex
March 31st, 2014, 11:37 PM
I'm so sorry to read that you are going through such a hard time. It does sound like there is some light at the end of the tunnel! I hope things work out for the best and you're able to keep your family together in happier days ahead.