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View Full Version : Do you "get over" the loss of a spouse?



PeggyM
March 1st, 2014, 10:03 PM
My husband died 15 years ago, age 36. He was the self-proclaimed healthiest man in town. He died suddenly from a pulmonary embolism. Well meaning friends said, you'll get over it. I would like to say that you don't get over it, you get past it, but you don't get over the past. I found an old radio/tape recorder/player with a tape in it today. Out of curiousity I played the tape in it, and it was my late husband's voice. What a wonderful surprise. I cried, but not for the loss, for the find.

To all my friends who have lost a spouse, I hope you find such a tearful joy in your attic some day.

Bubby
March 1st, 2014, 10:13 PM
I have a Build A Bear that my late Hubby made me with the recorded message inside. I don't think you "get over" the loss of a mate but it becomes possible to move on with your life. I remarried 6 years ago but I still have "those moments". Jeff is totally understanding and he misses my late DH also. They were good friends.

Jess1377
March 1st, 2014, 10:22 PM
(((Peggy)))Thank you for sharing such a tender moment with us. I am still quite lucky to have my dh and dont think i could ever get over a loss like that. I do admire yours and others here in your strength in carrying on with life as difficult as it may be at times.

auntiemern
March 1st, 2014, 10:37 PM
Thank you for sharing this with us. I have never had to 'deal' with this, but still working on losing my mom over 2 years ago. Hugs to you.

PeggyM
March 1st, 2014, 10:44 PM
Thank you for sharing this with us. I have never had to 'deal' with this, but still working on losing my mom over 2 years ago. Hugs to you.


Thank you, Marilyn. I understand your pain. My parents died a year apart when I was in my mid 20s. No matter how old you are when your parents die, it still leaves you feeling orphaned. ((Hugs)). I saw Rhonda's post today. Your mom was well loved, and I'm sure she knew that.

EnumclawGramma
March 1st, 2014, 10:53 PM
I still miss my Mom and I lost her suddenly in 2004. I have always said "you get through it, you never get over it". Holds true for me. And yes, that feeling of being an orphan. Very true. Hugs to you. And happy for your find!

Sandy Navas
March 1st, 2014, 10:55 PM
Timely post. My daughter has been stressing that Al and I need to have burial plans in place . . . so I asked Al the other day what he would do if I were to die tomorrow . . . his response? "I'd die, too."

Never get over losses like this . . . parents, spouses, siblings, children . . . any loved one. It hurts. I'm happy for you that you found joy in finding your DH speaking to you once again. We don't all have that opportunity. Embrace it.

kelliedi
March 1st, 2014, 11:03 PM
Get over it...not really...around it past it....yeah eventually....there is NOTHING like losing a spouse. PERIOD. The loss of parent, child, partner, nothing compares. Eventually the loss is like a scar that you have to live with but every once and a while the scar is sensitive and you realize it's still there. Eventually you only remember the good times. Every surviving spouses survival skills is different from person to person. When you find an unexpected item or you walk into a room and you can smell their particular "smell", it can be3 like walking into a brick wall. But yeah, eventually, you can get past it.

PeggyM
March 1st, 2014, 11:23 PM
Timely post. My daughter has been stressing that Al and I need to have burial plans in place . . . so I asked Al the other day what he would do if I were to die tomorrow . . . his response? "I'd die, too."

Never get over losses like this . . . parents, spouses, siblings, children . . . any loved one. It hurts. I'm happy for you that you found joy in finding your DH speaking to you once again. We don't all have that opportunity. Embrace it.


Brad and I had a similar discussion. He jokingly said he wanted to be cremated and sprinkled over the grocery store parking lot so I would see him every day. That wasn't happening. I now have my final plans nailed down, so no one has to wonder what I would want. Oh, and I should add that I am a probate paralegal, and my sister works for a funeral home, so I'm a little close to the importance of making decisions.

Doloris
March 2nd, 2014, 12:23 AM
Thank you for sharing this with us. I have never had to 'deal' with this, but still working on losing my mom over 2 years ago. Hugs to you.
I lost my mom in Dec of 1991, and my dad 3 months later in March of 1992. There are still times, granted less and fewer, when I think about calling her to tell her something. Don't know how I got through those few months. Thank God for hamburger helper and an understanding DH and kids.

kensington
March 2nd, 2014, 12:26 AM
I don't think you get over anyone you truly love passing away. You get through it and eventually you get used to them not being here... but never over it.

Even for those who lose spouse and remarry, don't get over it. That person will always be someone you loved, who was part of you then, and even now, and who you will be. Life and death are part of the course of life, we learn to live with the idea of death and even having to part with our loved ones. I hope we never say we "get over it".

Mimis-quilts
March 2nd, 2014, 12:36 AM
How wonderful for you that you found the recording of his voice...personally I have not had to face this, but it certainly has crossed my mind several times with Carl's heart problems. However, like many of you have said, I miss my mom terribly...she has been gone 10 years...
Thank you for sharing this with us...I can only imagine your joy and sorrow when you heard his voice.

Sixtop
March 2nd, 2014, 12:45 AM
Thank you for sharing. My grandmother passed away four years ago and we were incredibly close. She lived with my parents every winter, moving from the mountains of upstate New York to sunny Florida, every year from when I was 12 until the year she passed when I was 30. We spent many months together and I'm so glad that my husband got to meet this wonderful woman. My sister sent me a video that she took of grandma a week after the funeral and four years later, I still haven't watched it. Maybe now is the time.

rebeccas-sewing
March 2nd, 2014, 12:55 AM
So sad to hear this. I have two very dear friends who lost their husbands at a similar age. They feel the same as you. It's something you never get over. Sadly, one of these two friends also died at a young age. Their sons are both in their twenties and no longer have either parent. The father dropped dead on our soccer field down the street while playing a game of soccer. His boys witnessed this tragedy. It was his heart. The mother met a wonderful man and remarried. She, her new husband and one her her two boys were living in China. Her husband woke one morning to find her gone. She passed away in her sleep. Every time I think about it I still can't get over these young men losing both parents. Both of them dying at such a young age. Life can sometimes be so cruel.

Auntpiggylpn
March 2nd, 2014, 02:51 AM
Wow, this post hit close to home! I have not lost a spouse but I did lose the most important man in my life 5 years ago: my Daddy. I will never get over it as his life was taken from him so unfairly at the hands of the negligent staff of the nursing home he was in. Just today I received a package in the mail from my friend in Florida. It was a cross stitched piece that he had made for me in honor of my father. My father had been a mechanic for the John Deere company and he collected and restored antique tractors. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe when I opened the package and I have cried off & on all day. I know that my dad is with me everyday but there is NOTHING in this world will ever take away the hurt in my heart caused by the loss of him.

tamsterg7
March 2nd, 2014, 02:57 AM
I don't think you 'get over' a loss of this nature. Getting over something, to me, means you are done with it, forgetting it...and the loss of a spouse, parent, child, rezlly anyone that owned a piece of your heart is not something you forget. Our middle child was brain damaged @ birth, functioned at a 3 month level until he passed at age 7. He would be 28 now,and when I hear Louie Armstrong sing 'What a Wonderful World' (the song we played at his funeral) the tears flow. Moving forward is healthy, but holding someone in your heart forever is too.

Jean Sewing Machine
March 2nd, 2014, 03:16 AM
Get over it? Meaning things are as they always have been, back to normal? No, but a new " normal" creeps in, and life takes on a new irection. You will always miss the loved one, memories may be good and give you joy, orbittersweet, causing you to cry more tears.

It's been 8 years of widowhood for me. I'll never get over the loss of my spouse.

brook
March 2nd, 2014, 03:46 AM
My husband died 10 years ago when he was 51 and there's not a day go by that I don't think of him. Usually, well meaning people, that say you'll get over it just don't know. I've had the unpleasent comparison of losing a child, 3 grandparents, 2 brotherin-laws, mom, dad and mother-in-law. Losing my husband was the worst. I think it's because our spouses are such a part of us.
But God has been with me every step of the way. : )

easyquilts
March 2nd, 2014, 08:15 AM
As everyone knows, my husband of 46 years died January 8th, after a long battle with COPD....

I really do nit expect to get over his death.... We met when we were teens....17-14 or 15...... So we spent a lifetime together.

I have cried every day since ?January 8th.....over anything and everything.... The tears are wearing me out.

I understand your joy over your "find "..... I have several years worth of saved messages in my phone.... When I got my first iPhone yesterday, there was an awful moment when I thought my previous messages had been lost.... I had a major meltdown... But, with the help of my DD, I found them....

I listened to one....for the first time last night...... I thought my heart would break.. Hearing that sweet, familiar voice expressing his love and concern for me....

I ran into an old friend at Joann's yesterday.... I hadn't seen her for months..... She knew that Earl had died after 2.5 years of a terrible struggle just to breathe..... And she said...."oh, but you were ready ".... I told her that no, I wasn't "ready".... Her assumption that just because I knew he was going to die, made things better, somehow, was a little offensive to me (I don 'to offend easily)...

Sure, I knew my sweetheart was going to die....and soon....but there is a built in denial thing that goes on.... No, although I desperately wanted his awful suffering to be over, the shock was enormous.... I think I am still somewhat in denial... How could he possibly be gone?

No... I don 't expect to ever "get over " losing my husband.... I 'm too old, and we were married too long.... But, that 's OK. I know the pain will lessen as time goes on, but that's all.... I can't even remember right now.... It all hurts too much.

Thanks again to everyone here for your love and support..

quiltingtrish
March 2nd, 2014, 08:54 AM
What a beautiful 'find' you have in hearing his voice again.
I lost my mother in 2004, 10 years ago, wow - I can't believe it has been that long. She had Parkinson's for a very long time so even though we could see her failing health, we were never ready. There are times that I pull out the old cassette tapes she had made me that has the whole family on it while I was in Germany for 2 years. She would set up the tape player at the dining room table and I would hear everyone's daily dinner conversations. Even my beloved grandfather is on there. I laugh and cry when I hear their voices. I talk to her when I hear wind chimes especially when they twinkle for no reason at all, then I know she is watching over me. I have a favorite shirt of my grandfathers hanging in my closet that I smell every time I come across it.
Sixtop - you will know when the time is right for you to watch your video of your grandmother. I believe that when our loved ones pass on, they would be so very happy to know they were loved so much and to have us to remember all the good times we had with them.
Auntpiggylpn - what a beautiful cross-stitch your friend put into making such a memoir of your father.
No - we never get over it. We move on and we remember and the tears we shed are the love we show for who God had given us. No matter when someone moves on to their next phase, it is always too soon no matter their age.
When it's my time, I don't even want a viewing. Remember me as I was. And if I have to pass anything down for them to remember, I hope they find a blessing for everyday of their life. Whether it is to stop and listen to a bird sing, watch a sunset or sunrise, look at the moon and all that is out in the universe, watch a child play, snuggle up with a pet, do a unplanned kindness for someone else, or being given the memory of someone who has passed on - when I lay down at night I choose a blessing I have received that day and thank the Lord for putting it in my path.
Hugs for all of you remembering.

shermur
March 2nd, 2014, 10:10 AM
Peggy...so thankful for your find. You're right when you lose someone so dear to your heart especially when you feel they pass away before their time. When I lost my Mother in 2002 (58 years of age) it seemed so senseless. Just this past weekend, I was going through cassette tapes for packing and I came across a tape where my family was singing at a church in southern Missouri...what year I'm not sure. But I could hear my Mother's sweet soprano singing and talking on this tape and it brought back wonderful memories and how much I miss her. DH found me crying while the tape was playing and he didn't say a word...he just came over and enveloped me in his arms.
Over the past 11 years it has been difficult every holiday to get through without my Mother, Barbara. She died right before Christmas. For the first several Christmas' I could have care less whether or not a Christmas tree was put up and trimmed. whether or not gifts were bought. I do know, that my Dad grieved so hard that he was admitted into the hospital; they had just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary the prior month.
So, what a blessing for you to have found that tape; keep it safe and dear to your heart!

Divine Daisy
March 2nd, 2014, 12:41 PM
My Father died when I was 9 and my mother was 33, that makes it 46 years ago...........wow!

My mother used to say in latter years....... If I walked past your dad in the street now neither of us would recognise the other. Her memories of him were of a young handsome man not of a man in his 80s.

The day I was 'older' than my Dad I cried, No one should be older than their Dad

No you learn to live with it but you never get over it.

There is a beautiful Jewish saying that is popular in my family. It is used by women and said to other women.

'All you can do is live until you feel alive again'. I say this from me to you.

Mimis-quilts
March 2nd, 2014, 12:55 PM
...although I desperately wanted his awful suffering to be over, the shock was enormous.... I think I am still somewhat in denial... How could he possibly be gone?
Sandy, I know exactly how you feel...my mom suffered with COPD for about 5 years, the last 2 years being the worst. I thought I was ready for her to out of her misery, ready for the suffering to end...but when she actually passed away, I knew immediately that I was not ready...I thought my heart would actually break...there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I could pick up the phone and call her. So sorry for your loss. And I feel for everyone that has lost a loved one. God Bless us all!

auntiemern
March 2nd, 2014, 01:22 PM
This really hit home with me. Rhonda made all of us girls a video of my dad, from a life time of photos about a year after he passed. I watched most of one when she gave them to us. Mine, however is still in the wrapping paper. I don't think I will ever be able to watch it. I was daddy's girl, and cared for him til the day he died. Nope can't go there.
My BFF lost her DH 6 yrs ago...and it still hurts her terribly. Well meaning people would tell her it would pass, to which I would tell her, to grieve as long as she had to. If that was the rest of her life, then that was ok.
I don't have any idea how it feels to lose your spouse, but losing anyone that is a part of you hurts, and that hurt never goes away.
Thank you for sharing. My grandmother passed away four years ago and we were incredibly close. She lived with my parents every winter, moving from the mountains of upstate New York to sunny Florida, every year from when I was 12 until the year she passed when I was 30. We spent many months together and I'm so glad that my husband got to meet this wonderful woman. My sister sent me a video that she took of grandma a week after the funeral and four years later, I still haven't watched it. Maybe now is the time.

easyquilts
March 2nd, 2014, 02:03 PM
I still miss my Mom and I lost her suddenly in 2004. I have always said "you get through it, you never get over it". Holds true for me. And yes, that feeling of being an orphan. Very true. Hugs to you. And happy for your find!

Yes.... The understanding that you are an orphan....at whatever age....is a real shock.... I know that when Mom died, in 2000, I was so surprised to find that I was....indeed...an orphan... And, I hated becoming the oldest generation....

easyquilts
March 2nd, 2014, 02:09 PM
Wow, this post hit close to home! I have not lost a spouse but I did lose the most important man in my life 5 years ago: my Daddy. I will never get over it as his life was taken from him so unfairly at the hands of the negligent staff of the nursing home he was in. Just today I received a package in the mail from my friend in Florida. It was a cross stitched piece that he had made for me in honor of my father. My father had been a mechanic for the John Deere company and he collected and restored antique tractors. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe when I opened the package and I have cried off & on all day. I know that my dad is with me everyday but there is NOTHING in this world will ever take away the hurt in my heart caused by the loss of him.


Our daughter was her Daddy's "Princess"... He never called her anything else.... She has, and, I think always will, have a lot of sorrow over his death....

Iris Girl
March 2nd, 2014, 02:18 PM
My oldest son turns 30 today. That makes 20 years next year my mom has been gone. I think of her everyday. I miss her so much. She was my best friend. I will never get over the loss. She was my shopping buddy , Those first few shopping expeditions without her were traumatic and filled with tears. I have never lost a spouse and dread the day if I am the one left of what to do. You move on , you never get over it or forget. I was always told as long as you speak and remember that person they will always be with you. My mom is always with me :)

easyquilts
March 2nd, 2014, 02:21 PM
Sandy, I know exactly how you feel...my mom suffered with COPD for about 5 years, the last 2 years being the worst. I thought I was ready for her to out of her misery, ready for the suffering to end...but when she actually passed away, I knew immediately that I was not ready...I thought my heart would actually break...there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I could pick up the phone and call her. So sorry for your loss. And I feel for everyone that has lost a loved one. God Bless us all!


Not more than a few minutes before Earl died I had told his nurse that I wanted this to be over for him.... But, when it WAS over for him, I wasn't ready, at all.....

There is a doing, by a gospel trio called The Greens..... Part of the words are " I would die for you, but I would not take you back". It is true... I would not wasn't Earl to return to his terrible suffering......and yet....and yet..... I would give anything for just five minutes more.... It's ti ugh...

easyquilts
March 2nd, 2014, 02:25 PM
Marilyn... I understand.... I have a whole phone full of messages from Earl, but I may never listen to thrm... I only heard the one I spoke of, to make sure they were on my new iPhone....

We talked on the phone a lot, before we became engaged, and I think I fell in love with his voice... Always loved it...

Genny
March 2nd, 2014, 02:47 PM
Yesterday was my son-in-law's birthday and it was a really hard day for my dd and granddaughters. It's hard for them because they know that even though time may make it easier to accept losing him they will never get over missing him. He passed away 6 months ago from cancer. Below is a poem my oldest granddaughter found and place on her Facebook page.

God saw that he was getting tired,
And a cure was not to be,
So he put his arms around him
And whispered, "Come with me."

With tearful eyes we watched him suffer,
And watched him fade away.
Although we loved him dearly,
We could not make him stay.

A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard working hands put to rest.

God broke our hearts to prove he only takes the best.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Dad. We'll see you again one day and miss you everyday!

MayinJerset
March 2nd, 2014, 02:52 PM
Sandy, DS#1 is going through the same pain right now. Although they knew his DW wouldn't get any better they surely thought she would have more than 2 weeks after they were told that. In fact they took a great family photo 2 days before and she and DS went kayaking the day before she fell into a coma and died the next day. He comes over about once a week for dinner and we talk about everyday things and mention her a bit but I think I'll ask him to think about try joining a bereavement group at his church as he needs to talk with people who have the same experience.

JCY
March 3rd, 2014, 01:28 AM
Only insensitive friends/acquaintances will tell you that you'll "get over it." Healing takes time--more for some than others. Those memories always will be with us. How special that you found the treasure of your hubby's voice on the tape. My 1st husb. died at age 28 (suicide). At age 27, I was widowed with 2 young sons. I remarried 6 yrs. later. We've been married almost 39 yrs. He's in poor health--not sure how much longer I'll have him with me. None of us knows what the future holds, so we need to make the best of each day & count our blessings. JCY

redcaboose1717
March 3rd, 2014, 02:13 AM
Peggy, I don't think you ever get over the death of a spouse. Sure, you can learn to move on, and possibly find love again, but no, I don't think you ever get over the loss.
My DH Terry and I were soulmates. We had a marriage that our family and friends were in awe of . I know that most people would say I am "sugar-coating " our marriage, but we never ever fought, no not once. We were the type of couple that finished each other sentences etc.
One of the most wonderful things a friend of mine told me months after the funeral was that our 3rd child told her( during the luncheon after the funeral ) " I just hope that when I get married, I have just half the marriage my parents had. " I think about what our son said often.
I did remarry almost 2 yrs ago, and while you can learn to love again, and learn to go on.....you don't forget. I don't think it's possible to.
My profile photo is one of my favorite family photos of my DH Terry, myself and our first-born Jeremy, ( 2 yrs old) ....
I had a friend just offer to take some of the VCR tapes I have and put them on DVD's......I was going thru some of these tapes, and it was really hard. To hear Terry tell me " l Love You" in those tapes....well, it was amazing to hear his voice once again.