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cyndiofthevortex
February 13th, 2014, 03:53 PM
A child my daughter (who suffers from infertility) has been planning to adopt has at the last minute been claimed by a grandmother. He has been living with us for the past 10 months and is a solid part of our family. This grandmother, for 10 months, has consistently said she was so happy that Bethany was going to be his forever mom. He is 2 1/2, was abandoned by his mother and his father is in jail, and Bethany is the only mother he has ever known. How will we say goodbye to him? How will he understand where his family has gone? How do we explain to his two older brothers, ages 6 and 7, why he has to leave us? Why did she wait until he had completely stolen our hearts to claim him? We have no answers. Only tears.

This morning I had a period of time when my chest hurt like I imagine a heart attack feels like. It was like someone was squeezing the life out of my heart.

GinnyKNC
February 13th, 2014, 03:57 PM
Oh my heart aches from reading this. Prayers to your family including that precious child.

PeggyM
February 13th, 2014, 03:59 PM
That is so heartbreaking. I can't imagine the pain. I'm sooo sorry for all of you.

grannyann
February 13th, 2014, 04:00 PM
I don't understand why people do the things they do. I can only imagine the heart break you are all going through and what does this do to that little guy. Will they let you all keep in touch with him? So sorry you are going through this heart breaking time and pray just maybe things will work out for all in the end.

WendyI
February 13th, 2014, 04:02 PM
Oh Cyndi! I cannot begin to imagine how heartbroken you must all be. People can be SO selfish and cruel! I'm so sad for your family. :'( ((((((((HUGS))))))))) Adoption can be so unfair sometimes.

Jean Sewing Machine
February 13th, 2014, 04:04 PM
Cyndi, I am so sad for you and Bethany. I know you all know the best thing for this child would have a safe and stable home such as Bethany's to grow up in, with you and your DH as proud and nurturing grandparents. I know your heart must be breaking now. That must be the complete downside of fostering children, saying goodbye when they are taken away. So sad!

tennesseesews
February 13th, 2014, 04:07 PM
Prayers are going your way. How long before courts put the childs welfare before the biological family? After this much time has passed; yours is the only family that should be considered for the child.

cyndiofthevortex
February 13th, 2014, 04:17 PM
Prayers are going your way. How long before courts put the childs welfare before the biological family? After this much time has passed; yours is the only family that should be considered for the child.
The biological family has one year to claim a child. We support family reunification and all but two of our 21 foster grandchildren have gone home to birth family members. But to be 10 months into a 12 month adoption time period? Bethany is even reconsidering whether she can be a foster mom anymore, her pain is so great. They will take a month to transition him from our house to hers.

And to answer another question, it would be too confusing for him to continue to see us after the transition. In order for him to be happy and secure in his new home, he has to forget about us. We will hear reports on how he is doing (so the grandmother says right now) but that may just keep our wounds open and fresh. There is no easy way out of this heartache for any of us. And we know the pain is just beginning.

Sometimes I just don't understand why God allows some things to happen.

Bubby
February 13th, 2014, 04:18 PM
This is so sad and I'm so sorry. Hugs and prayers....Barb

Suzette
February 13th, 2014, 04:23 PM
This is so tragic, words escape me. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

MayinJerset
February 13th, 2014, 04:24 PM
I have no words to add about this very, very sad happening, prayers for your DD and family as well as the little boy, may his grandmother take good care of him.

cyndiofthevortex
February 13th, 2014, 04:29 PM
may his grandmother take good care of him.We know she will. She loves him. She is a good woman. She knows she is hurting us, and she is sorry about that, but she feels this is the best thing for Christian. And maybe it would have been the right thing for her to do earlier in the process. It is just too late for there not to be confusion, pain and sorrow for this little boy.

sewbizzy
February 13th, 2014, 04:54 PM
Sending prayers your way, Cyndi...feeling very sad for you and your family!

TRLSRL72
February 13th, 2014, 04:55 PM
My heart breaks for you and your family. I have always said someone who fosters children are God given. I'm sorry the grandmother didn't say anything sooner. That is completely unfair to everyone involved. Sending prayers for you and your DD. May God bring your family peace during such a difficult time.

easyquilts
February 13th, 2014, 05:30 PM
Oh Cyndi.... This is so terrible! You and your family must be heartbroken... Our prayers are with you all.... Keep us updated....

Carol336
February 13th, 2014, 05:47 PM
Oh Cyndi - I'm so very sorry for what you and your family are going through. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and heartbreak you are feeling for losing Christian after all this time. Sending big hugs to you and Brittany and of course sending prayers up for all of you.

MRoy
February 13th, 2014, 05:50 PM
Cyndi, I am so sorry for you all! Does your state have a program that pays relatives a monthly stipend who care for and seek permanent custody of a child? In Kentucky it's called Kinship Care and it's $300 per child per month. I hate to seem cynical (came with my job), but I've seen relatives take children in only for the $$. My first thought was that maybe the grandmother has just learned about monetary assistance if she takes him. I will be praying that whatever the Lord deems is best for the child is what happens.

cyndiofthevortex
February 13th, 2014, 06:00 PM
Cyndi, I am so sorry for you all! Does your state have a program that pays relatives a monthly stipend who care for and seek permanent custody of a child? In Kentucky it's called Kinship Care and it's $300 per child per month. I hate to seem cynical (came with my job), but I've seen relatives take children in only for the $$. My first thought was that maybe the grandmother has just learned about monetary assistance if she takes him. I will be praying that whatever the Lord deems is best for the child is what happens.Yes, they do give a relative money, but I'm sure that isn't her motivation. Like I said, she really is a nice person. She knows this will be hard for everyone, including Christian. She just thinks it is the right thing to do. She is, however, motivated by her son in prison. Once he gets out (involuntary manslaughter), then he can have a big role in raising his son, even though Christian will legally be his mom's son.

In court today, he completely ignored this grandmother even though Bethany continued to try to hand him over to her. We have never said anything bad about her, to the contrary, and we do not talk about this new transition in front of him, not yet. It's just that he has no bond to her at all. He wanted Bethany and clung to her in the strange surroundings. She may not legally be his mother, but she is his mother nonetheless. What a mess this all is.

Claire Hallman
February 13th, 2014, 06:05 PM
I know your family is hurting right now but perhaps God decided that with the grandmother would be the best place for him to be. The child will adapt and be fine based on what you said about the grandmother. Knowing his father will most likely be a benefit for him as well.
Sorry for the loss of this child from your family but please be sure to wish him well and help him transition.

cyndiofthevortex
February 13th, 2014, 06:10 PM
I know your family is hurting right now but perhaps God decided that with the grandmother would be the best place for him to be. The child will adapt and be fine based on what you said about the grandmother. Knowing his father will most likely be a benefit for him as well.
Sorry for the loss of this child from your family but please be sure to wish him well and help him transition.Bethany practices open adoption, so he would know his father even if he had stayed here.

We completely support family reunification and work for it diligently with the social workers. It's very important here in NH. But 10 months into a 12 month adoption waiting period? Yes, God does what is right and we do trust him. We just don't understand some of the things he chooses for us and those we love.

pcbatiks
February 13th, 2014, 06:18 PM
Cyndi........you know I'm still praying for all of your family and Christian too. Wish there were better words to comfort each of you. Remember that we all love you.......please let Bethany know that so many of us are praying for them too.

Iris Girl
February 13th, 2014, 06:33 PM
so sorry to hear of this sadness. Sometimes things work out for a reason. One we can't always see at the moment. I know there will be pain but in time it will lessen. You will never forget the wonderful time you had and the memories made while he was a part of your family. a warm hug for you and your family

HandsOffItsMine
February 13th, 2014, 07:08 PM
(((Cyndi))),

When I read the title my heart sank, I knew this could not be good. I'm heart broken for Christian, Bethaney, you and the family, I can't help but cry. How can this happen at the last minute, Bethaney is his Mommy, he has brothers, a close family. It brings back memories our own two failed adoption attempts. This grandmother might be nice but she should have claimed him right away if that was the case.

To think that his biological father will now be an active part in Christian's life after he gets out of prison makes me physically sick. I do not understand the courts. Just because you gave birth or you are family doesn't make you the best choice. He is her son, she did raise him, she had to have some an influence on the decisions he made in his life.

I pray for strength and guidance for all of you and protection/love for Christian. He's such a special child...

Huggers, Ruby and Don and Kat

Genny
February 13th, 2014, 07:20 PM
Cyndi this is so very sad and my heart breaks for you and all your family and especially for this innocent little boy. I've heard so many sad stories like this where the children are taken care of by good loving caring families and when the word "adopt" comes up they're pulled from the home and arms of the ones they love and are loved by. Why this grandmother all at once decided she wants her grandson...who knows...but if she really loves him then she should leave him in the loving arms of your family and be happy for him. If she couldn't take him from the start...then she shouldn't take him now...just my opinion...

Shirley
February 13th, 2014, 07:39 PM
So very sorry to hear this. My heart aches for you.

bkthomas
February 13th, 2014, 08:07 PM
Oh Cyndi........Hugs to you and yours.......:(

auntiemern
February 13th, 2014, 08:11 PM
I feel so bad for your family. I know Bethany must be beyond consolation. Prayers for all of you. I don't know how anyone with such a loving heart can foster children, only to have to give them back. I don't know if I could have my heart broken time and again.

KathieB
February 13th, 2014, 08:26 PM
I know there are no words to ease your pain. Just know that we are sending prayers and hugs for your family.

New York Sue
February 13th, 2014, 08:47 PM
Tragic and heartbreaking.
I hope Grandma is a better mother the second time around...
Sadly, I have my doubts. I have to wonder what kind of judge would allow this child to be uprooted again?

ilive2craft2
February 13th, 2014, 09:00 PM
Hugs and prayers for all of you. Such a sad situation.

Simply Quilting
February 13th, 2014, 09:19 PM
Prayers and hugs for you and your family.

Hulamoon
February 13th, 2014, 09:22 PM
I feel so bad for all of you. It's so sad. :( Is the father getting out soon? Maybe he didn't know what he wanted and she talked him into it? He's feeling all fatherly all of a sudden?

I feel sick for you guys (((hugs)))

snippet
February 13th, 2014, 10:15 PM
Oh dear. I can't imagine how y' all feel! Being foster parents must be very difficult - to love a child and bring them into your family knowing that they might be taken back. Especially after such a long time. Gosh, it is just so heart breaking.

I don't know why God lets this happen either. But think of the great care and love you've shown this child and to his family. May your love be a shining example to them.

SallyO'Sews
February 13th, 2014, 10:46 PM
Cyndi, I have no words... but I will continue to pray. May our Heavenly Father wrap you all tightly in His arms and reveal His great love to you.

stationarymom
February 14th, 2014, 03:55 AM
I'm so sorry for the loss and pain your daughter and family are going through. Have you considered talking to the birth mother and social worker about visitation? maybe she will let you stay in touch although this may even be more difficult than letting go. just a thought.

GuitarGramma
February 14th, 2014, 05:17 AM
What a heartbreak. I feel so bad for your family.

Monique
February 14th, 2014, 09:06 AM
I could never imagine being a foster parent in the first place. It would break my heart too much to get attached to these children and have to watch them leave.

It is so sad for Bethany and the family. God give them strength to get through this.

mary3100
February 14th, 2014, 09:48 AM
Gosh what a terrible situation. My sister in law went through the same situation. She was the grandmother who wanted her grandchild. The foster parents went to court to battle the grandparents and won. They won because they were the only parents the child had known and the court sided on the child's best interest. They never got to see their grandson since there are not grandparents visitation laws. Maybe all is not lost for your family.
Prayers to all involved.

turena65
February 14th, 2014, 12:19 PM
Feeling helpless in this situation I will do the only thing I can do... pray for your daughter and your family...

cyndiofthevortex
February 14th, 2014, 12:51 PM
Feeling helpless in this situation I will do the only thing I can do... pray for your daughter and your family...
Helpless is how we feel, too. Thanks for the prayers.

rebeccas-sewing
February 14th, 2014, 02:16 PM
The rules for this just don't seem right to me. Has it always been like this? Parents-to-be are given a child and then it's taken away? I don't understand this. How can a relative comes forward after 10 months and decide to take the child back? That's so unfair and especially unfair to do that to the child.

rebeccas-sewing
February 14th, 2014, 02:19 PM
Oh! I guess I should've read more. I suppose that's a chance one takes when fostering. However, once a child is adopted the relatives no longer have a right to try and get the child back? Is that right? I certainly hope so. I am hoping that maybe the grandma will find it too difficult to take on the responsibility of this child and give him back to you. One can only hope. I'm sure you're not thinking that way, though. Better not to keep one's hopes up.

cyndiofthevortex
February 14th, 2014, 02:57 PM
Oh! I guess I should've read more. I suppose that's a chance one takes when fostering. However, once a child is adopted the relatives no longer have a right to try and get the child back? Is that right? I certainly hope so. I am hoping that maybe the grandma will find it too difficult to take on the responsibility of this child and give him back to you. One can only hope. I'm sure you're not thinking that way, though. Better not to keep one's hopes up.We do want to keep him. We do hope that his grandmother will go back to thinking that Christian should stay with us. We have no ground to stand on, though. No matter how Christian feels or how much he will miss us (until hopefully, for his happiness's sake, he forgets us), until the day of his adoption we will wish and pray him back. Then we will pray every day that he is happy and healthy with his grandmother. There is a bond between Bethany and him that I feel should never be broken. It is as any child and mother's relationship. Who wants to tear a 2 1/2 year old away from his mother in four week's time? We don't think it is the best for him. But it's not our decision. We do accept that.

I hope I'm being clear! It is a complicated situation.

Madeforyouinma11
February 14th, 2014, 03:05 PM
Cyndi, I'm so sorry. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I will especially keep the little guy in my prayers that his transition is smooth and uneventful.

Vonnie
February 14th, 2014, 03:21 PM
I'm so sorry. I don't know why people act like that. I wonder if someone gave her a guilt trip for not taking in her grandson.

dwil23
February 14th, 2014, 03:22 PM
Cyndi, life is so unfair at times. It's hard to see now, but maybe someday you will be able to look back and say "ahh. Now I see what God was doing". Praying for comfort and wisdom for everyone involved. I am so sorry you are having to walk through this valley. Please take of yourselves and each other, allow yourselves to grieve and heal in what ever manner need be. I think anyone would understand if Bethany didn't foster any more children, but I have a feeling with hearts as big as yours are, she will. It may just take a little time. God Bless everyone of you, my heart breaks for you.

(((HUGS)))

Mpyles
February 15th, 2014, 08:24 AM
No words..just prayers.

Slamelung
February 15th, 2014, 09:32 AM
I am so very sorry to hear this, you must all be so heartbroken. Wishing the best for all of you.

Wwena
February 15th, 2014, 01:51 PM
That is heartbreaking. At least you can tell the little guy he is wanted and loved by many and that's why this is so hard.

alliek
February 15th, 2014, 03:45 PM
This is beyond words. I have none that would comfort you or your daughter and her family. How tragic for all. Is the grandmother capable of handling a 21/2 year old with all the adjustment problems he will have? God be with you, Bless all of you. You will remain in my prayers.

Michelle M
February 15th, 2014, 04:06 PM
Sending many prayers your directions. Prayers for peace, comfort and understanding.

ozziepuppy
February 16th, 2014, 04:19 PM
This breaks my heart. He has already bonded with his family and this will cause attachment problems. I wonder if his grandmother understands this. If she could remain "part of the family" in the role of grandmother and if she understood the psychological damage this (taking him away) could cause, I wonder if she would be willing to change her mind. (I am a psychologist & work with children who have attachment problems, among other things.)

kaylabxb
February 16th, 2014, 04:25 PM
I am so sorry. Prayers to you and your family for peace and understanding. (hugs)

kensington
February 16th, 2014, 04:40 PM
I know it must be painful for all of you, and especially your daughter. I think the grandmother probably had a hard time making this decision and has struggled with letting go of her grandchild even to a good home. I don't know if I could do it. It would be as hard as letting go of your own child I believe.

I would pray she did the right thing and his life will be good for her choice. This really hasn't been in her control either. She was the gramma and the mom and the dad did all of the wrong, she is really only trying to do what she believes is right. It probably took getting down to the wire for her to realize she cannot let him go. Peace to you all in this difficult time.

cyndiofthevortex
February 16th, 2014, 04:54 PM
This breaks my heart. He has already bonded with his family and this will cause attachment problems. I wonder if his grandmother understands this. If she could remain "part of the family" in the role of grandmother and if she understood the psychological damage this (taking him away) could cause, I wonder if she would be willing to change her mind. (I am a psychologist & work with children who have attachment problems, among other things.)

When Christian came here at almost 2 years old, he had never spent more than one month in one place, living with a homeless mother. We worried he would not be able to bond with us, but he has. He loves us, especially Bethany, fiercely and without reservation. She is his mother.

My DH and I adopted a 12 year old girl who had been adopted from Brazil, abandoned by her adoptive family and separated from her two birth siblings. We know about attachment disorder! Even with intense counseling, she did not give or accept love until she was an adult. Now, thanks to God, our relationship is a healthy and happy one. It turned out so positively (after years of turmoil) that three of my seven children (so far) are adopting children themselves.

I hope this grandmother and the social workers assisting this adoption will get him a good counselor. I believe he will desperately need it.

Also, my daughter practices open adoption and this grandmother could see him as often as she wanted to, within reason of course. She could continue to be an active role in his life. Bethany's philosophy is, the more a child is loved by those around him, the happier and more successful an adoption will be.

ozziepuppy
February 16th, 2014, 05:34 PM
When Christian came here at almost 2 years old, he had never spent more than one month in one place, living with a homeless mother. We worried he would not be able to bond with us, but he has. He loves us, especially Bethany, fiercely and without reservation. She is his mother.

My DH and I adopted a 12 year old girl who had been adopted from Brazil, abandoned by her adoptive family and separated from her two birth siblings. We know about attachment disorder! Even with intense counseling, she did not give or accept love until she was an adult. Now, thanks to God, our relationship is a healthy and happy one. It turned out so positively (after years of turmoil) that three of my seven children (so far) are adopting children themselves.

I hope this grandmother and the social workers assisting this adoption will get him a good counselor. I believe he will desperately need it.

Also, my daughter practices open adoption and this grandmother could see him as often as she wanted to, within reason of course. She could continue to be an active role in his life. Bethany's philosophy is, the more a child is loved by those around him, the happier and more successful an adoption will be.

I am so sorry you are all going through this! I know you are all in such pain and my heart goes out to you. Will keep your family in my prayers.