View Full Version : Discouraged today...

December 25th, 2013, 07:20 PM
So I made lap blankets for my family for Christmas, everyone loved them and we're talking about how nice they were and how each one fit the person. Well my father looked at his didn't un-roll it and just said thanks and put it to the side. He didn't say anything but I could tell he doesn't appreciate that I quilt and I'm not just like him. He was always working when I was a kid and he's always been a good dad and there when we need him. But I just can feel and tell that he just can't stand that we are so different at times. I know I should be used to it by now. But... Sometimes I just want to just give up on who I am, just to be who he wants me to be. I wan't to just feel like he is proud of me and happy with who I am. Just letting it out needed to vent.

December 25th, 2013, 07:30 PM
Sending you a hug, kiddo. I'm 56 and still have issues with my dad. Be yourself and be proud of it. You are perfect just the way you are right now, remember that.

December 25th, 2013, 07:32 PM
Be lucky that you still have your dad with you. Mine passed away 29 years ago and I miss him terribly.

December 25th, 2013, 07:35 PM
Be yourself. Maybe he just needs a hug. Wouldn't it be a boring world if we were all just alike?

Iris Girl
December 25th, 2013, 07:36 PM
You are who you are. Be proud of that. Give him a hug.

December 25th, 2013, 07:43 PM
You know what you should do? Turn the table. Tell one of the other family members to tell him that they would really like that quilt, totally in love with it. Then you will know.

Poopy people are hard to deal with family or not. Be happy:)

Jean Sewing Machine
December 25th, 2013, 08:04 PM
Sad when our expectations aren't met by the ones we love, especially when given a gift made from the heart. You just concentrate on the people who loved their quilts. Some peopLe don't appreciate what work goes in a quilt, and there is no changing their viewpoint. Be who you are, and don't let someone's attitude rain on your parade!

December 25th, 2013, 08:08 PM
Hey David,

I'm sorry to hear your Dad can't handle that you're a quilter. A couple of suggestions: be upfront with him and say, "Dad, I can tell my quilting bothers you. So from now on, when I make quilts for the rest of the family, I'll be giving you a different gift. Just promise me you won't feel left out. "

After all, gifts are supposed to be tailored to the receiver. I know that when we quilt, we're pouring love into every stitch, but non-quilters simply don't understand that AT ALL. Your Dad certainly doesn't. Then get him a gift that suits him. Mourn with us that your Dad won't like your quilting for him--we understand. But it will make you happier if you see your Dad's face light up because you gifted him just the right thing.

Wishing you all the best.

December 25th, 2013, 08:22 PM
Some folks see quilting as only for women. Some don't understand doing quilting (or any other crafts) at all. Anything we do is not going to be appreciated by everyone and sometimes that hurts. But don't let that discourage you from quilting. I think Toni made an excellent suggestion for a conversation with your dad. You don't know exactly where he's coming from and maybe some dialogue will help you both to understand each other better. Good luck!

Sew Perfect
December 25th, 2013, 08:34 PM
Speaking from experience, we cannot please everyone and that's OKAY. With my family, it's all about the males. The ONLY commen ground Dad and I have IS quilting. Your dad may not have thought the quilt you made for him is a big deal, but he will use it. He may cover up with it in his recliner, if he has one, while napping or watching T.V. Two things I would not do is 1) test him or 2) change for him. It will be okay.

Be blessed.

Sandy Navas
December 25th, 2013, 09:16 PM
I see this in a totally different light so bear with me. You don't say how old your father is, and we know nothing of his background. My father was a very stoic man who never showed affection and I actually grew up feeling he didn't love us - I was in my 20's when I found out different and it was the first time I ever saw him cry. Through the years I watched and learned to recognize those little signs. Dad was full of love - yet he had been taught that men didn't share their feelings. I was in my mid 40's when Dad put his arm around my shoulder and told me "I'm so sorry that I was so harsh with you when you were growing up." And it was easy for me to look that wonderful man in the eye and tell him honestly, "I'm glad you were the way you were." I went on to tell him that his way formed who I had become and I have been happy with myself for quite some time.

There are so many ways that people see and read actions and emotions of others. I'm guessing that your Dad secretly does like his present but he may be more content to sit at the sidelines peacefully and enjoy rather than joining in the hullabaloo of Christmas. I'd say he knows you love him, he may not know how to show you that he loves you right back.

December 25th, 2013, 09:48 PM
Oh David - I so understand what you're feeling. My Dad is from that older generation (he turned 78 this year) and he used to look down upon handmade gifts. They reminded him of the depression years when he was growing up when everything was make-do and homemade. For too many years, I didn't understand that and I would labor over something that I gave him. Here I was thinking "homemade = Love" and he was thinking "homemade = too poor to buy a present". It wasn't until I was much older that I understood.

This year I made him a quilt that I gave him on the 4th of July (late Father's Day present). I was very proud of the gift I made him. You know what he treasures more? The letter I wrote to go with it. I know he finds comfort in the quilt especially on these cold days - and he's always cold. When we were there at Thanksgiving, it was still folded up in the closet. I made sure it was brought out and put on the end of his bed. Do you know he wanted me to bring it out and show his friends who dropped by, telling them how proud they were of me. Months later.

Too often I fell into the trap of assigning a feeling to another person's actions. Unless they specifically say something, I can't really know what they're thinking. Yes actions speak, but too often the actions are misjudged. I hope one day your Dad will see the gift for what you wanted it to represent. In the meantime it might be worth a conversation with him at a later date - just to check to see if your assumptions were correct. Tell him from the heart what it meant for you to make the quilt, and see if it doesn't change his attitude. Personally, I'd wait until the holidays are over, and do it in private, not at the dinner table ;). Love him for who he is right now, and let yourself off the hook for having expectations.

Here's a (((big hug))) for you for being courageous - being yourself.

December 25th, 2013, 10:49 PM
I am estranged from my mother..."hurt people, hurt people" as my pastor says. I am 51 years old and my parents never were proud, never said, I love you, never said I was pretty. It is sad how we are a product of a chain of parenting from generations back. I haven't been the model parent, either. But you know in your heart that you did good, and even if he never said anything...maybe that's his hangup...not yours. Don't let others steal your joy!

Divine Daisy
December 25th, 2013, 10:51 PM
I know it is hard to focus on the ten people who love what you do and hear only the one who says little or remains silent. This is natural for a child who has always felt a lack of closeness from a parent. My own mother focused almost totally on my brother after my Dad died when I was nine. I always felt that I wasn't good enough, clever enough, sporty enough, ambitious enough for her. The truth was that I was very like my Dad. Maybe she found that painful.

I think we forget that our parents have their own experiences that mold them and why should we think of that? We are the kids after all! It is their job to be there for us and be what we need . Well yes it is but we grow up and are different from the child they knew in the same way as they are different from the person we think they are.

I am so sorry that you feel this hurt, believe me I know it well. I don't say try to understand..........often that is too hard. But do try to hear those who loved their quilts. I wouldn't try to talk to your Dad about it, that path in my experience leads to more hurt either for you because you may not get the reaction you hope for or for him if he feels he has let you down.

Maybe what I am saying is not that you should understand him but perhaps work towards accepting who he is and be proud of who you are.

Good luck

December 26th, 2013, 02:56 AM
I wish my dad were still here so I could make him a quilt....Sorry about your dads reaction. Last Christmas, I made all five grandkids quilts, not small ones either...they were twins, and one was a queen. My middle grandgirl took hers out of the bag for a photo then folded it back up and put it back in the gift bag where it remained for three months! That really hurt my feelings, and I finally asked her why she was not using it. She said she didn't want to ruin it! Here I thought she didn't like it!

December 26th, 2013, 09:20 AM
I can relate, dr1987. My family hasn't had our extended family Christmas yet, it won't happen until New Years weekend. But yesterday I felt very unappreciated.
To slightly explain...I don't text on my phone. I think texting is totally impersonal and on Christmas day in the past, family usually call and we catch up on life. I got two phone calls yesterday from my uncles. My Dad nor two sisters didn't call and there was lots of texting. I didn't answer any of them. And it wouldn't surprise me if my Dad was within two miles of my house yesterday at my step-siblings house for Christmas and didn't even bother to come by or call. I appreciate your vent, I feel the same way. Very unappreciated and not to mention I wrapped three of the UFO quilts for my kids with an apology that they hadn't gotten finished for Christmas, feeling as though I had failed myself. And yesterday made me miss my Mother that much more when I didn't receive the family connections I had in the past.....

December 26th, 2013, 09:43 AM
Hugs to you David.

Rhonda D. Matzker
December 26th, 2013, 10:28 AM
You should tell your dad how you felt about his reaction. However, I sometimes think it is a guy thing (at least certain guys) do not show their appreciation for handcrafted items. I don't think my dad would have acted any different, were he still alive, if I made him a quilt as your dad reacted with you. It could also be a generation thing. I'm sorry you were hurt and her is a (((BIG HUG))) to make you feel better.

December 26th, 2013, 01:07 PM
You need to be you. My dad and I were never close as I didn't grow up with my mom and dad. Even as an adult I never felt that he was proud of me. Now that he has passed, it was his loss for not knowing the real me and appreciating it.
But I have a good job, a nice house, a beautiful family, two wonderful sons, a wonderful daughter in-law and a granddaughter on the way. I am so proud of each member of family. They are all different and it's those differences that make me love them so much. They don't pretend to be someone they are not and I hope they never do.
HUGS - Just be you and know that you are awesome.
Sometimes people have a hard time expressing their emotions and maybe that is your dads challenge.

December 27th, 2013, 02:10 AM
Sorry he didn't react the way the other family members did. Focus on the others though, and know that you did your best with love for the recipients.

My son is like your dad - very unappreciative of anything I give him. Sometimes I feel like I'm jumping through hoops trying to find something to make him happy. I finally gave up and realized that's how he's going to be and there ain't nothing I can do. I feel better, but it still stings.

Where are the pictures of these quilts???? We need to see too!