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Lilly
October 24th, 2013, 07:07 PM
My BFF is at the Mayo with her DH for 90+ days and I'm helping to care for her live in Mother while they are gone. Her Mom just moved here from Wiliston ND so I didn't know her much before I started helping. (She is 92 years old) She likes me I think but she is the meanest most selfish woman I've ever come across. I can handle it - I just offer it up or figure if it doesn't break me it will make me. But working with her has given me pause. I really really want to know how to prevent ending up like her. Can sweeet nice people become like this without meaning to when they are senile?? It really worries me that I could end up like her. I'd rather be drugged up in a nursing home than treat my family like this. She can't mean some of the things she says - I say " Did you really say that to her (him)" And she says yes like it is no big deal. I'm not complaining here and I really don't need advice on how to deal with her. I just want to know if she was maybe always like this or has senility changed her and she has no control over her mean-ness? I just want to know if I have a choice in becomming mean and nasty or not. What do the wise women here think? Thanks guys!

Lisapc
October 24th, 2013, 07:13 PM
We are who we are.. If you are a nasty, spiteful, lying, drama causing teenager and adult you will be that times 10 as a senior citizen. If you are a rational, kind, loving, moral teenager and adult you will be that times 10 as a senior.

All that is blown out the window if you have a degenerative brain disease, have had a stroke or suffered a tragedy you have not recovered from.


Here is an interesting fact. In a nursing home when the wives visit they are the ones who are controlling and sometimes even abusive to their spouses who cannot defend themselves. When the hubby's visit they are doting and loving and it makes no difference how those men were in their younger days. Devoted or abusive they are usually wonderful to their wives who are ill.

That is not a blanket truth but it is a fact for a lot of seniors who one half of a couple in a nursing home.

buckeyequilter
October 24th, 2013, 07:19 PM
I agree with Lisa. I really don't think it's something that can be controlled.

SuzyQue
October 24th, 2013, 09:22 PM
I had a father with Alzeheimer's that was so mean and had no filter. I still have a mother with dementia. She is a sweetie, but is loosing her filter. You never know what she will say, but she isn't usually mean about a thing. She wouldn't be pleased if her normal self could see her now self, but it is what it is. Love overcomes a lot of things.....even things said that shouldn't have been said. I am not sure we have a lot of choice, but I still take lots of vitamins B and D. (supposedly good for brain health) I hope my children will love me as much as I do her.....when I hit senility.

grandmasieg
October 24th, 2013, 09:24 PM
I'm a nurse at a county nursing home and I have all kinds of patients (30 on my unit alone). Some are just homeless, some are physically handicapped, some are hospice, some are mentally challenged, some have brain damage from falls, but most, if not all of them, have some degree of dementia. Ranging from mild/short term memory loss to the most severe forms of Dementia. There are some patients that you just know have been "mean" all their lives and others that you know, either from family and friends who visit, or just from instinct, that they were happy, productive individuals. I've been hit, bitten, spit at, and sworn at every day. It seems to me that the people who have been nasty all their lives rarely, if ever, have visitors. I try to think of each one as one of my family members. It gets really hard at times, but this is what I've always wanted to do, and I do it well. Remember, your friend's mother had to leave her home, most of her possessions, her life behind her when she moved in with her daughter. I found that the best way to respond to meanness from my residents is to firmly tell them that I don't like that kind of behavior/language and it won't be tolerated. Sometimes just talking to them and asking how their day is going is enough. Just smile and remember what they must be feeling. Consider this a learning experience! As far as you "getting mean" when you get older, this is what I always tell my co-workers "I don't care if I'm wearing a diaper, eating mush, rambling on about nonsense, etc. Just make sure my hair looks good!"

Hugs!
Debbie

Sandy Navas
October 24th, 2013, 10:28 PM
Ironic you bring this up. I have an aunt, by marriage, who has recently shown some very strange behavior. My uncle (her hubby) passed the end of January. They have one son and he took his Mom home after the funeral. Things were well until she had a minor stroke - TIA - and then she started being abusive and very suspicious. She left and went back home about the end of April. Since then she has called the sheriff numerous times complaining about the neighbors trying to break into her house late at night, singing songs in her garden, knocking on her door and then running away (even when they are at work). It is a very scary thing when the brain starts to deteriorate like that - personalities change and it is oh, so very sad. My Mom, before passing, was like that and it was sure difficult to even think of her being "Mom" when she'd lash out, kick, bite, hit . . . not her personality at all.

You will be blessed. Such a sad situation she is in - the initial move, and now her daughter being gone and she really doesn't now you. She must feel so confused, too.

Hulamoon
October 24th, 2013, 10:30 PM
92 is a long time to live. One of my grandmothers was about 90 when she passed. I remember the last time I saw her. She was holding on to me like it was going to be the last time when she was getting into a car. I was visiting from here.

She never went into a home but into my aunts house. My aunt would tell me she (my grandmother) was getting scared. It made me think how I was going to end up too.

Is there an animal in the house? That could help. She might be depressed.

Lilly
October 24th, 2013, 11:05 PM
Thanks guys - I was thinking tonight while reading your replys that maybe she is just saying the stuff she has been thinking but not daring to speak before. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks". I'm just hoping I can spend the rest of my life thinking of only the "beautiful, good, praiseworthy" thoughts so that there is none of that mean stuff to come out.

Miss Sheri
October 24th, 2013, 11:09 PM
Thanks guys - I was thinking tonight while reading your replys that maybe she is just saying the stuff she has been thinking but not daring to speak before. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks". I'm just hoping I can spend the rest of my life thinking of only the "beautiful, good, praiseworthy" thoughts so that there is none of that mean stuff to come out.

Bless you Lilly, I feel the same way, and worry about the same thing. My mom is in the early stages of dementia too. So far she is very forgetful and a bit confused,but sweet and gentle as a lamb. I don't know if it will always be so, but for now I am grateful. I'll keep YOU in my prayers for a season.

BellasQuilts
October 25th, 2013, 12:23 AM
1. I agree with the scared part - leaving hearth and home to the unknown.
2. Now being cared for by someone I also don't know
3. Losing my "filter" due to illness
4. Pets are very comforting.

My grandmother, at 96, bit, kicked, etc. and was generally just all nasty. If they would have let her have a cat I can guarantee you that would have calmed her down. She grew up with animals as friends, being alone on the farm, and I think that would have been very soothing for her and familiar.

Could you find a service animal in your area to visit? Test it out so to speak.

auntiemern
October 25th, 2013, 01:43 AM
Exactly!!!!!! If you are hateful, back stabbing, lying, and sneaky as a young person, you will be the same when you are an adult. Some people just never outgrow their childish behavior. They feed off of others, that are like them. Be patient with her as you would a child having behavioral issues. As our parents age, they once again will behave like small children. It is just the natural progression of life. I realize she is not your parent, but it really is her age.
We are who we are.. If you are a nasty, spiteful, lying, drama causing teenager and adult you will be that times 10 as a senior citizen. If you are a rational, kind, loving, moral teenager and adult you will be that times 10 as a senior.

All that is blown out the window if you have a degenerative brain disease, have had a stroke or suffered a tragedy you have not recovered from.


Here is an interesting fact. In a nursing home when the wives visit they are the ones who are controlling and sometimes even abusive to their spouses who cannot defend themselves. When the hubby's visit they are doting and loving and it makes no difference how those men were in their younger days. Devoted or abusive they are usually wonderful to their wives who are ill.

That is not a blanket truth but it is a fact for a lot of seniors who one half of a couple in a nursing home.

Bubby
October 25th, 2013, 10:33 AM
My Grandma Nan lived to be almost 91. Her last few months had to be spent in a nursing home. She was always a loving, sweet woman and she was sweet to the bone when she passed away. I agree that you are what you are - except in the cases of brain/mental conditions/diseases. While my Grandma was in the nursing home, the wife of a well-known local minister was also a resident there. This woman had been a paragon of virtue and had loved children and taught Sunday School for 50 years. Sadly she had a condition that caused her to spew out the most vulgar obscenities most of us had ever heard in our lives. She also did this from the time she woke up until she closed her eyes for bed at night...also at top volume. This woman would have been mortified if she knew this was happening to her. Life certainly isn't fair to so many... I pray that God keeps me in my right mind and loveable and loving as I get older.