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View Full Version : Advice needed: Baby gender vs. Brothers wedding



HandsomeRyan
September 6th, 2013, 09:08 AM
This seems like a pretty wise group of people so I thought maybe some of you could share advice or opinions about how to handle a delicate situation.

As some of you know, my wife is "with child". We are so unbelievably excited and because this will be our first.

Here is the problem. We want to do something cute for the "gender reveal" which we will find out in October but my younger brother is getting married literally 2 days after our anatomy appointment. We are excited to tell the world (especially our family) what we are having but we do not want to detract from my brother's special day.

My plan, because we also keep chickens and have plenty of eggs laying around, is to make "gender reveal eggs" which are blown eggs painted with pink and blue paint which you shove tiny little pieces of paper into which say "It's a Boy" or "It's a Girl" and then you give them out sort of like fortune cookies. The recipient breaks the egg open and the gender is revealed. My problem is that while I can quietly give my mom an egg when she arrives but well before the real wedding festivities begin, I will have to mail the one to my in-laws and I can not guarantee it will arrive before the wedding and once I've started telling people there is no real way for me to keep it off facebook which will ruin the surprise for my in-laws. (21st century problems I suppose?!)

So here is my question: How should I handle this? Scrap the big gender reveal and just call my mom and the inlaws after the appointment and tell them? Lie and tell everyone the appointment isn't until the following week and pretend we don't know yet during the wedding? Just not worry that chances are good that my family will end up knowing before hers does and just accept that it wasn't "playing favorites", it just worked out that way?

I am so torn because having my first baby is obviously the biggest event of my entire life but I do not want to step on my little brothers toes on the biggest day of his life either. I'm inclined to just lie and pretend we don't know until after the wedding just to avoid taking away from his special day. I haven't talked to him about it because he is so nice he would probably tell me I should get up and do a toast during the reception or something to make the big reveal. I do _not_ want to overshadow his big day like that. If the family has waited 20 weeks to learn if we're buying sailor suits or frilly dresses I suppose waiting another 4-5 days won't kill them.

What are your thoughts?

Jean Sewing Machine
September 6th, 2013, 09:14 AM
You both should have your big day individually. That probably means you need to plan your reveal after the wedding, and be strong to keep your secret until the next week? I'm not sure how your keep that secret, but good luck on the whole thing! Back in my day, nobody knew until the child was born, so perhaps you should get advice from someone who has expeienced this personally! Good luck!

Monique
September 6th, 2013, 09:15 AM
My thoughts are wait until after the wedding and then you can go all out for the reveal. I never knew what I was having either, Jean.

slamb13
September 6th, 2013, 09:19 AM
I agree, wait until after the wedding day and then do your big reveal. It's only 3 days, surely you and your wife can keep it to yourselves (and OFF Facebook!) that long?!? It will be a special secret between the two of you for a few days, that's fun too! :) CONGRATS!!

Mom23
September 6th, 2013, 09:24 AM
If it were me, I would wait until a few days after the wedding. They have been planning for the wedding for quite some time. Be it right or wrong, the day should be all about them. You still have a few more months before the arrival of your little bundle of joy so there is still time to "reveal".

Lisapc
September 6th, 2013, 10:03 AM
Send the egg to your in-laws with special instructions to let you know as soon as the package arrives. Then get the other egg to your mother right away. That way they will find out at about the same time.

I think it is great to keep the secret for your and your wife for a few days. You could tell us though! Enjoy your secret and keep from stealing any thunder to your kind hearted brother.

pcbatiks
September 6th, 2013, 10:07 AM
I would wait until after the wedding...........it sounds like you and your brother have a great relationship! Congrats to you both!

bdmsmith
September 6th, 2013, 10:16 AM
I would wait until after the wedding as well. You could send your in-laws their package via priority mail and track it so you know what day it will arrive and then tell your family on the same day the inlaws package will arrive ----then no one will feel someone knew before they did since everyone will find out on the exact same day even if it's a few hours difference in time.

I completely understand how delicate situations can be and how feelings get hurt when one part of the family knows something before the other. It's especially difficult if there are divorced and remarried couples because that multiplies the problems. My husband and I have our share of drama individuals on both sides of our families so I know what you're going through trying to keep everything equal for everyone.

dwil23
September 6th, 2013, 10:23 AM
I agree - wait until after the wedding. Could you postpone the appointment for one week - then you don't have to keep it a secret? My son and DIL found out on the Thursday before he graduated with his Masters. They had a party on Sunday and had a cake that was decorated for his graduation, but doubled as a gender reveal cake. They claimed that they would not know - the doctor would write it on a paper in a sealed envelope for them to take to the bakery and they would find out along with everyone else. But, they just couldn't stand it and peeked. They fessed up just before the cake was cut and then asked the grandmas to do the honors. I saw the blue cake and blurted out "Blue" then felt really bad that I didn't let Judy (my DIL mother) see it first.

I say either way, wait until after the wedding and do something with both families together. Will save a lot of hurt feelings.

Lissau
September 6th, 2013, 10:44 AM
lf it was me l'd tell everyone that it's a big secret and that they wont find out until the baby is born...... so its a big surprise.. l cant have kids and its something l've spent my entire life dreaming about and will never happen. if l was in your shoes l'd keep it a secret.............build the excitement for the arrival.. But that's just me

Suzette
September 6th, 2013, 10:49 AM
It's not like you need another thought or opinion on this :icon_bigsmile: but I too would wait until after the wedding. Think of it as a wonderful little secret only you and your wife get to share for a precious few days. That could be so much fun to have just between the two of you for a while. :icon_happy:

Sharyn J
September 6th, 2013, 11:05 AM
I'm going with the majority to keep the secret for a few more days until after the wedding. You both deserve your special day and it will give you a little more time to arrange the details for both moms to hear of the news at the same time. I think you are so considerate of everyone's feelings. You're going to make a great dad! Congratulations.

Cat n bull
September 6th, 2013, 11:09 AM
We have friends recently that had a gender reveal party. We ALL knew the day the ultrasound was, but they kept it to themselves until the party.

So you don't have to lie and say you don't know, just that it will be revealed later.

Can you get your mom and your in-laws together for a gender reveal party?

And I TOTALLY agree with Lisa, you can tell us the INSTANT you find out. We promise to keep it a secret.

quilter.martha
September 6th, 2013, 11:09 AM
I would wait until after the wedding as well. But why a need to lie about the appointment? It would mean a whole lot more to your brother to be honest and say, "we know the sex of the baby, but we're going to wait until after the wedding to announce it so we don't take away from your special day." I think anyone who hears that will agree with you and see you as a loving older brother.

LynneLeavell
September 6th, 2013, 11:17 AM
I would wait until after the wedding as well. Don't tell either set of parents in advance. If they ask just tell them something came up and you had toreschedule the appointment and would find out the next week. Good luck and I hope things go well.

SallyO'Sews
September 6th, 2013, 11:30 AM
Hi, Ryan,
First of all, please tell your folks that I admire them greatly. They have raised two wonderful young men who take joy not only in their own families, but also rejoice so much with one another that each is willing to sacrifice for the other. Kudos to the entire family!

Count me among the "yes, we know, but please let us tell you later so we can concentrate on Lil' Bro" group. That way you don't have to lie, but you also don't have to feel as though you're stealing anyone's thunder. Your family will think you are wonderful for being so considerate, and your new sister-in-law will love you forever. You'll have a couple of days before the wedding for just the two of you to celebrate, right? So you and Mrs. Ryan go ahead and shout and squeal with delight, and start picking out paint and fabric colors. You may even do a cartwheel or two, but please make sure not to knock your sweetie over!

AND YES OF COURSE WE NEED TO KNOW RIGHT AWAY!! :D

HandsomeRyan
September 6th, 2013, 11:41 AM
Mrs. HandsomeRyan is really hoping for a girl. I honestly do not have a preference. I'll be sure to post up once we know what it is.

I think this thread has solidified my resolve to not bring it up until after the wedding. I was already in this camp but my wife was on the fence. I sent her a link to this thread and her response after reading it was,

They are very smart ladies. I was thinking there would be plenty of non wedding related time to kill but I am with you that the last thing I want to do is take away from their special day. We should wait till after for sure.

Thanks all for helping us decide how to handle this delicate situation. If anyone has additional thoughts please continue to post because we are willing to consider all ideas or opinions.

Slamelung
September 6th, 2013, 12:50 PM
Congrats! I don't think you should mention it at all before the wedding or say you have a special reveal planned and they will have to wait. If you say you know at the wedding but you don't want to take the focus off the wedding everyone will be obliged to say oh no go ahead and it will cause an even bigger distraction from the wedding.

bubba
September 6th, 2013, 01:03 PM
I wouldn't even find out what you are having.....I know it's what people do these days, but it is the one true thing you can be surprised about. Paint the nursery yellow and call it a day.

If you think you have to know and want the grandparents to find out at the same time, call them on a conference call and tell them at the exact same time. That way, neither will be left out.

toggpine
September 6th, 2013, 01:32 PM
I'm not the one to ask. I made the whole family mad. I refused to find out before the baby arrived. All of the grand children up that point had been boys, including my husband's first child. I didn't really have much hope for anything but blue and sailor suits, even though my eggs always voted for a girl.
I guess I was more stubborn and won out. Then I had to argue that Wendy Ann was NOT an acceptable name for a girl whose last name is pronounced "rainy".
Good luck to you both, and I'd just not bring it up.

K. McEuen
September 6th, 2013, 01:50 PM
Mrs. HandsomeRyan is really hoping for a girl. I honestly do not have a preference. I'll be sure to post up once we know what it is.

I think this thread has solidified my resolve to not bring it up until after the wedding. I was already in this camp but my wife was on the fence. I sent her a link to this thread and her response after reading it was,


Thanks all for helping us decide how to handle this delicate situation. If anyone has additional thoughts please continue to post because we are willing to consider all ideas or opinions.

How about adding a little twist to your decision? Have the doctor performing the sonogram not say anything to you, but write the results an seal it in an envelope? That way you won't be telling a lie when you say you don't know, because you won't open that envelope until after the wedding!

It's like a big reveal to you and the wife as well!

Mom23
September 6th, 2013, 02:29 PM
What a great idea!

Iris Girl
September 6th, 2013, 03:25 PM
How about adding a little twist to your decision? Have the doctor performing the sonogram not say anything to you, but write the results an seal it in an envelope? That way you won't be telling a lie when you say you don't know, because you won't open that envelope until after the wedding!

It's like a big reveal to you and the wife as well!
Fantastic idea. After the wedding you 2 can have your own reveal party and the break the news to the rest of the family.

Evilynn
September 6th, 2013, 03:45 PM
I'm with Lissau on that one. When I was pregnant we told my doctor to under no circumstances tell me the gender of the kid - I wanted to be surprised, too. It was so exciting for both of us to have no idea if there's a little boy or girl on the way to join us! But of course that's to the taste of the expecting parents. In your case I would make it a secret til the birth - or if you want to have a sort of "gender revealing party" then make it, as you said, 1 week later. You don't need to lie about having the appointment 1 week later, just be honest and say you'll wait out of respect for your brothers big day. :)

easyquilts
September 6th, 2013, 03:57 PM
I agree with most everyone else.... Wait.... I like the idea of simply postponing your appointment. That way, you are guaranteed no leaks...and you brother and his bride will have their big day all to themselves, as it should be.

Sometimes it's tough to deal with family issues, but I don't think this is one of those times.... Just change your appointment day... Then you won't be feeling so conflicted...

Lindagie
September 6th, 2013, 04:43 PM
I'm in the "wait til after the wedding" camp on this one. If you don't think you can keep it secret, then I also think it is a good idea to have the doctor put the info in a sealed envelope for you to open after the wedding as well. I wouldn't even mention it at all; if someone askes, just say you won't know until after the wedding. You really don't want to infringe on the wedding activites, this way you have TWO special days to celebrate!
When my younger son got married, the older son and DIL had just found out that they were pregnant. They did not want to take away from the wedding, so they didn't say a word about it. Since Christmas was only a month away, they gave the inlaws and us a Christmas card to open at the same time; with a copy of the sonagram inside. That is how we found out! It was great all around and each son and DIL had their own special day!

quiltingtrish
September 6th, 2013, 05:25 PM
Why find out? You will save money from having a party - put it towards diapers which you will need lots of.
I didn't want to know with any of my 3 children - had 2 boys and then a girl. Our daughter was the biggest surprise because first I told Him that if He thought I could handle 3 boys, I would have a boy the third time. The doctor told us that it was a 15% chance of having a girl after having 2 boys, and also a 15% chance of having her on her due-date. Well - she was not only a girl, but was also born on her due date. You talk about a surprise!! We even have the doctor on video with his surprise reaction when she was born.

We took a boys name and a girls name to the hospital each time we went. I remember when our 2nd son was born and my husband was at the door to take me when I went in to labor and I yelled at him that I couldn't go because we didn't have a middle name that went along with Andrew yet. (He looked up to the sky and saw the Orion constellation and Orion was chosen.

I do agree that IF you do find out ahead of time - the conference call is a great idea so both sets of grandparents find out at the same time.

But I still say that is 1 thing that can be a total surprise in life - it makes carrying that child for 9 months and the work of getting them out in to the world all the more worth it.

Hugs,

Ginny B
September 6th, 2013, 09:28 PM
If it was me I would wait until after the wedding. This way the happy couple is the center of attention as it should be and you can figure out how to reveal to your families at the same time. You and your wife can have a few special days with the knowledge or, you can maybe ask the doctor not to actually tell you after they do whatever it is they do (I am from the days of the waiting until the baby made his/her appearance and hearing the dr. exclaim "It's a (insert gender here)" LOL). Then you can find out after the wedding too.

ilive2craft2
September 6th, 2013, 09:40 PM
I am in the camp of waiting until after the wedding too. If you are afraid you will slip, change the appt by a week.

I didn't want to know what we were having, and had made my feelings clear, but when we were at the sonogram, the tech said he could tell and wanted to know if we wanted to know. At the same time I said NO and my hubby and mom both said YES. I gave in, which I am glad I did, I thought we were having a girl, but he was a boy. Gave me some time to re-adjust my thinking. :)

You are so sweet to think about this ahead of time. We found out my sister was expecting her 2nd on Mother's day - her then 18 month old came out on the deck in a "I'm gonna be a big brother t-shirt" before going down for a nap.