View Full Version : Funnies

February 8th, 2011, 12:53 PM
I thought we could have a thread here just for some jokes and light things. If I don't get a giggle or good squeal each day, it is a really bad day. Here is an oldie goldie but it still is cute.

A frog goes into a bank and
approaches the teller. He
can see from her nameplate
that her name is Patricia

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get
a $30,000 loan to take a

Patty looks at the frog in
disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is
Kermit Jagger, his dad is
Mick Jagger, and that it's
okay, he knows the bank

Patty explains that he will
need to secure the loan with
some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have
this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an
inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains
that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and
says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants
to borrow $30,000, and he
wants to use this as

She holds up the tiny pink
elephant. "I mean, what in
the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back
at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty
Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling

(You're singing it, aren't you?
Yeah, I know you are..)

Never take life too seriously!
Come on now, you grinned, I
know you did!


February 8th, 2011, 12:54 PM
Tooooo cute!!!

February 8th, 2011, 03:29 PM
I had heard that before, but missing the Kermit Jagger section. That makes it even better! Thanks Blondie!

February 8th, 2011, 06:32 PM
ok not giggling I'm laughing in my office at work and everyone is looking at me as they walk down the hallway. I needed that today. Thanks.


February 8th, 2011, 06:39 PM
Too funny Blondie!


February 8th, 2011, 07:54 PM
ok not giggling I'm laughing in my office at work and everyone is looking at me as they walk down the hallway. I needed that today. Thanks.


Now we all know what you do in your down time! hehehe.

February 8th, 2011, 10:01 PM
Thanks , I really needed a smile.

February 8th, 2011, 10:33 PM
That was cute Blondie, How is everyones day going? Mine was frigid. It's-4 degrees with the windchill. It was only 4 degrees to begin with. Brr. Our plow guy couldn't make it today so my little quilting and knitting group couldn't come out cause they would get stuck in the snow. Maybe it's just as well as it is so cold. So I mopped my floor for no good reason! LOL Just kidding it needed it anyway. I see Sally is back from her vacation.
I'm glad she missed the 33 state snowstorm. Love to you all, Jan L

February 8th, 2011, 11:28 PM
:lol::lol: Thanks Blondie :lol::lol: Needed that one.

Sandy Navas
February 9th, 2011, 12:16 AM
Inside every older lady is a younger lady - wondering what the hell happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-

February 9th, 2011, 03:30 AM
Funny Sandy. Love the quotes. And so true too! Hugs, Jan L :icon_heh:

February 9th, 2011, 07:50 AM

That's my story and I'm sticking to it! Now Jan you know that's what I look like in the morning!

Sandy Navas
February 9th, 2011, 10:36 AM
Blondie, somehow our pictures got switched or something -- that looks about like me.

Sandy Navas
February 10th, 2011, 12:35 AM

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

February 10th, 2011, 08:40 AM

Thanks Sandy, not only is it pleasant to share a cup of coffee with you in the a.m., you are not only sharing funnies but making me think and re read a few. LOL. Love it.

February 10th, 2011, 11:20 AM
Thanks, Sandy, for the chuckles!

February 10th, 2011, 11:48 AM
Two Plastic Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto
the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
the Golf course.

On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the
fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I
thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him,
grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Sandy Navas
February 10th, 2011, 12:30 PM
Love the golfing stories.

True one . . . Was out golfing with three nursing friends. One teed off and hit the ball perfectly - right onto the green ahead where three men were finishing up. One of the guys immediately grabbed his groin and fell to the ground writhing in pain. My friend rushed ahead because she felt so terrible for hitting him. She assured him she knew what she was doing and began massaging his groin area. After a couple minutes she asked him if it felt better and he assured her it felt great. "But," he revealed, "it was my THUMB that got hit."

Not really a true story . . . :lol::lol::lol:

February 10th, 2011, 05:23 PM
Oh my goodness Shauna and Sandy! I needed that belly laugh. Thank you!
Gotta love some Maxine:


February 10th, 2011, 06:18 PM
OMG!!!!! :lol:lol::lol::lol::lol::D:D
What did Sandy say about depends a thread or so back????? :lol::lol
Blondie you find the funniest things OMG!!! :lol:

Thanks for the good times!!!!!
Bless your little pea pickin heart!!!!
Jan G :icon_wave:

February 10th, 2011, 08:13 PM
You guys are a riot. Love the things you wrote. Hugs, Jan

Sandy Navas
February 10th, 2011, 09:43 PM
- You Know You're a Mother When ...

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your kid throws-up and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

As you cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything".

February 11th, 2011, 08:41 AM

So this is what it means to be the early bird?

February 11th, 2011, 02:55 PM
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

A place where women curl up and dye.

The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Cold Storage.

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

An insect that makes you like flies better.

Grape with a sunburn.

Something you tell to one person at a time.

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

The pain that drives you to extraction.

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

An honest opinion openly expressed.

Something other people have....similar to my character lines.


I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"

And that is the definition of 'OLD' !!!

February 11th, 2011, 04:24 PM
Sandy, Blondie and Pat - THANK YOU for the chuckles. Needed them today!

February 11th, 2011, 05:03 PM

February 11th, 2011, 07:53 PM
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.

Well Pat, that's my story and I'm sticking to it! Those were fantastic!

Sandy Navas
February 11th, 2011, 10:48 PM
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"

My favorite!:D:D:D

Sandy Navas
February 12th, 2011, 09:33 AM
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says:

'I love liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'

'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.

'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua . He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

(ok this is good)

Liver alone..... Cheese mine

February 13th, 2011, 02:30 PM

Liver alone ~ cheese mine?! too cute.

Here is one that puzzles me. Why is watching someone fall down so dang funny?


Always blessed,

Blessed are those who can give without remembering & take without forgetting

February 14th, 2011, 07:57 AM

This is generally my statement by the end of the day on Fridays . . .

February 16th, 2011, 08:08 AM
Need a giggle?


and how about this one?


February 16th, 2011, 08:12 PM
There was a group of ladies in a restaurant (probably from MSQC ) when a very handsome, well dressed, muscular man walked in.

One of the ladies (probably Natalie ) could not take her eyes of him.

Noticing her bug eyed stare, he sauntered over to the group, whispered to the one staring,
"I will do ANYTHING for you. Just let me know what you need. BUT you have to let me know in only 3 words."

Without blinking her eyes, she responded

Sandy Navas
February 16th, 2011, 09:05 PM
I resemble that remark!!

February 19th, 2011, 07:40 PM

Ain't love grand?