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Suzyq
December 19th, 2012, 04:06 PM
Not sure what to do here, woe is me! Every year I send my nephews cheques for Xmas and never get a thank you... Sometimes I get an acknowledgement from my SIL that they rec'd them. The Boys are 22 and 19 and still live at home which is ok but not,the issue. Any ideas on how to,deal with this? I send money mainly for my brother's sake and not doing it would make him feel badly. Is,there a way to deal with this perhaps using humour but getting my message across? I cancelled Facebook so don't communicate with them this way. The direct way would only make SIL b..chy.... SOS

madampolo
December 19th, 2012, 04:10 PM
We have a 16 year old nephew who does the same thing - no acknowledgement much less a thank you. His whole family is like that, and I think there can be no excuse for it. I don't think they will change. I think you have to be the one to change, and just stop sending them a gift of any sort.

shannonsaulter
December 19th, 2012, 04:11 PM
I wouldnt sdend anything this year and see if they ? you...they are at the age to know better..shame on your SIL for not having them at least drop a line of thanks...maybe if Santa sends them some coal they will get it! Or include a lil note saying last check since it doesnt seem appreciated and only send them $1.00
Sorry if its harsh but rudeness doesnt get rewarded with me..ask my girls..lol

Suzyq
December 19th, 2012, 04:15 PM
Thanks for,the speedy replies... . Well I've sent them already this year, but you know you're right, I think that's it! Their bdays are coming up soon so I think I'll send cards and so be it... I,think they think since I'm retired with a gov't pension, it's no skin offmy extra wide buttocks to send money !! Thanks for being there for me, I've been torn between what to do....you've given me the strength to stand up....happy Wednesday!

bkthomas
December 19th, 2012, 04:16 PM
I guess this depends a lot on other things like - do you have kids that they always send gifts to also - and do they send Thank You's?
Why would not sending a gift make your brother feel bad? More questions than answers - I guess I'm not much help! (delete)

Suzyq
December 19th, 2012, 04:27 PM
No Kathy to both questions....yes you are a big help with your questions, you got me thinking, hey yeah maybe Kathy's right!

bkthomas
December 19th, 2012, 04:33 PM
Oooh, hope I don't get a big head!

bakermom
December 19th, 2012, 04:44 PM
In my family my brother/SIL stopped my kids gifts at age 10, my sister/BIL continued giving untl my kids were 18. I did the same with theirs. since we usually saw each other for Xmas a verbal"thank you" was all that was expected. Now if the kids received a gift in the mail they were expected to write a TY.
i see nothing wrong with you letting the family know that you are stopping gifts. No need to give an explanation, just that you feel it's time to stop. IMO it's a bit late in the game for this year, but let them know this will be the last so there's no hard feelings.

buckeyequilter
December 19th, 2012, 04:46 PM
I guess this depends a lot on other things like - do you have kids that they always send gifts to also - and do they send Thank You's?
Why would not sending a gift make your brother feel bad? More questions than answers - I guess I'm not much help! (delete)


No Kathy to both questions....yes you are a big help with your questions, you got me thinking, hey yeah maybe Kathy's right!

I don't think you should feel bad...after all they are adults now. My daughter is an adult and lives with us and I sure do not expect my brothers and sisters to send her gifts, they have their own families to take care of. No one should get upset because their adult children do not receive gifts from aunts, uncles, cousins etc.

EsGrandma
December 19th, 2012, 05:06 PM
I stopped sending my nephews $ when they were 16 - never got a thank you and I wondered if they would notice = they did and this gave me a chance to explain about sending thank you notes!

K. McEuen
December 19th, 2012, 05:08 PM
I agree with most that the "kids" are too old to still be receiving gifts, and that they are old enough to at least pick up the phone and say thanks since they can't write a card. As for making your brother feel bad, he'll get over it. I told my brother when my daughter was about 12 that I was done buying gifts for his kids, since they kept having them. I spent way too much money buying 4 gifts for his kids and my daughter got a cheap purse three years in a row from them. I decided to spend on my child rather than everyone else's.

grannyann
December 19th, 2012, 05:35 PM
I agree with all the above. Time to cut them off. Buy your self something nice just because you were so nice to them.
I would cut them all off and take care of your own needs.I am sure they are not going with out a thing.Wishing you a very Merry Christmas.

Lisapc
December 19th, 2012, 05:47 PM
We never received gifts from Aunts and Uncles except one Aunt who only had one child. I come from a family of 9, 6 boys and 3 girls. Between the siblings when you have a child your gift getting days are over. It becomes about the kids. If you are single expect a gift but something thoughtful and $25. or less. I have one brother who is single and comfortable and always buys great gifts for all of us and the kids so we spend $100 on him. I digress.

When each of my nieces and nephews started working it didn't really matter what age. Some 15 some when they hit college but when they started working if they did not buy gifts for anyone then they stopped getting them. That is just what has naturally happened with my family. I am proud to say that my daughter and her daughter still get gifts from most of her uncles. My sisters stopped buying for her years before she started working. Yes those are the sisters with money.

No guilt, no more gifts!

MayinJerset
December 19th, 2012, 06:02 PM
Suzy - I have to ask you - do your brother's sons give you a gift at Christmas? After all they are adults and should be giving gifts instead of just taking gifts without thanking anyone for them.

My girlfriend and I were just discussing this subject yesterday. She feels since her brother always gives her young grandkids generous gifts at Christmas that she should do the same for his adult grandkids who work and have great paying jobs. She sends them checks and one of them never cashes the checks but just piles them up in her desk drawer. Told girlfriends that's crazy.

My sons were taught to always say thank you for gifts but somehow all of their children don't do it, and their kids aren't little kids but adults. Some never cash their checks, so I've told them if they do that one more time I'll know that they really don't need or want a birthday check from me so from now on they'll receive only a bday card. Two of my DIL's don't cash their check either so same goes for them.

Winniesfriend
December 19th, 2012, 06:12 PM
Another idea... make a donation to a charity on their behalf, send them a card letting them know, they wont have been forgotten, and sone one who really needs the money will be better off.

Now that the children in our families are older and have spouses, girlfriends etc we have started doing a Kris Kringle, every one buys one present, the names are drawn out of a hat in November and a name given to each person participating and a cost set, it saves lots of money trying to find small presents for every one and each person received a nice gift ....... we still spoil the grandkids of course Kris Kringle is just for the older independent family members.

toggpine
December 19th, 2012, 06:22 PM
My step-son wouldn't write Thank You's either. I told my family to stop giving him gifts. The next year was pretty skinny under the tree for him.
I make my 6 year-old write them. (Ruby & Don,I have yours here. My fault not hers!) When she was really young I would take a photo of her enjoying the gift and send that with my written TY. Even the youngest can draw a picture and eventually write their name.
We just had a talk about saying "Thank You", even if the gift you received wasn't something you like. It is interesting when you have to explain something like that to a little one. You are saying "Thank you for caring about me and for thinking of me." Not necessarily "Thank you for a really great present."
If you are "gifted" in person then a verbal "Thank You" should work, if you get it in the mail, a call or a written note is appropriate. Maybe if we were all a little better about being thankful and saying so....

Loonwatcher
December 19th, 2012, 09:07 PM
One year I included some note cards. And the recipient said "what are these for, thank you's?" I said they would work for those. Still never got thank you's. some people just aren't taught right when they are young and then they never learn.

a1angiem
December 19th, 2012, 09:44 PM
All great replies! I have to put my 2 cents in: my kids are ALWAYS expected to send a thank you to grandma & granny for gifts they are given. My mother complains that her other grandchildren do not. I say not to send the cheques and she will surely hear from them! Really, she has no one to blame but herself if she doesn't like it because she continues to mail the cheques! I quit giving presents to my nieces and nephews because I could never give them anything they wanted or needed or couldn't buy themselves with all their money! And after a while there were just too many of them and since we do not live close, I would have no idea what they were 'in to' or already had. But I bake their favourite treats and have given quilts to the ones who are interested. Now, we do a funny santa swap for $5 or less and it is very fun - silly gifts or re-gifts and it's a lot of laughing! I have enough expense, stress and trouble buying for my own immediate family. by the way, i LOVE the idea about giving to charity in their names so they are not 'forgotten' but learn a lesson about giving!!!! Great idea, Leonie!

aliaslaceygreen
December 19th, 2012, 10:00 PM
I will tell you what. My cousin has two boys, 15, and just 13 on Monday. I have unfailingly sent gifts, and then as they got older, gift cards, for Christmas, and for the 13 YO birthday, as he is my godson. I have never received a thank you---not a text, a call, a note, or popping up on FB.....I have complained to their grandmother, my aunt, whom I KNOW raised my cousin to know better.

Monday I went to the PO and mailed my aunt her gift. Just her. To her home, even though I normally sent the gift for her in the same box as the boys (and a small something for my cousin and husband).

I'm done. No one is THAT busy. A few years back, I emailed the cousin for her complete, new street address, as I knew that I would be sending cards and gifts. Emailed. The question wasn't difficult. It didn't need research. WHERE do you LIVE? Two seconds longer than it takes to hit delete or save email and she could have told me, but she was SO BUSY....

Tough love? You bet.

twnkeyes
December 19th, 2012, 10:19 PM
Suzyq, I too, try to diffuse sticky situations with humor. I'd probably send them another check this year with a note that says something to the effect of" I realized you are not the cute little, cheek pinching nephews of long ago but now big hairy adult men so this would be the last year of aunt Suzy sending a check for Christmas. I hope you understand but I will need the money for my "old" age ;) " And I'd leave it at that.

Musical_Starling
December 19th, 2012, 10:36 PM
My parents' rule has been that neices and nephews get gifts until they get kids of their own, then the kids get the gifts. But after an argument among the brothers and sisters, they stopped giving to my sisters and I so my parents stopped giving to their kids. They still exchange gifts among themselves, but I only get a gift from my Mom's only sibling and his wife and one of my Dad's brothers (his wife is my Godmother). DH and I also receive a gift from one of his aunts, and all get a sincere thank you. They are free after all :)

K. McEuen
December 19th, 2012, 10:49 PM
You know, thinking back, we (my sisters and brothers) never got Christmas or birthday gifts from our aunts and uncles, with the exception of twice I got a small gift from one aunt, who was my godmother. If you give to extended family and it keeps growing, no one ends up getting much because of the cost. I don't think any of us felt slighted by not getting gifts.

Hulamoon
December 20th, 2012, 02:35 AM
I'm a little over it too. I taught my kids to write thank yous, sometimes they followed through. My side of the family sent stuff all the time.

Two of my daughters (one a step that I alway's get something for I'm not doing) can't even think to buy me a gift most times.This year, my own is getting just one. She's living with her boyfriend so I got them a frozen dessert maker. You put frozen fruit in it to make healthy desserts. It was still $50! The one that lives with me is very thoughtful so I will get a few things.

I was one of those mom's that bought to much. Any new mom's out there, don't do that, even with your grand kids. Mine are only getting one each this year too.

pcbatiks
December 20th, 2012, 03:03 AM
Suzy............I say if your nephew's can't be bothered to pick up the phone and "Thanks I appreciate it" then it's time to stop. They are big boys now and they will get over it along with the rest of the family. If you here from them when they don't get a gift.......tell them you didn't think they ever noticed before.....so why are they noticing it now! As someone else suggested.....if you feel that you need to do something put the money towards helping those less fortunate.

Hulamoon
December 20th, 2012, 03:22 AM
As someone else suggested.....if you feel that you need to do something put the money towards helping those less fortunate.

Yeah, buy some fabric to make the pillow cases from the other thread for the kids. It will make you feel better. Send them a note that you made them in thier name. Then they will wake up.

Momofmonsters5
December 20th, 2012, 04:32 AM
I always have our kids call my parents, they are the only ones that send our kids anything. Or like yesterday I emailed my mom a picture of our daughters birthday. (issues with our phone bill here so not calling the states til it's straightened out). I haven't made our kids send thank you cards this is making me think I should. Thanks for the thread!

GuitarGramma
December 20th, 2012, 01:06 PM
I have a little different take on this question. It has to do with the nature of gifts. Do we give gifts to be generous or to be thanked? If we don't get a "thank you" are we worried they didn't receive the gift, or upset that we're not appreciated? Did we give the gift because we love the recipient or because of family obligations? These are all important questions to ask ourselves.

If you find you'd still like to send your nephews checks, be direct even if it will make your SIL cranky. Send your nephews checks in envelopes addressed directly to each of them, and include a note about how you love them AND how important receiving a "thank you" eMail is to you (paper notes may be too much to ask their generation). Be apologetic in tone, as if this is some personal quirk on your part. If you then don't hear "thank you," I think you can presume you need not send any future checks.

You are a kind and gracious aunt to still send checks to adult nephews!

Cathy F
December 20th, 2012, 01:18 PM
If you are in a position financially I'd give a gift to your favorite charity in their name. My sister started this with her own children, as we get older we don't need or want as many things so she has asked all her children not to buy her any gifts but to make a donation to one of her favorite charities or physically go and offer your time at one and tell her about the experience.

Her daughter-in-law last year took her toddler daughter to the local pet shelter where they donated bags of food and took pictures of her with the animals, she was very proud to show her pictures of accomplishment to grandma and is learning the importance of what giving is all about.

CountryHut
December 20th, 2012, 01:44 PM
- my Grandmother - use to give "every" grandchild homemade cookies -- they were the best ever - we always looked forward to Grandma Christmas cookies -- then later in years -- the cookie baking got to much for her -- so she gave 'every' grandchild and great grandchild and great great grandchild a Christmas card with a 1 dollar bill . . we sure miss those days --
- it's always been known and mentioned months before the big Santa day -- that once a child turns 18 or leaves home --
no more Birthday or Christmas gifts . . I might send them a card or something - especially if something special has happened in
their life . .

now - my grandbabies (the ones that live close by) -- look forward to belgium waffles on Christmas morning before they
open their gifts :)


Diane :)
*me thinks it's time for some lunch*~

auntiemern
December 20th, 2012, 02:16 PM
I have to kinda agree with Guitar Gramma on this one. You should do some soul searching, as to why you give the gifts Than you need to realize that thank you notes just aren't as given as much as they used to be. Personally whether it is Christmas or any other time. I give freely from my heart to those I give to and don't expect anything in return. But that being said, Once 'kid's reach a certain age, they no longer need to be gifted for every little thing, including
Christmas.

K. McEuen
December 20th, 2012, 02:33 PM
As much as my sister in law irritates me, I have to give her credit for teaching her kids about thank you notes. They have always written them. My favorite was from my nephew that wrote and thanked me for the graduation money I slipped him when they were leaving after their visit here and for "letting them stay in my driveway." My brother was towing their pop up trailer and we had them set it up in the driveway because it's level and away from traffic.

Suzyq
December 29th, 2012, 10:08 AM
Many thanks everyone, you were certainly a big help as was feeling down when i started this thread... I owe you all big Huggies...you mde me rethink why I do things and maybe I should have a different perspective.. Am feeling much better now....I think my sister in law who made excuses for my nephews felt badly as she's sending me a care package of her home baked cookies... Yum!
Ah well, glad Christmas is over, but it turned out wonderful in the end, shared with our best friends... ;) xx

buckeyequilter
December 29th, 2012, 10:21 AM
Many thanks everyone, you were certainly a big help as was feeling down when i started this thread... I owe you all big Huggies...you mde me rethink why I do things and maybe I should have a different perspective.. Am feeling much better now....I think my sister in law who made excuses for my nephews felt badly as she's sending me a care package of her home baked cookies... Yum!
Ah well, glad Christmas is over, but it turned out wonderful in the end, shared with our best friends... ;) xx

I'm glad everything worked out for you and you had a nice Christmas.

DCM
December 29th, 2012, 10:21 AM
My brother and I were always taught as kids that we couldn't wear it, use it, spend it until we'd written a thank you note. My mom explained when we were really little that the person who gave us the gift spent time choosing it or earning the money to send the check and the least we could do was take 2 minutes to write a sincere thank you. My husband, son and I still write thank yous to this day. My mom stopped sending to some relatives when they didn't have the consideration to recognize the gift -- as she said, in this day and age of electronic communication, while a written thank you is really great, she'd be more than satisfied with an email or there are many free ecards available these days. I'd stop sending to those who aren't considerate enough to acknowledge a gift.