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View Full Version : Argument with my daughter...making me very sad.



Gayle8675309
October 8th, 2012, 11:37 AM
Who knew 22 was such a tough age? Not me. :(

Daughter called last week when I was sick with a cold...sort of out of it on cold meds. We talked for a bit, and then I told her that I had to go, as I wasn't feeling well...she hung up on me!!! So I called her back (I know, I shouldn't have) and told her to NEVER hang up on me again, that I am her MOTHER and therefore deserve respect. She said fine and hung up again. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Fast forward to last night...she started railing at me again about how terrible it was that I wanted to get off of the phone just because I had the "sniffles". I got mad, told her not to talk to me like that, as I am her MOTHER and deserve respect. She disagreed.

Suffice it to say, she and I are no longer talking. I feel like I'm slipping back into my depression again, and it scares me...it scares the HELL out of me.

Gosh, if I would have EVER talked to my mother the way my daughter talks to me she would have slapped me into next week. What ever happened to respecting your elders?

I'm so sad about this. Heavy sigh. :(

Gayle

lilmouse
October 8th, 2012, 11:51 AM
I am sorry to hear about this.....keeping you in prayer....keep yourself busy and keep up with your normal routine...she'll eventually get over it! Sending you hugs!

rebeccas-sewing
October 8th, 2012, 11:58 AM
Gayle, I often wonder how that happens too? I was too afraid of the consequences if I spoke disrespectfully to my parents. I went through some verbal abuse from my older daughter when she was in her teens. When I finally let go of the reins, stopped being judgmental and realized that trying to control her got me nowhere things began to improve. Also, I try really hard to keep my opinions to myself unless asked. I discovered that if I treat my girls the way I treat other adults life is much better. If we step back and look at things objectively we can often understand why our loved-ones are angry with us. However, there is never a good excuse for being disrespectful to your parents or to anyone else for that matter. We say things like "I'm your mother. You need to respect me!" Well, we need to respect not just our parents but all those with whom we come in contact. The trick is to figure out how to avoid the upsets so you don't end up stressed and depressed. I hope you get it resolved.

promqueen
October 8th, 2012, 12:10 PM
Gayle - I went through this with my daughter too! Someone told me to first take care of myself. After all you are dealing with depression and there will be many things that happen to bring it out. I agree with lilmouse and go on, keep busy.etc. She knows what she did was wrong and will come around eventually. Always praying for ya........

bakermom
October 8th, 2012, 12:13 PM
sorry you are going thru this.

I think Rebecca makes some good points though. Not to pick on you-I have 4 DDs myself and i know it can be touchy at times.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is step back and say nothing(but be there when they fall). I try to treat my kids as adults/equals. I don't play the mom card. I think thats why we get along(my in-law kids, too). we don't always agree but we do treat each other with respect.

p.s.I too, would still be picking myself up if i had talked like that!

alliek
October 8th, 2012, 12:17 PM
Gayle, This too will pass, so many of us have been through it. You are right in that she was disrespectful,hanging up on you. At 22 she is young and sees only herself. Will keep you in prayer, so many parents experience the same things raising kids (and so will your daughter if she marries and has children!). You are not alone in this, nor is it "the end". Hang in, hang on. Hugs ((((((())))))

quiltingtrish
October 8th, 2012, 12:35 PM
Gayle - my HUGS and prayers are with you. I, too, as many of you know - have gone through and am still going through things with my daughter. And now, yesterday, she got mad at a coworker and quit her job! Of course the other gal that is living with us quit her job at the farm too (a month now), so I hope they figure out REAL FAST where their next job is going to be cause they have car payments and insurance to pay for not mentioning the gas they are using. Ooooh my - got off on a rant here.
I truly think that all the new technology stuff and tv shows that have come out the past 20 years or so has ALOT to do with the disrespect these kids are getting away with. Everything is all about them - everyday, every minute, every aspect of their little lives. I would have been slapped down to the next town and back if I disrespected my parents the way these kids of today are. I do not think we have to keep our mouths shut and be their friend - there still has to be some kind of understanding of who the kid is and who the parent is. I don't care what day and age we are living in.
I do pick my battles - it is hard to decide what to pick about - but I don't keep my mouth shut. My kids know that we will always be there for them, but they also know they can not walk all over us.
As for hanging up on you - you have every right to tell her what you did.
I have prayers for you as I know how our hearts literally HURT when we think of how they can hurt us with their words and actions. I hope you have someone you can talk to other than just us here on the forum to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That was my problem, I thought I was the worst parent in the world, the worst mother, when I knew in my heart that I had taught my kids the right morals and that someday they would turn out all right. But it took a leap of faith and put it out there when I heard from so many other mothers that are and have gone through the same thing!! We are all in this together Gayle and my heart hurts along with yours.

Hugs,

K. McEuen
October 8th, 2012, 12:39 PM
Sorry, but I'm going to stand up for the daughter. If you didn't feel well enough to be on the phone, calling her back just to chide her for hanging up went against "I don;t feel well enough to be on the phone." It sounds like she lives on her own, basically being an adult, but you aren't really treating her like one.

mommadeb
October 8th, 2012, 01:25 PM
I understand how you feel. I have three daughters about that age. If they need it, I speak my mind and then bite my tongue and let them chill and rethink. Hang in there.

Gayle8675309
October 8th, 2012, 01:34 PM
Thank you all for the great support. :)

Gayle

mommadeb
October 8th, 2012, 01:39 PM
Thank you all for the great support. :)

Gayle

It will get better Gayle. Be strong.

shannonsaulter
October 8th, 2012, 01:52 PM
Gayle,
hang in their we all have disagreements with our kids at times...time will bring you two back..She may have been having a problem and just needed your ear...that may be why she said you had the sniffles..give her some space...keep busy and then just call and check on her...keeping you in my thoughts.

Margok
October 8th, 2012, 04:04 PM
Please use some preventative planning. Perhaps when you are not well you could turn off the phone while you rest so that you can be undisturbed. I know my daughter does this everyday. She needs daily rest to restore her energies if possible. Sounds like you would help yourself if you don't know the phone is ringing! The person will try again later for sure if their call is important. Perhaps you will find a way to to set health conscious limits. It is hard as you have given so many years to caring for people, but now, how about you?

bkthomas
October 8th, 2012, 04:53 PM
When my daughter was 18 - we were in the grocery store and she asked for a candy bar, I said no and she kicked me in the shin!
Fast forward a couple years, I wanted her to get a job and help me with the rent ( Bill died in '97) instead she left me, moved in with her boyfriend and married him. I gave her the best wedding I could and left for Texas the next day. She treats me a lot different now and will not let me go!
It isn't easy, but ignore her sometimes and see what happens......and you have my understanding and sympathy.

Meli
October 8th, 2012, 06:40 PM
Oh, Gayle, I'm so sorry. I hope you and your daighter will be able to patch things up soon. It is always so hard when a loved one is upset with us and not speaking. Keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.

pcbatiks
October 8th, 2012, 08:38 PM
Gayle, Give her a little time and maybe just call to say hello and not mention the argument. I'm learning that is does help to stay busy or spent time around others that will help keep you occupied when you're worried about the kids.

BellasQuilts
October 8th, 2012, 10:29 PM
Yep, we've all been through it. DD#2 at 17 sassed me once and I told her, "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out" then I didn't say another word to her. Next morning she came around and apologized. They all get sassy every once in awhile. I sass her back now and threaten to spoil her son. hahahaha

meemeecyn
October 9th, 2012, 12:01 AM
Gayle, there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for yourself. That is how we can take care of ourselves. We, as women and mothers, are used to giving to. Sometimes give double messages, too. She may have been hurt if you have never expressed your needs. That hurt can come out as anger. Then confusion when you called her back after not feeling well enough to talk on the phone, even though you were trying to express how you felt by her hanging up. Human relations are tough.....but especially between mother-daughter. Hang in there, love will set everything right.

Musical_Starling
October 9th, 2012, 12:21 AM
As others have said, this too will pass :) I've actually seen almost this EXACT argument between The Giant and MIL, she'll say "I'm tired, I need to go lay down" or something along those lines, and he'll tell her that he feels like he never gets to talk to her anymore (they also live on the other side of the country, with a 3.5hr time difference) and it starts a whole "Well I'm sorry I'm tired, I have to go" and they both tend to butt heads over it. But usually when it happens it's because he really wants to talk to her about something serious that he's still beating around the bush about and she thinks it's just a normal "check-in" call and doesn't realize that he wants to talk. Maybe this may have been the case with your daughter as well? Either way, it's really upsetting when these "misunderstandings" happen, but everyone is usually forgiven in due time :) So take a deep breath, tomorrow is another day! And if it helps, I was her age only 4 years ago and was a snot sometimes too lol But now I'm thankful for my Mom every day and can't remember the last time we butted heads :D

nurrsey
October 9th, 2012, 01:35 AM
Gayle....I feel for you, I have 25 and 18 yo girls....most of the time I am afraid to say anything to them for fear they will jump down my throat. Easier said than done but hang in there!!!

auntiemern
October 9th, 2012, 09:08 PM
been there, done that. And she always gets over it. Think you both just need a cooling off period. I would not have ever called her back after the initial hang up. You were both angry, and should have waited for cooler heads to prevail. IMHO