I am so grateful ....

Ladies & Gents, I just want to tell all of you how grateful I am for this site. I start each day with checking the current morning's thread ( usually started by blondie...smile). These post always start my day off with a smile. Honestly I've needed them especially this week. I rarely post ...... I usually lurk in the background. Please forgive me this rant. My family is pulling me in every direction this week and I'm feeling the struggle. My Dad is disabled and in very poor health, his wife....... is the most ungrateful person I've ever encountered. I pay for all Dad's meds, have even paid for her meds at times, I gave them a car when their's died ( which she has been driving for 2 years), I take bread, groceries, Paper towels, toilet paper.......basic items beyond their limited budget. Well I got a call from Step Monster at work Wed. night asking me to bring her cigarettes and Dr. Pepper when I got off. I must had I drive 25 miles home from work and a trip to Dad's is another 24 round trip. My response was a nicely said" i work 10 hour shifts, with traveling time I'm gone 11 hours, I'm simply too tired. Off course she also expected me to pay for this. I went to take meds to dad today, and she was ice cold. My response was this: I am helping my neice who is going through a divorce, My daughter who is unemployed, my best friend who is disabled and whose husband is out of work, if I have to choose between helping you with cigs and sodas, or helping someone eat, then I choose feeding someone. To make matters worse I had to recently buy a new vehicle because mine is worn out, drove it 3 weeks and it's in the shop, & been there 3 weeks. I didn't like paying a car payment for a car
I can't drive nor having to buy one because my spare was given to them. I promise all of you I did this for my Dad, but have tried to have a loving spirit with her but it is impossible. I work ten hour days as a pharmacy tec, I must add as the only technician. My husband who has had 2 heart attacks works 7 days a week, and has only been off 2 weekends since January first, and this woman demands such things. My husbands company closed in 2007 and he went back to school, he was out of work until a year ago. Jobs are almost impossible to find here. We have had hard times and I have never asked anything of anyone..... someone please tell me how to get this sucker sign off my forehead, and how not to feel so bad for having to tell people NO.All prayers are appreciated. Please keep the wonderful post coming.

Feeling very used and abused dizzyLiz

I am glad you are able to rant here and I am sorry you are having such a tough week...hope it goes better for you and it is all right to say no to cigarettes and soda.....those are luxury items...(and I am a smoker) but I work to pay for my bad habit and would never expect someone else to pay for that! I will keep you in my prayers and am sending you a big hug...((((((hugs)))))))

Will keep you in my prayers. I do not think you are a sucker, you are simply doing what your heart tells you to. Your 'step monster,' on the other hand needs a hard dose of reality, which you gave her, by not bowing down to her. If it makes her mad, to bad. Just because she is married to your Dad, does not give her the right to use and abuse you. Does she work? Does she do anything to help them out? If not, then don't feel guilty over it. If she has your old car, then she could have just ran to the store herself and got what she wanted. I live by a very simple creed. I will basically, help, literally anyone, but they have to be willing to help them selves first. I am neither a bank, nor a charity. You have a lot on your plate, and don't need the added stress of dealing with her. Be polite for your Dad's sake, but DO NOT let her run rough shod over you, or make you feel guilty. She obviously takes you for granted, and that is something else I will not let any one do to me. To some people I am the 'B' word. Don't really care what others think of me. Those who know me, love me in spite of myself. So first and foremost "to thine own self be true". If you do do that, then, and only then can you be happy with yourself. Hope this helped a little bit.

You definitely have a lot on your plate...why is it that the one that does the most is the one asked more of? I could never say no for a lot of years...I sympathize with you and say hang in there...maybe your Dad's wife will get the hint...you can only do so much...it sounds like you have done a lot already...my prayers are going out to you...hugs, Carol

Liz, there are 2 kinds of people in this world......the givers and the takers. You, my Dear, are the former whereas your Dad's wife is the latter. You kindness is being taken advantage of. You have so much on your plate at this point. It is more than OK to say no and to take care of yourself. Please know that it is always safe to vent on this forum. There are such wonderful people here who appreciate each other and honor/respect each other all while knowing what a kind and special woman you are. Many hugs are sent your way as you go through this difficult time.

Hey, Liz, yep you can rant and rave here all you like, we are good listeners. I'm glad you spoke from your heart, cuz it's usually what we mean the most! Sending a cyber hug (((((((((((((((((((liz))))))))))))))))))), Megan

It is ok to say NO! You are not doing that for spite. A very nice lady once told me....."If you don't take care of yourself first, You won't be able to help anyone else." She was so right. It took me awhile but I learned to say no, too. I'm better for it. I can help those who truly need the help. Remember the prayer: Let me change the things I can, accept the things I can't, and have the wisdom to know the difference. God Bless you and I will pray for you and your husband and Dad. Hugs, Jan L.

Sorry you have so much on your plate. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!! Saying no is hard. Are her two legs tied to a piano? If she can't afford the smokes, then QUIT!! You should not have to pay for that. Repeat after me, NO NO NO, Keep practicing.

I feel for you. This is where I come for my sanity also. We have 4 adult's we are helping to take care of. Yes, learn to say no.

Liz, your good heart is definitely being taken advantage of. So sorry that so much has been heaped on your shoulders. If you have to say no, don't let guilt make you feel worse, just make a decision based on your heart and move on. It may take your step mother a while to catch on that you aren't going to do her every bidding, she may need some direct talk to get it through to her that you can't do everything for her. You are there for your dad, not her personal servant. Good luck, and this forum is always a place to get good advice, whether it is about quilts or life's little problems! Or big problems when they come up.

I am sorry there are people like that in this world. I simply would not pay for ANYTHING that was for her, and I would tell her that you can't afford to pay. I think you should get your other car back, too, until your new car is fixed. I hope you kept a key! Bless you for everything you are doing for others. I don't do anything for anyone, and that is my bad.

After reading your entry I just wanted to say that I really feel for you - you must be exhausted and at the end of your patience! Just know that on the other side of the world in Australia, someone is thinking about you. I hope things improve for you soon.

You sure have a big heart.
I would begin by telling your wicked step-mother that, you will continue to do what you can but your budget does not include her cigarettes or soda and that is final. If she gets mad, so be it!
I will say a prayer for you and hope things don't get out of control any more than they already are.

Disclaimer, I am terrible at tea and sympathy and am a pathological problem solver.

Oh no, you have been well and truly dumped upon. the problem is that if you always say "Yes" to people then they expect that as the minimum and then get resentful and unpleasant if you ever dare to say no. They are acting like spoiled children. Would you let children treat you like a slave? No way!

You need to learn how to say "NO", and now! There is nothing unkind, unloving, disrespectful or ungrateful about saying "No". Your duties are to your children (if you have them), yourself and your husband first and foremost and everyone else in varying degrees of lower priority.

In fact you really should put YOURSELF first because NO-ONE can function properly if you are stressed, overloaded, exhausted and unhappy.

If I were you I would take some time out to sit down and think very hard about who ACTUALLY requires your help and who doesn't. Maybe find some ways for people to get help from people who are not you. Are there support services or resources available, that your father could be making use of which would take the burden off you?

It was completely ridiculous and unreasonable of your Stepmother to demand you fetch her cigarettes and drinks, just because she felt like them. I wouldn't do it if she lived just down the road let alone 25 miles away. She's an adult, she can work out how to get them for herself.

Lots of sympathy to you but do NOT allow people to emotionally manipulate you into exhuasting and impoverishing yourself on their behalf. People like that take and take and take some more and if never stops nor abates. There is no way for you to ever fulfill their needs because they are pathologically needy. The only way to deal with them is on YOUR terms. So what if they get snippy, rude or icy. Their problem, not yours.

Top tip: When you are saying no, never ever apologise and never explain. if they get angry enough with you maybe they'll turn elsewhere ;o)!

Hey there! No wonder you are feeling a bit dizzylizzy! You are on a rollercoaster ride that doesn't seem to end. Molamola's post is really very right on. it really is. The most difficult part for you is just not feeling guilty or angry at her or yourself. There are far too many folks like this in families and they can even be blood kin. My heart goes out to you. Take some time and possibly write out a vent to her. Even if it is never delivered, writing things out systematically helps me to see things clearly - the why's wherefore's etc. Once written, put it aside and then after a day or two read it over again. You may find that you left something really important to you out that needs to be said. You may delete a whole ranting paragraph. When it's all said and done, you may decide to hand deliver it, mail it with a signature required or decide to burn it. The whole thing is this, dear, sweet heart ~ people will treat you the way you allow them. Standing your ground is a very difficult thing to do. Putting on big girl panties is even harder. I think most of us here can identify with this crisis you are going through even though we may not have experienced this ourselves. You are the only one that can do this for you. Write the letter, pray for wisdom, email your sisters here, vent here all you need. You would be amazed at the abounding grace and friendship that is available here at MSQC.
You are worth much more than you realize. You are loved much more than you realize.
I don't know how your Dad is perceiving any of this but I betcha he hasn't missed a trick.
Hugs, encouragement and prayers for you, dear one. We always leave the light on.

You've got so much going on it was making me dizzy just reading your post. Girl! Don't let people use you like a doormat. It's okay to be helpful and generous to folks but you need to learn to draw the line. Some people just love to take advantage when they can. They seem to have no guilt when it comes to that. I've never understood that mentality but it's out there for sure. You don't need to make excuses either. "I'm really sorry, but I just can't make the time to do that for you. Perhaps another time." That is more than sufficient. Don't even get me started on her cigarette request. i've already done enough ranting about that nasty habit!

Ladies, Thank you, doesn't nearly cover what all of you have done for me today. I know each of you are right... I KNOW all of this. I'm rarely a push over, actually know as a bit of a B____. For the life of me I don't know how i let this go so far. Trying to help Dad I suppose. But no more. Blondie, you are right, Dad doesn't miss much, he just literally doesn't have the breath ( COPD) to argue with her. I think the letter idea is wonderful and will try it, but I think I'd best keep that one for my therapy as it would cause too much upset for Dad Ladies, you have touched my heart in such a special way and I .so much stronger for it. Thank you so much. I will keep reminding myself to put my DH and I first, then prioritize from there. I'm off to eat a bite then bed, i get to do it all again tomorrow: But I have Sunday and Monday off....yessssssssss

Love, HUGS, & Prayers to all !!!

dizzyLiz

Thinking of you this morning Liz. Arms around you with lots of encouragment whispered in your ear.

Liz, I agree too with blondie's suggestion... It's time to put the brakes on girlfriend and now... You have too much on your plate and perhaps setting priorities will help. They are your hubby and yourself..if you fall ill and if you keep this up, you will...burnout big time. then what will happen? I see so much of,the,way I once was in reading your post. Family and friends only,took,advantage of me because I let them. People know a pushover and will exploit them whenever possible, as it gives them a sense of control... Now you have to take control for the sake of your own health and your hubby. I know easier said then done and like quilting, it takes
Practice to feel comfortable. The first few times of putting your foot down will feel awkward but trust me it,gets easier. My hubby was at his daughters' beck and call for years until we worked tog on what would be realistic for him... He's a far more confident guy today and funny that, but the girls seem to be more respectful towards him as well.. Sending you hugs and prayers too that everything works out for,you... Xxx

Sue